Th-Angst-giving Day

This year I am angsty about Thanksgiving; it's been nearly 2 years since I've celebrated Thanksgiving or any other major holiday with family, last few (not including Independence Day) was spent with my now ex-fiancee and her family. This year for Thanksgiving I will be spending it with my relatives in Wisconsin (yea!) but up to a few days ago I was been given a lot of family drama.

Ugh, I hate family drama, it is probably the #1 form of drama I hate with a passion, here's how it went down:

Initially I was going to visit the relatives with my mom (this is her sister's family), but somewhere along the line my father contacted that bunch of relatives and mentioned that he would like to go up to have Thanksgiving with them. Somehow my mom got word on this, and because of my parents split that happened 2 years ago, they told him NO you cannot come up...but he intended to go up even though he got a no.

My mom, panicky and timid as she is in regards to my father, tells me no, that she's not going up there if he is -- her drama is non-rational; he's not going to go up, it is just a scare tactic to keep her from going to visit her sister and other relatives, he's just saying he's going to piss her off.

"Fine" I tell her, "I'll go celebrate Thanksgiving with them ALONE", then she tells me that my uncle and aunt won't let me or any of the "kids" go visit them for Thanksgiving if none of our parents are going; this is utter BS in my opinion, I am 24 years old, I have been up to my relatives house without my parents before, so have my sisters...

This is the stupid s*** family related drama I have to go through, that WE kids are exposed to. In my mind, I have a mom, I have a father, but my family is defined by my 3 sisters and myself, in fact most of my sisters have this mentality.

But I received good news; I have the go ahead, the green light, to have Thanksgiving with my relatives! :D

So as far as things are concerned, it all looks good -- even though I will be asking my mom some questions that have been lingering in my mind and hanging in the air, I pray that I get honest answers, I pray I find out the truth.

[n][v]

I like the darker things in life...part one

Disclaimer: I am a follower of Christ and I like the darker things in life, I'm no ball of sunshine, I am me(which means I'm a realist and I'm chock full of melancholy). I enjoy the darker things of life...questions? Feel free to ask them.

I like Guinness (oooh! Sinful! )

I like cigars (oooh! Sinful! )

I like dark movies

I like dark music


etc...

Liking the darker things in life isn't a bad thing, but it does get a bad rap sometimes. I am a follower of Christ, I am angsty, I get pissed off, I have bad days I rather stay in bed and sleep, I hurt, I ache I scream obscenities into the darkened sky because life sucks.
All the while, God provides grace and love and mercy and tenderness and characteristics that I will never possess on my own, take love for example. I truly believe that mankind is not capable of loving itself and others, love is not an innate quality of man. I believe that I don't possess one drop of love on my own but God, working in me and through me, has given me love that I cannot contain, I want the love God has given me to splash out on everyone I come into contact with. Love is defined in so many ways, a while back I even posed the question of defining love and everyone I responded shared a different facet of love, which is good, because that's how love is!
Another not innate but in Nate quality is patience; I am a patient person, when what I am waiting for takes place right away, but if I have to wait, say I'm expecting something in the mail or planning life apart from school...yeah, I'm not patient then. I want right away at times, I can be childish and immature for what I want and cannot have right away. I am learning and relearning time and time again that I need to wait on God's perfect time and direction, to wait and not to take things s-l-o-w-l-y, which is a very difficult task for me, especially since I'm a college student. I want the degree to get the job to get going to get the future I want I want I want! Me Me Me! God hurry up now! *sigh* I digress at how impatient I can be at times, but I'm getting where I need to be and waiting and being patient

***
Back to darker things: I guess I like the darker things in life because I have seen a lot and I have been a part of a lot of things where I see God at work, but all the while (from a human perspective) it just sucks. I have worked with my church's middle school group for close to 6 years now, they're a great bunch of kids but I have seen the kids go through the crap of parents getting divorces, parents getting on their kids for not getting better grades than their already good grades, kids just feeling lonely and apart from what's going on, kids who don't have a lot of friends, kids who aspire to be the popular ones, etc... This is life and this sucks! I wish I could bring the kids through this dismal life, but what would that really do, it would probably get them dependent on me for helping them through, I can't risk it but I can offer up hope and encouragement and sometimes the-hey-let's-grab-a-bite-to-eat and say what you need to say. In my high school years my Youth Pastor was influential in my life in this area, he let me vent where I needed to, he was the adult I could go to and let him know what was really up.

I think some other Christians might have a problem with my dark side (it's not all encompassing, but it is noticeable), they might be like cheer up! God is good! Be happy! blah blah blah... Yes, God is good, but to those who have this tone of I should "cheer up", have you stepped outside your Christian bubble/fortress to see what's going on in life today? There are wars, genocides, national pandemics, hate crimes, crimes carried out because "God told me to", brother against brother, poverty, destruction, chaos, turmoil and apathy...How I can be thoroughly cheerful in a broken world? How can I consciously go through life in a everything's-A-Ok mode? I cannot, but more importantly, I will not...

To be continued

[n][v]

I think God's trying to get through to me...

In regards to my consumer whorish ways; I went clothes shopping today, I spent 45 minutes looking for some cool new threads and then, I starting thinking and feeling different -- do I really NEED new clothes even though it won't affect me monetarily? Why do I need more?

I walked out of the store empty handed...

More on my thoughts about this later.


:::EDIT:::

So lately I've been thinking about my spending habits and the spending habits of others, extremes in particular; take rap/hip hop music videos, they're predominantly about cash girls cars and more cash, some even throw money literally in their music videos, like yeah I have it and I will do with it as I please and then I think of people who wire money back to their families (it seems commonplace with some Mexicans in my area), and then there's me, I have bills to pay and yet I'm still a bit of a dependent (changing even now) on my parents, but I still have a bit of change that I can spend as I'd like to...or can I?

That's where God has been talking to me, I have and I want, but do I truly need MORE stuff in my life? I so desperately want to use less and give more and I think I am getting to that point where I want to act out accordingly. I'm also thinking missionally; that if I'm not going to places and friends are, I def. can help them out, I don't need it but they def. can use it for something bigger than I, than themselves, no sweat off my shoulders, I want to help even if I'm not the direct one who's helping.

Money is not a bad thing, 2 years ago I might have said so in my Walden and Into the Wild period of my life, plus you throw in jokers like Joel Olsteen who preach a Gospel of God wants you to be rich and etc... I do want to be successful, I do want to make some money in my life, but I don't want to throw it around and away. I want to invest in the lives of others with the money I make, give them the money and then have them give me a report of what they've been doing but more importantly what they have being.

So, the planner in me has thought out a few things:
1) Pay up what I owe sooner by putting more money out
2) Start saving more for later/post college/etc.
3) Invest in the lives of others, directly or indirectly, w/o expectations of reimbursement on a monetary level
4) If investing indirecly, get involved directly -- perhaps not to see the task to completion, but to have a hand in
5) Start investing in the one's the world views as unlovely
6) Pay it forward; the concept of the movie works for me
7) Start spring cleaning; I have too much, I am a consumer whore, I can give away stuff...free garage sale anyone?

God, I hear you and I want to be less of a consumer than I am. Thanks for getting through to me.
I love you father, I want to do and be more, for your glory and not my own.

[n][v]