As I worked today I was listening to a few podcasts from xxxchurch. In case you don't know what xxxchurch is, it is a ministry that ministers unto porn stars, former porn stars, people addicted to pornography -- simply put, they're a ministry that is involved with pornography in a way that hasn't been approached by the Church...
Anyway, so I was listening to one podcast that was about a recently out of the porn business, it was a quasi-interview, the how's and the why's were tossed around; why did you enter, why did you leave... stuff like that. So the woman who left the porn business was talking about her desperate nature -- to leave the porn business and to get reconnected with God, she in her youth learned about God and it was a part of her life (even when she was in the porn business she felt God calling her out from it). She said that where she was and what was going on, Desperate is a good place to be, and that struck me, it struck me hard.
I have been desperate at times, where I feel like I'm clawing for my survival, clawing my to the top, clawing my way out. Getting to a point where rock bottom is very present, I've been that desperate.
There have been two times in my life where I tried to end *ahem* the problems once and for all, I need not spell it out, but yes, there was a time in my life where I felt desperate and death seemed like the answer to the crap that took place in my life and my surroundings. I no longer have that mindset, God has given me a reason to live, a better reason than the one I had when I was younger.
DESPERATE is what I still am in some ways; I am desperate and longing to be closer to God in my walk. I do feel His presence (especially outdoorsy scenarios), but I want to walk out on faith, not a limb, with what I want to do in this life, what I want to do with this life.
I'm desperate to change and for change -- as I prepare to marry Chrissy in less than 2 years, I need to make some reparations of the past and the future as well, most importantly I need to end a 4 generation old problem.
***
In all,
Desperate (for God) is a good place to be,
I want to depend on God with all of who I am.
[nv]
Anyway, so I was listening to one podcast that was about a recently out of the porn business, it was a quasi-interview, the how's and the why's were tossed around; why did you enter, why did you leave... stuff like that. So the woman who left the porn business was talking about her desperate nature -- to leave the porn business and to get reconnected with God, she in her youth learned about God and it was a part of her life (even when she was in the porn business she felt God calling her out from it). She said that where she was and what was going on, Desperate is a good place to be, and that struck me, it struck me hard.
I have been desperate at times, where I feel like I'm clawing for my survival, clawing my to the top, clawing my way out. Getting to a point where rock bottom is very present, I've been that desperate.
There have been two times in my life where I tried to end *ahem* the problems once and for all, I need not spell it out, but yes, there was a time in my life where I felt desperate and death seemed like the answer to the crap that took place in my life and my surroundings. I no longer have that mindset, God has given me a reason to live, a better reason than the one I had when I was younger.
DESPERATE is what I still am in some ways; I am desperate and longing to be closer to God in my walk. I do feel His presence (especially outdoorsy scenarios), but I want to walk out on faith, not a limb, with what I want to do in this life, what I want to do with this life.
I'm desperate to change and for change -- as I prepare to marry Chrissy in less than 2 years, I need to make some reparations of the past and the future as well, most importantly I need to end a 4 generation old problem.
***
In all,
Desperate (for God) is a good place to be,
I want to depend on God with all of who I am.
[nv]
1 comments:
The saying sounded good, but something about it bothers me, so I looked up "desperate" in an online dictionary:
des·per·ate(dspr-t)
adj.
1. Having lost all hope; despairing.
2. Marked by, arising from, or showing despair: the desperate look of hunger; a desperate cry for help.
3. Reckless or violent because of despair: a desperate criminal.
4. Undertaken out of extreme urgency or as a last resort: a desperate attempt to save the family business.
5. Nearly hopeless; critical: a desperate illness; a desperate situation.
6. Suffering or driven by great need or distress: desperate for recognition.
7. Extremely intense: felt a desperate urge to tell the truth.
It can't be definition 1 that's a good place to be. Despair, the total lack of hope, puts a person at unresolvable enmity with God who, at the very least, should be everyone's hope, no matter what. Despair is what drives people to suicide. But what do they think they're escaping to? Giving up one hope do they accept another? The hope that maybe there isn't a God, a heaven and hell, after all? I've toyed with this a little in my mid twenty-somethings.
I would say definition 2 is what the woman is calling a good place to be, and if so, I think I might agree. When it hurts so bad you just have to cry out, "Help me, Lord!" Hmm, well, actually, that's where I am now and have been for a while. When I come to the verse in Psalm 119 that says, "Save me, I'm yours!" I really pray that one hard! And I remember that Martin Luther, in his youthful despair, was encouraged to pray this verse by his father confessor, "Jesus, I am yours, save me!" So, I guess this is where I probably should stop commenting.
I have been at the place described by definitions 3 and 4. I would call neither of these "good".
Definitions 5 and 6 just don't enter my realm of possible thinking, so no comment.
And yes, I've been desperate in the sense of definition 7, though I don't think desperate really should be used this way. I don't know how to describe it. Driven, maybe?
That's about it, brother. I hope things are going well with you. Praying hard and at erratic intervals, I salute you.
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