song lyrics...

When Worlds Collide

Stay my love
Here in my arms
Let me say
I love you

Then sleep a while
Dream your dreams
Soon I will take you far away
From where the night threatens the day and

Worlds collide
I'm on your side
When worlds collide
I'm on your side
See my face
Hear my voice
I am real
And you are mine

When shadows fall
When lovers mourn
And you fight your darkest tendencies
I promise to hold you close to me when

Until we're together, beyond other worlds
And you're free from the pain and fear
I'll place this light in your heart
If you'll keep it burning
While this world is turning,
Soon it will banish the dark

Words and Music by Terry Taylor
©1984 Twitchen Vibes Music (ASCAP)

This song makes me feel warm on the inside; like i am in the centre of a hug from my heavenly father... how i long for a hug of this magnitude...i want a relationship of this magnitude...GOD, help me to find her, i am waiting on your time, but i am impatient sometimes in regards to this... help me be patient and to dwell on your time in regards to her.
:::nv:::

a dream i had last night...

it went like this;
i met this girl on campus and we started talking about authenticity, vulnerability and intimacy in a relationship. it was a conversation that lasted four hours, but after that we realized that we wanted to go out as a couple. i didn't go out with her then and there, because i was off to younglife geneva for my practicum... as i was leaving, an airplane slammed into lidner centre and burned the building to the ground...

the after effects of this were the following;
1) she died...:*(
2) all the youthmin majors died
3) all the youthmin professors died

and so i had to transfer to another school to finish my youthmin degree...

what a horrible dream!
*nv*

Daddy, by Sylvia Plath

You do not do, you do not do
Any more, black shoe
In which I have lived like a foot
For thirty years, poor and white,
Barely daring to breathe or Achoo.

Daddy, I have had to kill you.
You died before I had time---
Marble-heavy, a bag full of God,
Ghastly statue with one grey toe
Big as a Frisco seal

And a head in the freakish Atlantic
Where it pours bean green over blue
In the waters off beautiful Nauset.
I used to pray to recover you.
Ach, du.

In the German tongue, in the Polish town
Scraped flat by the roller
Of wars, wars, wars.
But the name of the town is common.
My Polack friend

Says there are a dozen or two.
So I never could tell where you
Put your foot, your root,
I never could talk to you.
The tongue stuck in my jaw.

It stuck in a barb wire snare.
Ich, ich, ich, ich,
I could hardly speak.
I thought every German was you.
And the language obscene

An engine, an engine
Chuffing me off like a Jew.
A Jew to Dachau, Auschwitz, Belsen.
I began to talk like a Jew.
I think I may well be a Jew.

The snows of the Tyrol, the clear beer of Vienna
Are not very pure or true.
With my gypsy ancestress and my weird luck
And my Taroc pack and my Taroc pack
I may be a bit of a Jew.

I have always been scared of *you*,
With your Luftwaffe, your gobbledygoo.
And your neat mustache
And your Aryan eye, bright blue.
Panzer-man, panzer-man, O You---

Not God but a swastika
So black no sky could squeak through.
Every woman adores a Fascist,
The boot in the face, the brute
Brute heart of a brute like you.

You stand at the blackboard, daddy,
In the picture I have of you,
A cleft in your chin instead of your foot
But no less a devil for that, no not
Any less the black man who

Bit my pretty red heart in two.
I was ten when they buried you.
At twenty I tried to die
And get back, back, back to you.
I thought even the bones would do.

But they pulled me out of the sack,
And they stuck me together with glue.
And then I knew what to do.
I made a model of you,
A man in black with a Meinkampf look

And a love of the rack and the screw.
And I said I do, I do.
So daddy, I'm finally through.
The black telephone's off at the root,
The voices just can't worm through.

If I've killed one man, I've killed two---
The vampire who said he was you
and drank my blood for a year,
Seven years, if you want to know.
Daddy, you can lie back now.

There's a stake in your fat, black heart
And the villagers never liked you.
They are dancing and stamping on you.
They always *knew* it was you.
Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I'm through.

this is the last poem i read,
driving up to wisconsin i read this...
it's not about my father,
but i hear the frustration in Plath's poetic voice
which is similar to mine in some regards...

another flowy thought...

:)

***nv***

one of those moments...

sometimes when i write and have a thought that flows
iliketoputitalltogether
which is putting the thought in a way i find flowy; don't put any spaces, add another line, but no spaces...
here's an example of one flowy thought of mine.

as it has always been,
iamlovedbymyfatherinheaven
which leaves me in
a sense of awe and amazement
i...i sometimes cry out my thanks to GOD
for loving me so much...
hisloveformeisverystrong
and sometimes i need to hear that
iloveyou...forwhoyouarereally
iacceptyou...forwhoyouarereally
:)
<3
***nv***

untitled/random poem...

asleep?

awake?

i don't know which is which...

i walk comatose

through the hallways

past the people i've only known since the semester began...

i say my hi's even though it's a mechanical gesture of humanity; for me, at least at this time.

authenticity-

grrr...how i want to be

how i am becoming that, but,

i see the wolves

among the sheep

and all they crave

is the blood of those who have less strength than they do...

blood,

odd thing,

it flows within me

it flows out of me

sad

but

true.

finals!

FINALS!

one week away

and so much work left to be done,

but,

when they're over...

break out the champagne

i want a drink...really!

not to get wasted,

but...to slow down a little bit

and perhaps some food

to go with the alcohol

and then

sleep...

wake me

up in

24 hours

unless

i wake

myself

up before that

[nv]

various thanksgiving pics...

*that's all folks!*
***nv***

new poetry...

i am writing more poetry; the handwritten sort...
um, it's something i do to relieve the pain of...life and other things;

poetry is my therapy

and

my therapy is poetry

nothing else can be said

about my writing about

poetry, except...lately it

has gotten darker...

i still write about friends

in poems, but...GOD knows

the pains i write out to him

by way of poetry...

{nv}

very odd...recruiters in lower commons...

ARMY recruiters...that is.

i find it kind of odd that they're trying to get people to join,

people from judson,

but...i am sure some people would be up for it,

i am not that sort and so...i won't be joining the army.

ain't

ready

4

marines

yet

army (minus the 4) as defined by the marines,

or at least the zombie, no-brained marines i know.
this doesn't include *M* however...

i am really going to miss that girl,

i want to say my farewells, but...

how do you say farewell to the one you've wanted to have more than a friendship with?
*nv*

thanksgiving 'break' - a summary...

though it started off badly,

aka the first two days which were crappy...in which i could use a stronger word to describe it, but i am not that kind of person, really.

after we got out to wisconsin to visit the relatives, it was rather good...

i <3>

*even though i had other options...good friends!*
my cousins *f* *j* and *c* and i had a blast doing various things;

hiking

playing video games

watching movies

playing pool

etc.

i only went because of them and my direct family;

my other relatives...*sigh*
i am not going to express how i view them,

but...it's not a good thing to talk behind other people's backs, so i'll leave it at that.

though i am not a dog person,

they had some 3 month old golden retrievers!

so cute...and so hyper!

i'd like a dog that would stay a puppy forever,

minus the bladder control and endless energy...

it was a good break,

but alas... i am back in school and soon finals!

but then,

back to break!

which includes these 3 highlights in no particular order;

seeing fallout boy with *C* and some other peoples

my sister comes home from spain, yea!

and

seeing Chronicles of Narnia; the lion, the witch and the wardrobe...

good times await me and those i love and care for!
(nv)

frightening...home, that is...

well...i am one who has seen the spiritual side; angels, demons and other such things...
and all i can say is,
darker than shadows
and
beneath the darkness-
such things still are seen and felt by me, when i go home.

satan still dwells within my home,
i feel his presence...and it is not a good one.
i found myself vulnerable to my old habits, those which are bad.
how cold my house feels because of it...

it is something that i see and feel,
oh, the things i could tell you...
***nv***

back from thanksgiving 'break'

it was good
and
i have some photos,
but...
i am tired
and
i have work
that needs to
be done
and i must get back to it.

p.s. i added 10 friends to my myspace.com over the break; people i really know!

ha! ethnicity is not a pick-up line

sometimes you need a second opinion... talking to *J* from Psych. today; he thinks by sharing with someone that your ethnic background is the same is a pick-up line... i disagreed and went to *M* about it.

she thinks it would be cool to hear about someone who has the same ethnic background as someone else. she does not think it is a pick-up line and for that, *J* doesn't know what he's talking about!

ethnicity is not a pick-up line

so i am in the clear with *Y*; if she has guff still, i can only forgive her and not take her evil stares to heart...

thanks *M*!
{nv}

where the road ends...a poem.

*where the road ends*
i want to be the friend
who will walk to where the road ends,
i walk along and at your side
wherever it leads, i will go the distance
regardless of time, money, etc...
i want to travel along with you
as a friend.
so here we are as friends
let us walk to where the road ends..

how i want to give you this ring,
alas... i haven't a ring to give to the girl i haven't met...

it is sad, sometimes...
to dream and drift into oblivion over things like this.
but
GOD
hears
my prayers
and the countless tears
through the years...
about getting married
becoming a father
and so much more...

i pray...and it helps me see what could be someday when i am free.

i robot...

pieces of this man machine lay shattered on the ground... how i wish you were here, the person yet to be found...
i am praying for you daily, is this a wrong thing? to pray and hope for the girl who'll be the song that you sing?
lonely...lonely is what i feel,
sadness...sadness is what i feel,
GOD, end this bitter cycle of singlehood
i trust in you to see me through
to see you
bring her
into my life...
her heart is there,
and mine is getting there...in time.

i want to go CHRISTian gothic for a day...at least 1 day!

black lip stick...


black nail polish...


black eye shadow...


why would i do this?
it's a combination of why not? and i want to be externally CHRISTian Goth for once...

Christian Goths do exist... i have known about this 'denomination' for sometime now and i just want to dress the part. i am internally a CHRISTian Goth, but not externally...

Christian Goth Dot Com
Christian Goth Links

p.s. what should i wear...clothes wise? i have doc martins, but...?

...a poem...

*this stems from an incident that occured this evening*

she stared at me with an evil eye

i looked back and thought why?

all i ever said was i was Lithuanian...

it was a look of hate

if you saw it you'd feel irate

from *Y* from Lithuania.

it was not a pick-up line

this isn't a method of mine

and not because i am Lithuanian.

i was talking to *M*

good conversation until then

the eyes of *Y* tried to burn

what could i do? where could i turn?

i am proud of my ethnicity

but why was she upset like this to me?

i didn't do anything wrong

and yet the fat woman finished her song

and i can't finish this because it's too long.

thanksgiving is almost here...yea!

though not much of a break... thanksgiving is almost here. my time will be spent with my family in wisconsin, i hope two things;
1) that we have a good time.
2) i am productive with the final paper for youthmin.

i am sure i will have a good time, but i hope that i get a lot done in regards to the paper...

that's all i have to say...for now.
{nv}

what i've been listening to lately...

this was a free demo given away by Toyota Scion at the Chicago Auto Show '04 and... i love it.
i usually play trax 11 to 18 and then repeat...

it's a good mix; kind of funky how they can blend the faint with some king britt - go figure, but they do it well.

going to the auto show is a tradition-in-the-making; i have done it with the family and/or friends for 4-5 years now. in the spring i will be going with some guys from judson (insert napoleon d. yesssss) so, yeah. good times!

chao! i wanna watch a movie!
or do homework or...nah, i'll stick with those two options.
{nv}

crane soaring these burgundy skies...a poem.

from the majestic heights

he flew...

not knowing the pain that the skies bore.

the skies seemed to be melancholic

the rain that fell seemed like tears,

and still

he flew...

unknowing

and

unaware

of the pain that was below.

the crane flew

and flew until...

he came out

of the sky

and landed

on the

sad,

tired,

ground.

and so...the crane realized what pain existed here on the ground

and he cried for what he did not know.

oh for the bloody tears i've shed...a poem.

oh the bloody tears...
how i shed them from shreds of my human heart...
how the pain of the past slices my internals like a crooked knife to the gut.
GOD...
help me...
i fall asleep; awake and aware of what turns and burns this world over...
the pain...
of the innocent....
how i feel what stirs beneath the surface;
of death...
of life...
and everything in between.
how
i
want
to
get
over
it
all
---
alas...this is the thorn in my side,
the thorn that may never be removed.
regardless...GOD still remains good and true,
i will let him have all my bloody tears-
that which i have wept and those i have yet to shed.
{nv}

firsts i am saving...

i am saving some firsts...

first kiss (at the altar with my wifey-to-be)

first sex (again with my wifey-to-be)

first dance (on our wedding night)

etc...

stuff like this

i am saving

for her

and her alone...

*n-v*

randomness...the 3 best things i've gotten in my Cpo this semester

3.) Random wonderful things from *C* - i was meaning to send her something, but at this time i've been rather busy... it was so delightful to get a package; too bad some disgruntled postal workers/ex soccer players decided to play soccer in the rain with it! or so it seem upon receiving it... it was an awesome gesture of friendship and i wish i spent sometime doing likewise...

2.) The couple of things i received from home by way of family; they didn't send me much, but i did enjoy getting the various cards of encouragement from my mum.

1.) A postcard i recently received from my sister who is in spain at this time. she's coming back soon after my semester is over...which is almost over! craziness! we grew close while we went to WaWa; "my equaled half" as some people called her, eh... i don't know about equaled half, but we're close...'nuff said!

*nv*

snow...here today, gone tomorrow...

Well... it has already snowed... but it is gone again, yea! i don't like snow, but i took some pics of it while it lasted. i was going to show *M*'s stepmother a photo of the snow coming down and say "look! orbs!" that... would have gotten her very angry, because i am the one who decided to step into her "are ghosts real?" discussion/arguement...

i did not show her the photo, for *M*'s sake.

well, snow is like anything else that is earthly; it lasts for a very short time and then it is gone, so... enjoy it while ya have it and thank GOD for the time enjoying it...

chao!
{nv}

don't worry about the government...

...or so says the song by The Talking Heads...

it's a nice song,

a commune/family/community thing;

it is kind of an odd thing, but it makes me think of Heaven.

i think

that it is a metaphor

to all the things to come

and

to those i will see when i too go home some day
:)

i think about those i've known who've gone home

i think about those i have yet to meet there...

i

can

wait

but

i...

i don't know what else to say

except that i am thankful to

GOD for all my friends, family, enemies and everyone else;

i thank GOD for the good times but also the bad times

that has brought me closer to him... life is full of trials and i've had my share

and certainly more to come, but everytime i go through the fire, GOD goes with me...

*i-consider-the-ones-i-call-my-family*
(even though some of my family members are the unrelated sort!)

{nv}

i think...a poem.

i think...

i know where i'd be if i was not a CHRISTian;

a life apart from GOD, i think i know where i'd be...

sad to think that way,

but i do and what the hey,

how often we live and strive

and then we recollect our other life...

GOD's grace is better than saving face.

i

don't

think,

i know

where i'd be...
if GOD didn't save me...

*thanks GOD!*
:)
<3

guard your time...a poem.

years seem like months

months seem like weeks

weeks seem like days...

days are coming to an end.

time;

how fleeting,

how precious,

how wonderful...

they are a gift from GOD

and

we should

recognize

that they

are fleeting

and soon,

it'll all be gone...

blood upon the hands...a poem.

crimson stain,
burgundy hue,
blood...how it stains the hands.
of the innocent?
of the guilty?
only GOD knows for certain
who bears the bloody hands...

was it something i said?
was it something i did or didn't do?
i...
i wear the bloody hands,
for i am the guilty party...

the blood that stains my hands
is the blood of those i have passed by;
silent,
apathetic,
i pass...

how i want the blood removed!
and,
by GOD's grace,
the blood is removed with more blood...

okay...

so here's to the Anonymous posts on my blog...

i am not whining about my father,

or my situation in regards to him.

i am just stating that in more ways than one, i am closer to my Heavenly father than my Earthly father...

sure, i have my guff against him, but i am not here to rant/rave about the crappy things i've experienced in life... i do rant/rave about current things, but not things that ultimately destroys someone else - i.e. my father, for example.

i do honour my father and mother,

but honestly, not enough...

yet i question you Anonymous posters...

do-you-know-the-real-me-?

if you were more than a passing shadow, i might consider more of you,

but... do you know me???
what can you say to that?

++nv++

i may be deemed weird...

so be it...

but when i have a pissed off evening and a better tomorrow

i can only attribute it to GOD.

GOD is not some distant guy who sits in the clouds

and smites away people with a twinkle of mischief in his eye;

he is my father,

the closest thing to a daddy nowadays...

i am in awe;

jaw-dropped awe for what he does to my life,

i was so pissed off last night

and

with the advice of a few dormmates, some prayer, some internal work of the Holy Spirit and GOD... i am good and i feel good.

this seems weird,

i know,

but GOD has a knack at taking the tragedies in my life and making them into triumphs.

*i-don't-mind-being-called-weird*
'''nv'''

the i of the storm is no more...

as of last night,

i feel and am better...

i turned to the wise counsel of Jeff and John;

two dormmates of the same major...

they gave me sound advice

which i listened to and then applied,

before i went to bed i prayed to GOD

and asked him to remove the feelings i had in regards to what i found out.

i

had

a

great

night

sleep!

GOD

was good

and helped me out

i am thankful to him

and to Jeff and John.

i of the storm...gone.

the pain of last night is...gone

the bile in my soul is...gone.

GOD, i thank you;

thank you for Jeff
thank you for John,

their sound advice i listened to and applied.

i feel better because of them,

i am better because of them.

:)
<3

{nv}

bad day's end, bad poem...

i write from a heavy heart;

apparently, 75% of my peers in YouthMin have BS'ed their logs...

this bothers me because i am turning in mine late

and incomplete (2 out of 5).

i write because i am feeling a pain of betrayal and "why?"

it is a feeling that i surmise as being impaled alive in which you breathe through fractured lungs and every time you inhale and exhale you spit out a mouthful of blood... not a pretty picture, but so i feel.

here's the poem.

*i of the storm*

Nothing like the victims of Katrina

can express how my emotions turn and burn

with my coarse flesh and vile blood.

the i of the storm;

how it churns,

how it burns,

my flesh lies steel grey,

who can help me out of this wretched pit

that i am in?

i am Job;

all i have is tossed to the wind,

i am stripped of everything that i hold dear

all is for naught, except for GOD.

He sustains me,

He gives breath to this hollow shell

i will go on,

but only by His strength.

but the i of the storm grows stronger

who knows how bad it will be,

except for GOD...
(in regards to who knows how bad it will be.)

school work REALLY calls!

but before i do that, i must post these...


they are so true!


yikes!
i must get busy or...
face the consequences!
***nv***

gah...it has snowed!

yeah,

it has snowed, a little...

but in that little amount

i
hate

it

with a passion...

i was thinking of my relatives in Florida,

and then...i felt bad because they have nice weather

=

no snow.

*M* would join me in Florida,

maybe even *J*

that would be fun...

no school

no homework

and

Florida.

*gah*

it is sooo cold

and

i am a big baby when it comes to the cold;

i write about how snow = death

and i wrote a song once,

"satan makes the snow, Jesus makes the sunshine"

it was #1 on MTV Beijing and Russia,

most of the money i put into savings bonds and stock,

stuff for the kids, etc.

i

am

dreaming

of

summer

without

the

sleep

part

to

accompany

it

.

___nv___

grrr...november 28th

i just read my friends blog

*the one who's going off to bootcamp to be a Marine*

and originally

she was being shipped out Dec. 12th...

something happened

and now she'll be shipped out Nov. 28th!

i

am

ANGRY!

...but more than that, i am sad.
:*(

i wanted to say my farewells in a normal setting,

but since that's a school day, i may have to race over to say farewell...

GOD,

help me,

this is troubling me greatly;

i wanted to say farewell,

but not like this...
:*(

{nv}

a poem...

playing cars with Cole,

in the dark...

this one is his,

this one is mine-

how funny,

how sweet,

this young lad is.

*sigh*

i dream of my wife to be

i dream of my kids to be

and yet...

i wait upon GOD for such things,

but while i wait,

i play with cars with Cole in the dark;
how
he
sparks
something

in
me
to
be
the
father
i
never
i
experienced
.
.
.

rainy day blues...

*sigh*
i do not feel good...i feel like i am getting sick or already am without realizing it...
i woke up later than i usually do (1st sign) and i didn't feel hungry or productive (2nd sign) and my stomach hasn't got butterflies within it, but rather a flock of geese (3rd sign).
it aches and i don't know if i should sleep or eat, the latter i am worried i may puke up what i try to put down... :(
i hate getting sick, but not knowing how your internals are doing bites...
i'll eat something...later...i hope it stays down,
and for whatever i have... i pray it goes away ASAP...
===nv===

Let's love...from my friend's blog...

from my friend *N*/*S*

very good, wouldn't you agree?

[nv]

subtle musings continued...

i realize that school is important, and yet...

when will i realize that life is not fair?
and in regards to that,
needs; i have them, but others need more than i,
things; i have them, i have too many of them!

troubles; my troubles are not out of GOD's hands,
other things - i want to be a revolutionary.

because; i want to live out my life in light of
eternity; doing what i can here before i go home.

and...for this and other things, i want to be different

for all that i want to do and be
all i really want to do and be is to serve GOD;
to serve and apply 1 Corinthians 13,
helping others out of LOVE and not just to do them,
even when all seems hopeless, i
remember that if GOD is for me, who can be against me?

{nv}

subtle musings...

how often i speak without thinking,
often when this occurs, i come out thinking
wow! i should have thought first!

i need to think and speak in synch, not seperately

does this happen to you?
even if it isn't a regular thing, it something to consider,
sometimes i give advice and
i don't even follow what i tell others
remember; advice is a two way street,
everyone needs it and if you give it, you should apply it too.

change; how i am going through so many forms of change.
heart - i am facing my past problems and working towards tomorrow
anger - i still have it, but i plan on using it in a good way!
nightmares - i still have them, but GOD comforts me
girls - i am still looking for her, but until then; friendships!
etc - GOD is helping me out, if you wanna know, ask!
[n]

engrish...*big smile*

some engrish... :)
***nv***