Right now, this is what I'm praying on the inside and outside...
I'm going through some rough waters with my fiancee, it has been little things piling up and now... Now they're big things.
Some of this I could have avoided if I didn't take advantage of her, of us as a couple. It's always the stupid things, it's always the things that aren't trivial (until fought about) that stretch and harm a relationship. I'm going at working on the big things, but I struggle with the small stuff...
...
I was reflecting in chapel today, The 7 Deadly Sins has been the theme of this week, a sin per day and today's was anger, the woman who gave the homily mentioned there's two types of anger. One anger is loud, out there and red-hot the other plays it self out as an internal monologue, it's passive aggressive, it keeps to itself and withdrawls from others and all the while it poisons the soul, it's icy-cold...
My fiancee is a red-hot woman at times, and lately she has been with her anger towards me, it's out there and I know it. I've realized once again that I am an icy-cold angry person, I don't let others on to it (unless whatever is making me angry really gets to me) and it eats away at my mind, my heart, my soul... It ruins perfectly good days for me, it keeps me from having a good time, it keeps me from being real and authentic with those who I consider close friends...
A good friend once told me that my hatred, anger and bitterness is like me taking a poison expecting the other person[s] involved to be the ones wounded. My friend was absolutely right, what I hold against others in anger hurts me instead of the person who I have my anger out towards. This time around I'm not angry at my fiancee, I really don't know how I can take the quirks about her that get under my skin and tell her without coming across as a self-righteous jerk who's using these things as ammo.
Speaking of using hurts and anger as ammunition, I don't want to do that, why? Well in my household that's one of the ways my parents fought and still fight. They collect mental lists of how the other person screwed up and spew them out at each other in fits of rage that are un-freaking-believable, this is one of the things that made my life miserable, to see my parent fight in such horrible ways...
The pain that I am going through with my fiancee is hurts me physical as if it were viseral, it's blood and guts, it hurts me deep as if it were a physical wound. I hate that we're fighting, I hate that I withdraw from her presence when things get messed up, I hate that some of these things could have been avoided, I hate that some of her anger towards me is brought to light when I'm about to go to sleep or when I'm leaving, because then my drive home is me in tears or sleep comes after a long time. I wish there was a way to fight fair, to let all that anger out, to let all the frustrations out without harming the other and self.
I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to be hurt, but sometim
Anger, whether red-hot or icy-hot, wounds, it cuts through the flesh and marrow, it doesn't have any winners, just losers...
1 Corinthians 13:5
good macro photography, mine simply is due to the fact that I'm in the 'face' of what ever I'm taking a photo of, but trying to minimalize my camera's shadow. 
