I have decided to entitle this blog entry as:
God does not want me home...yet!

So the weather outside is a disaster to drive in,
it is sleeting/snowing and is miserable to be on the road, but this evening I was on the road because I was going to Gerald Longjohn's house for the Internationals Bible Study...
I drove out to his place in this miserable weather with Sunny and Twinkle (two Internationals from India) when suddenly a driver (in a Chevy Astro, I'm a car guy, I know these things) drifted over his line and was headed for us! He crossed the median and went into a spin that landed him in a ditch!
These are the possible ways in which we could have been seriously hurt or killed - *not being morbid, just observational*
1) Hitting us head on
2) Hitting us when he went into a spin
3) Me slamming on my brakes
4) Him making contact with a telephone pole that could have fallen on my car or worse

***

God is so good!
He kept me and my [scared] passengers safe as we drove to John's house.

As much as I look forward to going home to Heaven someday, I guess God did not want me to go home...today.

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

Burning the façade of self

Burning the façade of self,
the mask I choose to remove from the shelf,
to take it and douse it in gasoline,
to shed blood from this hollow machine-
no longer the machine, I am flesh
time to start anew, afresh,
not going back to my old ways,
no longer dwelling it older days,
it's a painful task of healing
after being numbed to my feelings,
hidden emotions the lie of a smile,
I wore them well, I was quite vile,
because people did believe
the message I did deceive
they saw at surface level where I was drowning,
they saw a happy kid who wasn't frowning-
Now... now I walk to a different beat,
where life isn't simple or even neat,
and now's the time to be done with the old,
time to be real, time to be bold...

[n][v]

various graphics/photos/gifs I have stolen... with a vegetarian theme from www.photobucket.com


Now I don't mind people who eat meat, go ahead, it is you're choice. I am a vegetarian for a not so common reason... I am a vegetarian in regards to missions: Later on in life I plan on doing missions, perhaps to some places where meat is not a common staple. So last July 7th I decided to become a vegetarian, but just in regards to missions. There is so much here in the U.S. that I believe that if I can give up meat where it is abundant, it will be easier to give it up than to go without it in a place where meat is uncommon...

I will eat meat if the places I do missions eat meat, but if it is not a common staple - then I will not eat meat.

And that is why
I am a vegetarian.
[n][v]

This poem speaks to me on multiple levels; in regards to how selfish I am, how much I want to pursue God, how much I don't measure up and yet... God continues to love me, etc.
This became a song by Phil Keaggy in 1976, it is beautifully done and it is a flash from my past... It was the first tape I ever owned and because my tape wore out quickly, I bought 2 copies of Love Broke Thru on Vinyl! It takes me back... Farther than I should go in regards to memories - A lot of good happened back then, but also a lot of bad (which I rather not blog about).

As the Ruin Falls

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you. I never had a selfless thought since I was born. I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through: I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn. Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek, I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin: I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek-- But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin. Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack. I see the chasm. And everything you are was making My heart into a bridge by which I might get back From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking. For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains You give me are more precious than all other gains. C S Lewis

Well... being a single person, my Singles Awareness Day/Valentines Day went... good, I guess.

I received a Valentine from a classmate, funny BatMan themed one...
Even though I wasn't expecting anything it was nice to get...

I also received one by way of email from a friend, Nice/Funny/Cute - yeah, I can use those words if I choose to.

My mother also sent me a Valentine; It was very sweet and thoughtful, and it also contained some $$$ - which isn't the reason why I like it, but it is a nice thing on the side...

How was your Valentines Day?
[n][v]

lying face down in the snow,
how my scarlet blood doth flow,
I lay here weak and dying,
wishing for my life that I'd stop crying,
it's been forever since I've seen your face,
I feel abandoned, like a disgrace,
I want to see you again, this is how I am wired,
yet stress has worn me down and I am tired,
who knows what tomorrow holds,
there may be a day in which we grow old-
Together...

[n][v]

I am still sick, I feel achey and I don't want to get any homework done... I have gotten some out of the way, but I am not doing enough by my standards...

*Sigh*

I had a wonderful day at the Chicago Auto Show with some friends yesterday, I was only disappointed by two things:

1) No Lamborghinis... I like them and none were there!
2) Old creepy guys with cameras taking pictures of girls at the Auto Show; It made me mad! If I had my way, I'd kick them... but I am a tad bit nicer than that. Gah... These girls could have been their granddaughters...sickening.

Back to homework...

P.S. If someone would pray for me... Thanks. Life is very difficult at this time, if you want the details, you'll have to ask.

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

So... I had a bad dream...again. I've been having a reoccuring dream which changes slightly everytime I have it; I dream of my friend coming back from Iraq...In a casket. In this deja-vu dream, she comes back from Iraq in a casket, but the wounds that killed her are visible, the angelic smile is stripped from her face and she lies there, cold as ice. I approach the casket and I cry my heart out, my tears are not of water and salt, but of dark crimson blood... *sigh* It haunts me to think this could happen to my friend, A part of me would die if she ever did leave for Iraq... A larger part would die if she died...

What do you do when your heart is slightly cracked?
[n][v]

O to Z...

Others - there are a lot of others out there, I wish I knew... All of you - life can be so cruel when you feel like you're all alone... I've been there, it is unfun to feel alone in the cold with no one to call you in from the dismal places...
Peace
&
Quiet - a two-part: Life isn't peaceful and quiet in my life, so much to do, so much to accomplish... Life gets in the way of everything! *pure tongue-in-cheek and foot-in-mouth*
Rest - Ha! I get sleep, but I need rest...*tired yawn*
Soy - I don't know, I'd like a vegetarian stirfry, but lack everything to make one!
Time - is fleeting, and so is this weekend!
Um... my overused word, sometimes...
Vitkus - last name, don't wear it out! definition: one who leads
Water - thirst...must...drink...water/agua/H20/etc
Xylophone - used to play it in a church choir - bizzare, but what's more bizzare is that it wasn't even my church!
Yesterday - It is gone, and so... I must move forward...
Zzzzzz - I am falling asleep, so... that's all.

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

Satisfaction:
How unsatisfied we (as a world/country/culture/etc) are not satisfied...
I am not satisfied with my grades,
they could be better... I just need to study more affectively instead of longer,
'cause I am studying A LOT, but what good will it do me if it doesn't get me the desired results?

I am satisfied with each day brings,
sometimes I wish I could put more hours into the day and then I...
rethink that thought and say Well, God has blessed me with another day... Thanks God!

I wish people were more satisfied with their lives/weight/jobs/families/cars/etc.
instead of being unsatisfied with what I don't have, I talk to God about it... This verse comes to mind

Philippians 4:6 Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God."

Do not worry,
God is in control.
If you're feeling unsatisfied, talk to God about it, He always listens...

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

The call to follow Christ is a difficult one; there are many trials that we go through, here is someone's story and the price in which he had to pay for being a Christian.

VOM received a report coming out of Turkey giving a first-hand account of persecution coming from the hands of five men claming association with Al Qaeda. Twenty-nine-year-old Kamil Kiroglu, one of the leaders of Adana Protestant Church in Turkey, wrote this personal testimony after he was beaten unconscious outside his church by Muslim terrorists:

Dear friends and brethren,

My intention is to inform you all about what exactly happened to me and my church on Sunday, January 8, 2006.

As some of you are already aware, my church does not meet for Sunday service in the morning, but instead at 2:00 p.m. Therefore, we open the church and welcome people from 12:00 p.m. onwards. That Sunday (January 8, 2006), at about 1:15 p.m., five young men came in and introduced themselves, and added that they were newly converted Christians. They were expressing their desire to learn more about Jesus Christ and Christianity, and requesting from us (church leaders) private teaching and conversation time after the service?after everyone left the church. They were asking us very insistently?again and again?for such a private lonely conversation time after everyone was gone. Although this request of these five young men was a little bit strange and abnormal, none of us could imagine what their actual evil plan was.

They were five young men; one of them was from 24 to 27 years old and was claiming to be from Turkmenistan. His appearance and manners resembled that of a Russian. Also, he was speaking both Russian and Turkish fluently. The other four men were around 18 to 20 years old, and they were claiming to be from the cities of Gaziantep and Mersin. The younger men were apparently recognizing the oldest man as their leader. These five men attended our Sunday service. They were present with us in our church building from 1:15 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Although they behaved a little bit strangely, they showed a great deal of interest in the Bible and our faith.

After the Sunday service was over, everyone left the church building. As one of the leaders of the church, I was the last one in the building to turn the lights off and shut the door. But these five strange men were still there in the building, insisting on me to tell them more about our faith and God. However, I had an appointment to meet; therefore, I could not sit and spend more time with them. I politely told them that I had to go and proceeded to turn the lights off, while at the same time asking them to leave the building.

At the moment I realized that these five young men were whispering amongst themselves and trying to remain in the building with me alone, I was terrified. I quickly went to the door to look outside for help, and thank God, there was one of my fellow brethren there. So I called him in to try to send these five men out. When they saw this other brethren of mine, they realized that I was not really alone anymore. Therefore, they were reluctantly going out and still asking me to tell them more about Jesus. By this time, I was sure that their real intention was not to learn about Jesus, but something else. That's why I politely told them to go.

Afterwards, they started to whisper amongst themselves about a package they left in the church building. When I heard that, I asked them to come back and take their package; but they refused and said, “It is a surprise gift from Al Qaeda, and soon you will discover what it is!” Then they quickly moved away. After I heard the things they said, I thought that they might have placed a bomb in the church building; therefore, I closed the church door and left the building.

I was trying to call the police, but these five young men returned suddenly and saw me making a phone call. As soon as they saw me making the phone call, they started to run towards me to prevent me from contacting the police. My other brother and I tried to run away, but they caught me and started to beat me. They asked me to deny Jesus and become a Muslim. Thanks to God, and by His grace, my response was, "Jesus is God," and they beat me even more. The more they beat me and asked me to deny Jesus, the more I shouted out, "Jesus is God." The more I shouted, the more they beat me?until I was unconscious.

After a while, I did not even remember what happened, and then I woke up and tried to run away, but they caught me again. They were continuously beating me while I was lying in blood. Suddenly, one of them put a big knife to my belly and asked me again to deny Jesus and become a Muslim. He said that if I do not deny Jesus and accept Islam as my religion, he was going to cut me into pieces. Only by the grace of God, I did not do what he said.

He was ready to slaughter me, and asked me again to deny Jesus. I thought that I was going to be killed at that very moment. I began to think that my journey on this earth was coming to an end. Again, I did not do what he said. At that moment, I felt a shockingly painful hit on my head and spine, and everything around me became dark. I started blacking out, and the next thing I remember was someone trying to wake me up.

When I woke up, they were gone. I could hardly stand up, and started to run for the closest police station. The police helped me a lot and they took me to a hospital and made sure that I was secure. I also told police about the package in the church building. They sent a team to our church building and looked everywhere. Thanks to God, there was not a bomb.

Now, more then a week has passed since this incident, and I am still recovering. They have beaten and tried to kill me just because I believe in Jesus. But my God is Almighty. God miraculously saved me from their hands. After this incident, God reminded me of Psalm 91.

Today I am praising God. I am praising God not because He saved me from death; but I am praising God because I have been beaten and almost killed for the sake of my Lord and God Jesus Christ. I am praising God because He helped me not to deny Him in the shadow of death.

I consider this as an honor. I feel like God has honored me through this attack of Satan. For sure, I know that I do not deserve such an honor; therefore I consider this as grace from my Heavenly Father. I am honored because the prophets of my Father, who were before me, were persecuted in the same way.

Please keep praying for all the believers and the churches in Turkey. Pray that the children of our God will be brave, wise and remain faithful. May our Lord, God and Savior Jesus Christ bless your life and ministry even more abundantly.

Your brother in Christ,

Kamil Kiroglu

Adana, Turkey

*sigh*
I am having a melancholic moment here,
listening to my channel on www.pandora.com and this song is playing...
Our House by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young remains dear to my house,
when I was a young lad, my mother would sing this song, but she tweeked it so it would include 4 kids in the yard in regards to my sisters and I...
Such a long time ago, now... Now we're all doing something different, 'family life' has also changed- Some of it good and some of it bad, I miss the good old days, they were not good, but I was naïve to the problems that existed, and so... Maybe those days were better...

I keep reminding myself to stay in the present,
but so much of my past overlaps itself, it is hard to break free from something that finds its way into now... Though time-travel is not possible, I would (if it was doable) go back in time and fix the damaged areas and heal the wounded parts of my parents/friends/siblings and possibly me, I don't know if I'd heal me because so much has been the fruits of what was not good in its original context, but God has brought forth the rose; It was thorns for a long time, but now the flowers are visible...

So...Yeah,
Our House by CSN&Y is a good tune,
reminising of the past is a good thing, just don't get bogged down in it-
I am still learning this one,
so don't think I am not practicing what I preach;
I have a long way to go, God knows that and so do I.

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

7 months...

since the last time I had this:




That is... Meat!
Today marks 7 months of being a vegetarian, and it has been good - minus the sucky cafeteria options for vegetarians like me, but... we live in a meat eating world, what can ya say? *sigh*
Suprise, Suprise-
It has been rather easy for me to go without meat,
there are some things I miss (General Tso's Chicken at Chinese Wok...*drool*), but besides that I've been rather good. I need some stirfry or some tofu, 'cause I want something good to eat. Lunch consisted of a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich; good, but I eat it too much as it is, so... change is in order.

So...
all I can say is this:
Giving up what you can go without is no problem,
but what you want/desire/crave takes time in giving up, Go to God with those your vices... I am going to him with mine, It isn't easy, but it is a time process... So take each day one at a time.

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

Just a day at a time,
taking it slow,
taking each day
and letting things grow.

just a day at a time,
passing the rhyme
forgetting what
-normally
-would be
-consuming me.

How I smile through the tears
because of years enshrouded in fears,
How I change
rearrange
act a bit strange,
to recapture the time that has me
adrift out at sea
only God and me
wondering what'll be
in two years maybe three...

But I am still walking this line,
one day at a time.

End of the spear

It is one thing to know about what happened to the 5 men who were martyred by the Waodani in Ecuador almost 50 years later, but I have taken it a step further.
At The Ben (Judson folk will know what I mean), I checked to see if they had the January 30th '56 issue of TIME magazine, and...They did! I am not excited about part of this issue, but they do have photographs of practically what happened on the beachhead in Ecuador (where they landed, etc.) and such photos included what were the last photographs of Nate Saint or Jim Elliot, I can't remember which one was taking photographs. On the sad side, there were also photos of their bodies submerged in the water, some with spears still in their bodies...

So,
I tell you this because sometimes doing extra research on things of this nature can be painful, and you can dig up too much...

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

pain...a poem.

I am a sponge,
and I soak up so much:
the details, the wounds, the scars emotional and physical.
Why did you think it wouldn't affect me?
I am flesh and blood and emotion,
I am caught in the balance of holding my own ground
and for what? Don't tell me what I already know...

I am not falling apart,
but I don't need to take on the roles unintended,
let me be, let me have peace, thank you.

I am healing;
breaking apart and being sewn back together,
it is painful, but
it is what I need
it is what I want.
God provides me with the strength I lack,
thanks be to God for the wounds that brought me back to him
thanks be to God for the healing that brings me closer to him.
[nv]

Well... I am feeling better... still sick, but definitely feeling better.
I also have a split lip, that sucks, especially since I've been on the seaweed diet for the last 36 hours- no such diet (that I know of), but I haven't eaten much besides that.... Fansong is my hookup for all my seaweed needs; it's funny seeing silly Americans sample the stuff and gag, oh my, 'tis funny to watch.

School is going so-so; I am busy as a beaver as it is and... well... I am 2x busy as a beaver - 1x = life and 1x=school...

I met with my site supervisor from YoungLife this evening; sigh... He is such a wonderful guy who has great insights to life and is very instrumental in my life. Though he did label me as mad/wounded/pissed, he was right in the terminology... I am open to him about my life and he is with his life in some ways as well... God has blessed me with a great site supervisor and a great practicum for YouthMin.

back to school,
chao!

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]