So...where was I?

Oh, this week.

The major aspects of this week were Jello Olympics, homework, AIDS in Africa and...well...that's all I can recall, all others things are unimportant (just kidding).

The Jello Olympics is the kick off for the Young Life I'm a part of. In retrospect, one year ago (rather close to the date) I started working at Young Life, and when the Jello Olympics took place, I was very hesitant to get involved - Jello wise - so my friend and former classmate from Spanish Class at Waubonsee (this is how he introduces me, odd...but that's Aaron's style.)Aaron and I talk and comment, but avoid the Jello, except to randomly throw chunks at each other, but nothing too intense... This year, Aaron and I ranked with the best of them! We were covered quite thoroughly and a particular Young Life teen had her eye on me... in which I got Jello in my eyes, mouth, ears...*sigh* How fun, but done on purpose.
There were also tarps that we made into giant slip and slides and we belly surfed, foot surfed, etc. on them! The girl wanted to race me standing up, but by the end of it, we were both sliding, but not in a standing position.
It was a lot of fun, but since it was a cold night, I was not only covered in Jello, but I was cold AND covered in Jello. I am blessed by God to be part of this ministry, I plan on being there for a while...

AIDS in Africa:

I have been bombarded in some ways in regards to the AIDS issue in Africa, but I have been bombarded in a good way. It started last Saturday at Willow Creek and then they discussed in Chapel on Monday.
As I mentioned before, I believe that I can do something, and the room mates want to do something as well... So, while I have yet to drop my classes and board a plane to Africa, I've given it some thought and some prayer; I don't know what lies ahead, but next summer... just thinking, I even know people who could support me by way of $$$ - that which I don't have. I really don't know what'll happen next in regards to this and me, but regardless, it is in God's hands...

Homework:

I have been rather busy with homework, that which I have put off and picked back up before the axe strikes.
I am finding out that I have more to do than I realize, so nights will become longer (*groan*) and possibly earlier mornings... I'm tired and spent in some ways, but it is what's needed to be done. God has also shown to me that I can work steadily, if undistracted and motivated; I set too many distractions in my way sometimes, but I am motivated to do well... I need to do well, for God (number 1) and then for me (number 2) and family (a distant and still a factor in my life- 3).

***

It's homecoming weekend, perhaps I'll write something else...later.

n[]v

Tonight the roommates (Justin+Herbie) and I went to Willow Creek to hear/watch a video in which Bill Hybels interviewed Bono of U2. It was more than just interesting to hear Bono speak about social justice and what we as followers of Christ should do, it was convicting. The roomies and I on the way back and over dinner talked/discussed what we could do. We haven't come to a decision, but we realize that our strengths (physical) and desire (God's) combined, we can actually do something instead of just praying about it.
Yes, prayer is a big part of it, but we can do something with our hands and feet - to go, to be stretched, to be contorted in ways we never new possible, all for the glory of God.

So what next? Well... we don't know, but I brought up next summer... I just hope this goes somewhere instead of just letting it slip by, I hope it happens soon!

Dear God,
Thank you for Bono and Hybels message tonight,
It struck a chord with me,
One that wants to help and aid and bring hope and love to others,
I know you're there already,
Help my roommates and I get there ourselves.
Help us,
Mold us,
Guide us and teach us your ways,
We love you,
We want to make a difference - unto your glory and not ours,
In your precious name I pray,
Amen.

[n][v]

Prayer;
what is it?
Prayer is talking/communicating with God.
But, I wonder,
is that all that prayer is or it can be?

When I think about prayer, I don't limit it to only talking to God, but to the various things I'm good at - that becomes my prayer, that becomes my worship unto God.

A child's prayer,
I heard a child pray not to long ago; he prayed for the tangible, abstract, the mundane - but then he prayed for his mommy and daddy, all his friends... It was beautiful. I am certain without any doubt, that God heard his prayers before he mentioned his family and friends.
God hears our all our prayers; the sacred and mundane, the truth and the trivial, every prayer offered up to him gets heard and answered.
The answer might not be the one we expected, it might be no, wait or yes - God hears all his prayers...

I have been thinking lately about prayer and I wonder - what about prayers offered up to God by those who don't know him? For example, several of my Muslims pray for me and I for them, and I wonder... Do the prayers of the Muslims reach my Father's ears? I think he does hear the prayers of the Muslim, the Buddhist, the Hindu, etc... Because if we can pray for the mundane things in our lives, would not the prayers of someone who isn't a follower of Christ be heard as well?

I'll have to pray about this
(no pun intended)

Last, but not least,
I wonder this; followers of Christ are called to pray for others, but when does the line cross and move into doing something instead of praying about something? Prayer is very valuable, but when do we stop praying (but not entirely) and do/be something more?

***

I think I will see how I can not only pray for someone, but act out as a follower of Christ who is not caught up in the 'Christian Bubble' and go, do and be.

oh my Father in Heaven,
thank you for hearing my prayers,
and the prayers of children,
and the prayers of the childless,
and the prayers of those who don't know you.
Make us who are yours
more like you,
shape us in the image of your Son,
teach us in all your ways,
show us how to love others as we'd like to be loved,
in your precious name I pray,
AMEN.

n:v - 2006©

Still having a series of good days in a way that's not narcissistic,
however...

One of the newest friends I've made on campus has been going through some rough times and the world is making her close up... She talked briefly to me on my way to the cafeteria and her to her class or something, it makes me sad to know that she's going through a rough time...

I offer this question,
a hypotheical one, but still-

I can only speak from my own experiences, and it's that I've learned a lot as a result of hindsight: some of it has been resolved and some of it will have to wait for when I get to Heaven and I ask God... Why? I don't have as many WHY questions as I once did, but that's because I've made sense of it by hindsight.

I'm sorry Jennifer,
but... What can I say to you to let you know I've been there too?
Besides prayer, what action can I take to help you out?

I want to be your friend,
I want to be more than a hi/bye friend,
I want to do more than skim the surface...

If you're reading this,
let me know...okay?


***

[n][v]

Two things... that's all.

1) Movie with Barb and Fansong:

Last night I saw this movie with Barb and Fansong

(Little Miss Sunshine)

It was nihilistic, narcissistic, anarchistic, demented, twisted, psychotic...
but it was very funny and good!

The movie is good, so go see it! I'll give a review later.


2) Prayer request:

I checked out a church today with some Judsonites and it seems legit, but there was a guy who's running the college group seems a bit, well... just read this:

Jesus is the Way*

Yeah, Jesus is the Way asterisk; there may be an opportunity for the college students in the church to visit some Buddhist temples, Islamic mosques, Jewish synagogues and other places of worship for the sake of learning about the religion and partaking in worship, but from the perspective of a Christian. This guy went on to say that the following week would be discussion based, and it might be a time in which the college students might find that they identify more with that particular faith... What? That's what I thought to myself, he then went on to say something like well it's not like we know for certain that we're (Christians) are the right ones, who knows? We might actually be wrong.

Yeah, so I have some guff against this church already, but just pray for the following:

I need prayer for spiritual discernment;
I'd like to get involved with the church instead of coming on Sunday morning, worshiping and praying, taking sermon notes and then leaving.

But if this is what the person believes, and I help out or something like that, I want to either help out this guy in his walk (he's my parents age) or perhaps not even be involved. I'm not trying to find the negative in him, but if you're not helping, you're hindering. Even my Buddhist, Islamic, Jewish, etc. friends know what I stand for, and if they don't know what you stand for, there's room to backslide...which shouldn't occur. Know what you believe and make sure others know what you believe, just don't shove the Gospel down their throat - make your ministry relational, make what you believe relational...

That's all for now,

[]n[]v[]

Not in the narcisstic meaning/implication...

But I feel HAPPY.

I don't know all the catalysts to my happiness, but yesterday-

Well, first things first,
I had a photoshoot the other day, in which I took some photos of the wooded area across the way from Judson College. It was relaxing to be in the great outdoors even if it's just a small park across from school...

It was very beautiful+placid,
I love the outdoors and feel close[r] to God such places.

I then went to St. Sophia's Greek Orthodox Church because I wanted to see if I could take some pictures of their sanctuary - which is beautiful and full of icons and other Orthodox items...

Well,
I got the cold shoulder from one of the church leaders, he questioned what my intent of taking photos, and I told him I'm just a freelance photographer and he didn't believe me.

I was kind of irked, but I'm over it now. (I wonder, what credentials do you need when you're a freelance photographer?)

I went back to my dorm after that to do some studying, and at around 6:45 I left for St. Charles East for a football game... Long story short; it was one of the best football games I've been to, the Saints spanked the other team!

Anyway,
another catalyst to my happiness is that I hung out with Jeff Maulding, Alicia, Melissa and Kevin; I came in near the end of Groundhog's Day and I stayed around because I love that movie. It was after the movie that I layed some truth and happenings in my life, he looked me in the eye with his smile and gave me the look of hang-in-there,-God's-watching-over-you and then he hugged me and then we parted ways.

Jeff Maulding, is one of the most amazing/greatest people I've met ever; sure I've only known him during the school year and for one year at that, but God has put amazing people in my direction out here.

And my plans are a bit delayed;
It won't be this week, but in time...hopefully.

But I am Happy because I'm believing and trusting God...100 percent; I've believed and trusted in God, but I haven't given him my all, and for the first time, I'm doing it.

I feel happy to my core,
Happy from my head to my feet...

*smile*

God is good, all the time,
All the time, God is good.

[n][v]

The bad post...

Well...

There's a downside to this story; not that this overflows too much into today, but, just read on...

After finding out that Jeffrey was on the first plane, my life went into a dark and downward spiral; I already was depressed and lonely at times, but I soon became more of both.

I did some things in that time frame that I am not proud about, I did things that I will never do again and it's by God's grace that he brought me this far...

My mind started running with the question as I tried to sleep, is Jeff in Heaven or is he in Hell? This question kept tearing at me, kept haunting me and I was an insomniac for 5 to 6 months.
It all changed dramatically when I went on a winter retreat in February and on the last night I was bombarded by too much media in regards to 9/11; the Towers, Pentagon, etc... It was flipping nuts! It was in that instant that I broke down hard. I proceeded to cry my heart out to God for the next 2-3 hours, in which I just kept on crying and feeling the pain of losing a friend such as Jeffrey.

God met me where I was and he healed me...

Now I will give you the reality of then and now;
I still hurt when I see 9/11 footage and I also get aches and pains that affect my body, like stabs that happen. It's usually on this day that I'm probably most down, I might smile, but if I do that, there's a 50/50 chance that it might be a facade.

Today I told some people what I was going through, and guess what? They cared and said they'd pray for me! I'm happy because of those folks who had a kind heart to hear about some of my story in regards to 9/11.

I am no longer depressed and lonely in regards to 9/11,
I still hurt and I just wanted to throw my tray of food at the wall in the cafeteria just because my mind was looping Fire and Rain by James Taylor to the music video of Best Day by Carpark North and I wanted to just let emotions run amok, this was a very short lived idea...

Later on tonight I will be sharing some of my story with the Young Lifers I know, I may cry and I might not, but God has used this day for more good than bad.

[n][v]

The bad post...

Well...

There's a downside to this story; not that this overflows too much into today, but, just read on...

After finding out that Jeffrey was on the first plane, my life went into a dark and downward spiral; I already was depressed and lonely at times, but I soon became more of both.

I did some things in that time frame that I am not proud about, I did things that I will never do again and it's by God's grace that he brought me this far...

My mind started running with the question as I tried to sleep, is Jeff in Heaven or is he in Hell? This question kept tearing at me, kept haunting me and I was an insomniac for 5 to 6 months.
It all changed dramatically when I went on a winter retreat in February and on the last night I was bombarded by too much media in regards to 9/11; the Towers, Pentagon, etc... It was flipping nuts! It was in that instant that I broke down hard. I proceeded to cry my heart out to God for the next 2-3 hours, in which I just kept on crying and feeling the pain of losing a friend such as Jeffrey.

God met me where I was and he healed me...

Now I will give you the reality of then and now;
I still hurt when I see 9/11 footage and I also get aches and pains that affect my body, like stabs that happen. It's usually on this day that I'm probably most down, I might smile, but if I do that, there's a 50/50 chance that it might be a facade.

Today I told some people what I was going through, and guess what? They cared and said they'd pray for me! I'm happy because of those folks who had a kind heart to hear about some of my story in regards to 9/11.

I am no longer depressed and lonely in regards to 9/11,
I still hurt and I just wanted to throw my tray of food at the wall in the cafeteria just because my mind was looping Fire and Rain by James Taylor to the music video of Best Day by Carpark North and I wanted to just let emotions run amok, this was a very short lived idea...

Later on tonight I will be sharing some of my story with the Young Lifers I know, I may cry and I might not, but God has used this day for more good than bad.

[n][v]

The better post...

9/11/01,
I remember every event, every detail, every tear I shed.

It started out with me doing my schoolwork (I was homeschooled) and I was just doing my English work when I heard on the radio that a small plane accidentally hit one of the Trade Towers in New York. I stopped a bit, thinking how odd to myself...

But as that day unfolded,
and the days unfolded, it happened to be a heck of a lot more.

You should know all the details, so I won't get into that...

But what I found out while working that Saturday shook me to the very core:

Jeffrey Collman

a former neighbor's grandson, was aboard the first plane, the 'small plane' that was mentioned on the radio.

I kept my composure,
I didn't want to cry/etc. while working and so I kept it to myself until I got home.

I shared the news with the family, some remembered who he was and some didn't, but I certainly remembered him... He used to visit his grandmother who lived across from us in my old neighborhood, and if he had time he'd visit my mother+sisters+I. He was a kind person who was friendly. Although I was young at the time, I remember his kindness.

I had a rough life as it was already, but this news was the straw that broke my back...

God used this day in a remarkable way in regards to my life, walk with God, etc.

And that's where the better post ends...

The pain of retrospect: 5 years later...

So I am going to blog twice today about 9/11 and what it means to me.
There's going to be a bad post and there's going to be a good better post.

Why two you may ask,
I have to write two because there's two sides of the story for me,
two different, but at the same time, connected elements.

Why bad and why better?
Bad = because I'm human, I'm not angry at God, but this day stabs at who I am.
Better = It's not good. Frankly, this day has been better in a lot of ways, but because of what this day means to me, it isn't exactly good.

enjoy!
[n][v]

Grace...
This day has been tampered by God's grace and others.

I don't mind grace,
I don't even deserve grace from God and others, but
it is give to me time and time again.

*********
*PRAYER*
*********

It was nice to be prayed for by my fellow leaders + friends from Young Life tonight,
I mean, I'm going through some rough times and I am coming to a point where I'm finally real with those whom I trust. Not everyone is going to hear how crappy life is sometimes to me, but for those who I trust, I'm ready to drop the facade and be vulnerable to them. It's also been nice that they've done the same thing to me...

I've hated this mask I've been calling myself for the longest time,
I'm glad that God is working within me to change for the better...

And in other news,
the Crocodile Hunter has passed away
Pray for the family/friends/etc. that he leaves behind.

And the highest thing on ebay in reference to him is currently going for $1,551.76 and has 48 bids on it so far. It's a poster that was autographed by him... I think it's horrible when people try to make a quick buck when someone dies... What's this world coming to? Oh yeah, the end...

{NV}

*sigh*

It's been a long day, a very long day.

Some things have been screwed up along the way, and as a result, it's been tough.

I don't want to get into details, but, if you would pray for me, I'd really appreciate it. I'm praying to God and leaving it all in His hands, I have faith in Him that it'll be over soon, but a part of me is very anxious and I don't need any more anxioty in my life.

I'm starting to get what it means to have faith like a child,
and...well... It leaves me authentic, vulnerable and childlike to God
and I love every moment of it.

{NV}