But I'm not too worried...
A whole year is near an end, but after seeing 23 beginnings and endings, I'm long used to it. I am however not used to distance between those I love as human beings who I only see during the school year, people who are close to me (in distance but also as friends). How is it that school brings us together and once we're 'free' we separate back to our small pockets of friends, back in the towns we grew up in - for a while or for life - it intrigues me that we are separated...which I think to an extent that is fine, but not too far (which is where I think it is now).
***
What's also on my mind is that I am entering my senior year, a B.A. in Psychology by next December (God willing). I will find practical use with such a degree once I get back into Youth Ministry, but that is something that will have to wait (or at least in a full time sense) because I have a fiancee and two sons, so I'll have to invest time and energy to start providing them in that sense, but being a Youth Minister is no raisin in the sun experience that'll slip through my fingers, but in time...in time.
Chrissy and I'll be together as a couple for a year on the 10th of January, I'm still brainstorming what I can plan out to make it special (perhaps dinner out or something like that). I made her a wonderful St. Valentine's Day dinner last February, I hope to top that sometime soon!
We planned to get married after I graduate next December, April 11th be precise, but we're talking it over and we might get married sooner, as in September of next year! Exciting, Scary, but heck, I'm up for it if she is! It would be nice to get married sooner, but admittedly I know I will be busy with school work during the Fall semester, so my duties as a husband and father will be limited. I hope it all works out for the best, but sometimes I can be such a doubting Thomas in my life -- I have many WHAT IFs -- In which I am learning and relearning to give all the worries of my life to my Heavenly Father.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Happy Birthday Mom...
Deal with me in writing out this open and raw blogpost...thanks.
Today marks my mom's 55th year of life, yes this is her real age (yet so many people think she is at least 10 years younger). To cut right to the chase, I'm worried that she is losing her mind; she is acting very irrationally and she has become a very paranoid person, in particular she blocks the number (*67) and expects me to pick up every-freaking-time she calls. NO! I won't buy her s*** of my father, who she thinks will trace the number and come after her OR she 'can't' let me know her real number, because she's not 'supposed to give it out' to family members and friends... WTH?!?
I am sick and tired of her calling me, threatening me, blaspheming God (WWJD - her response to my 'disobedience' of not picking up) and other stuff that just works me up and pisses me off.
You know what? I haven't seen her in more than 3 months, that right, I have not seen her since prior to I left for school and a few days, it sickens me that she has been out of touch with me ever since... :*(
Happy Birthday mom,
where ever you are...physically and mentally.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
I'm starting to think and talk and formulate thoughts like a Psychologist...
:::shudder:::
This is my major, but, I didn't think something like this would happen! :O
:::shudder:::
This is my major, but, I didn't think something like this would happen! :O
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
What would Jesus buy?
http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/whatwouldjesusbuy/trailer/
Might be worth seeing...
Might be worth seeing...
Monday, November 05, 2007
I am worth more than sparrows...
Lately I've been rather down and anxious, due to a lack of work and some of it is attributed to what lies ahead of me after I graduate; marriage. Now I don't have cold feet, but I've been having anxiety because I want to support my wife-to-be and my two sons...
So I was talking to my Heavenly Father about it (Phil. 4:6 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.) and I was in a state of "Lord, help me, help my anxious heart and mind" and God spoke to my head and my heart, saying my worth is more than sparrows (Matt. 10:31 - So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.) and not to dwell on such anxious thoughts, he will provide, my Father will provide for me. My anxiety has quelled and my thoughts are so what if minded, what will come to frution will in His perfect timing.
I am worth more than the sparrows, You too are also worth more than sparrows...
***
I will trust in you my Father,
you have never let my heart down,
you have never let the darkness cloud my mind to a point of no return,
I love you, I want to follow your precipts all the days of my life,
Lead me on,
give me strength and courage to go on,
to go on...
[nv]
So I was talking to my Heavenly Father about it (Phil. 4:6 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.) and I was in a state of "Lord, help me, help my anxious heart and mind" and God spoke to my head and my heart, saying my worth is more than sparrows (Matt. 10:31 - So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.) and not to dwell on such anxious thoughts, he will provide, my Father will provide for me. My anxiety has quelled and my thoughts are so what if minded, what will come to frution will in His perfect timing.
I am worth more than the sparrows, You too are also worth more than sparrows...
***
I will trust in you my Father,
you have never let my heart down,
you have never let the darkness cloud my mind to a point of no return,
I love you, I want to follow your precipts all the days of my life,
Lead me on,
give me strength and courage to go on,
to go on...
[nv]
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
introspection and self reflection...
When I started this blog a little over two years ago, I was still wondering what all 'this' (life) meant and where was God leading me. I was the new guy on campus of then Judson College, I had a squeaky clean persona that I portrayed, a keeping-the-boat-afloat-by-not-making-waves kinda guy, oh how I liked praise from others and how I reveled it being the nice guy.
***
As I look backwards and inwards I realize how God has used the rough waves of my life to drown me from my conformity and desire to be accepted for the phony facade I wore; I let people into my darkened world and I stretched myself emotionally in ways that I never thought possible, for an individual such as me. I guess that over the two years I've been at Judson University (new name, same school) has helped me open up to those around me how I really feel and what's really on my mind.
Granted, I still answer fine to those individuals who ask from the shallow end of the pond, but for my brothers from other mothers (MJ, Herbie and Justin) I've let myself be exposed in the raw, I've let them know how it pisses and infuriates the s*** out of me how my parents act as individuals and as a couple (technically they are, even though they split up). I've let them in to the fact that yes, I get depressed, and sometimes that's all that people see, but fear not! I may be going through a Job-like experience, but I haven't lost hope or faith in God to see me through.
***
Another change in my life is that I am in a relationship with a remarkable woman; I had good friends who were of the opposite sex, but honestly none of them were girl friends. Chrissy has been a friend of mine for a little more than two years, on January 10th of this year we started going out as boyfriend and girlfriend, and for the last two months we have become fiance and fiancee! God has blessed me so much with her as more than a friend and now as someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with (God willing).
She has been a source of inspiration in my life, she is someone I can share deeply of what is going on in my life, she has become my best friend and I love her as much a man can love a woman. I look forward to exchanging vows on April 11th 2009, we both realize that it's quite awhile away, but we're looking forward to it.
In addition to being a fiancee, I am a father of two wonderful sons -- Ben and Billy -- Though they are young, they still see me as Nate and DaDa, but God willing they someday call me Daddy...
What a quick two years this has been for me, I look forward to more (God willing). As my good friend and brother from another mother Justin says stuff of legends, it's the stuff of legends mate! I couldn't agree with him more, this has been the stuff of legends in my life.
~Nathanael~
***
As I look backwards and inwards I realize how God has used the rough waves of my life to drown me from my conformity and desire to be accepted for the phony facade I wore; I let people into my darkened world and I stretched myself emotionally in ways that I never thought possible, for an individual such as me. I guess that over the two years I've been at Judson University (new name, same school) has helped me open up to those around me how I really feel and what's really on my mind.
Granted, I still answer fine to those individuals who ask from the shallow end of the pond, but for my brothers from other mothers (MJ, Herbie and Justin) I've let myself be exposed in the raw, I've let them know how it pisses and infuriates the s*** out of me how my parents act as individuals and as a couple (technically they are, even though they split up). I've let them in to the fact that yes, I get depressed, and sometimes that's all that people see, but fear not! I may be going through a Job-like experience, but I haven't lost hope or faith in God to see me through.
***
Another change in my life is that I am in a relationship with a remarkable woman; I had good friends who were of the opposite sex, but honestly none of them were girl friends. Chrissy has been a friend of mine for a little more than two years, on January 10th of this year we started going out as boyfriend and girlfriend, and for the last two months we have become fiance and fiancee! God has blessed me so much with her as more than a friend and now as someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with (God willing).
She has been a source of inspiration in my life, she is someone I can share deeply of what is going on in my life, she has become my best friend and I love her as much a man can love a woman. I look forward to exchanging vows on April 11th 2009, we both realize that it's quite awhile away, but we're looking forward to it.
In addition to being a fiancee, I am a father of two wonderful sons -- Ben and Billy -- Though they are young, they still see me as Nate and DaDa, but God willing they someday call me Daddy...
What a quick two years this has been for me, I look forward to more (God willing). As my good friend and brother from another mother Justin says stuff of legends, it's the stuff of legends mate! I couldn't agree with him more, this has been the stuff of legends in my life.
~Nathanael~
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Life...
Over the last month I have been in school full time. I am no longer a Youth Ministry major, but rather a Psychology major instead. I won't go into details why the switch of major, but know this, I will pursue Youth Ministry as a full time career (God willing) and not Psychology.
School is at the front of what's up in my life, but outside the realm of papers, tests, homework and etc. my other, better-than-school life is spent on Sundays with my two sons and fiancee. This past weekend we went to a pumpkin farm and we all enjoyed it; my youngest son Billy is almost one, not walking yet, but he enjoyed hitting the pumpkins with his little hands while his older brother Ben showed off his pumpkin lifting skills. :D I am proud to be a father and they make me proud in their wonderful different ways.
Chrissy, Ben and Billy are gifts from God to me, I thank God for them every chance I get, they have become my drive -- my drive is to finish with school (3 semesters, including this 1), get married to Chrissy (April 11th 2009) and from there...God only knows, and all these things are God willing, I pray that they all come to fruition.
My sisters back home and away are doing well; my communication is mixed, some sisters I just happen to talk to more than others and one of my sisters happens to be a constant hit-and-miss. Hannah's off in Nashville (Durty Souf that it is) with her schooling, Abbey's local with work and a few online classes and Charity has her High School work that keeps her busy.
Parents...that's a loaded question; I hear from my mom on a when-I-want-to-call-you basis, it sucks, her paranoia makes it very frustrating to deal, let alone talk to her. My father on the other hand calls/emails me when he wants to, and usually it's asking a favor of me -- sometimes I do what he requests of me, but usually I'm too busy and so whatever he asks it doesn't happen.
***
So that's been my life for the last month. I do on occasion read a few Greek Orthodox books and the Koran. My good friend MJ and I go over a chapter of Matt. Eccles. and Psalms every Mon/Wed/Fri and sometimes on Sat.
[nv]
School is at the front of what's up in my life, but outside the realm of papers, tests, homework and etc. my other, better-than-school life is spent on Sundays with my two sons and fiancee. This past weekend we went to a pumpkin farm and we all enjoyed it; my youngest son Billy is almost one, not walking yet, but he enjoyed hitting the pumpkins with his little hands while his older brother Ben showed off his pumpkin lifting skills. :D I am proud to be a father and they make me proud in their wonderful different ways.
Chrissy, Ben and Billy are gifts from God to me, I thank God for them every chance I get, they have become my drive -- my drive is to finish with school (3 semesters, including this 1), get married to Chrissy (April 11th 2009) and from there...God only knows, and all these things are God willing, I pray that they all come to fruition.
My sisters back home and away are doing well; my communication is mixed, some sisters I just happen to talk to more than others and one of my sisters happens to be a constant hit-and-miss. Hannah's off in Nashville (Durty Souf that it is) with her schooling, Abbey's local with work and a few online classes and Charity has her High School work that keeps her busy.
Parents...that's a loaded question; I hear from my mom on a when-I-want-to-call-you basis, it sucks, her paranoia makes it very frustrating to deal, let alone talk to her. My father on the other hand calls/emails me when he wants to, and usually it's asking a favor of me -- sometimes I do what he requests of me, but usually I'm too busy and so whatever he asks it doesn't happen.
***
So that's been my life for the last month. I do on occasion read a few Greek Orthodox books and the Koran. My good friend MJ and I go over a chapter of Matt. Eccles. and Psalms every Mon/Wed/Fri and sometimes on Sat.
[nv]
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
To keep it short, I'm back at Judson University (no longer JudCo.) and this time around I'm a Psychology major, I am no longer in the Youth Ministry program out here at Judson University. I switched majors and in a way it works to my advantage; I will be able to graduate sooner than I imagined possible. This comes as good and welcomed news to me as well as my fiancee -- sooner out of school means the sooner we can get married!
As it stands at this time, I will graduate in 3 semesters including this one (God willing); and from there, though not the next weekend after graduating, I will be getting to Chrissy (also God willing). During my temporary leave from JudUni I have started to travel down further on my road with God. Mixed with that is my new denominational tag; Greek Orthodox. I am a follower of Christ, yet I identify myself (if people ask) as a Greek Orthodox. My G.O. Abba, Romanos, has helped to cultivate some of my G.O. views, and like him I'm not hung up on Orthodoxy. For me it's becoming more in tune with God and my surroundings with my heart over my head, yes I sometimes think as a Greek Orthodox or I recite with my mouth (from my heart) the Jesus Prayer in Greek, but it comes down to being and helping and shepherding the small flock God has set before me.
As a rushed society (and as a college student), I can completely understand how sometimes we do things more out of the standpoint of 'we have to do _____' or even out of tradition: "we've always done it this way." Yet I believe with my heart that we should go and be out of love for God and others, not because we have to, our love should be true love and not a task or a checklist thing, it should be pure. Even in 1 Corinthians 13 it states time and time again "...if I have not love" and it lists that what we attempt with our [supposed] best foot forward is in vain if we have not love.
Back to the school+life realm; I personally don't know what I'll be doing when I get out of school. I plan on getting married to Chrissy (God willing), but in my mind I think that my dreams and asperations to be a full time Youth Minister may be put on hold. I'm not dwelling on that completely, but it comes to the front of my mind every now and then, in His hands, it's all in His hands... I'm satisfied with that, though as a human being I sometimes want the answer to an unanswered question, but His timing is precise and He holds all together, so I've come to worry less and just trust in His perfect timing.
Going on by Christ alone,
Nathanael.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
a quick recap...
Well life is perpetually busy for everyone, but for me it's been getting ready to go back to school, working a bit, spending time with my fiancee and my two sons and I had two weeks of vacation. My vacation wasn't that bad, nor was it really good; most of the good times were spent with my sisters, due to the fact that my father treated me like I didn't have a pulse :( It was disappointing in this regard because I really REALLY want to have a serious heart-to-heart conversation, I haven't had one of those with him in a long time.
Now that I've been back from all that, I'm more thankful and grateful for what I do have; friends, family, my fiancee and two sons... Sometimes I take it for granted, but God has been laying it on my heart to invest more and take time to do as following -- don't just do something, stand there -- I picked that out from a Greek Orthodox book about a guy's journey to Valaam.
I seriously wished I invested more earlier this summer when I had more time, but that's another thing, I want to spend more time looking forward and getting past the past. Somethings will take longer than others, but I don't want the small stuff to weigh me down, as if I didn't have enough on my plate already...
My fiancee and two sons have made me want to succeed for myself primarily and for them secondary -- Chrissy and I might get married sooner than the 2 years we said originally, so I need and desire to push myself harder than I ever have before.
That's my life, and soon my school life will start up kicking and screaming very soon and suddenly.
Now that I've been back from all that, I'm more thankful and grateful for what I do have; friends, family, my fiancee and two sons... Sometimes I take it for granted, but God has been laying it on my heart to invest more and take time to do as following -- don't just do something, stand there -- I picked that out from a Greek Orthodox book about a guy's journey to Valaam.
I seriously wished I invested more earlier this summer when I had more time, but that's another thing, I want to spend more time looking forward and getting past the past. Somethings will take longer than others, but I don't want the small stuff to weigh me down, as if I didn't have enough on my plate already...
My fiancee and two sons have made me want to succeed for myself primarily and for them secondary -- Chrissy and I might get married sooner than the 2 years we said originally, so I need and desire to push myself harder than I ever have before.
That's my life, and soon my school life will start up kicking and screaming very soon and suddenly.
Friday, July 27, 2007
"Desperate is a good place to be"
As I worked today I was listening to a few podcasts from xxxchurch. In case you don't know what xxxchurch is, it is a ministry that ministers unto porn stars, former porn stars, people addicted to pornography -- simply put, they're a ministry that is involved with pornography in a way that hasn't been approached by the Church...
Anyway, so I was listening to one podcast that was about a recently out of the porn business, it was a quasi-interview, the how's and the why's were tossed around; why did you enter, why did you leave... stuff like that. So the woman who left the porn business was talking about her desperate nature -- to leave the porn business and to get reconnected with God, she in her youth learned about God and it was a part of her life (even when she was in the porn business she felt God calling her out from it). She said that where she was and what was going on, Desperate is a good place to be, and that struck me, it struck me hard.
I have been desperate at times, where I feel like I'm clawing for my survival, clawing my to the top, clawing my way out. Getting to a point where rock bottom is very present, I've been that desperate.
There have been two times in my life where I tried to end *ahem* the problems once and for all, I need not spell it out, but yes, there was a time in my life where I felt desperate and death seemed like the answer to the crap that took place in my life and my surroundings. I no longer have that mindset, God has given me a reason to live, a better reason than the one I had when I was younger.
DESPERATE is what I still am in some ways; I am desperate and longing to be closer to God in my walk. I do feel His presence (especially outdoorsy scenarios), but I want to walk out on faith, not a limb, with what I want to do in this life, what I want to do with this life.
I'm desperate to change and for change -- as I prepare to marry Chrissy in less than 2 years, I need to make some reparations of the past and the future as well, most importantly I need to end a 4 generation old problem.
***
In all,
Desperate (for God) is a good place to be,
I want to depend on God with all of who I am.
[nv]
Anyway, so I was listening to one podcast that was about a recently out of the porn business, it was a quasi-interview, the how's and the why's were tossed around; why did you enter, why did you leave... stuff like that. So the woman who left the porn business was talking about her desperate nature -- to leave the porn business and to get reconnected with God, she in her youth learned about God and it was a part of her life (even when she was in the porn business she felt God calling her out from it). She said that where she was and what was going on, Desperate is a good place to be, and that struck me, it struck me hard.
I have been desperate at times, where I feel like I'm clawing for my survival, clawing my to the top, clawing my way out. Getting to a point where rock bottom is very present, I've been that desperate.
There have been two times in my life where I tried to end *ahem* the problems once and for all, I need not spell it out, but yes, there was a time in my life where I felt desperate and death seemed like the answer to the crap that took place in my life and my surroundings. I no longer have that mindset, God has given me a reason to live, a better reason than the one I had when I was younger.
DESPERATE is what I still am in some ways; I am desperate and longing to be closer to God in my walk. I do feel His presence (especially outdoorsy scenarios), but I want to walk out on faith, not a limb, with what I want to do in this life, what I want to do with this life.
I'm desperate to change and for change -- as I prepare to marry Chrissy in less than 2 years, I need to make some reparations of the past and the future as well, most importantly I need to end a 4 generation old problem.
***
In all,
Desperate (for God) is a good place to be,
I want to depend on God with all of who I am.
[nv]
Monday, July 16, 2007
Chrissy is no longer my girlfriend...
...She's my fiance !
As of a little less than 2 weeks ago, after a few weeks of talking it out, Chrissy and I have decided to get married (God willing). While we don't have a date yet, we plan on getting married soon after I graduate from school (2 years or slightly less).
This is a wonderful event in our lives, we have been friends for close to two years and when I first met Chrissy I found someone who I quickly considered a friend because of the many things we have in common, and now...Thanks be to God, we plan on getting married!
I want it to be known that I love Chrissy very much; she knows it in both my actions and my words, and I know she loves me in her actions and words. A few years ago I had my doubts about love, I was burned by love and so I thought that I would never have what little I had. But God is faithful and good and he provided Chrissy as a girlfriend at the right time (His time, of course) and soon...soon we shall be married.
Truth to be told, I am excited and nervous- I'm excited because I'm getting married, and guess what? I'm nervous for the same reasons I'm excited! I don't have marital "cold feet", but it's such a big jump from what I know and experience as a person who's been dating the most amazing person in the world. I am ready to make such a transition in my life, I've been praying...hoping...wishing for someone like Chrissy for a long time, and I have found her!
So in time, Chrissy+I will be husband and wife, I will also be the father of two wonderful boys as well, in which I love them too, but not in the same way I love their mom Chrissy. This is the most exciting news I have to share, I pray that you reader will find someone like my Chrissy, she is a gift from God and she loves me and I love her with my whole heart.
P.S. The only thing that I love more in this life than her is God; He is the provider of every good gift.
[nv]
As of a little less than 2 weeks ago, after a few weeks of talking it out, Chrissy and I have decided to get married (God willing). While we don't have a date yet, we plan on getting married soon after I graduate from school (2 years or slightly less).
This is a wonderful event in our lives, we have been friends for close to two years and when I first met Chrissy I found someone who I quickly considered a friend because of the many things we have in common, and now...Thanks be to God, we plan on getting married!
I want it to be known that I love Chrissy very much; she knows it in both my actions and my words, and I know she loves me in her actions and words. A few years ago I had my doubts about love, I was burned by love and so I thought that I would never have what little I had. But God is faithful and good and he provided Chrissy as a girlfriend at the right time (His time, of course) and soon...soon we shall be married.
Truth to be told, I am excited and nervous- I'm excited because I'm getting married, and guess what? I'm nervous for the same reasons I'm excited! I don't have marital "cold feet", but it's such a big jump from what I know and experience as a person who's been dating the most amazing person in the world. I am ready to make such a transition in my life, I've been praying...hoping...wishing for someone like Chrissy for a long time, and I have found her!
So in time, Chrissy+I will be husband and wife, I will also be the father of two wonderful boys as well, in which I love them too, but not in the same way I love their mom Chrissy. This is the most exciting news I have to share, I pray that you reader will find someone like my Chrissy, she is a gift from God and she loves me and I love her with my whole heart.
P.S. The only thing that I love more in this life than her is God; He is the provider of every good gift.
[nv]
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
In brief
I have a prayer request:
Over the last few years I've become a good friend to a young woman who happens to be a Muslim. As of today she starts reading the New Testament, and I the Koran, pray for her as she starts to read, and for me when she asks questions, and knowing her she will.
Over the last few years I've become a good friend to a young woman who happens to be a Muslim. As of today she starts reading the New Testament, and I the Koran, pray for her as she starts to read, and for me when she asks questions, and knowing her she will.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
The people God puts in our life's path
I'm not much of a party-goer or par tier per say, but this evening I was quickly invited to attend a party held by one of my friends from school. I weighed my options mentally, the pros and cons, and after some thought I called him up for directions and I went to his house. The party was like one's I attended off campus at JudCo. social gathering with some alcohol involved, but more social than anything else. At the party I met an individual by the name of Howard, soon into meeting him I found out that he is a follower of Christ as well, so we get talking about life and God's hands in our lives...
After talking to him for a while I get a gist of who he is and where he is coming from, and we share some commonalities besides being brothers in Christ. It turns out that a lot of the hardships that Howard has faced, in various shapes and forms, I too have gone through what he has gone through. Talking longer, I learn how his heart has been broken and he has started to go into a downward spiral that is destructive and complex, he shared with me things that he regrets doing, but he is trying...praying...working to get on with life, but for now he's trusting in God to see him through. Howard is a bright guy, but he is making a lot of poor choices, but as I listen reflectively to him, I start to love him as Christ loves me, I see him as an imago dei (image of God), I start to share with him personal insights and also what the Bible has to say, he in turn shares with me his favorite passages in the Bible.
At the end of our conversation, he lauds me for my influential and helpful encouragement from one brother in Christ to another (and I only met him tonight!), he thanks me for the words and encouragement, but I offer up praise to God, for it His doing that made this random meeting successful.
I'm praying for Howard, I'm praying that (as I shared with him) the father in the parable of the Prodigal Son does not sit on his butt when he sees his son in the distance, but the father gets up and heads to the son. Howard knows this parable, but I reminded him that God is making his way to him even if it seems like God is distant (he knows he's not). Thankfully I have his number, I will definitely keep in touch with him, because our meeting might seem coincidental to the outsider, but it was God's perfecting planning and timing. (The picture is an interpretation of Philip meeting with the Ethiopian -- another case of God's perfect planning and timing.)
[nv]
After talking to him for a while I get a gist of who he is and where he is coming from, and we share some commonalities besides being brothers in Christ. It turns out that a lot of the hardships that Howard has faced, in various shapes and forms, I too have gone through what he has gone through. Talking longer, I learn how his heart has been broken and he has started to go into a downward spiral that is destructive and complex, he shared with me things that he regrets doing, but he is trying...praying...working to get on with life, but for now he's trusting in God to see him through. Howard is a bright guy, but he is making a lot of poor choices, but as I listen reflectively to him, I start to love him as Christ loves me, I see him as an imago dei (image of God), I start to share with him personal insights and also what the Bible has to say, he in turn shares with me his favorite passages in the Bible.
At the end of our conversation, he lauds me for my influential and helpful encouragement from one brother in Christ to another (and I only met him tonight!), he thanks me for the words and encouragement, but I offer up praise to God, for it His doing that made this random meeting successful.
I'm praying for Howard, I'm praying that (as I shared with him) the father in the parable of the Prodigal Son does not sit on his butt when he sees his son in the distance, but the father gets up and heads to the son. Howard knows this parable, but I reminded him that God is making his way to him even if it seems like God is distant (he knows he's not). Thankfully I have his number, I will definitely keep in touch with him, because our meeting might seem coincidental to the outsider, but it was God's perfecting planning and timing. (The picture is an interpretation of Philip meeting with the Ethiopian -- another case of God's perfect planning and timing.)
[nv]
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
My God vs. I Pod
I was going to blog my summer job, but instead I've decided to write in hand parts of it and text the more interesting stuff to my girlfriend. Here I recollect the month of May on the job, in which I spent 100 percent of working outside...
I worked outside during the month of May. I planted flowers, cultivated dry ground, cut grass and other things related to outdoor work. During this time in the outdoors, I spent a great deal of time praying, in which if people knew I was doing that, they wouldn't have thought too much of it because my employer is a catholic church. The church that I worked for is one that's in my neighborhood, it's one that I've felt various fronts of spiritual warfare, some good and some bad. While working I am usually paid compliments by those who pass by -- they think I do a good job, both the local walkers, the parishioners and several of the priests have complimented me on my work. I say thanks to them, but then I offer back that thanks to God.
One day one of the parishioners told me that if she were me, she'd bring her I Pod with her to fight off boredom. I (in my mind) started thinking how the job isn't boring, because I spend time in prayer and it's an outside job (I dig the outdoors), so it's a win-win job for me. I like to commune with God in many ways, but I especially like experiencing God in nature -- sunrises and sets, lakes and oceans, flora and fauna, etc -- To talk to my Heavenly Father in this manner.
A fellow brother in Christ sent me a book called Touching Heaven - Discovering Orthodox Christianity on the Island pf Valaam - as I slowly read this book (it's meaty) I recognize how some followers of Christ commune with God, tho not all of it is about followers of Christ communing in a natural way, the remoteness of the island paints a picture of how I want to get away from all this at times; all this meaning everyday suburban life. Truly I want to live and minister among others so I will be here in all this, but I want a place like Valaam, even Jesus got away from time to time with his disciples to the Mount of Olives.
In conclusion, I don't need an I Pod when I work outside (or inside as I am now) I have my God, He is all I need and all that I will ever need.
[nv]
I worked outside during the month of May. I planted flowers, cultivated dry ground, cut grass and other things related to outdoor work. During this time in the outdoors, I spent a great deal of time praying, in which if people knew I was doing that, they wouldn't have thought too much of it because my employer is a catholic church. The church that I worked for is one that's in my neighborhood, it's one that I've felt various fronts of spiritual warfare, some good and some bad. While working I am usually paid compliments by those who pass by -- they think I do a good job, both the local walkers, the parishioners and several of the priests have complimented me on my work. I say thanks to them, but then I offer back that thanks to God.
One day one of the parishioners told me that if she were me, she'd bring her I Pod with her to fight off boredom. I (in my mind) started thinking how the job isn't boring, because I spend time in prayer and it's an outside job (I dig the outdoors), so it's a win-win job for me. I like to commune with God in many ways, but I especially like experiencing God in nature -- sunrises and sets, lakes and oceans, flora and fauna, etc -- To talk to my Heavenly Father in this manner.
A fellow brother in Christ sent me a book called Touching Heaven - Discovering Orthodox Christianity on the Island pf Valaam - as I slowly read this book (it's meaty) I recognize how some followers of Christ commune with God, tho not all of it is about followers of Christ communing in a natural way, the remoteness of the island paints a picture of how I want to get away from all this at times; all this meaning everyday suburban life. Truly I want to live and minister among others so I will be here in all this, but I want a place like Valaam, even Jesus got away from time to time with his disciples to the Mount of Olives.
In conclusion, I don't need an I Pod when I work outside (or inside as I am now) I have my God, He is all I need and all that I will ever need.
[nv]
Friday, June 15, 2007
The teaser picture!
The Bugatti Veyron,
258 miles per hour
1000 horsepower
2.2 million dollars...
Oh yes,
first one I've seen, and hopefully not the last
this is the Bugatti's factory demo, only 25 were sold in the U.S!
drool your hearts out!
[nv]
Monday, June 04, 2007
I'm ready...but I don't want to die...
Lately I've been talking to God about death,
I used to be very dark and depressed because life, well, sucked [worse that it does now in some ways] and the poems I wrote in that chapter of my life remind me of how horrible I was, like Job, cursed the day I was born and things like it would have been better if I was never born in the first place. As I talk to God, I thank him for my life, my girlfriend, my fam, my job, those I minister unto and the ministries I'm involved with, etc. As I talk to my Heavenly Father, I let Him know that while I am ready to die (whenever that might be), I'm not ready because I love life more than I used to.
There's this song -- Reliant K -Deathbed -- that sums up a man's existence (free to download, it's a little over 11 minutes long) and his struggles with life, family and other things that make quite a good song, but the clincher is that he too talks to God about death! He becomes a follower of Christ later on in his life, and he's dumbfounded that after all he had done in his life, that God would be so loving and forgiving. This song is definitely one I've overplayed, and it has given me some solace as I continue on living and eventually getting to the end...which in itself is a beginning!
For me, I'm glad to be alive, but when my time here on earth, I'm (almost) ready...
[n][v]
I used to be very dark and depressed because life, well, sucked [worse that it does now in some ways] and the poems I wrote in that chapter of my life remind me of how horrible I was, like Job, cursed the day I was born and things like it would have been better if I was never born in the first place. As I talk to God, I thank him for my life, my girlfriend, my fam, my job, those I minister unto and the ministries I'm involved with, etc. As I talk to my Heavenly Father, I let Him know that while I am ready to die (whenever that might be), I'm not ready because I love life more than I used to.
There's this song -- Reliant K -Deathbed -- that sums up a man's existence (free to download, it's a little over 11 minutes long) and his struggles with life, family and other things that make quite a good song, but the clincher is that he too talks to God about death! He becomes a follower of Christ later on in his life, and he's dumbfounded that after all he had done in his life, that God would be so loving and forgiving. This song is definitely one I've overplayed, and it has given me some solace as I continue on living and eventually getting to the end...which in itself is a beginning!
For me, I'm glad to be alive, but when my time here on earth, I'm (almost) ready...
[n][v]
Friday, June 01, 2007
gripped by His love...
A friend of mine has as part of his email signature In His Grip and for me I as a follower of Christ, I am in His grip, but I am also gripped by His love.
As ironic (for lack of a better word) I question love in relationship to me; I truly believe that my girlfriend is in love with me, both by words, but also by actions. She demonstrates agape love in so many ways, and sometimes I am caught of guard by how wonderful it truly is.
I know my mom loves me, but she has to, she's my mom! Only joking, only joking. She loves me by her actions, but also by how she has been the most active parent in my life, she's been there for me in so many ways, I am starting
to reciprocate during this time she has chemo treatments for her breast cancer.
My sisters love me as a sibling, a listening ear, transportation, etc. I am glad that we are close, albeit I rather be closer to 2 of the 3, it seems like we get along well, but we could get along better...
My father, yeah... His love for me is confusing; sure, he helps me monetarily with school and a few other expenses, but when it comes down to saying I love you he is someone who says oh and by the way I love you or he says in a haste ending to his conversation with me. :( I am sometimes hurt to the core when it seems like he says it mechanically, as if a program tells him to say it instead of his heart.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God...the love God shows me is being exposed more in my life in different areas and different ways, it's hard for me to pinpoint where God's loving me in every area of my life, but I know he loves me deeply and dearly.
I hate bringing up my father again, but my Heavenly father is a lot closer to me than my Earthly one, and I am torn apart inside and yet I feel completely whole, quite complex I admit... My Heavenly father has gripped me with his love, it is a stream that never runs dry and I constantly go to quench my thirst. I feel loved by Him, it is an amazing feeling to feel suffocated (in a good way) by love -- and not from a human being, but by the God of creation, the Alpha and Omega, the one who chose me before anything was made...wow!
Oh how joyous I am! :)
[n][v]
As ironic (for lack of a better word) I question love in relationship to me; I truly believe that my girlfriend is in love with me, both by words, but also by actions. She demonstrates agape love in so many ways, and sometimes I am caught of guard by how wonderful it truly is.
I know my mom loves me, but she has to, she's my mom! Only joking, only joking. She loves me by her actions, but also by how she has been the most active parent in my life, she's been there for me in so many ways, I am starting
to reciprocate during this time she has chemo treatments for her breast cancer.
My sisters love me as a sibling, a listening ear, transportation, etc. I am glad that we are close, albeit I rather be closer to 2 of the 3, it seems like we get along well, but we could get along better...
My father, yeah... His love for me is confusing; sure, he helps me monetarily with school and a few other expenses, but when it comes down to saying I love you he is someone who says oh and by the way I love you or he says in a haste ending to his conversation with me. :( I am sometimes hurt to the core when it seems like he says it mechanically, as if a program tells him to say it instead of his heart.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God...the love God shows me is being exposed more in my life in different areas and different ways, it's hard for me to pinpoint where God's loving me in every area of my life, but I know he loves me deeply and dearly.
I hate bringing up my father again, but my Heavenly father is a lot closer to me than my Earthly one, and I am torn apart inside and yet I feel completely whole, quite complex I admit... My Heavenly father has gripped me with his love, it is a stream that never runs dry and I constantly go to quench my thirst. I feel loved by Him, it is an amazing feeling to feel suffocated (in a good way) by love -- and not from a human being, but by the God of creation, the Alpha and Omega, the one who chose me before anything was made...wow!
Oh how joyous I am! :)
[n][v]
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
A little bit of everything...
Life is still hectic and crazy, it doesn't slow down but, such is life, right?
Half Marathon - The half marathon in Nashville was good for my first, incline at the beginning and end, but besides that it was decent and mostly in the shade (temp - 70s). In my corral there was an 87 year old guy who was running the marathon! He ran it last year, so I'm pretty sure he was successful this year as well. My sister ran the marathon as well, in which I found out down there that it was on Sat. not Sun. (I don't run on Sundays) this irked me a little, because I wanted to run a marathon over a half, but c'est la vie...next time.
All in all it was a good race/good course, but my legs were so tired at mile 11 that I had to walk the last 2.1 -- After the race we hung out with my sister Hannah who goes to school in Nashville, it was good to hang out with her.
Chrissy - Chrissy and I have been going out for 4 months! God has been good to the both of us, she...she's wonderful and I am in love :) Ben and Billy are wonderful boys, and Billy (6 months) is growing up so quickly! Ben recently turned 4 and he is getting smarter, which means his mom and I have to be more creative.
Life - It's still very difficult and complicated, but God is good and I'm starting to make green bling/money, so I can pay my bills and do my own thing.
Friends - My circle of friends is being repaired in different ways; especially since a guy I used to dislike very much is back from school, forgiveness is what I need to ask from him for me -- I like the guy as a friend NOW...but there was a time where I could care less. Within my friends I am starting to be more open with who the real me is, I'm sharing with more people about what really happens.
Etc. - I am still active with two ministries; Young Life and within my church, I plan on getting more active with various teens for Bible studies, lesson plans and having good old fun.
I will be going to several good concert venues this summer, both with my girlfriend and also with some friends from school. I am spiritually hungry to read more of the Bible and perhaps write out my thoughts about what I read. This summer is shaping up to be a better one than usual, and hopefully I am fully ready to get back into the full swing of things in the fall.
[n][v]
Half Marathon - The half marathon in Nashville was good for my first, incline at the beginning and end, but besides that it was decent and mostly in the shade (temp - 70s). In my corral there was an 87 year old guy who was running the marathon! He ran it last year, so I'm pretty sure he was successful this year as well. My sister ran the marathon as well, in which I found out down there that it was on Sat. not Sun. (I don't run on Sundays) this irked me a little, because I wanted to run a marathon over a half, but c'est la vie...next time.
All in all it was a good race/good course, but my legs were so tired at mile 11 that I had to walk the last 2.1 -- After the race we hung out with my sister Hannah who goes to school in Nashville, it was good to hang out with her.
Chrissy - Chrissy and I have been going out for 4 months! God has been good to the both of us, she...she's wonderful and I am in love :) Ben and Billy are wonderful boys, and Billy (6 months) is growing up so quickly! Ben recently turned 4 and he is getting smarter, which means his mom and I have to be more creative.
Life - It's still very difficult and complicated, but God is good and I'm starting to make green bling/money, so I can pay my bills and do my own thing.
Friends - My circle of friends is being repaired in different ways; especially since a guy I used to dislike very much is back from school, forgiveness is what I need to ask from him for me -- I like the guy as a friend NOW...but there was a time where I could care less. Within my friends I am starting to be more open with who the real me is, I'm sharing with more people about what really happens.
Etc. - I am still active with two ministries; Young Life and within my church, I plan on getting more active with various teens for Bible studies, lesson plans and having good old fun.
I will be going to several good concert venues this summer, both with my girlfriend and also with some friends from school. I am spiritually hungry to read more of the Bible and perhaps write out my thoughts about what I read. This summer is shaping up to be a better one than usual, and hopefully I am fully ready to get back into the full swing of things in the fall.
[n][v]
Friday, April 20, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Cho Seung-Hui
BLACKSBURG, Va. - Long before he boiled over, Virginia Tech gunman Cho Seung-Hui was picked on, pushed around and laughed at over his shyness and the strange way he talked when he was a schoolboy in the Washington suburbs, former classmates say.
In light of the Virginia Tech shooting, I have this to say; why do people think after the fact with school shootings that they knew the person was on edge? In which a lot of people who become the victimizers of some heinous tragedy often are the victims to begin with? A lot of people will state if only we knew and/or if we only did something... this is the remorse a lot of people will have.
When I found out about this I was working out and starting to think about how close it is to 4/20 -- the Columbine shooting, which happens to be one of my Christian birthdays. I really don't know what my initial reaction to what happened at Virginia Tech, but my reaction of now is that though I never did what Cho did, I was one of those people back in the day; I was picked on, beaten up, you name it it happened to me. Back then, I did want revenge on those who were hurtful and abusive, I wanted to strike back at them and let them know what it felt like.
As a youth worker, I don't always put in my best effort to hang out with 'those kids' - you know, the ones that others avoid and that other leaders leave to their own devices (I see this more within the jr. high group). Some of these kids have told me things, things that don't necessarily make my skin crawl, but it takes me back to my jr. high days, back when I was bullied like no other. I want to be intentional and authentic to these kids; I'm not saying they're going to be the next Cho or Eric and Dylan, but I know this: Jesus came for the 'sick,' those in need of a doctor, he hung out with "sinners" the "unlovelies" the ones the world loves to hate. I want to be authentic to these kids because if I come across as if I'm doing this to gain brownie points, then what I have done is a diservice to both them, God and myself.
To those who have been affected by Virginia Tech, I offer my sympathy. For those who remain while their friends, family members, etc. are no longer with us, I am sorry for your loss.
[nv]
Thursday, April 12, 2007
This is just to say...
...I am done with this mediocre lifestyle of mine. Something better awaits me, and I won't give up till I have it.
[nv]
[nv]
Monday, April 09, 2007
Session 2: My mom's chemo...
Well, I'll get straight to the punch: today starts my mom's second treatment of chemo. From what she's told me, it'll be longer (3 hour session) and more draining, which I wonder what is MORE, 'cause I was there last time and she was out and under in less than 5 minutes.
She's losing her hair; my sister cut some of it last week, her ponytail to be precise, it has saddened her greatly that she's losing her hair (sometimes a little bit, sometimes in clumps). I've already informed her that while she loses her hair, I will shave my head (this song comes to mind) so she's not alone in this time with her chemo, hair-wise anyway...
Truth to be told, this is a very trying time for me; While I do want to help my mom where I can and when I can, I'm being stretched to extremes sometimes. I have to balance out my time and all that, but sometimes...sometimes I just want to be alone so I can recoup where needed be on my own. This recouping will probably take place in the form of a job that I'll be starting soon :) which I don't mind, I need some money...
[nv]
She's losing her hair; my sister cut some of it last week, her ponytail to be precise, it has saddened her greatly that she's losing her hair (sometimes a little bit, sometimes in clumps). I've already informed her that while she loses her hair, I will shave my head (this song comes to mind) so she's not alone in this time with her chemo, hair-wise anyway...
Truth to be told, this is a very trying time for me; While I do want to help my mom where I can and when I can, I'm being stretched to extremes sometimes. I have to balance out my time and all that, but sometimes...sometimes I just want to be alone so I can recoup where needed be on my own. This recouping will probably take place in the form of a job that I'll be starting soon :) which I don't mind, I need some money...
[nv]
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
no internet...
I am not putting writing/blogging/posting photos/etc on hold indefinitely, but it'll be harder for me to post things as a result of my father not paying the internet bill 
and there has been other things, but for now I am without internet (in which I am writing from the local library).
[nv]
and there has been other things, but for now I am without internet (in which I am writing from the local library).[nv]
Sunday, March 18, 2007
And so it begins...
As of tomorrow, my mother who up to this point has had various tests and two surgeries will start chemo treatment for her breast cancer. I knew some things were going to happen, but some of this I found out today after church ~ some elders and friends of my mom and family prayed over my mom, which I knew she found to be encouraging and as a person who has seen the gifts of the Spirit work within the life of peers and my own self, I do believe that God can heal my mom through this way, His will be done.
During the Sunday School part of church, as I work with middle schoolers, I have come to realize once again that I don't give grace where grace is due; too often I get upset at trivial things, in which I ponder to myself how could you not know? Regarding stupid things, yet it churns up some feelings that best be ignored. I also got a glimpse of Heaven when various kids within the middle school group approached my mom, hugged her and talked to her, some of the kids who my mom knows better than I approached me to talk some and some shared that while they will pray for my mom, they will pray for me as well. What a glimpse of Heaven, what a glimpse of Christian Community
In today's church bulletin, they shared a bit about what Christian Community is to look like, both from the angle of how it should look overall, but also what it looks like within Naperville Presbyterian Church (big "C" - the people, not the building). The community of the Church out in my area varies; I'm not putting it down, but sometimes the message both outloud and subtle is get your act together, then we'll help you in which in my mentoring of a middle school student today, he shared a bit about this, though not intential, it makes me wonder who else thinks in this way...
***
I chose the road photograph because there's a lot of ground that my Amma has yet to cover, both in the process of getting over breast cancer if it is God's will, but also life in general. She is a candle in this darkened world, both in lighting the way for others, but to also set them aflame with the word of God, she has been the major influence in my walk as a follower of Christ.
In her words, this is the verse that's become her key verse during this time:
Psalm 40:2b
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
To my Amma; both physically and spiritually, the road will be long, but His will be done in all things.
[nv]
I chose the road photograph because there's a lot of ground that my Amma has yet to cover, both in the process of getting over breast cancer if it is God's will, but also life in general. She is a candle in this darkened world, both in lighting the way for others, but to also set them aflame with the word of God, she has been the major influence in my walk as a follower of Christ.
In her words, this is the verse that's become her key verse during this time:
Psalm 40:2b
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
To my Amma; both physically and spiritually, the road will be long, but His will be done in all things.
[nv]
Thursday, March 08, 2007
my [chronos] clock is ticking...
...just like everyone else's...
***
Yet even though I am confronted with it on a day-to-day basis, I mentally flee like Jonah to Tarshish instead of going to Nineveh, I know God's watching over me, but still I plod on like I don't care... these thoughts are only momentary.
I was interrupted the other day by my old sensei from karate the other day (I am training for a half marathon) and the first question he asked me was How old are you now? I told Mr. White that I am 22, in which his face was an oh-my-gosh face, because (truth to be told) I was his pupil 8-9 years ago.
Mr. White smiled and said (in a nice way) that soon I'd be where's he's at, age-wise, that is. Mr. White did not insult me, by no means did I feel the pangs of I-am-getting-older, he said it kindly and I listened to him...
***
If I could always be this receptive to getting older, maybe I wouldn't be so bogged down with various things in my life. I pray that God works on my heart in regards to this, 'cause like it or not, I'm getting old!!! :)
[nv]
***
Yet even though I am confronted with it on a day-to-day basis, I mentally flee like Jonah to Tarshish instead of going to Nineveh, I know God's watching over me, but still I plod on like I don't care... these thoughts are only momentary.
I was interrupted the other day by my old sensei from karate the other day (I am training for a half marathon) and the first question he asked me was How old are you now? I told Mr. White that I am 22, in which his face was an oh-my-gosh face, because (truth to be told) I was his pupil 8-9 years ago.
Mr. White smiled and said (in a nice way) that soon I'd be where's he's at, age-wise, that is. Mr. White did not insult me, by no means did I feel the pangs of I-am-getting-older, he said it kindly and I listened to him...
***
If I could always be this receptive to getting older, maybe I wouldn't be so bogged down with various things in my life. I pray that God works on my heart in regards to this, 'cause like it or not, I'm getting old!!! :)
[nv]
Monday, March 05, 2007
a tribute to my mom - Nancy
My mother is an Amma for certain; she has been the one who taught me what the Bible has to say, she has been an influential person in my life, she was my teacher from K-12 (I was homeschooled), she is someone who puts a lot of Kairos into her Chronos...
***
But lately,
she's becoming a bit unraveled; I don't know where to begin, whether it is the recouping from surgery or the added stress of life, but... she is scaring me a little.
I love my mom, I really do, but I am stressed out by a lot of things, and sometimes I feel like I am carrying what weighs her down as well. She has asked me what do I feel/how am I taking her cancer (she's recovering from the cancer surgery, but the road is long and arduous) and I really haven't taken it all in because I have a million things on my mind.
So I guess it's here that I will express how I feel:
***
I feel saddened; that she of all people should get cancer, I am not stating that 'it's not fair' but then again, life isn't fair to begin with. It's just that she what she and we (my family and I) are going through some of our roughest days together and apart, the family ties that bind also cut and open wounds, deep wounds...
I also believe that God will do something amazing through her and her cancer; she has always been a very uplifting and evangelizing woman, but I believe that God will use this cancer she has for His glory.
***
That's the extent of my feelings&emotions about her cancer,
I pray that God removes all of it.
[nv]
***
But lately,
she's becoming a bit unraveled; I don't know where to begin, whether it is the recouping from surgery or the added stress of life, but... she is scaring me a little.
I love my mom, I really do, but I am stressed out by a lot of things, and sometimes I feel like I am carrying what weighs her down as well. She has asked me what do I feel/how am I taking her cancer (she's recovering from the cancer surgery, but the road is long and arduous) and I really haven't taken it all in because I have a million things on my mind.
So I guess it's here that I will express how I feel:
***
I feel saddened; that she of all people should get cancer, I am not stating that 'it's not fair' but then again, life isn't fair to begin with. It's just that she what she and we (my family and I) are going through some of our roughest days together and apart, the family ties that bind also cut and open wounds, deep wounds...
I also believe that God will do something amazing through her and her cancer; she has always been a very uplifting and evangelizing woman, but I believe that God will use this cancer she has for His glory.
***
That's the extent of my feelings&emotions about her cancer,
I pray that God removes all of it.
[nv]
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Spiritual lens
Last night I was thinking about "lens" of the spiritual sort,
and then over a Guinness Draught (off campus, JudCo. boys and girls) I started thinking about it even more.
You see, everyone wears lens -- whether if it is the background they come from that says black people are inferior and that white people are superior, maybe the lens some people wear tell them that homosexuals are hated by God and should be avoid at all costs... Whatever the lens you and I wear, they affect our interactions with people on a daily basis.
My friend Jim* and I were talking last night about a mutual friend of ours, in which she is a Muslim whom Jim would really like to see become a follower of Christ. I too would like to see Rachel* to become a follower of Christ, but I confronted Jim about the lens issue. I did not spell it out as well as I could have, mainly due to the fact that I was tired and sometimes to get the cogs a'movin' in my head I need to think it out alone...with or without alcohol.
Anyway, I started thinking about how Rachel views (her lens) Christianity; She sees Jim as a nice, well-mannered, deep and thoughtful individual who knows her well. She sees his following of Christ as something serious and deep, which isn't wrong of course, but sometimes I feel like Jim is thinking/believing with his head and not his heart.
Rachel also knows another person Jim and I do, Simon (to me, a fiend of sorts) who has hit on her and has professed to being a follower of Christ, yet... If going by actions, the lens that Rachel perceives Simon's 'faith' or whatever you want to call it as rude, abusive, weasel-like, tenacious, disgusting and revolting. I mean, if I were in Rachel's shoes and Simon did that to me, I certainly would not want to be a follower of Christ if that's what Christians did.
Then there's me; Rachel's lens of followers of Christ by way of me is one of understanding, kindness, spontaneity, love, compassion and mystery (of the good sort). Rachel is very honest with me, both of how she is and how she REALLY is- sometimes it takes a bit longer to get her talking about what she's really feeling, but with time, patience and love, she comes through.
***
Now Jim is a smart guy, a cool guy, a good looking guy...eh, I'm off-track. Yet the lens Rachel sees is one of him trying to win her over to Christ by way of head knowledge, a I'm-right-you're-wrong sort of way, which Rachel... Rachel isn't too interested in giving up everything Muslim from this angle and certainly I wouldn't want to either if I were in her shoes. My friend Jim, I wish he could get it when I explain to him that he should win her over with heart facts not head facts, he is very passionate, but he needs to move some of that head knowledge down to his heart.
Right now, Rachel is going through some hard times, in which I would say is that she's becoming a bit bitter with her current circumstances, but as a devout Muslim, her allegiance is to her beliefs and her parents, in which the latter is giving her trouble, but as a Muslim, she really can't raise a fist.
Rachel and I are close friends, and while Jim knows her more, he seems to know more of her by head. I on the other hand, know her heart, and while Jim doesn't like this aspect about me, I really don't know how to get it through his head to think/feel more with his heart.
***
So the lens that Rachel sees Christianity and followers of Christ is rather skewed, I am saddened by some of the internal quarrels I have with other followers of Christ, because when it comes down to it, shouldn't the only lens others (by others, I mean those who aren't followers of Christ) see is Christ?
I'll leave you with that thought.
[nv]
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
On this eve of Lent...
I feel a bit like Jesus and his 40 days in the desert: The part about being tempted by satan and perhaps the lonliness of being alone from others. Sure, Jesus was fully God and Man, so I am certain that he had bouts of lonliness...
*sigh*
It's not that I feel lonliness on a person-to-person level, but my mom spent some time talking to me about past&present areas of hurt -- in her life, but as well as mine. She did not mean to draw so much out, but because of it the hurts are closer than they ever should be. The big area of hurt was in reference to my father; he avoids me like the plague and he hasn't had a decent conversation with me since last summer (or so I believe). Sure, he does talk to me in a look-at-me-I-am-a-good-father tone to me, but that's only at church! Outside of that...silence...how it tears me up inside at times (tonight, it's weighing heavy on my heart) and I know longer believe that it isn't me, but when I think about it from a logical and rational point of view (which I shouldn't) I question why would someone in their right mind not talk or have anything to do with their ONLY son? Then I start loathing him and poisoning myself to get at him, it inflicts no pain to me, but it leaves me hurt and saddened.
***
I'm calling it a night, and while the nightmares haven't returned, the wounds of life leave me open to infection.
[nv]
*sigh*
It's not that I feel lonliness on a person-to-person level, but my mom spent some time talking to me about past&present areas of hurt -- in her life, but as well as mine. She did not mean to draw so much out, but because of it the hurts are closer than they ever should be. The big area of hurt was in reference to my father; he avoids me like the plague and he hasn't had a decent conversation with me since last summer (or so I believe). Sure, he does talk to me in a look-at-me-I-am-a-good-father tone to me, but that's only at church! Outside of that...silence...how it tears me up inside at times (tonight, it's weighing heavy on my heart) and I know longer believe that it isn't me, but when I think about it from a logical and rational point of view (which I shouldn't) I question why would someone in their right mind not talk or have anything to do with their ONLY son? Then I start loathing him and poisoning myself to get at him, it inflicts no pain to me, but it leaves me hurt and saddened.
***
I'm calling it a night, and while the nightmares haven't returned, the wounds of life leave me open to infection.
[nv]
Friday, February 16, 2007
My (spiritual) roots
As a personal exercise for me, I am going to write about my spiritual roots. Thinking it over in my head, I figure that I have three phases in my walk as a follower of Christ, and they are as follows:1) "Christian" - 5 to 14
2) Follower of Christ - 15 to 20
3) Pilgrim/Ragamuffin - 21...
In the following 3 blogs (albeit, I may blog about something else in between) I will write step by step what that particular phase of being a follower of Christ was like for me, what shaped me, what aided in the growing of my spiritual roots.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
♥ ♥ ♥ Valentine's Day ♥ ♥ ♥
♥
Today I spent part of my day with my girlfriend, while it wasn't too Valentine's Day-esque (Yes, I did get her roses&chocolate), that is going to happen this weekend coming up. I enjoy spending time with the girlfriend, and though there were times where Ben (her older son) was running around like crazy (he does that sometimes), it was still fun...it's always fun.
God has truly blessed me with a wonderful girlfriend, she is amazing, beautiful, creative, delightful, excellent, friendly, Godly, happy, intelligent, joyful, kind, loving, marvelous, nice, observant, passionate, quick, respectful, smiley, thoughtful, understanding, v (I'll think of something), wonderful, x-treme, young and zestful!
:D
She makes me smile,
my girlfriend Chrissy.
[n][v]
Today I spent part of my day with my girlfriend, while it wasn't too Valentine's Day-esque (Yes, I did get her roses&chocolate), that is going to happen this weekend coming up. I enjoy spending time with the girlfriend, and though there were times where Ben (her older son) was running around like crazy (he does that sometimes), it was still fun...it's always fun.
God has truly blessed me with a wonderful girlfriend, she is amazing, beautiful, creative, delightful, excellent, friendly, Godly, happy, intelligent, joyful, kind, loving, marvelous, nice, observant, passionate, quick, respectful, smiley, thoughtful, understanding, v (I'll think of something), wonderful, x-treme, young and zestful!
:D
She makes me smile,
my girlfriend Chrissy.
[n][v]
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
the nightmare has returned...pray for me.
This might come across as straight/bizzare/etc but since Friday night, the nightmare (read below) has returned. I don't know why I am having a reoccuring nightmare, but I have been...
Okay,
here's the nightmare I've had since Friday and on other occasions:
It's a funeral scene,
in which a dear friend of mine is dead,
(where the funeral is held varies, lately it has taken place at dusk in a grove of trees)
and I approach the casket,
look at her face,
and I cry - but my tears aren't tears persay, rather, they're tears of blood.
I cry and the tears of blood stain me and her...
That's where it ends
and it scares the crap out of me everytime.
So please pray for me,
thanks.
[n][v]
Okay,
here's the nightmare I've had since Friday and on other occasions:
It's a funeral scene,
in which a dear friend of mine is dead,
(where the funeral is held varies, lately it has taken place at dusk in a grove of trees)
and I approach the casket,
look at her face,
and I cry - but my tears aren't tears persay, rather, they're tears of blood.
I cry and the tears of blood stain me and her...
That's where it ends
and it scares the crap out of me everytime.
So please pray for me,
thanks.
[n][v]
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Ministry insights: why I am not throwing it away...
The relationships I have going with the students I hang out with.
Life at this time is very hectic at this time, and as a result my time has been altered and my quest for finding a job has been rather slow. I do get out and apply at a lot of places both near and far from my house, but lately, looking for jobs has become a full time job. As if that were not enough, I also have a class that I'm taking at the local community college, I have a wonderful girlfriend I like spending time with, I am involved with my church's middle school group, I am involved with Young Life, I am mentoring a young guy from my church, I am helping my mom as she recoups from surgery.
***
Needless to say, I am a bit on the tired side with everything I have going on. But you know what? I wouldn't trade any of it away, I simply wouldn't.
My father (earthly) has talked to me about dropping EVERYTHING to spend more time looking for a job, he has gotten under my skin about a lot of things, but to say that I should throw away the relationships I have going, the ministries I'm involved with... simply, it is something I WILL NOT DO!!! (There, I said it.)
My father tried to explain to me that once he got his psych job, he dropped everything (including tuitoring some people) in pursuit of the job. That saddens me to think that he dropped all for a job. While a job is important, I could never be that callous to the point where I screw everything I (by God's strength) have been doing+being. My father can and does cut such ties in his life, back then to now, the ties that bind are either loosely assembled or they're not even there, I will never do such things as that.
So even though I am busy like no other, I will continue on with what I have & looking for a job as well. I do not want to be one of those people who builds relationships and then walks away from them, it would hurt me, but possibly hurt more the other people involved, as one of the guys I hang with said last night "You've become a part of our lives, you've become a part of my life" - and while I don't puff myself with pride on this, I am humbled and thankful to God for those people who have not only been ministered unto me, but also those who (in their own certain ways) have ministered to me.
[n][v]
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
life today for adolescents - as I see it
One thing I am realizing this semester with St. Charles Young Life is more of the hurt that exists in today's society. It has been there for a long time, and sadly, it's not leaving any time soon.
2 songs come to mind that to me capture youth today, or at least those I minister unto; Papa Roach - Broken Home and The Fray - How to Save a Life
Here's an explanation for each song, feel free to play it and read along:
Papa Roach - Broken Home
To me, this song is kind of like a modern "cats in the cradle" by Harry Chapin, in which Papa Roach's song quickly identifies the person (presumably a youth, or recollection from childhood) who has come from a house that's been shook to its foundation by divorce (and if you watch the music video it shows that there might have been something more). The song is not a downer, but it paints a sad picture of what's taken place, but also it touches on the subject that quite possibly it is a generational deja-vu; i.e. what happens to the youth, happened to the youth's father.
I can relate to this song, while my parents haven't divorced, there have been a lot of events in these days/weeks/months that has shaken the core of our family, and sadly I didn't think it would turn out like this, but it was definitely heading somewhere downhill.
Working with youth who come from broken homes, I've made myself close and yet there's some distance because how can I relate? Yet as a result of the things that have been taking place in my life/family life, I can identify with them better, it's not all sympathy, but I am starting to become empathetic.
The Fray - How to Save a Life
Is this a song about the what-ifs of life as a result of a friend who has killed themself? Is it regret for not doing something different in the life of someone else? I'm not certain to the fullest extent of what this song is exactly about (here's the music video) and yet it paints another picture of what the youth I work with are going through.
Even tonight, as I talked to one of the youth, I asked him who a certain someone was in which he titled his MySpace for a while, he shared with me that it was a friends sister or some similar to that -- the girl committed suicide. He mentioned that she was on the verge of committing suicide for some time now, he said she attempted 8-9 times prior to this one that sadly ended her life. This suicide isn't the first one mentioned, during a time in which we've prayed as a group of guys, several of the youth mentioned how they had friends/relatives commit or try to commit suicide, some guys even mentioned they were the ones who helped their peers to not commit suicide.
Such is the burden that some of the youth today have to carry on their backs, it's a heavy burden and as a youth leader/youth pastor of sorts, it saddens me that satan has planted dispair and hopelessness, as if to say 'the only way out is by death.'
In all, youth today have it rough, and even if it is obvious, we who are youth pastors and youth leaders need to get involved and help out youth. Even if it is not our title/position, we who are followers of Christ need to help out.
[n][v]
2 songs come to mind that to me capture youth today, or at least those I minister unto; Papa Roach - Broken Home and The Fray - How to Save a Life
Here's an explanation for each song, feel free to play it and read along:
Papa Roach - Broken Home
To me, this song is kind of like a modern "cats in the cradle" by Harry Chapin, in which Papa Roach's song quickly identifies the person (presumably a youth, or recollection from childhood) who has come from a house that's been shook to its foundation by divorce (and if you watch the music video it shows that there might have been something more). The song is not a downer, but it paints a sad picture of what's taken place, but also it touches on the subject that quite possibly it is a generational deja-vu; i.e. what happens to the youth, happened to the youth's father.
I can relate to this song, while my parents haven't divorced, there have been a lot of events in these days/weeks/months that has shaken the core of our family, and sadly I didn't think it would turn out like this, but it was definitely heading somewhere downhill.
Working with youth who come from broken homes, I've made myself close and yet there's some distance because how can I relate? Yet as a result of the things that have been taking place in my life/family life, I can identify with them better, it's not all sympathy, but I am starting to become empathetic.
The Fray - How to Save a Life
Is this a song about the what-ifs of life as a result of a friend who has killed themself? Is it regret for not doing something different in the life of someone else? I'm not certain to the fullest extent of what this song is exactly about (here's the music video) and yet it paints another picture of what the youth I work with are going through.
Even tonight, as I talked to one of the youth, I asked him who a certain someone was in which he titled his MySpace for a while, he shared with me that it was a friends sister or some similar to that -- the girl committed suicide. He mentioned that she was on the verge of committing suicide for some time now, he said she attempted 8-9 times prior to this one that sadly ended her life. This suicide isn't the first one mentioned, during a time in which we've prayed as a group of guys, several of the youth mentioned how they had friends/relatives commit or try to commit suicide, some guys even mentioned they were the ones who helped their peers to not commit suicide.
Such is the burden that some of the youth today have to carry on their backs, it's a heavy burden and as a youth leader/youth pastor of sorts, it saddens me that satan has planted dispair and hopelessness, as if to say 'the only way out is by death.'
In all, youth today have it rough, and even if it is obvious, we who are youth pastors and youth leaders need to get involved and help out youth. Even if it is not our title/position, we who are followers of Christ need to help out.
[n][v]
Monday, January 29, 2007
Head knowledge vs. heart knowledge
Head knowledge vs. heart knowledge
In my time away from JudCo. I've started reading...more! Whether it's liturgies, spiritual practices, Greek Orthodox literature, the Bible, and others...no bragging on my part whatsoever. Anyway, as I've read these books and are going through more, I'm steadily...slowly...
Moving that knowledge from my head,
to my heart...
In some ways, it's like love; you may know about Love with your head, but it is best practiced out by your heart. Not that your heart should be a compass when it comes to love, but as a follower of Christ I've mixed what I've learned (head and heart knowledge) and started practicing that out;
Love, I've learned, is something that should not be on a limited basis; one should not love 'because you have to' but because you want to. God's love is unlimited, deep and abounding; His love...I am in awe of God for many a reason, but His love...I cannot put it in words, I am in awe...I am speechless.As I'm learning to love my girlfriend (it isn't too hard
) I'm reading passages of scripture and other things that are aiding in my walk as follower of Christ, but also at being a better boyfriend. I won't say it's foolproof, but it sure beats sitting on my duff and just walking blindly through our relationship. Chrissy is wonderful, amazing, humorous, lovely, beautiful and Godly - (she's more attributes, but I'm saving space here). God has blessed me with a wonderful girlfriend, she is truly a gift of God in my life.
[n][v]
Thursday, January 18, 2007
a week of fasting
I write my experiences not as bragging rights or claiming that I am holier-than-thou, I am far from it, I'm a broken individual, a travelling ragamuffin, a person who receives grace from God, a person who learns and relearns (a never ending process).
So I started off this week doing something I've never done before, started at 10:30 pm on Sunday and will continue on through to this Sunday at 10:30 pm.
I'm talking about Fasting
Fasting is defined in two ways;
1) To abstain from food, especially as a religious discipline.
2) To eat very little or abstain from certain foods, especially as a religious discipline.
In my case, it's the first one.
I decided before I started that I would fast for several reasons;
1) spend more time with God - in prayer
2) spend more time reading the Bible
3) be still and know I am God (Psalm 46:10) - meditation in silence
4) being...instead of doing.
and so I started...
When I started the fast, I quickly noticed how hungry I got, but as I spent time in prayer or reading the Bible, the hunger pangs were lessened. In the 20th hour of the fast, the hunger pangs hit even stronger.
It was while I was driving to my girlfriend's house, my mind wandered off to what I could eat, that is, to break my fast, yet in my mind I started thinking/making compromises;
I figure it was an attack by satan and demons (not the only one this week) and he/they were telling me it would be okay if I had crackers, and in my mind I thought yeah, just crackers and then I started thinking of what I could put on my crackers...
After all these thoughts of what I could eat, I started praying. I prayed that the attacks would end and that the pain due to a lack of eating would go away in Jesus' name and after that, the pains of hunger have ceased (even now as I type).
Now another thing that I've learned/experienced during this week of fasting is stillness; be still and know I am God - in moments where the rush of life is silenced, I've listened and tuned into God's voice; yes, God's voice is audible regardless of the rush of life, but in the stillness, the quietness...I've heard God, I've heard more than I have for a while. So what has God been saying to me? Well, he's preparing a way...a way out, actually. There have been some things God has revealed that are personal, things that cut me to the core, but there are things that hold me and give me hope for the future.
I've been meditating on this verse - Jeremiah 29: 11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I've drawn a lot of comfort from that passage, because so often I worry about what the future holds - life, career, family of my own, success...and more, and I am learning (and relearning) to trust in Him with all things.
I will end with this; fasting for a week is one of the hardest things I've done to my body from a physical angle, but one of the best things I've done for me spiritually. Getting in tune as it were on a spiritual level has opened my eyes even more, and I know for certain this won't be the last time I fast. I am also more aware of the spiritual warfare that takes place in my life and the life of others, I am saddened and upset at the black shadows that accompany my father, the ones that tell him it is best to leave me alone and to not even talk to me, not even hello-how-was-your-day, the ones that tell him to yell at me, to treat me badly and to cut me verbally on an emotional level.
But all in all,
I'm standing on the Rock,
Though the waves of life crash all around me,
I will stand firm.
[n][v]
So I started off this week doing something I've never done before, started at 10:30 pm on Sunday and will continue on through to this Sunday at 10:30 pm.
I'm talking about Fasting
Fasting is defined in two ways;
1) To abstain from food, especially as a religious discipline.
2) To eat very little or abstain from certain foods, especially as a religious discipline.
In my case, it's the first one.
I decided before I started that I would fast for several reasons;
1) spend more time with God - in prayer
2) spend more time reading the Bible
3) be still and know I am God (Psalm 46:10) - meditation in silence
4) being...instead of doing.
and so I started...
When I started the fast, I quickly noticed how hungry I got, but as I spent time in prayer or reading the Bible, the hunger pangs were lessened. In the 20th hour of the fast, the hunger pangs hit even stronger.
It was while I was driving to my girlfriend's house, my mind wandered off to what I could eat, that is, to break my fast, yet in my mind I started thinking/making compromises;
I figure it was an attack by satan and demons (not the only one this week) and he/they were telling me it would be okay if I had crackers, and in my mind I thought yeah, just crackers and then I started thinking of what I could put on my crackers...
After all these thoughts of what I could eat, I started praying. I prayed that the attacks would end and that the pain due to a lack of eating would go away in Jesus' name and after that, the pains of hunger have ceased (even now as I type).
Now another thing that I've learned/experienced during this week of fasting is stillness; be still and know I am God - in moments where the rush of life is silenced, I've listened and tuned into God's voice; yes, God's voice is audible regardless of the rush of life, but in the stillness, the quietness...I've heard God, I've heard more than I have for a while. So what has God been saying to me? Well, he's preparing a way...a way out, actually. There have been some things God has revealed that are personal, things that cut me to the core, but there are things that hold me and give me hope for the future.
I've been meditating on this verse - Jeremiah 29: 11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I've drawn a lot of comfort from that passage, because so often I worry about what the future holds - life, career, family of my own, success...and more, and I am learning (and relearning) to trust in Him with all things.
I will end with this; fasting for a week is one of the hardest things I've done to my body from a physical angle, but one of the best things I've done for me spiritually. Getting in tune as it were on a spiritual level has opened my eyes even more, and I know for certain this won't be the last time I fast. I am also more aware of the spiritual warfare that takes place in my life and the life of others, I am saddened and upset at the black shadows that accompany my father, the ones that tell him it is best to leave me alone and to not even talk to me, not even hello-how-was-your-day, the ones that tell him to yell at me, to treat me badly and to cut me verbally on an emotional level.
But all in all,
I'm standing on the Rock,
Though the waves of life crash all around me,
I will stand firm.
[n][v]
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Wow...
What an amazing week (1/7 - 1/14) has been!
First off, on Wednesday, it became official; this girl that you see (Chrissy), we started dating.
God...God's amazing, and so is my Girlfriend.
His timing,
His ways,
amazing...simply amazing.
*sigh*
She's a wonderful person and I am truly blessed by God to know her and to date her,
I'm pretty much speechless,
but I'm sure to find the words I feel at a later time. 
[n][v]
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
I live a very mundane life at this time, it's changing, but for now my life consists of reading, writing and blogging. I also hang out with a few friends, but at times it's just me and my books.
Oh well,
God is revealing a lot - both good and bad - in my life, and sometimes the truth cuts deep.
I'm not sure anything else needs to be said/written out at this time,
(no need to ramble on)
[n][v]