Well...
It has been a long day;
very good day, but long just the same...
I went to a basketball game at St. Charles East - they won, so...Woot!
I am still sick,
but most of it is in my head-
Head colds suck
and, well, I was very annoying in class(es) today because of my coughs and sneezing fits...*sigh* I want to get better, but...NOW!

I guess I can use my sickness as a metaphor-
Whatever makes us weak has to go through a healing period,
My sickness (Cold) won't last forever, but first I need to get better, get healed.
And while it makes me lose my appetite
and
my joints are stiff and achey,
I will get better in time.

Going on by God's strength alone,
*besides, what other form of strength do I have?*
[n][v]

3 things...

1) New background: In regards to this current one and the last, I have drawn both. Art (drawing) is not my forte, but... Well, I decided to give it a try and here's the end results...

2) My xanga name: NationYell is a nickname from a friend, who for the longest time could not pronounce Na-than-ael, so... he said NationYell. It stuck for that circle of friends and it has trickled out to some other people. I think it fits me in some regards; I want to be more than a voice, I want to be a yell. I want to be someone who sticks up for the little guy... Pardon if it sounds like a political spiel, but I want to make a difference... www.xanga.com/nationyell

3) A Poem:
If this is what you had in mind

If this is what you had in mind,
use it Lord, use it...
Life's road has taken its toll,
but as long as I'm on this road
I am on it with you-
There have been many potholes
there have been many wrong turns,
but...
As I read your map,
I have made a U-Turn
and now...
I am headed in the right direction.
Sure, the road will be long,
and there will be many stops along the way,
but if this what you had in mind,
use me Lord, use me.
[n][v]

My Sanctuary is not defined by a building or some other structure,
My Sanctuary consists of those I trust, those I confide in, those who I share how I am doing...REALLY.

Thank God for Sanctuaries;
refuges from the storm called life,
places in where it is easy to be yourself
and not the persona you hide behind...
*n*v*

Recap of LSD Trip:

It was awesome, but some things took place within me while I was away; I was breaking, I was being torn and worn down, I was in pain (emotionally) and all the while... God was healing me...

One that affected me greatly on the LSD Trip was finding out by way of Bethany that one of the YoungLife girls is going through some hard times, and...well, the hard times this girl is going through- I've been in her shoes on two occasions. I was almost automatically drawn to tears about it, because... I feel the hurt this girl is going through, but also when I went through the same thing, I had no one: The memories of then do not come to the surface often, but just realizing how much Bethany cares about this girl and how we prayed for her... wow, I wish I had leaders of some sort like that way back when...

Some things I pulled away from the weekend
Wrestling with the pain of the past and present:
There is a lot in my life that needs to be healed, I do not want to be fixed, I want to be healed... There are years of tears and scars, and I... I am going through the healing process and so... So I am going through the breaking of bones to rebuild the structure (emotionally). The house is torn down and a new house must be built on the foundation (God).
Koinonia/Sanctuary:
As much as I feel the kindness of those I work with, I finally grasped the depth in which I can go into with them. I have trust issues and there are people I work with that I can tell things that people I've known for a LONG time have no clue on what is going on... I don't mean to exclude, but trust is the keyword.
In regards to sanctuary- I feel secure within God's arms, but I also feel secure with those I work with at YoungLife. How many people can really and earnestly say this? That they are secure and find refuge in a source outside of God?
***Something tells me that this isn't a common thing- But I have found it.

I am still the melancholic,
but...
I am a melancholic who is healing by the grace of GOD
He is all that I need,
He is my all...
[n][v]

Today was good... Still going through the ups and downs that life throws my way, but... God remains good and I am reminded of the following Bible verse.

Philippians 4:13
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

God keeps me going when my strength is depleted, he is the only source of strength I have anyway...

I talked some to one of my professors today; talking to Dr. Sanders was wonderful... I was just talking to him about what's to come in the syllabus in regards to Muslims... It was a great sit/talk/listen time, He's an awesome professor and I respect him on 2 levels: 1) as a Professor, 2) as a man of God... He works/worked with YoungLife, but... Pssh, anyone could do that! Just kidding, It takes people with Mad Skillz to work YoungLife... woot!

...Oh and I am going on an LSD trip this weekend in regards to YoungLife; the double entendres keep on rolling...

Take care and God bless.

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

How I am doing...REALLY.

Honestly and with complete sincerity, I... I am having a rough time.

A lot of my current thoughts have been memories of the past...Memories burned in my existance, memories I wish I didn't have, but alas...Life sucks and so I remember [too much for my own good].

One thing I can say about my memories is that I am glad they're mine...I would not want anyone to go through what I have- 21 years of ups and downs and...By the grace of God I continue on as [close to being normal] I can.

I am also emotionally raw and a tadbit vulnerable,
just because of things...yeah, I don't feel like opening up by way of blog,
But... if you're interested and can handle the heavy stuff I pass on...sure, I'll go into details.

And that is how I am doing,
REALLY!
[n][v]

Love...*sigh*

I don't hate it, yet... some people out here at Judson seem close... Like 'connected-at-the-jugular/vital organ' close... so, I know that you may want to be with your significant other 24/7, but... DON'T! Give him/her a siesta and the rest of us one too!

Another thing...*double sigh*
There seems to be a lot of people who are getting engaged! grr... it bothers me in the sense that when I get married, I hope/pray it won't be during the school semester! Throwing an additional thing such as marriage into the mix during the semester is c-r-a-z-y-! I know you may want to get married to her/him ASAP, but please... slo-o-o-w things down a bit, thanks...

Lastly, to those who are close to someone in a relationship...
You very well may be in love or you are falling in love, but take heed-
DO NOT fall out of love... I see these couples walking around and I think of close to you by the Carpenters...nevermind that, just don't fall out of love. Life sucks as it is with divorces and the various things that affect us, so don't start the trend to deja-vu this thing that leave many of us in pieces...

Thanks for listening/reading this quasi- rant/rave!

p.s. I don't normally listen to MM, but he has a rather good cover of Free Cell's song Tainted Love. Go fig., I like it better than the original!

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.... By faith Enoch was taken up so that he would not see death; and he was not found because God took him up; for he obtained the witness that before his being taken up he was pleasing to God. And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him" (Hebrews 11:1, 5-6 NASB).

Prayers for January 24, 2006 From The Voice of the Martyrs

CHINA (VOM-Canada) Gao Zhisheng, a prominent lawyer who had his legal license suspended by Chinese authorities for representing religious rights, faced an attempt on his life January 17th. China Aid Association reported Gao was traveling in Beijing when a vehicle with an obscured license plate suddenly stopped in front of him. He narrowly missed hitting the vehicle, stopped and got out to investigate. The driver of the other car then attempted to run down Gao, but he was able to dodge out of the path of the vehicle. As the car sped away, the newspaper covering the license plate blew away and the plate number was reported. It is believed the driver was a security agent of the Chinese government. Throughout the incident, a military vehicle was observing nearby. Pray Gao will continue to experience God's protection even though his work angers those in authority. Pray Gao and his friends within the house churches will continue to share Christ with boldness and even share their faith with their persecutors. Pray with confidence for Chinese authorities, knowing God's hand is not shortened that it cannot save. INDIA (VOM-Canada) On January 14th, approximately 40 Hindu militants opposed to a children's home and school being constructed in the Northeastern Indian village of Tikri in Uttaranchal came to the construction site and threatened to kill the workers who were building the new facility. The workers all fled for their lives. Ashish Massey, head of the North India Evangelistic Association (NIEA) funding the project, has also been similarly threatened by the militants. Khumi Massey, a staff member of NIEA, reported some of the local villagers allegedly complained to the activists that the Christians had come to their village to convert them. In a separate incident in West Bengal, the Kolkata Metropolitan Development Authority demolished a church building and orphanage on January 16th, despite on-going legal proceedings. According to Indian Express, the development authority claimed the buildings were impeding a planned road expansion. At the time of its destruction, the orphanage was home to 30 children and 20 women. Pray those who are serving these little ones in the name of the Father will know His protection. Pray the displaced children and women in West Bengal will find housing even better housing than what they had before. Pray God will prove Himself strong on behalf of His children and many Hindus will find joy in Jesus as their Savior. (Compass Direct) Hindu extremists attacked Christians in two incidents in Andhra Pradesh state on January 12th and 13th. Seven Christians, including two pastors, sustained injuries. In Nizamabad district on January 12th, a mob of about 100 extremists attacked a group of Christians led by the pastor of a Pentecostal church as they distributed Christian pamphlets near a bus stand. Police intervened before they could burn the pastor alive. On January 13th, in the same district, members of the Hindu extremist group Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh dragged five people from a 5-year-old girl's birthday party and beat them. Among the victims was Pastor Nagani Swami David, who was kicked unconscious and left at a Hindu temple. Pray God will comfort and heal those who were injured in these attacks. Pray the Christians will forgive their enemies and make Jesus' love known among the Hindus. Pray God will work a miracle of His grace and power to stop these Hindu extremists from any further attacks on Christians. INDONESIA (Compass Direct) Government officials in Bandung, West Java, ordered eight house churches in the Rancaekek Kencana housing complex to cease meeting in private homes starting Sunday January 15th. Each church received the order by letter last Friday the 13th, following a meeting the previous day attended by local government officials, police, the commander of the local military and the leader of a local Muslim forum. Several of the churches in the complex met for worship that Sunday anyway, saying they had no alternative venue. The churches first applied for permits in 1993, but were rejected. Under a ministerial decree issued in 1969, all religious groups must apply for permits-and since neighbors must give their approval before a permit is granted, the decree is a huge obstacle for churches meeting in Muslim majority communities. Pray God will give His strength and courage to these believers as they continue to meet and willingly face the consequences. Pray Christians worldwide will offer fervent prayers to the Lord God on behalf of our brothers and sisters in Indonesia. Pray the Holy Spirit will move in power to bring Muslims to a saving knowledge of Christ. LAOS (Compass Direct) An itinerant evangelist, pastor and father of four children, was brutally murdered in southern Laos the week before Christmas. The body of Aroun Voraphorn was found on December 23rd, abandoned on a jungle road near his home village of Huaysiat. His wife last heard from him on December 18th, when he told her by telephone he would arrive late for his youngest daughter's birthday party as he was buying a birthday cake. Religious motives for the killing cannot be ruled out, as the evangelist had been imprisoned for his faith in 1996. At a funeral service on Christmas Eve, his wife Metta Voraphorn pleaded with Christians in Laos to continue preaching the gospel fearlessly, as her husband had done. Pray God will comfort Vaoraphorn's family with His special peace. Pray the murder of this innocent man will increase the zeal of his Christian friends to spread word of our God of peace. Pray the light of the Holy Spirit will overcome the spiritual darkness in Laos. (Missions Insider) After becoming believers in Christ a few months ago, six families were verbally ordered by the local chief and police of the village to relocate to another village. They were told villagers did not want any Christians living in their village of Nongthorn, Lowngam district, Saravan province. In addition, several Lao Christian leaders and their wives are missing for no apparent reason. They have disappeared with no trace of their whereabouts. Pray God will protect the harassed families and the missing Christian leaders with His strong arm. Pray He will strengthen them to stand fast in the faith. Pray the Lord will guide them and wherever they go their witness will be to His glory. UZBEKISTAN (Compass Direct) Compass Direct reported a program televised regionally in Uzbekistan last summer has left entire communities convinced that a Protestant congregation is an "extremist" group worse than fundamentalist Islam. Entitled "Zalolat" (Disaster), the 22-minute "exposé" sensationalized a police raid last June against the Full Gospel Church in Urgench, capital of Khorezm province in Northwest Uzbekistan. Interspersing scenes from the raid with interviews with local police, judicial and Muslim officials, the program represented Pastor Ruzmet Voisov and his congregation as "Christian extremists" guilty of breaking the laws of Uzbekistan and trying to destroy national stability. Pray as Christians in Uzbekistan live in the light of Christ they will see God defeat the plans of the enemy. Pray moderate Muslims will speak up against the violence of Islamic extremists. Pray God will give many Muslims dreams and visions that will open their hearts and minds to Jesus as their Savior.

Beginnings... take place everyday, sometimes I misunderstand it all.
underneath this mortal coil, I wish to be a revolutionary,
to change... more than myself!

Forgiveness... how easy to give and take,
or as I am learning... It is easy to forgive, but
remembering takes a longer time to longer time to forget.

Humour- I it! Keep it clean, keep it good, oh yeah...
otherwise, I tend to disregard it as true = good humour.
Wit... Keep it good, keep it coming!

laughter - got to have it,
otherwise... Well, you'll have a boring life!
Negativity - there's too much of it out there,
good riddance to being negative.

Life in the midst of those who are
young is sometimes...akward.
I tend to think that I am old(er) than my 21 years,
nix my age...it doesn't matter.
God realizes that age doesn't matter, but sometimes it does to me.

Time...it is running out; when does it end
only God knows the answer to that question.

Maybe...maybe someday life will be better,
Yet the realist side of me says no.
Sometimes I wish I could break the trend,
even when all that is within wants to remain the same.
Love, now that is something I want to pursue (moreso)-
following love where it leads...

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

So not only does Judson not allow drinking, smoking and dancing (GASP!) on campus... But great friend maker sites like www.myspace.com are banned! It is rather absurd and... I don't like it. I will leave it at this, 'cause I could rant/rave like mad, but... It won't do any good, so... that's it.
[n][v]
p.s. I am on Xanga/Blogspot because I like blogging and... Those are 2 of 5-10ish reasons why I am on both sites.

not that I would ever ROCK the boat...*sarcasm, one of love languages, but it depends on whom I share it with (smirk)*

I am planning on getting some tattoos, but my question is this... What is your take on tattoos? For me, I think they're fine as long as there is some message/reason behind it - for me, it will be getting some Bible verses in Greek/Hebrew/English and maybe Japanese... I might get some family photos done as tattoos - so... I love God's word and my family, these are the reasons I'd get those kind of tattoos...

What do you have to say about tattoos/piercings?

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

on my own time... I want to read/learn about the following people:

These men are as follows... from left to right - Dietrich Bonhoffer, Fredrich Buchner and Søren Kirkegaard - Theologians of past and present, men who had plenty of things to say about life, death, Christianity, following Christ and etc. I learned a little about them last semester, but now... Now I want to dig deeper and not read to just read, but to piece together some of my own thoughts/ideas/concepts... It should be fun!

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

This verse is stuck in my mind, and it is something I just smile about...(more internally than externally, but that's just me.)

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Just knowing that God has a plan for me is amazing, but the plans he has are for me to prosper, to give me hope and a future...
The love of God leaves me in awe; I know that he is here for me, it is encouraging to read that from the Bible as well... I come from a long line of leavers - intro. to a song, but it is true in my life, how good it is to know that God will never leave me.

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

when...
why...
***
the pain remains
as does the smile that once graced your face,
but time has passed
and I am left here alone
waiting for the next person I can say I love you to
because...there's a part missing
and that part is you.
***
yesterday glances at me,
like if I was to blame-
I am not,
but sometimes it feels that way...

could this be us?

inspired by a snake and a hampster... living together... as only a snake and a hampster can...

Could this be us?

Could this be us, love?
Could this be us?
Are we sitting side by side,
in peace
and
in silence,
and yet...
I want a change-
drop the emotional act of coyness,
I want the mystery of us to be revealed in daylight
and not kept to ourselves in the shadows...
So why then,
do we hide?
what is it that we fear,
what is it that I fear?
oh love...
stop playing these games on me.
[n][v]

poems...mine, yours and others...

Birches by Robert Frost

When I see birches bend to left and right
Across the lines of straighter darker trees,
I like to think some boy's been swinging them.
But swinging doesn't bend them down to stay.
Ice-storms do that. Often you must have seen them
Loaded with ice a sunny winter morning
After a rain. They click upon themselves
As the breeze rises, and turn many-coloured
As the stir cracks and crazes their enamel.
Soon the sun's warmth makes them shed crystal shells
Shattering and avalanching on the snow-crust
Such heaps of broken glass to sweep away
You'd think the inner dome of heaven had fallen.
They are dragged to the withered bracken by the load,
And they seem not to break; though once they are bowed
So low for long, they never right themselves:
You may see their trunks arching in the woods
Years afterwards, trailing their leaves on the ground,
Like girls on hands and knees that throw their hair
Before them over their heads to dry in the sun.
But I was going to say when Truth broke in
With all her matter-of-fact about the ice-storm,
I should prefer to have some boy bend them
As he went out and in to fetch the cows--
Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,
Whose only play was what he found himself,
Summer or winter, and could play alone.
One by one he subdued his father's trees
By riding them down over and over again
Until he took the stiffness out of them,
And not one but hung limp, not one was left
For him to conquer. He learned all there was
To learn about not launching out too soon
And so not carrying the tree away
Clear to the ground. He always kept his poise
To the top branches, climbing carefully
With the same pains you use to fill a cup
Up to the brim, and even above the brim.
Then he flung outward, feet first, with a swish,
Kicking his way down through the air to the ground.
So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate willfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

Chicago by Carl Sandburg

HOG Butcher for the World,
Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat,
Player with Railroads and the Nation's Freight Handler;
Stormy, husky, brawling,
City of the Big Shoulders:

They tell me you are wicked and I believe them, for I
have seen your painted women under the gas lamps
luring the farm boys.
And they tell me you are crooked and I answer: Yes, it
is true I have seen the gunman kill and go free to
kill again.
And they tell me you are brutal and my reply is: On the
faces of women and children I have seen the marks
of wanton hunger.
And having answered so I turn once more to those who
sneer at this my city, and I give them back the sneer
and say to them:
Come and show me another city with lifted head singing
so proud to be alive and coarse and strong and cunning.
Flinging magnetic curses amid the toil of piling job on
job, here is a tall bold slugger set vivid against the
little soft cities;

Fierce as a dog with tongue lapping for action, cunning
as a savage pitted against the wilderness,
Bareheaded,
Shoveling,
Wrecking,
Planning,
Building, breaking, rebuilding,
Under the smoke, dust all over his mouth, laughing with
white teeth,
Under the terrible burden of destiny laughing as a young
man laughs,
Laughing even as an ignorant fighter laughs who has
never lost a battle,
Bragging and laughing that under his wrist is the pulse.
and under his ribs the heart of the people,
Laughing!
Laughing the stormy, husky, brawling laughter of
Youth, half-naked, sweating, proud to be Hog
Butcher, Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat, Player with
Railroads and Freight Handler to the Nation.

Death lay in the snow... [n][v]

There lay death in the snow,
so white and so cold-
who would have thought death would seem so pleasant to the eye
and yet... It strikes without mercy, it lays in wait for all.
silently,
quietly,
I trod away from this crystalline construct,
how I wait for it to leave,
I was made for summer,
this snow wasn't intended for me.

this cold weather...

This snow.... It is interesting.... Cold weather in general (for me) is a catch 22.

The downlow: I hate it! I really hate snow/cold/ice/Midwest winters in general... For some reason I don't like it, I am born in July, but that isn't why I truly hate the above... When I write poetry, sometimes I allude to snow as death, subtly, but I still make it understandable...

The upside: I fell into Lake Michigan during the winter 3-4 years ago, I fell into the water while on an ice floe and well... I am not affected by cold AS MUCH as I did previously... I still hate it, but... I am Ice Man (or something witty in that catagory).

So...
that's all I have to say about that!
[n][v]

wow...I am on a streak... a poetry streak, that is...*wink*

Getting over what lies in the past is a stuggle,
odds are in my favour, but I still have to get over me...
destroying the archetype of generations past-

is this what was meant to be?
some how, I don't think you wanted it to continue...

getting over the pain and suffering,
only God can take every wound and heal it,
openly (to some) I bear the wounds... visibly.
done... I am done with this deja-vu-esque life...

and yet another...

Time never slowed down for anyone,
healing takes time and even though it takes time, it seems slow-
emotions and healing can be a catch-22.

love... real honest secure accepting love...that is what I lack-
anger... how my anger does not seep to the surface, but lies, waiting...
strength... I am depleted of my strength, how I depend on God's.
tomorrow... is already here, and yet I have much to do.

health - to do what I must do; as a human, but as a Christian first.
emotions - I need to be real, and I need to be real with my emotions.
authentic - how I want to be authentic; to drop the Façade and be me.
remembrances - as painful as the past is, I need old wounds to be healed.
tiredness - how I am tired, not of the physical sort, however...
beginnings - I want to rise from the ashes like a Phoenix, and soar... anew.
energy - what I am lacking, but of the physical side.
admit - not wearing the smile when life sucks, a part of being real...
telelogical - setting down the plans of today, for the future.

more poetry...

Sometimes I wonder how it will be-
a life apart and a life a part,
feeling secure in my emotions,
emotions that run deep in my blood.

it is only one thought, but it is one that persists-
nice...really doesn't cut it, does it?

Heaven... how I can't wait and yet
i can at the same time-
so here is to my future home, and possibly yours too!

and before this world is over-
really or just for me,
may your day be blessed and don't forget to
smile!

ah yes...back to poetry...Corazón and Chutzpah...

wiping the blood off your brow,
wishing that it was me instead...
No one should feel the pain of being abused,
no one should be abused-
Why do we beat those we claim to love
and
shake the hands of strangers?
Let us love,
for God is love
and yet...
we (mankind) are fallen
and we look for answers,
but when we have it we
discard it and seek out
our own personal interests-

This mortal coil is unwinding,
...who knows when my day will set into evening?
Only God knows that one...
and yet...
there is a lot left to do
and it doesn't start today
because today is already gone
but... Let the grain grow,
besides- it's almost harvest season...
[n][v]

last poem of the day...

last poem of the day,
what can you say?
when I act this way?

it isn't common
or something like that
to write from the heart
when I am riddled with flak-

so...
I must go...
carpe diem and all that jazz,
life has left me feeling like a spaz-

*random/unrhyming lines to past the time*
dreaming of summer
and perhaps I'll dream of life with you.
thinking about what this week holds
and the one who holds the week in His hands...
feeling...scared, yup - scared...
feeling like changing- for the better
considering my options...
options of now and the future,
but... the future is already here.
wanting...
wanting to feel accepted,
wanting to be honest
wanting to take the Façade and burn it on a pyre of my old self...
walking... with God,
talking... to God.
and...
that is all...
for now...

your love...a poem

Your love...
how it slices to the core of my existance;
how I want to gaze at it completely, yet I cannot-
for it is the sun: full of warmth and goodness, but there are things I have yet to learn.

Your love...
how laser like,
how it beams and burns a hole into me
and unlike the laser, I want it to burn me completely...

Your love...
Is a flood,
it doesn't cover over some things, it covers completely!
how I want to sit back and drown in your love,
within the drowning I am secure.

Your love...
how I want it to fill me,
I want to be filled to overflowing-
so that I may pass on your love to everyone.


[n][v]

Writing poetry without thinking...

I watched it all,
and upon drowning-
then- and there- I found relief...
Flying on the melancholic wings:
How I soar and aim for the sun,
and yet I fall down...down...down...

dreaming...
dreaming of the mess
I have created
as a result
of being
human
***

thinking...
thinking about her.
thinking of the what's
thinking of the when's
Then I think...
I think I may cry,
for what?
her not being in my life...yet.
lonely, lonely, lonely-
that's the tune no one wants to hear,
and yet... it plays in my head.

*fin*

Writing poetry without thinking...continued

Façade
is this the life I had in mind?
is this the life you had in mind?

it eats away my human emotions,
it craves my insecurities,
it smiles when my blood flows...
how I hate myself sometimes.

what is the measure of success?
I know what the answer is,
but easily answered doesn't equate to easily accepted and lived-
I am no status quo
and hopefully,
hopefully I never will be.

I am apathetic-
I am selfish, ignorant and stubborn
and yet...
God loves me for who I am
and not for the flaws that stain my clandestine existance.

Masque...

Binding the wounds that lay affected and infected,
what better salve is there but GOD?
How I want to fix it all,
but fixing what ails me will not ultimately heal me,
That is what I want;
I want to heal...
*
Death lies in the water,
but within death I find the life I want,
the life I need...
How I want to drown in your love,
how I want to embrace you-
how I want to see your face
and how...
nevermind,
it will all be resolved,
this too shall pass
*smile*

Heart ache and break...

How it stabs me...
how I wish it didn't,
but alas-
I care too much...

if only you could see where I am left standing
*note - anyone/everyone/anybody/everybody*
you do not know this pain I carry,
but if you did... I wonder how you'd take it.

just...
just let me be,
this is my battle-
this is my struggle-
all I need is prayer,
God aids to me...but the wound is still there.
This isn't saying that God hasn't failed,
perhaps...this is the thorn in my side that I cannot remove-
A thorn from the rose that afflicts me so.

[n][v]

lying to myself that the pain is gone...when it isn't - a poem

bleeding,
lying on the floor-
pass me by, pass me by...
***
what can you do
when the one you
love lies dead and
no one knows that
it still hurts you since
her passing?
***
GOD...
hear this prayer of mine,
heal the wound
that has been
reopened-
it was fixed... a long time ago,
but...
i don't want to be fixed,
i want to be healed.
so...
heal me...
please?

Anti-War Poem...1 down, several to go!

Drop the bomb...
slay the weak,
kill the innocents
and call it just...
War, what is it good for? absolutely nothing!
No need to continue the rant/rave
'cause the media screams blood and death
and my voice calls out to the voiceless...

Call it a 'just' cause,
say it isn't about oil or wealth,
say it isn't so...
I won't believe you,
We don't believe you!
I support the troops
and not this bloody war,
they're sticking their necks out for us
and yet...*sigh*
the list goes on...

so...

I wrote several poems lately,
just writing from the gut and not really giving an ounce of sympathy to those who would suppose my life is all orderly and sublime... well, it isn't-

If you're one of those people,
I won't say I am sorry,
except sorry... sorry that I took you on a ride that wasn't real,
sorry I took our friendship as something surface level,
and didn't bother to go beyond that...
:(
But as they say in show business-
the show must go on
and so...

here are some of those poems.
Enjoy...or not,
I am the 2 bit poet here...

Carpe Diem...*sigh*

Today I got some school work done, but there is still a problem...
some!
I can think of a lot of 'I should have's' but let me avoid lying to myself and say this...

I suck!

I suck at choosing the wrong thing over the right thing,
I could explain that this is the common thing that all humans have...a sinful nature, but that doesn't cut it thick enough... I practically wasted Sunday; yeah, I self lecturing myself, but... What else can I do but go to my room and get my school stuff and go some place where I won't be distracted... This is precisely what I am going to do!

So...
Carpe Diem,
I sure didn't...
[n][v]

Vulnerability - A Poem

Why do the wounds persist,
hidden- yes, but... they dwell below the surface (don't they?)
and yet,
the wound was reopened
a little; but a little is too much as it is...
and
so
the wound has been open.
and all I can do is pray;
pray that the wound doesn't become a scar
but that it heals
and is out of my mind
and off my heart
***
[n][v]

Sacred Vs. Secular music/etc.

Alrighty...
this may rattle some cages, but eh... If I can, I will and I WILL!

For many Christians, they divide their lives into two catagories...



Time spent doing devos, praying, reading the Bible, etc - these things go into the Sacred box... Now the time spent doing school, watching television, playing video games, being on blogspot (), etc. - These things are placed in the Secular box...

Well, last semester I learned (both in class and in my own life) that everything is to be placed in the Sacred box; in other words, everything has the potential to be Sacred! When ever we as Christians/Followers of Christ do something, we should do it onto God- do your taxes in God's name, hang out with your friend's in God's name, Watch a movie in God's name...




So this is my 2 cents on music in this regard:
There is no Christian Music,
There is no Non-Christian Music,
A lot of both can have things that bring honor to God, I know some may not, but c'mon! Why say oh I don't listen to non-Christian music when you can look (listen in this case) for something positive from it?
Some Christians/Followers of Christ don't think that it should be this way; making everything Sacred... but enough about them, what do you think? Do you compartmentalize your life?

[n][v]

How (sad) the differences make us indifferent...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off... by Emo Phillips...

It wasn't always meant to be this way, but because of sin and the (little and big) things that divide us, things like this happen... It's a joke, but one that causes one to think, so...think about it!

[n][v]

soon to come...

Soon to come...

Not Stripper!

Stryper!
As of last year this Glam Rock band from the 80's have gotten back together and are kicking it...like they did back then, minus the Glam Rock...

*sigh*

I've always liked their music, and now that they're back... I want to see them in concert!

To Hell with the Devil!
[n][v]

If I could recommend a magazine...

So...
I would recommend this magazine to anyone who likes the less heard of scene in regards to 'Christian' music... I'll mention the 'Christian' part later...

It is definitely how I described it; some of the musicians...well, they get under the skin and they know how to stab...in a good way.

www.hmmagazine.com

Give it a try, you may want to renew your subscription!
[n][v] 

a written prayer/poem

GOD...
why did life have to turn out this way?
I question it...but not with anger in my heart-
I want to know the why's and the how's and the when's...
but...
since the questions remain unanswered
and the [emotional] scars remain...
I will trust in you
100%
I want it to end,
but I am waiting...praying...hoping
that sometime in my life
sometime soon
I will know the answer to all the why's, how's, when's...
Amen.

[n][v]

A book I am reading for school, it is rather good...

So I am reading this book for Missions and Evangelism...

Under the Overpass : A Journey of Faith on the Streets of America
By Mike Yankoski

It is about two guys who decide to go homeless (seriously!) for several months in several towns... They even stop off at live on the streets of Washington D[e]C[eit]... The reason why I picked it up now to read instead of later is because I want to do the same, but a month in Chicago...

Back to the book;

I pulled this from it so far; it is in regards to a man who goes by the moniker Sugar Man - He sells 25 cent pop to the homeless for 1 dollar, this quote is pulled after he shared with the two guys that he is a Christian and then he takes a hit of marijuana...

"What's your definition of a Christian? Is it broad enough to encompass the drug dealers, pimps, prostitutes, and broken people of the world? Jesus said that he came to heal the sick. Drug addicts are messed up just the same as liars are messed up, just the same all humans are messed up. We all need Jesus. We all struggle with personal ways in which sin plays itself out in our lives.
What's worse? To not do dope or to not love your brother? Why do we kick drug dealers out of the church while quietly ignoring those who aren't dealing with other, equally destructive sins? Why do we reject the loving, self-sacrificing, giving, encouraging, Jesus-pursuing drug addict but recruit the clean, self-interested, gossiping, loveless churchgoer?
Which one do you suppose Jesus would rather share a burrito with under a bridge?" (Page 107)

I will leave it at that...
It's a lot to swallow, especially since it's true.

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

My classes and roommates...

Well... I definitely enjoy my new roommates; they seem to be two very nice individuals who treat me like I have seniority...please, seniority is not based on being here one semester more than yourself...

So...yeah, I have two roommates...new transfers from Wheaton IL and Texas...

My classes...

Algebra; no problem, I hope to finish it up so I don't have to do much more for math... It is the same as it was last semester when I took pre-Alg.

New Testament; The guy seems very funny and I will have a lot of work on my hands with this class, no problem...I think...and say at this time.

Adolescent Development; Same teacher as Intro. to Psychology and same Bible verses and pretty much... same faces as well! It seems like it will be a lot of fun, with some volunteer work at a social service place...this should be fun as well!

Missions and Evangelism; This is the second part of YouthMin... Dr. Sanders... funny guy who can take and throw punches...verbally, that is. He has a lot of humour and experience: two good qualities... on a side note, he is also on FaceBook... go figure!

Hero and Anti-Hero: I shouldn't have arrived late...especially on the first day! but... It seems like it will be a good class with plenty to read... good times! The professor seems like a lively and funny guy.

So...that would be my classes and new roommates...

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

Randomness aka "Mystery Scanned Item" aka "I have too much free time on my hands, for now..."

Okay...here goes nothing...
I have just scanned this and I want all of you's (meaning, I don't know who really reads my blog) to guess what it is! I won't give any hints besides this: It is something that is edible...

So...guess away!

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

New band...well, to me, anyways...

I probably like Tears for Fears a lot because of the songs that are on the Donnie Darko soundtrack... Head over Heels, Mad World, etc...

They seem like an 80's version of The Faint, I kind of like that... They are rather dark, murose, melancholic, etc.
Kind of like me, but with some subtle differences.
Well,
If you haven't heard of this band
you're missing out...
chao
and
God bless!
[n][v]

though not TOO mad...

Well...it goes like this;
I thought I had classes today...and yet, I do not!
It's okay, I guess... I just am thinking that I could have slept in some,
at least I have my school books, minus the ones not in yet.
and that...
that is my mini rant/rave on this fine day in January...

chao is one letter short of chaos
[n][v]

first day of school...first blog back...

It's not that bad...really!
So now I am back on campus, I have unloaded all my stuff- and I realize; I have brought way too much! *sigh* I didn't want to, really! Anyways...

It's good to be back; I played some XBox 360 last night in Jeff's dorm - *jaw drop* wow! I love a good car game and he has a couple and the demo for NFS Most Wanted...good times
I met my roommates...briefly. They came in when I was trying to get some sleep, no probs- brief introductions, majors, locations of where we call home, then... back to bed for me.

I don't know how this semester will shape up,
but... God knows, and God is there...so- why worry?
I mean, I won't throw caution to the wind, but I don't need to worry, but rather... Let God be God...Let me worry about life and etc. 1-day-at-a-time...

take care,
I have to purchase my books for this semester.

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

This is good...

This is a series of videos put out by www.vintage21.com in regards to who Jesus is NOT.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-444363488647893860
Select "more videos" to see the other 3...

This is humourous,
purely satirical
and
it definitely breaks a lot of stereotypes made by people in regards to who Christians are, and who Jesus is.

enjoy!
[n][v]

If you know the song, sing along...

wow...awesome VW concept!

Source: Volkswagen

In a world premiere at the 2006 Los Angeles Auto Show, Volkswagen presented the GX3 – a completely new type of motorcycle. The GX3 was conceived by the Moonraker team and VW’s Design Center in California, exclusively with the U.S. in mind, to bring an exciting idea to a fully functioning concept. With its three wheels and unique design, this Volkswagen opens up a new driving dimension.

What if you could carve up the back roads and cruise solo in the carpool lane?

A motorcycle with VW features: Light, fast, and environmentally friendly, the GX3 shows that conceptually it is much closer to a motorcycle than to a classic type automobile. This two-seater Volkswagen is one of a kind - bold, young, and affordable. It opens a new driving dimension, turns even the daily commute to work into a small trip to freedom, allows you to cruise in the carpool lane, even if you’re driving solo (the GX3 is a motorcycle, after all!) and with its keen handling it opens up completely new horizons for recreational driving.

What if performance were affordable?

Amazing dynamics for less than $ 17,000: The GX3 will be driven by a VW 1.6 liter engine. The four-cylinder delivers 92 kW / 125 hp. So far, so good. However, the GX3 is a pure driving machine, a motorcycle with two seats positioned side-by-side. And that’s why you can find 125 hp and 112.5 ft-lbs (152 Nm) in a mere 1,257 lbs (570 kg) Volkswagen. This results in a power-to- weight ratio of 10 lbs/hp 4.56 kg/PS). In just 5.7 seconds, the GX3 can reach a speed of 62.5 mph (100 km/h) and the possible lateral acceleration reaches 1.25g – values typical of sheer performance cars but delivered from a vehicle under the $17,000 price range. No comparable sports machine in the world, however, can come even close to the low fuel consumption of the GX3: 46 mpg. Fact is: a production counterpart of the GX3, could be on the market very soon. It all depends on the American driver’s feedback.

Tradition of the exceptional: Conceptually and visually the Volkswagen GX3 differs from anything currently on the roads in the U.S. And that’s a tradition at Volkswagen. It was with exceptional and unique products – today all of them legends – that Volkswagen propelled itself to the top in the USA during the 50’s and 60’s. Whether the Beetle, the Thing (Type 181) or the Microbus, all were the cult cars of their time and still are. In 2006, with the GX3, Volkswagen once again presents something totally unexpected and exceptional, a VW in every sense. VW – Being different.

Moonraker: The GX3 was designed in close collaboration between VW’s Design Center California (DCC) and an international, cross-functional group of young engineers, designers, manufacturing and marketing experts, also based in California. The team started its work in the US in early 2005. The job: To convert the wishes, dreams and needs of American drivers into mobility. The goal: highest possible customer satisfaction. Background: In addition to the models developed in Germany and sold in the US, in the future Volkswagen will be building more models catering

especially to the needs and requirements of U.S. customers. One of the most dramatic and tangible early results of Moonraker: the GX3. Responsible for the design of the new Volkswagen is the Volkswagen Design Studio in Santa Monica. The team there will be working in the future in close cooperation with the product strategy staffs in the U.S. The GX3 offers a look into the exciting and comprehensive spectrum of totally new motor vehicles which are currently being conceptualized by Volkswagen of America for the US market.

What if authenticity had a radical edge?

Design dynamics: The focus for Volkswagen’s design team in California was to create a quintessential and pure driving machine. Inspired by the minimalist design language often expressed in contemporary GP motorcycles and F1 race cars, the GX3 has a true feeling of authenticity. These influences are seen throughout the exterior with an exposed single sided swing arm, aggressive central exhaust, open front wheels and stealthy matte finishes. The progressive dynamic on the GX3 is emphasized with a strong graphic dividing the body as it wraps up to the aggressive forward leaning roll hoops. Anodized gold and black suspension components and LED lighting are further examples of track inspired designs. The GX3 interior is all about business with nothing to distract from the absolute driving experience. The driver’s cockpit is equipped with five point racing harnesses; "moto" style instruments and a GTI inspired stainless shifter. Most distinctly, the rear boasts a massive single 18"x12" back wheel dressed with 315 rubber. The front end proudly displays a bold V graphic consistent with Volkswagen’s vehicle lineup, most notably the GTI. The GX3 in no way denies that it is a motorcycle, but rather plays it up as a unique design advantage.

Space-Frame: The basic structure of this driving machine is formed by a high-density, warp-resistant, steel construction space frame. The paneling of the interior and exterior parts of the space frame is made of high density fiberglass. A 2.83 tf3 (80 l) trunk is located behind the seats.

What if driving was redefined?

Advanced chassis: The 215/45 R17x8J front wheels are controlled by a double lateral steering axle. While the front axle resembles the layout of an automobile, the rear axle shows more parallels to a motorcycle. The right side of the vehicle also makes use of a monoswing arm. The engine’s power is delivered via 6-speed transmission and chain drive to the rear wheel, which has a tire size of 315/30 R18x12J – a new super bike dimension. And that suits the GX3. A Volkswagen that breaks away from the conventions and that redefines driving fun and freedom of mobility. Drivers wanted. Seriously!