Looking back retrospectively from an introspective lens: Living for Christ, Dying for Christ and me.

I was thinking about this before I went to bed, and all I can do is thank God I didn't dwell on it TOO much because I easily could.
I'm a very introspective extroverted person and sometimes I'm not good at quick draw, think-on-your-feet scenarios, but I am getting better at it. This being said, the following thoughts come from introspective thinking, they're not something I copied and pasted in a deadline rush, they've been marinating in my head for a while...

I recall my younger years, particularly around the age of 16 of 17, a great deal of my reading material at that time were the books Jesus Freak 1 & 2, kind of a modern easier-to-read Fox's Book of Martyrs. As I read the book I was inspired, but in some freaky self-centered way I was inspired for the wrong reasons...





The allure of DYING for Christ was something that was on my mind most of the time. It wasn't a "how cool would it be to be burned out the stake while singing Psalms to God" kinda thing, but in all honesty it was in some ways.
I thought about how my death might influence others to live for Christ, how maybe it would be something that would get a lot of press and so wherever I was when I was martyred would be changed on a national level, and yet...
All of my reasons were about ME and not about God, they were about how I could reap the benefits of martyrdom post mortem, it was more about my glory instead of God's.

I rationalize that it my mindset then was screwy, I was depressed and felt lonely and that no one could relate to me or what I was going on in my family (I found out that wasn't so, but at the time it felt like it was Me VS. The World). I look back at my writings of them and it is almost like a Christianese suicide letter which freaks me out even though I still write dark and haunting things, but that's because I was trying to DIE for Christ then and now I am LIVING for Christ.

Another facet to all of this is that I wanted to take the easy way out, dying for Christ is easier than living for Christ. Sometimes living for Christ IS dying for Christ, but for us who aren't exposed to persecution on a day-to-day basis, we really can't grasp getting killed for our faith. Those people who are going through persecution are living for Christ but they are aware that death might very much be a possibility in their walk with God, they live for Him and they're reading to die for Him, but for the rest of us our mindsets aren't there.

Living for Christ takes time, being in community with other believers, growing in God's word, talking to him aka Prayer, etc... It's a lot of "work" but it is work we shouldn't view as such, they are tasks that we should be and do willingly and we should take what we know and share it with others.

Living for Christ isn't something that has a deadline, a "to be done by *insert date here" event, it is an ongoing process because there is always something to be learned or relearned, it's awesome! I love to learn and this past summer has been a time of much learning of spiritual practices and such, I'm moving forward in my living for Christ, I was feeling like a stunted plant for the longest time ;) But I am growing and I am seeing some fruit grow :)

Living for Christ is for us who have Christ living within us! Let us keep on running this race that is before us, step by step, till we cross the finish line.

Nostalgia can be a pain in the ass sometimes...

The other day I decided to go traipsing in my neighborhood down by the tracks, with my headphones on with Thousand Foot Krutch and Mute Math's new tunes blaring, I was having a pretty good time.

I like walking along the tracks, which are rarely used at all and even rarer are they used on the weekend, it's an interesting way to get around. Anyway, I was just minding my own business when I decided to cut back to my house. From the tracks to where I was and to the way back to my house wasn't far, but on my way back to my house I did notice something that brought back memories:








"Free Concord Grapes", 6 boxes full of this delicious fruit, free for the taking...good times. After I sampled a bunch or two, nostaligia kicked in and it kicked my ass.

At the house I lived at before the one I'm at now we used to have a sizeable backyard for us 4 kids to have fun in, and at the end of our backyard was, you guessed it, concord grape vines and grapes. Whether it was just running back and forth, picking pussywillow buds in the spring, playing in the sandbox, drinking alcohol with one of my sisters...all these memories and more came flooding back to me.

I miss my old house, but actually I miss my younger self; when I was naive to what was happening to my family, when I was full of childlike wonder and mystery, when my grandfather Eddy whom I still miss was alive... It was also in that time a lot of shit hit the fan that was unbeknownst to me, a lot of bad occurred and I was unaware of it all, I guess I was too young to actually grasp what was happening in and to my family.
I DO thank God for all the memories I have been able to retain over the years, who knows I might take on the role of the family historian someday (I do love history).
Nostalgia's a pain in the ass because how memories work; we don't have single memories, so much of what we remember is tied to some other memory which is tied to another memory and soforth...

All this to say that I am glad for the times God gave me back then and the times he's giving me now, but sometimes I just wish I could retain the good without the bad.

[n][v]

P.S. I was looking up the origin of the word "Nostalgia" and it is a word that actually comes from a Greek and Homeric compounded word. There's nóstos which means returning home and álgos which refers to pain or ache, so Nostalgia's the ache or pain of returning home. Just a little tidbit on that word's origin, I dig it.

Aggressive much? Passive-Aggressive not so much?

I think when I was born I didn't come out like other babies did; in place of just coming out of my mother's womb I am sure I was aggressive even then and so I probably punched my way out, heck I might have even been the one to tie my own umblical cord.

Hi, my name is Nathanael, I'm aggressive much and passive-aggressive...not so much.

Lately my aggressive nature has gotten me in "trouble", I say trouble with quotes because it wasn't really trouble, but more like me speaking out in truth (albeit without love) on some things that are going on within my household, and as a result my father has verbally shat all over me, great imagery right?

I aimed to keep my cool, but once he started giving me the "but...but" answers, I had enough, stop shifting the blame off of yourself and on to me! If you're at fault and you know it, grow some balls and admit it!
It hurts my heart and my mind to be the one picked on, even at my age of 25 I can't take it when people are being picked or even I'm the one who's being picked on. I cannot let laying dogs lie, especially if they've been there rotting away on the ground for a while now.

So why does it seem like I am airing my dirty laundry online and not real life with others? Well I have and those who do know my plight have been kind, loving and supporting. I say it here as well because it is stuff that is bottled up inside of me STILL, and while I don't see a counselor, writing is about as helpful as it gets for me (outside of praying and pouring my heart out to God on all this).

I recognize that if I were Passive-Aggressive in my trials and tribulations, ALL of this would be gone, I wouldn't have to deal with a father who only opens his mouth to bring me down, who treats me less than human at times, et al.
If I shut up and let what happens in my house happen, then maybe he and I would "get along", because no conflict and no strife equals no problems, right? WRONG!

Yet through all these rocky times that I have gone through and am going through, I am trusting in God and praying for it to end. Maybe it won't end while I'm still here, maybe the restoring power of God will happen when I'm long gone out of this house, and I do pray that God willing it will happen in such a timeframe! I also pray for him, as much as I want Romans 12:21 to send shapnel into him, I pray to God that even if I don't love the guy, that I will still try to return evil with good, to OVERCOME evil with good :)
It does me well to pray to my Father God, He hears me and he knows me through and through. He knows I will speak out on behalf of the enjustices I see in the world around me, perhaps this is training ground for harsher conditions? God only knows, and I trust Him for those times if they come but also now time.

I will not be quiet, I will not become Passive-Aggressive. Even though it costs me dearly, it would cost me more if I just let things go (that shouldn't be let go) in silence.

I love talking to strangers: Ezra

While I was in Chicago the other day, I was just chilling on a picnic bench near "The Bean". I could have taken photographs, but it was more interesting to people watch:

- I spied 4 different wedding groups
- I listened in on 5 different foreign language conversations
- I saw people who had better cameras than my own, and I cried (jk)
- I saw little kids being hugged by grandparents
- I saw people of many different nations gathered...

Anyway, I watched and listened on, and then I met Ezra.

Ezra was the guy who was sitting across from where I was at, in a moment of spontaneity and curiousity, I asked the guy (Ezra) across from me how he was doing. Ezra was loud from the getgo! He shared how he was fine and how nice it was in Chicago. I agreed with him and then we started making jokes about the wedding groups we were watching, we both wanted the brides to toss us their bouquets instead of the garter belts, just casual and amusing jokes like that.
Ezra then went into detail about his name, how Ezra was a minor prophet from the Old Testament and pretty much every other aspect about Ezra! "Wow" I kept thinking to myself "he knows it well!" I'm not sure if his knowledge of the Bible was head knowledge or heart knowledge, but God knows where he's at nonetheless.
I started talking to him about my recent travels down to Nashville, he seemed interested more about my journey there than actually what I did there. He went off on a tangent about Georgia and out of nowhere he just started belting out "Georgia on my mind" by Ray Charles...this, among other verbal loudness made people move away from him and I, but still I stuck with him and conversed with him.

When I had to go I wished him a good day, he gripped my hand tightly and gave it a good shake, and off I went and Ezra went back to watching people at The Bean. All in all, I enjoyed my conversation with a stranger.

***

We're all strangers from the getgo, but when we cross the bridge of relationships, the move from stranger to friend occurs. I enjoy being intentional/relational with those around me, not just friends but strangers and given invested time those strangers become friends to me :)