A visit to the local mosque

I'm not questioning what I believe as a follower of Christ, I am not wavering in my faith and "experimenting", it's just that I have Muslim friends and I know how they worship and do different things based on what they have told me but also what I have learned pertaining to Muslims and Islam.
I contacted the local mosque and they invited me, so I went...read on, eh? :)



Two Fridays ago I had the chance to visit the local mosque. I arrived early and I am glad I did, because it gets really crowded in their "sanctuary". There are no seats except for at the back of the sanctuary, perhaps for visitors like me and maybe those who cannot pray as a Muslim does because it requires a lot of serious face-to-the-floor praying and then in the next instant they're back on their feet facing heaven.
The Imam spoke spoke from the Koran that day, sharing how when we are a blessing to others, our blessing in their lives might encourage them to be a blessing to others themselves! He spoke from the Koran in Arabic, but he spoke plenty in English as well.

One thing I will say about the service and the Muslims that were gathered, they were more hospitable to me than the practicing Jews at the local Synagogue (I too went there to learn how Jews worship by way of observing); less eye daggers and more greetings of salam alaikum which is kind of like the passing of the peace some of us followers of Christ share with one another, I know this phrase so I in return shared alaikum salam which is returning their peace be with you with peace be unto you as well, those that I returned this too smiled without a facade of what is this guy doing?

After the service I met Jim* and we started talking casually, how nice the weather has been, how it's great to see the changing of seasons, etc. Jim is originally from Jordan, and he shared how in his country it is desert, there is no visible sign of change like here in Illinois.

I then ventured to ask Jim a pertinent question, I asked him how he carried out his beliefs as a Muslim on a day-to-day basis, to which he shared with me how he treats others with respect, how he treats others as he himself would like to be treated.
Jim then asked me if I were a Christian, to which I honestly shared that I am, HE then started asking ME questions!
He shared with me that his boss is a Christian and recently they started talking about what it means to be a Christian and from Jim's perspective what it means to be a Muslim. Jim asked me what did Isaiah refer to Jesus as being god (a lesser god than God)? I explained a little bit to Jim about what Christians believe in regards to the Trinity, I broke it down as easy as I could because it's an unfamiliar concept for Muslims.
He then shared with me how it found it to be very odd but amusing and cool that God would come to earth to and wrestle with one of his own, Jacob wrestled with God, and Jim thought it was interesting that God, creator of everything, came to earth to pick a fight with one of his own  I too find that interesting.

After our conversation we shook hands and were about to go, but I stopped Jim and asked him how I could pray for him, he was a little suprised that I would ask this (but this is becoming more of who I am, thanks be to God) but he shared with me that needed prayer for guidance and then Jim asked how he could pray for me, I shared how I was in need of a second job because of the economy. Our handshake became more of a hand embrace if you will, it lasted till we parted ways, it was definitely a God moment inside a mosque.

***

I aim to return to that mosque, to hear what the Imam has to say but to also build community with some of the Muslims in my area. I don't aim to convert them or anything, but to love on them and build friendships. True love has no agenda is something I say now and then, and this is an area where it is true, to be their friend and let what I believe flow out of me. St. Francis of Assisi said it best; "Share the Gospel at all times and use words when necessary." I do use words, but sometimes me being there or just listening speaks larger volumes than I ever could. Thanks be to God for opportunities for his love to flow out of me even in a mosque among Muslims.

[n][v]

*not his real name

The Love List - Things I love

Things I love:
- Photography
- Writing
- Sunsets
- Pints of Guinness with my theology bro's
- French kissing
- Holding hands
- Giving back massages
- Snuggling
- Laying in bed with the blankets over my head
- Smiling kids, waving to kids
- Good communication
- Puns
- Documentaries
- Sleeping in
- Waking up to a chill song (my mp3 player doubles as my alarm clock).
- Art by Van Gogh
- My family; my sisters 3 and I
- Dreams that I have
- Dreams that will come true
- Her *swoon* I love her so much already

What's on your list?

[n][v]

Dreams are for dreamers (and I am one)

2 nights ago this is what I dreamt:

I was on my way to Nashville with my 2 of my sisters to visit my other sister for Christmas. We were entering into Kentucky from Indiana which happens by crossing over a large bridge. I dreamt we were rear-ended by a semi and he knocked us off the bridge! We fell 50-60 feet into the water and my car started to sink, I was able to get out but my sisters were having difficulties getting out, they were in need of help but I didn't help either of my sisters  not out of selfishness, but because the moral dilemma questioned which sister would I save over the one I did not and I didn't want to have to deal with people saying well you saved ___________ instead of ____________, why is that? So (in my dream) I saved myself only, I watched as my sisters pounded on the rear window looking at me forlornly, as my car faded into the deep and I swam to the surface.

Yikes!

This actually started off 8 hours of bad dreams

Though last night, I had a good dream, it lasted me 6 hours

If any of you have seen the movie Across the Universe, take that plot for the most part but replace the music with that of Bob Dylan and that's what I dreamt about. I remember for part of my dream I was chasing a cute redhead

(not this girl, but I had to find a picture for reference  or something like that...)

I was chasing her in a way lovers do sometimes, it was fun and enjoyable, I like being the pursuer at times and sometimes I like being pursued myself. Another aspect of my dream was that Bob Dylan actually had a cameo in the movie/dream! Someone I was with said Look there's Robert Zimmerman! He corrected my friend saying his name was Bob Dylan and don't you forget it!
Oh dreaming, finding her in my unconscious state is easy, but I need to find her in real life...and I will! For better or worse, I like dreaming, but there is a time for that and a time for also interacting with others.

[n][v]

Starting to write my Christmas cards

This is a song for my Xangamigos who are down and out on love, love will return to you :)

***

I have all I need to start writing my Christmas cards, and some of those I am sending cards to are people I know through here (I wish I could send you all one, but my budget is quite tight this year ). I've decided even though I am down and out on love as far as boyfriend-girlfriend relationships go, I will do my best to spread a bit of Christmas cheer with those around me, not as a facade but as an encouragement to others as well as myself. I admit that this Christmas season I've been a little Grinchy (having a sour disposition on life, being a bit of a jerk to different people, maybe some anger towards others as well -- not that they deserve it);

Being single isn't necessarily a bad thing, but there are times where it absolutely sucks, now is one of those times where it sucks to be single. I enjoy spending holidays with SO's, but I haven't one and while I am looking and praying, I know I can't rush things this time around and I know I will have to take it slow. But moving slow and forward works for me.

On another note, I've decided that among the people I will send cards to this year, I will include the President as well as his family. Sure a LOT of people are probably doing this, but I want to be a voice that says to President Obama and family Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Don't forget He (Jesus) is the reason for this season. I also want to encourage him from someone who voted for him, that regardless of what 2010 has to offer, I will continue to pray for him and for those who help run the country with him.
As a follower of Christ I believe wholeheartedly that we should pray for those who are politically in charge, even if we don't align ourselves with some of all of their views. As some of you followers of Christ know, there are some followers of Christ who are anti-Obama and they say pretty rotten things pertaining to the President, do NOT act like they do, God is in control so don't fret.

That's all I have this evening,
[n][v]

Thoughts about church

Now I've known this for a while now, and some of you already know this already, but I'm sharing it anyway;

This is a collage of 615 photos I took [when it was nicer outside] for the church I attend, I was going with church architectural designs, I could talk about it but not right now.
What you see might seem like church to you, but really it isn't. For you see, the church isn't the building itself but the group of individuals, followers of Christ, "saints and sinners", believers, Christians, etc. who gather within the building.
This past Christmas Eve I attended 3 different Christmas Eve services, my pastor at The Warehouse actually invited my father and I up to partake in lighting the last Advent candle prior to the Christ candle, it was great to be with all those individuals, for better or worse, to worship and praise God in our distinct ways -- this is the church.

When I was at each of these 3 buildings surrounded by followers of Christ and those who want to be more like him, I related to the people around me, opening up to the real/authentic Nathanael, which I feel comfort, trust and security with letting people in with who I really am, when I do this people, more often than not, reciprocate the feeling and they themselves become real/authentic with me -- this is the church.

Singing songs, praying together, praying for one another and lifting one another up -- this is the church. It's about living together, building communal, intentional, relational, emotional friendships that can last a lifetime. With my intent on moving out to Southern California next year I've been pondering some things, one of them being when I move out there what will say about me pertaining to my family and friends? Sure I will keep in contact with a lot of them via facebook/email/phone/snail mail/et al. But what does it say about me? I've been a downer to myself about it all, but I've made up in my mind that if God is the vine and we are the branches, I can take leave and graft myself anywhere and continue my journey and story as a follower of Christ, the see-ya-laters won't be forever, I'll still visit IL now and then (preferably when there's no snow on the ground ), this is just a part of growing up and making roots and a life for my own.

We who are followers of Christ are the church, we need to remember that; for the times when we walk out the doors of a building we're not walking away from all, we have a chance to take root elsewhere and grow into whom God is shaping us to become.

[n][v]

I think I have a television character based alter ego...

Tonight I was at a social function with my mom, people were required to wear name tags so that we could meet and greet a little bit easier, but I being my creative self (or deviant, you choose) did this with my name tag;

Now so you don't get stumped, I wore a name tag that said Hello my name is House M.D. Dr. House, the guy from House M.D. is someone I'm starting to see myself as, in some weird way I am kinda like Dr. House to some people in my life -- for better or worse.

In case you don't know much about the character, Dr. House is a very intelligent doctor but his quirks and personality drive people to him but equally or a bit more it drives people away from him. His fellow doctors are constantly being at their wits end over this guy, the girl Dr. House pursues is someone he repels away by him simply being himself, I think that's how I can be at times -- repelling and appealing to others based on me being me, I know some girls are fascinated by my knowledge, my noticing the little things, my attention to detail, my love for God and others. This flows out of me sometimes because that is who I am, but then there's the ME that pisses people off. It's not a I'm-doing-this-because-I'm-a-shock-jock-wannabe scenario but I do know and sometimes use stronger language (i.e.4 letter words) because something affects me deeper and worse than mere "clean" words as it were can accomplish, but I have stipulations around my swearing:
1) Not around little kids, they wouldn't grasp my reason as to why I swear
and
2) I'm working hard at not swearing around my sister, she GETS me and what is troubling me IS serious, I've cut back A LOT of what I say around her, but she gets my plight.

I swear for good reasons, I have even been able to find reasons in which to say God damn (which if you want to know the basis of that, email me) fill-in-the-blank. My mom would say I swear just to swear, but if she would listen to me instead of just hear me, my thoughts and ideas would make sense to her and her holier-than-thou thou-shalt-not-swear-th attitude would leave and there would be less tension between her and I.

I also seem to repel people at times because I am blunt, I sometimes tell it like it is and that's not always kosher in today's society, too often we're supposed to play nice with others and not talk about the large pink elephant in the room which is there, but I see it and I talk about it! It's called having balls, it's called loving on others and sometimes that requires a verbal smacking around.

My repelling of others continues in the form of being very protective of those I call my own and that coincides with my savior complex; I sometimes feel like I need to protect and save some people in my life, as if they can't on their own OR if I don't help no one else will.
This is not a good place to be, and I'm fighting it and not going it as wholeheartedly and with much zeal as I once did, but it is still there, sometimes knawing at me do something it whispers in a silky voice if you don't no one else will it beckons me...but if I start saving or protecting one individual, it will lead to another which will lead to another and I am only one guy! I can make a difference, but I need to think it out and plan, do what I can and entrust God with the rest.

So I guess maybe this is my version of Confessions, I'm no ancient church father but I do have my share of gifts and faults which I bring to the table wherever I go to whomever I am with. I'm Dr. House, I am me, but guess what? There's no one I rather be than myself and I am satisfied most of the time with the person God is making me become; chip by chip, layer by layer, this statue of a man that lays before will be completed in God's time not my own.

[n][v]

My thoughts about leadership (pertaining to me, can't say only but can't say everybody)

This past year I have come to this conclusion about leadership pertaining to me;
If I am somewhere in need of a leader because where I'm at lacks one, I will be that leader & if I am somewhere in need of a better/more efficient, I will take over.
I've been to a few places (prior to this change of mind) where it wasn't my scene, in particular some church functions that occurred in churches that I don't attend, and the leadership (or lack thereof) was pretty bad; unorganized, scatterbrained, dysfunctional and kids wanted to know what they wanted to do, but they bleated like lambs without a shepherd and I didn't do anything because it wasn't my church.
But after recognizing this in hindsight, I shared with a woman who is the youth director at my church who was at this church function my thoughts on this and she thought this was a good idea; to step up when everyone seems to be sitting down, to be a leader even though it isn't my 'flock to lead' as it were.

Now I know some people's reaction to this might be how dare you do something like this, you're not the boss! I know I'm not, but if no one is stepping up and calling the shots, I as a leader will step up and be that leader; not being cocky or bossy, but just taking charge for a while.

Being a leader comes very naturally to me, I have charima and passion to get people/ideas/the ball rolling. I sometimes chide that it has to do with my last name (Vitkus) which translates from Lithuanian into English as one who leads to which my sisters 3 and I all have different roles of leadership.

I am a follower as well, which I admit has been pretty humbling at times because it's about submitting to authority (not blindly on my part) and doing what they request of me even though I rather not, submitting to authority figure is something I struggle with from time-to-time because I question their intents and I have WHY questions, to which because I said so answers don't work for me (just ask my parents).

But I'm getting there, being a better leader and being a better follower, something for me to further expand upon in the not so distant future of 2010

[n][v]

P.S. A quote about leadership; "I’ve been involved in a number of cults both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower but you make more money as a leader." -- Creed from The Office

A call to leadership on my part: Hat & Glove drive

Now I want to thank God in advance for equipping me to acting on this in the now, some things in life I have mentally thought it can wait till I'm older, it can wait till I have more financial resources but this thing I have got off the ground was without resources of my own, but just a desire to see a need get taken care of.

***

When I was working at the local soup kitchen last Thursday a young woman approached me as we were just getting the place cleaned up. She asked me if we had any hats and gloves, I didn't know so I asked Pam* (my boss kinda sorta) if we did and she sadly told the woman that we didn't.
Finding out that we didn't have this to offer the people who come through our doors saddened me, we do have food, winter jackets, toiletry kits, even sleeping bags to give away to those who come, but the absence of hats and gloves in weather likes this got the gears in my head moving.

Pam I asked my boss What if I get a hat/glove drive with the churches I'm involved with? She thought this was a good idea and so I text messaged both of the lead pastors at my church, I got the approval!  I was asked by one of my pastors to give a short plug about my intentions and the need that's there at the soup kitchen, I also realized that the anxieties that I sometimes have when talking in front of people was gone, but that's because I knew my audience, I knew what I was going to talk about and I have a desire and a passion to help others...thanks be to God.
I received an email from my church's secretary, she told me I have a bunch of hats and gloves waiting for me to pick up! I'm excited that people heard what I had to say and are doing what they can to see my hat/glove drive happen. My goals for the rest of the day besides the usual is to talk to some more churches I've worked with and see if I can do more of the same.

[n][v]

*Not her real name

I'm a rebel

Hello, my name is Nathanael, I am a rebel.

Not my intro, but if you invest time in me you will find that this is true.

I can identify with these guys:

(James Dean, Marlon Brando and Hans Solo respectively)
 
I'm a soul rebel like Bob Marley
I'm a rebel rebel like David Bowie
I have a rebel yell like Billy Idol,

***

Paying heed to authority figures has been a life long struggle, to simply do something as a result of it being the law causes me to think that the ones who say these things are keepers and enforcers of the law i.e. cops, but to see these keepers and enforcers of the law break the laws they supposedly uphold leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth and I see double standard and liar stamped on their foreheads for doing so.
Yet I don't break all of the laws, I have common sense and more sense to boot, so you won't see me with a bottle of Jack in my hand while driving 55mph in a 30. I know better than that though some people might say if you're gonna follow laws might as follow them all, but that isn't me, I excerise some things that don't affect people, such as going 5mph over the limit on country roads or 10mph over while on the expressway, it's all about balance.

Yet as I think about being a rebel, not all of it has been bad; I think for myself, I make views that are my own, I don't cling to the tenants and beliefs of my parents for their sake but for my sake.
Being a rebel has made me step up and say what I think, so it has made me bolder. Being a rebel has made me generate thought ideas that differ from the groupthink that I'm sometimes a part of.

***

But being a rebel has its downsides; I'm not as easily convinced on somethings, I need to be "broken down" a little bit before I comply with things [such as the status quo etc], I argue a lot and I honestly think too much at times with certain people i.e. the parents <--- but it also stems from having a mom who fights like me and having an absent father in my life is hardcore passive aggressive.

But God is working in me through all this, to be a better leader and to be a rebel where its needed. I like how God works through me and I have the desire to change and bring about change, but to also retain parts of who I am.

[n][v]

Take time to make time: Jim's story

   Today I meant to meet up with some people at the place I work, but I happened to have arrive when the people I intended to meet with were out.
   I had my camera on me because I was out and camera-in-hand-itis is what I am afflicted with and there's no cure!
    Anyway, I walked out and a guy who was eating lunch at the local church (where they serve a free meal on Thursdays) asked me you're not going to take my photo, are you? I said to him, no sir, not if you don't want to, I myself photograph so I don't have to be photographed. 
    He smiled at that and he and I started talking. Now this happens a great deal and I earnestly think God flicks off my fear switch and I approach people, face-to-face, eye-to-eye, and just talk and listen where needed be.
   Jim* starts talking to me about life and what's going on in his life, he also starts cracking jokes about the other people gathered, some in fun but also some of what they're addicted to. I start talking soccer with Jim and I share how much a mutual friend of ours loves his country's soccer team to the point that I had a verbal argument about soccer in church! He shared how that's how some people are, him being half Brazilian, he knows and I know! Brazilian soccer is pretty kick ass, plus they had Pele...back to my story.
   Jim starts asking about my vocation, I share how I am a senior in the field of Psychology, he starts asking what I plan to do when I am done with my degree, I share I really don’t know and he starts giving advice to which the best part of what he shared was to not be intimidated by people who might have gone to a more prodigious school than I have, paper is paper, show them what you have to offer. I share with Jim how I find that my calling is Youth Ministry, he perks up on that and asks if he can give me a “three second interview” pertaining to Youth Ministry, the “why should we hire you” and related. At the end of all this he shakes my hand and wishes me a good day, I ask him as he rises “Jim, how can I pray for you?” 
   Jim sits back down, he’s more quiet and reserved now, he responds in close to a whisper; my addiction is alcohol, I listen and he shares with me some of the things he went through; how he was once in school himself, how he majored in Business and Linguistics but he dropped out in his 3rd year. I listen to what he has to say and then he shares how our conversation wasn’t fueled by alcohol, that what he shared with me was real, to which I do believe him when he says it wasn’t the booze talking.
   He goes back to being lively and talkative and he gets up again and says Nathanael, I might be an alcoholic but I am a judge of good character, you have it and you have a good heart, you will make it and you will succeed. We shake hands and we part ways. 
   I smiled as I walk to my car because of God working within me to BE with someone, to listen and talk, to love on the ones the world loves to hate, to take time to make time. I also smiled because a guy who I never met, a guy who dropped out of college, who is addicted to alcohol, who has gone through some rough times – affirmed me in what I find to be my calling, to work with youth and aid to their spiritual development. 
   I am thankful to God for the many opportunities to go and BE, I enjoy investing my time instead of spending it in the lives of others, including strangers who are aware of their brokeness. 
   As my friend Justin says; "My worldview includes you." To which I hope I do see the broader picture, to see the other-worldly, to include everyONE in my scope of life and to love on everyone including those that world loves to hate.

[n][v]

*not his real name

Is "Putting Up" with someone healthy?

Last night I was was watching my sister play indoor with my mom, we got to casually talking and she told me how she spent some time with *Pam earlier in the day. Now Pam is someone my mom has known a long while, but the friendship (or so my says it is) has always been give-and-take; my mom gives and Pam takes, there's no sharing, plus Pam has a few kids I've worked with in the context of Youth Ministry, they might have grown up and started a life of their own, but we keep in touch...
Anyway, I hate and rarely call women this, but Pam's a real bitch to my mom. EVERYthing has to be run by Pam, while my mom can suggest things, that's as far as it gets, suggestions. My mom is smart, educated, but those she chooses to call her friends sometimes boggles my mind, because for most of us we have friends who are more like us than those who are different, and yet Pam is WAY different than my mom... To some degree she has attributes that remind me of my father, perhaps that's another reason why I don't like her so much.

Anyway, we started talking about her time with Pam and she mentioned to me that this is the first time they hung out in 3 months, and then she says Pam is my best friend...

 *jaw drop*

So Mom I ask her You haven't hung out with her in 3 months and you still consider her your best friend? Yes I do. I was absolutely perplexed at my mom's statement, and in some ways I still am.

Thing is, I don't have a best friend (I did, but she broke my heart and ended our engagement, but that's another story), I do have a good friends who are very similar to me; we're social justice minded, we're not in it for the money, we're in it to serve God by serving others, we also like to discuss Theology over a pint or two of beer (hence my love for Guinness).
One of these good friends of mine I work with in the context of Youth Ministry at one of the churches I attend, I see him 2-3 times a week! The lines of communication are very open, it also helps that I've known this guy for 14 years. Time and trust has forged a great friendship, if he was here I'd let y'all know about Ben even moreso.

***

After the soccer game I was driving my sister and I back home, we started talking about the game and then I transitioned into talking about mom and Pam and how she puts up with her and still labels her best friend. My sister shared how she finds this very possible, how she and her best friend only hang out 30-40 minutes a week, how they don't always see eye-to-eye, she too puts up with her friend and it works out well according to my sister.

I can't help but think that putting up with someone's little foibles, as long as they're not endangering themselves, someone else and myself, okay I can put up with that. Yet how far is too far with putting up with someone? I mean, if I were dating someone who was a drug user, I wouldn't gloss over their drug use or put up with it, I would help them out where I could.

***

So maybe this is a gender thing, maybe us guys aren't too keen of putting up with more than the little things, but I really don't know -- this is where you the reader, if you're still here, can add your 2 cents to this.

[n][v]

*not her real name

Yes I might be a bit more liberal than you, so what?

I was originally thinking of calling this something similar to "No, I'm not as conservative as you think I am" but that paints conservatives in the negative, to which I don't have a problem with y'all (but there ARE some conservatives I have problems with...read on)

Disclaimer: this might piss of some of you homeschoolers that know my family and me, you might say "isn't that Phil and Nancy's son and wasn't he homeschooled?" Yes, it is I, Nathanael, and yes I was homeschooled from K-12, but I have changed some views of my homeschooled days since I've been to College AND started thinking for myself.

I was talking to a friend of mine earlier and we were discussing one of those "hot buttons" that exists within our culture, especially among Christians. Now I won't get into it because I know a lot of you won't see eye-to-eye on it and instead of discussing it like civilized human beings some of you are going to raise hell and act like little children. Anyway, my friend realized and exclaimed "wow you are more liberal" to me, not in a bad way, but just in a way to say "hey, you're thinking for yourself, you're a winner" or something close.

See, that's where my guff lies with some people, it's not in reference to whether you're conservative, liberal or somewhere in the middle, it's that these views aren't yours, they're someones elses. Now I'm fine with conservatives, liberals, middle peeps, etc. but when I hear you open your mouth and say something similar to "Well my Mom says or well my Dad says..." it just floors me, haven't you a mind? (yes) haven't you a heart? (I hope so) So come out and state views from YOUR perspective, no need to ride on the coattails of your parents anymore.
So if you say "well I am a conservative/liberal/etc. because ________ and __________" and these things you share with me are from your perspective, bravo! I am happy that you have opinions that are your own, more power to you.

Now another issue I might face with some of you might be wrapped around Christianity; saying “Well God won’t ___________” or “God doesn’t love ___________” and I’m going to hell in a hand basket because I’m a bit more liberal than you, so what? Since when do you know the mind and heart of God COMPLETELY to the extent that you think God doesn’t like the same stuff you do, Anne Lamott said something in this vein of thought; “You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.” Ouch fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, doesn’t that sting you, at least a little bit?

Now lastly if you're reading this over and just nodding your head in disagreement, okay, let's discuss this like adults...but if you're reading and nodding your head AND questioning whether I am a follower of Christ, I just gotta say God loves you even if I do not. Because seriously, we are not called to be Cookie Cutter Christians! We all have different thoughts, ideas, backgrounds and so much more that makes us an odd family (yup, putting the FUN in dysfunctional at times). There are some things that remain the same, to my brothers and sisters, John 14:6.
But don't question my salvation based upon my liberal stances, you don't see me judging and poking and prodding you over some difference from my own, now do you?

Love God, Love Others, nothing else matters.

I might be more liberal than you, so what? "nothing else matters" as I said above.

Think and make your opinions from what YOU believe, don't ride coattails, okay? :)

[n][v]

Dreams and Dreaming

I am a dreamer, both in semi-unconscious states when I am in my bed and when I am awake. Dreams propel me to plan and do better things; to work and invest in the lives of others, to beat the vicious generational curse within my family, etc.

But I also have bad dreams (I guess they'd be called nightmares instead, eh?)

Dreams that wake me up in a cold sweat and tears in my eyes,
it's because of such dreams that woke me up at 5:45 this morning.

I dreamt that I was in my younger naive youth. I was riding shotgun with my father to a social outing for fathers and sons only, he was talking to me about the different things we would do; play baseball, go fishing, etc. I was so happy, but then he abruptly pulled to the shoulder of the road. He got out of the vehicle and grabbed me and dropped me in a garbage can! All the while telling me that he was coming back, he closed the lid on my head and drove off with no intention of coming back.

Damn, this dream was fucking horrible and quite an allegory to my own life; having promises made and broken by my father, him saying he'd be back and yet he never did.

I hate it so fucking much, to be discarded like if I were trash, God knows it has happened in my life and it still does. Being in the same house as my father doesn't do me any good and I am trying to get to that point where I can move out on my own.

God, I am tired of being discarded by my own father. I hate that I fruitlessly try to get him to look at me and what I am capable of, to have him acknowledge me and affirm me. It isn't happening and it might never happen, help me to move on and apart from him, even with me still being here.

I'm hurt.

I'm broken.

I'm in fucking pain because of him. Help me Father God, I need you to go and move on.

Bring restoration to my life.

Help me to never become like him, I honestly can't think of any traits I can say that are positive.

I need you in my life to sustain me. I need you in my life so that I can dream and take those dreams and make them a reality.

All these things I lay at your feet including me.

[n][v]

War is NOT Sexy

I've been thinking this over in my head (I'm introspective) and I think instead of saying "Give peace a chance" or "I support the troops but not the war" I think I will say War is not SEXY.

Think about it, so much of our society is based upon sex and sexiness; we use it in our commercials, we say "look like this and you too can be sexy", etc. The advertisment world knows that Sex Sells, so I think that if we portray this war out to be NOT sexy (I never thought it had sex appeal from the getgo), maybe our sex driven culture will think about it and we can end the unjust wars we fight!

Just a thought...:) *wishful thinking*
[n][v]

Who are my brothers and sisters?

A lot of times as we go through this thing called life we build friendships that get better with time, and as I develop these friendships my siblings increase.

For the record, I have 3 biological sisters, I am the oldest so it works out well. My feminine intuition skills are better than the average male, so I don't mind NOW (when we were all younger and educated in the same environment, yeah...it wasn't the best of times).

So back to friends who have become my brothers and sisters...

I have older brothers and sisters, I have younger brothers and sisters. Y'all are important to me and I am thankful to God to label you as my brothers and sisters, while we might not hang out a lot of the time because of where we are located, I still care deeply for the lot of you.

I have brothers and sisters I haven't met IRL; sure we talk/email/IM/etc, I have yet to meet some of you but give me time and dinero, I shall with you if you want me to.

Much love to y'all
[n][v]

We're all odd and we're all negative..

We're all odd and we're all negative,
we're the Fantastic Four
I - Writer
Hannah - Artist
Abbey - Athlete
Charity - Musician
We're the Royal Tenenbaums too,
we're dark and we have secrets.
We are leaders, we will follow if we need to,
we smile and we mean it,
we pursue our dreams and goals relentlessly,
we will be better than THEY were,
we will make an impact, we will be where we are needed,
we will tell you it is like it is,
we will strive to make this world a better place.
You will never be able to stop us,
we are stronger and better than you can image.
World 0, Us 4
Game over, you lose.

[n][v]

"It is well with my soul"

Today worship and the message at The Warehouse was rocking! If you were there you caught Stephen on the drums and Benjie on the guitar and Jeremy (?) on the bass. Well they busted out an oldie-but-a-goody, one of my old favorites back in my days of pews and sermons that seemed to go on forever...well anyway, I dig that song, and as of late I have new areas in my life that I can truly say "It is well with my soul."

Over the last few weeks, talking it out to God and praying for release...well, I got it. For the longest time I had a hard time giving up my past relationship, the one where I was once engaged, to God. I mean, I could give him SOME of it, but some areas I was all "Thanks for your help God, but in this area, I can handle it" and I knew it was a lie and God knew it was lie, I could not release her completely from my heart.

Well I finally 'fessed up to God (but he knew the truth of the matter already) and said "Father God, I cannot do this on my own, my heart still has some shapnel from that relationship, and I cannot move forward until you remove the rest of it from me."

And,
well,
I got what I prayed for. :)

I am over my ex fiancee and I am ready to start connecting with ladies again, getting to know them, pursuing another relationship and all that pertains to relationships of this kind. I will take it slow, cautious, but not cautious as in worry that I might get screwed again, but I think that relationships can be delicate and really shouldn't be rushed. I will BE who I am, but I am not going to wear my heart on my sleeve, in time I will to "her" (referring to whomever I date next), but it's a process.

Anyway, this facet of my life I can say out loud that "It is well, it is well with my soul."

To release the pain and agony up to God, the shapnel that was in my heart, to lay it at the foot of the cross at cry out to God to help me from that which hurts me emotionally. To not give God SOME of what hurts me in this area, but to give it ALL to Him, to surrender it to him and to find comfort in His arms of love.

[n][v]

Love shocking and humbling: How a little girl warmed my heart today

As church was starting at The Warehouse, and as I was getting ready to get my praise on, a little girl who was being held by her grandmother made eye contact with me.

"Up Up!"

What? I thought to myself.

"Up Up!"

Now her grandmother noticed this, that her granddaughter wanted to leave her arms and wanted to be held by me, a complete stranger.

Now I have never seen this little girl let alone hold her, but she entered my arms trusting me from the start. She sang and talked (I reckon she was 10-12 months old), she even extended her little hand when I extended mine to pray over a few people.
In the 30-40 minutes of holding her safely in my arm, I was shocked and touched by her love; who but young children love so easily, who leave the arms of grandmothers and make their way into the arms of strangers? I was shocked and humbled by her love, it warmed me to my very core.

***

It's been a while since I've been in love, it's been a little longer still that I have held a little child in my arms. Yet safely and securely this little girl was in my arms, and I can't help but think about how God is my Father in Heaven, and how he holds me safely and securely in my arms. I trust in Him, I trust in Him when I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, I trust in Him when all of life's shit has hit the fan. I am learning to let go of things completely, to move forward, to know that I have loved before and I will love someone again.

***

Well the little girl stayed in my arms for most of the service, when her grandmother asked her if she wanted to be held again in the arms of familiarity, the little girl resisted! I was shocked again, but this time by the girl's desire to stay in MY arms over her grandmothers.

That pretty much made my Sunday, to feel the warmth of someone loving me :)

Here's hoping that next Sunday I formally introduce myself to the grandmother, they left the service early before I could make small talk.

[n][v]

Who are the "Least of These"?

I'm rethinking my view on who this applies to, because maybe you (and definitely I) thought "the Least of These" were the guys and gals who were down on their luck, the homeless, the starving and related, right? Well...maybe not.

On Saturday night I hung out with a friend and his friends in downtown Naperville, dining at the awesome Ted's Montana Grill. Afterwards we just walked around the downtown area, talking and relaxing, it was near the end of our walking when we met Doug.

Doug was dressed in formal attire; it was evident he had a few too many to drink, his language was slurred and his wife made sure to take the car keys from him as he decided to talk to us for a while. He went on to talk about how he remembers when he was our age, it came across as a drunken spiel, but the heart of the matter was that even in his booze fueled nostalgic moment, something was missing in his life.

So maybe being the least of these actually has to do more with depravity or the absence of something or someone bigger in one's life, whether cognitively recognized or not, perhaps that makes someone the least of these.
As a result, my ideas as who the least of these are has expanded, yet I think for people who are in the same boat as Doug we overlook them because either they hide it well or they're the kind of characters that come out on the weekends only.
So I guess I will continue to help out the least of these, to which some hide their problems better while others wear it on their sleeves.

Friday Night's Lucid Dream: Youth group retreat 747 jumbo jet

Last night I dreamt that I was invited to go with my wife to help chaperone with a youth ministry retreat with The Orchard headed to London. Apparently after some pretty large donations given to the church, the youth group had their own Youth Ministry retreat 747 jet (you've heard of vans used for youth group retreats, well same concept but in jet form)!

I boarded with my wife, found a place for my stuff and buckled in. Taylor and Chris were seated ahead of me, but Sarah, Dan, Alex, Ben and Anna were also on this flight. There was no flight attendants, so the captain just went over protocol as well as instructions; how to buckle the seats, what to do in case of an emergency, et al.

From the get go it was a fun trip; there was a lot of music playing (mostly Kings of Leon), some of the youth brought hair dye and so they approached Ben and asked him if they could dye his hair black, he declined, so they made their way to me and I accepted, figuring it's only hair.

Well after I got my hair dyed, I snuck back, I made my way to the seats behind where my wife and I were sitting, to surprise her with my newly dyed hair and just to observe her. I found her sitting and singing along to True Love Way and then I decided I wouldn’t scare her. Instead of sitting right back down, I made my way to the cockpit and knocked on the door, the copilot opened the door and I started making casual conversation as I watched the flight from their view, Great day for flying to London the captain said, Great day indeed.

Post Dream Observations

Besides being quite ridiculous (youth retreat 747 airline jet?), I never saw the face of my wife, I only heard her singing in a southern belle drawl. :)

[n][v]

My stance on being Pro Life

Now this might get under your skin, but keep in mind I rock the boat, I like to think for myself. So as I like to think for myself, here's my take and stance on being Pro Life.

For me being Pro Life doesn't have a starting point or an ending point. I don't limit myself to saying "I am Pro Life for unborn babies and their moms", I DO say that...but I continue on down the line;
- I am Pro Life for those locked up in jail serving life sentences and who are on death row
- I am Pro Life for our soldiers who are fighting, but I am also for the ones who are fighting back
- I am Pro Life for the ones the world loves to hate
- I am Pro Life for the ones some Christians choose to hate

Pro Life means for life, it should not be asterisked, it should not be limited, it should be for ALL life.

It does irk people when I raise the question "are you Pro Life?" Because in some of the circles I tread that's as much as a given as if I were to ask "is the Pope catholic?" Yet I take it a bit further and ask people to define what their stance is, and much to my chagrin it is limited instead of unlimited.

Why must so many people make boxes in which to compartmentalize who should live and who shouldn't? Are we not ALL Imago Dei's (Images of God)? Who are we to end life and call it just?

It irritates me (which either shows on my face or through my following words to said person) when people make the claim to be Pro Life.

Be Pro Life,
Be Pro Life for ALL of those who are made in His likeness.

[n][v]

My life is not like a sitcom

I don't don a happy face 24-7,
I don't have arguments which get resolved after 30 minutes with some moral lesson learned,
I don't have "serious" problems such as getting my bike stolen or that I won't be able to go vacation because it conflicts with something going on with a friend of mine...

I could go on, but what's the point?





I am reminded of the haunting lyrics of It's Sick by Daniel Amos:

"Our trial is which car to buy
Temptation is that extra dessert
In the land of orange juice
You're better off with the right kind of shirt"

To me it points at a utopian society that has its priorities out of wack, that the supposed problems the characters in shows have somehow reflect ours as a society...but it is bullshit! No one really has it as "good" as TV sitcom families do, why do they sell us visions of something that will never become reality? Why do they show us a life that will never be? Why do they tidy up and compartmentalize everything?

Apart from the fact it sells.

It sells, it sells, God knows it it sells. To have and to hold a flickering flame of the ideal American dream if only for a moment SELLS, it's why I am disenchanted too much of the time, to which King Solomon beat me to the punch in Ecclesiastes where he's constantly describing how it is "meaningless meaningless, everything is meaningless, a chasing after the wind."
I don't know any longer if I should stay or should I go, do I pack up my bags and say "see ya" to America or do I help out when the bottom of all bottoms falls through?

I know I diverged from my initial statement, but I knew that I would end up back over here with my rant about the so-called "American Dream". I'll get back on this subject another day, okay?

Anyways...

Yeah, so my life isn't a sitcom, I have pain and I have suffering, some my own and some in the lives of people around me. I don't always learn the lesson, heck I have a knack for learning things the hard way, it hurts to learn things this way and if you can avoid the pain and turmoil, DO IT!

I have rough times ahead of me and I have rough times behind, but all the while God is pulling me closer to Him and I have to get close. I don't do this out of "for the Bible tells me so" but because He is God, He is the maker of EVERYTHING, He is the changeless unbound-by-time-for-He-created-time Father whom I love very much. He watches me and guides me, my cup doth overflow! ;)

I can get by, I can survive another day to sing His praises, I can do this in the midst of all my pain and suffering.
My life can be downright shitty at times, but God is good, why do I need to worry when he is in control of everything? No sitcom life for me, no thanks, I rather trust and believe in God to sustain me and to help me to make it all the way to the finish line.

Looking back retrospectively from an introspective lens: Living for Christ, Dying for Christ and me.

I was thinking about this before I went to bed, and all I can do is thank God I didn't dwell on it TOO much because I easily could.
I'm a very introspective extroverted person and sometimes I'm not good at quick draw, think-on-your-feet scenarios, but I am getting better at it. This being said, the following thoughts come from introspective thinking, they're not something I copied and pasted in a deadline rush, they've been marinating in my head for a while...

I recall my younger years, particularly around the age of 16 of 17, a great deal of my reading material at that time were the books Jesus Freak 1 & 2, kind of a modern easier-to-read Fox's Book of Martyrs. As I read the book I was inspired, but in some freaky self-centered way I was inspired for the wrong reasons...





The allure of DYING for Christ was something that was on my mind most of the time. It wasn't a "how cool would it be to be burned out the stake while singing Psalms to God" kinda thing, but in all honesty it was in some ways.
I thought about how my death might influence others to live for Christ, how maybe it would be something that would get a lot of press and so wherever I was when I was martyred would be changed on a national level, and yet...
All of my reasons were about ME and not about God, they were about how I could reap the benefits of martyrdom post mortem, it was more about my glory instead of God's.

I rationalize that it my mindset then was screwy, I was depressed and felt lonely and that no one could relate to me or what I was going on in my family (I found out that wasn't so, but at the time it felt like it was Me VS. The World). I look back at my writings of them and it is almost like a Christianese suicide letter which freaks me out even though I still write dark and haunting things, but that's because I was trying to DIE for Christ then and now I am LIVING for Christ.

Another facet to all of this is that I wanted to take the easy way out, dying for Christ is easier than living for Christ. Sometimes living for Christ IS dying for Christ, but for us who aren't exposed to persecution on a day-to-day basis, we really can't grasp getting killed for our faith. Those people who are going through persecution are living for Christ but they are aware that death might very much be a possibility in their walk with God, they live for Him and they're reading to die for Him, but for the rest of us our mindsets aren't there.

Living for Christ takes time, being in community with other believers, growing in God's word, talking to him aka Prayer, etc... It's a lot of "work" but it is work we shouldn't view as such, they are tasks that we should be and do willingly and we should take what we know and share it with others.

Living for Christ isn't something that has a deadline, a "to be done by *insert date here" event, it is an ongoing process because there is always something to be learned or relearned, it's awesome! I love to learn and this past summer has been a time of much learning of spiritual practices and such, I'm moving forward in my living for Christ, I was feeling like a stunted plant for the longest time ;) But I am growing and I am seeing some fruit grow :)

Living for Christ is for us who have Christ living within us! Let us keep on running this race that is before us, step by step, till we cross the finish line.

Nostalgia can be a pain in the ass sometimes...

The other day I decided to go traipsing in my neighborhood down by the tracks, with my headphones on with Thousand Foot Krutch and Mute Math's new tunes blaring, I was having a pretty good time.

I like walking along the tracks, which are rarely used at all and even rarer are they used on the weekend, it's an interesting way to get around. Anyway, I was just minding my own business when I decided to cut back to my house. From the tracks to where I was and to the way back to my house wasn't far, but on my way back to my house I did notice something that brought back memories:








"Free Concord Grapes", 6 boxes full of this delicious fruit, free for the taking...good times. After I sampled a bunch or two, nostaligia kicked in and it kicked my ass.

At the house I lived at before the one I'm at now we used to have a sizeable backyard for us 4 kids to have fun in, and at the end of our backyard was, you guessed it, concord grape vines and grapes. Whether it was just running back and forth, picking pussywillow buds in the spring, playing in the sandbox, drinking alcohol with one of my sisters...all these memories and more came flooding back to me.

I miss my old house, but actually I miss my younger self; when I was naive to what was happening to my family, when I was full of childlike wonder and mystery, when my grandfather Eddy whom I still miss was alive... It was also in that time a lot of shit hit the fan that was unbeknownst to me, a lot of bad occurred and I was unaware of it all, I guess I was too young to actually grasp what was happening in and to my family.
I DO thank God for all the memories I have been able to retain over the years, who knows I might take on the role of the family historian someday (I do love history).
Nostalgia's a pain in the ass because how memories work; we don't have single memories, so much of what we remember is tied to some other memory which is tied to another memory and soforth...

All this to say that I am glad for the times God gave me back then and the times he's giving me now, but sometimes I just wish I could retain the good without the bad.

[n][v]

P.S. I was looking up the origin of the word "Nostalgia" and it is a word that actually comes from a Greek and Homeric compounded word. There's nóstos which means returning home and álgos which refers to pain or ache, so Nostalgia's the ache or pain of returning home. Just a little tidbit on that word's origin, I dig it.

Aggressive much? Passive-Aggressive not so much?

I think when I was born I didn't come out like other babies did; in place of just coming out of my mother's womb I am sure I was aggressive even then and so I probably punched my way out, heck I might have even been the one to tie my own umblical cord.

Hi, my name is Nathanael, I'm aggressive much and passive-aggressive...not so much.

Lately my aggressive nature has gotten me in "trouble", I say trouble with quotes because it wasn't really trouble, but more like me speaking out in truth (albeit without love) on some things that are going on within my household, and as a result my father has verbally shat all over me, great imagery right?

I aimed to keep my cool, but once he started giving me the "but...but" answers, I had enough, stop shifting the blame off of yourself and on to me! If you're at fault and you know it, grow some balls and admit it!
It hurts my heart and my mind to be the one picked on, even at my age of 25 I can't take it when people are being picked or even I'm the one who's being picked on. I cannot let laying dogs lie, especially if they've been there rotting away on the ground for a while now.

So why does it seem like I am airing my dirty laundry online and not real life with others? Well I have and those who do know my plight have been kind, loving and supporting. I say it here as well because it is stuff that is bottled up inside of me STILL, and while I don't see a counselor, writing is about as helpful as it gets for me (outside of praying and pouring my heart out to God on all this).

I recognize that if I were Passive-Aggressive in my trials and tribulations, ALL of this would be gone, I wouldn't have to deal with a father who only opens his mouth to bring me down, who treats me less than human at times, et al.
If I shut up and let what happens in my house happen, then maybe he and I would "get along", because no conflict and no strife equals no problems, right? WRONG!

Yet through all these rocky times that I have gone through and am going through, I am trusting in God and praying for it to end. Maybe it won't end while I'm still here, maybe the restoring power of God will happen when I'm long gone out of this house, and I do pray that God willing it will happen in such a timeframe! I also pray for him, as much as I want Romans 12:21 to send shapnel into him, I pray to God that even if I don't love the guy, that I will still try to return evil with good, to OVERCOME evil with good :)
It does me well to pray to my Father God, He hears me and he knows me through and through. He knows I will speak out on behalf of the enjustices I see in the world around me, perhaps this is training ground for harsher conditions? God only knows, and I trust Him for those times if they come but also now time.

I will not be quiet, I will not become Passive-Aggressive. Even though it costs me dearly, it would cost me more if I just let things go (that shouldn't be let go) in silence.

I love talking to strangers: Ezra

While I was in Chicago the other day, I was just chilling on a picnic bench near "The Bean". I could have taken photographs, but it was more interesting to people watch:

- I spied 4 different wedding groups
- I listened in on 5 different foreign language conversations
- I saw people who had better cameras than my own, and I cried (jk)
- I saw little kids being hugged by grandparents
- I saw people of many different nations gathered...

Anyway, I watched and listened on, and then I met Ezra.

Ezra was the guy who was sitting across from where I was at, in a moment of spontaneity and curiousity, I asked the guy (Ezra) across from me how he was doing. Ezra was loud from the getgo! He shared how he was fine and how nice it was in Chicago. I agreed with him and then we started making jokes about the wedding groups we were watching, we both wanted the brides to toss us their bouquets instead of the garter belts, just casual and amusing jokes like that.
Ezra then went into detail about his name, how Ezra was a minor prophet from the Old Testament and pretty much every other aspect about Ezra! "Wow" I kept thinking to myself "he knows it well!" I'm not sure if his knowledge of the Bible was head knowledge or heart knowledge, but God knows where he's at nonetheless.
I started talking to him about my recent travels down to Nashville, he seemed interested more about my journey there than actually what I did there. He went off on a tangent about Georgia and out of nowhere he just started belting out "Georgia on my mind" by Ray Charles...this, among other verbal loudness made people move away from him and I, but still I stuck with him and conversed with him.

When I had to go I wished him a good day, he gripped my hand tightly and gave it a good shake, and off I went and Ezra went back to watching people at The Bean. All in all, I enjoyed my conversation with a stranger.

***

We're all strangers from the getgo, but when we cross the bridge of relationships, the move from stranger to friend occurs. I enjoy being intentional/relational with those around me, not just friends but strangers and given invested time those strangers become friends to me :)

An open apology to the body of believers in Christ

I am sorry for those times you ask me "how are you doing" and I offer up a "fine" or "good" answer. I, in my cowardice, feel out of place sometimes when you (I'm writing to the whole, so I'm speaking as to the whole) ask me this question because one or more of the following;

1) Do you REALLY care about how I am doing?
2) Do you want the truth or do you want a FINE or GOOD answer?
3) How do I know what I say won't be gossiped about behind my back? Or how do I know it won't be shared and people will look at me with contempt as being "that guy"?

I have been burned by you all time and time again, but my focus isn't so much on you but rather on God. I pray to Him and talk to Him on a daily basis, like it was mentioned in my church today "communication builds relationships", I guess I don't have a relationship with as many of you as I would like...but I am getting there!

Please body of believers in Christ hear my apology, hear that I don't mean to give you the fake shitty answers, it is just a reflex after getting hurt from the past. I'm kinda shy and I'm kinda under the "once bitten twice shy" umbrella though my bites have been more than once, I'm still shy but I still try.

I'm reaching out to you, not all of you, but those of you who pose this question but follow it up with REALLY. I know some of you truly care for me and my welfare and you truly want to know, so I offer a truce and suggestion:

If you ask I will earnestly tell you the truth, but in return I ask that you mean what you're asking, truly mean the words that come out of your mouth as well as your heart. Human beings have the potential to love and destroy with the same mouth, love me, don't destroy me with your callous words, would you want that to be done unto you?

I will be real/authentic, it won't be pink pastel pretty but sometimes it will be rough around the edges and gritty, you have to accept that sometimes LIFE HAPPENS and it isn't good, but you know what? God is.

God is still good in my days where I feel like staying in bed all day,
God is still good when Fuck comes out of my mouth more than Love,
God is still good when I don't hear one encouraging word from another person in a day,
God is still good when I break down in tears and frustration because of events I cannot control and cannot get over the feeling of feeling so powerless...

Anyway, God remains good in all things. I will try my damndest to be real with you if you truly mean what you say and say what you mean.

Thanks, I love all of you.

Shout at the Devil: Doesn't anyone do that any more? Personal thoughts about Spiritual Warfare

Some of this stems from what a few bro's and I were joking about what I should fill under OCCUPATION (to which I wrote Demon Hunter - Full Time), some of it also stems from Jehovah Witnesses visiting my house again today in which I discussed Spiritual Warfare with them, they left kinda shocked that I cast out demons and that I call upon the name of GOD to rid satan and his minions from places and people... I'm shocked too, doesn't anyone cast out demons any more?

I recall my first time evoking the name of God in which I pissed off satan; I was at the Brookfield Zoo when I was 5 and I was over at the lions cage, I started quoting 1 Peter 5:8

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

As I was doing this, a woman who was possessed by a demon or more got angry, she sneered and shook, I could visibly see I wasn't looking at her but rather that which controlled her and it wasn't good.

These days I still cast out demons, from people's lives and places which seem to be saturated with the prsence of the evil one. I rebuke them and cry out "In the name of God I command you to _____________."
To which they do flee and go elsewhere for a while...

***

Jehovah Witnesses have come to my house lately, their time at my house last week was to find out what I believed and to try to witness to me from what they believe, today they visited again to discuss spiritual warfare with me. While I didn't aim to come across as nonchalant about spiritual warfare, the woman who led this conversation with me seemed kinda shocked that I do this, in retrospect I am shocked that maybe she doesn't do this.

So now I am wondering does anyone call upon the name of God to cast out demons or the devil himself besides me? Does anyone recognize his presence in people and places and just cry out "In the name of God I command you to leave this person/place"?

[n][v]

I tweet therefore I am(?)

Descartes said:

I think therefore I am..

I say:

I tweet threfore I am(?)...

But I do leave it as a question; am I truly what I tweet? Am I truly wrap-upable in 140 characters or less?

Well...Yes AND No.

To the few that actually follow me on Twitter (which is not open to everyone) I might seem bipolar; I am using words that aren't part of everyday vocabulary (unless you're a sailor or you're, well, me) and I offer up TweetPrayers, Father God...and 130 characters of praise or concern, prayer but in tweet form.

But, while that is me in a nutshell, I am not contained to the nut. For as you get to know me I am pretty "out there" will a bunch of my passions; people, Youth Ministry, communal/intentional/relational ministry, social justice, photography and cars to name a few.

Just so I don't throw you for a loop if I happen to meet you and you ask me some questions, I won't shy away, but being blessed with being extroverted and very introspective, I might take some time pondering and thinking out my answer (I look inside before I answer). I'm not socially shy, but I want to make whatever I say count for that which really does require some thinking about.

I am those 140 characters, but I am so much more.

[n][v]

Looking back retrospectively from an introspective lens: Living for Christ, Dying for Christ and me.

I was thinking about this before I went to bed, and all I can do is thank God I didn't dwell on it TOO much because I easily could.
I'm a very introspective extroverted person and sometimes I'm not good at quick draw, think-on-your-feet scenarios, but I am getting better at it. This being said, the following thoughts come from introspective thinking, they're not something I copied and pasted in a deadline rush, they've been marinating in my head for a while...

I recall my younger years, particularly around the age of 16 of 17, a great deal of my reading material at that time were the books Jesus Freak 1 & 2, kind of a modern easier-to-read Fox's Book of Martyrs. As I read the book I was inspired, but in some freaky self-centered way I was inspired for the wrong reasons...

The allure of DYING for Christ was something that was on my mind most of the time. It wasn't a "how cool would it be to be burned out the stake while singing Psalms to God" kinda thing, but in all honesty it was in some ways.
I thought about how my death might influence others to live for Christ, how maybe it would be something that would get a lot of press and so wherever I was when I was martyred would be changed on a national level, and yet...
All of my reasons were about ME and not about God, they were about how I could reap the benefits of martyrdom post mortem, it was more about my glory instead of God's.

I rationalize that it my mindset then was screwy, I was depressed and felt lonely and that no one could relate to me or what I was going on in my family (I found out that wasn't so, but at the time it felt like it was Me VS. The World). I look back at my writings of them and it is almost like a Christianese suicide letter which freaks me out even though I still write dark and haunting things, but that's because I was trying to DIE for Christ then and now I am LIVING for Christ.

Another facet to all of this is that I wanted to take the easy way out, dying for Christ is easier than living for Christ. Sometimes living for Christ IS dying for Christ, but for us who aren't exposed to persecution on a day-to-day basis, we really can't grasp getting killed for our faith. Those people who are going through persecution are living for Christ but they are aware that death might very much be a possibility in their walk with God, they live for Him and they're reading to die for Him, but for the rest of us our mindsets aren't there.

Living for Christ takes time, being in community with other believers, growing in God's word, talking to him aka Prayer, etc... It's a lot of "work" but it is work we shouldn't view as such, they are tasks that we should be and do willingly and we should take what we know and share it with others.

Living for Christ isn't something that has a deadline, a "to be done by *insert date here" event, it is an ongoing process because there is always something to be learned or relearned, it's awesome! I love to learn and this past summer has been a time of much learning of spiritual practices and such, I'm moving forward in my living for Christ, I was feeling like a stunted plant for the longest time ;) But I am growing and I am seeing some fruit grow :)

Living for Christ is for us who have Christ living within us! Let us keep on running this race that is before us, step by step, till we cross the finish line.

Nostalgia can be a pain in the ass sometimes...

The other day I decided to go traipsing in my neighborhood down by the tracks, with my headphones on with Thousand Foot Krutch and Mute Math's new tunes blaring, I was having a pretty good time.

I like walking along the tracks, which are rarely used at all and even rarer are they used on the weekend, it's an interesting way to get around. Anyway, I was just minding my own business when I decided to cut back to my house. From the tracks to where I was and to the way back to my house wasn't far, but on my way back to my house I did notice something that brought back memories.

"Free Concord Grapes", 6 boxes full of this delicious fruit, free for the taking...good times. After I sampled a bunch or two, nostaligia kicked in and it kicked my ass.

At the house I lived at before the one I'm at now we used to have a sizeable backyard for us 4 kids to have fun in, and at the end of our backyard was, you guessed it, concord grape vines and grapes. Whether it was just running back and forth, picking pussywillow buds in the spring, playing in the sandbox, drinking alcohol with one of my sisters...all these memories and more came flooding back to me.

I miss my old house, but actually I miss my younger self; when I was naive to what was happening to my family, when I was full of childlike wonder and mystery, when my grandfather Eddy whom I still miss was alive... It was also in that time a lot of shit hit the fan that was unbeknownst to me, a lot of bad occurred and I was unaware of it all, I guess I was too young to actually grasp what was happening in and to my family.
I DO thank God for all the memories I have been able to retain over the years, who knows I might take on the role of the family historian someday (I do love history).
Nostalgia's a pain in the ass because how memories work; we don't have single memories, so much of what we remember is tied to some other memory which is tied to another memory and soforth...

All this to say that I am glad for the times God gave me back then and the times he's giving me now, but sometimes I just wish I could retain the good without the bad.

[n][v]

P.S. I was looking up the origin of the word "Nostalgia" and it is a word that actually comes from a Greek and Homeric compounded word. There's nóstos which means returning home and álgos which refers to pain or ache, so Nostalgia's the ache or pain of returning home. Just a little tidbit on that word's origin, I dig it.

I love talking to strangers: Ezra

While I was in Chicago the other day, I was just chilling on a picnic bench near "The Bean". I could have taken photographs, but it was more interesting to people watch:

- I spied 4 different wedding groups
- I listened in on 5 different foreign language conversations
- I saw people who had better cameras than my own, and I cried (jk)
- I saw little kids being hugged by grandparents
- I saw people of many different nations gathered...

Anyway, I watched and listened on, and then I met Ezra.

Ezra was the guy who was sitting across from where I was at, in a moment of spontaneity and curiousity, I asked the guy (Ezra) across from me how he was doing. Ezra was loud from the getgo! He shared how he was fine and how nice it was in Chicago. I agreed with him and then we started making jokes about the wedding groups we were watching, we both wanted the brides to toss us their bouquets instead of the garter belts, just casual and amusing jokes like that.
Ezra then went into detail about his name, how Ezra was a minor prophet from the Old Testament and pretty much every other aspect about Ezra! "Wow" I kept thinking to myself "he knows it well!" I'm not sure if his knowledge of the Bible was head knowledge or heart knowledge, but God knows where he's at nonetheless.
I started talking to him about my recent travels down to Nashville, he seemed interested more about my journey there than actually what I did there. He went off on a tangent about Georgia and out of nowhere he just started belting out "Georgia on my mind" by Ray Charles...this, among other verbal loudness made people move away from him and I, but still I stuck with him and conversed with him.

When I had to go I wished him a good day, he gripped my hand tightly and gave it a good shake, and off I went and Ezra went back to watching people at The Bean. All in all, I enjoyed my conversation with a stranger.

***

We're all strangers from the getgo, but when we cross the bridge of relationships, the move from stranger to friend occurs. I enjoy being intentional/relational with those around me, not just friends but strangers and given invested time those strangers become friends to me :)

[n][v]

Lessons from the "L" -- Everyone wants to be remembered

I was riding on the "L" from Chicago back to Cicero, just taking photographs and talking to my mom in between. There was a guy who boarded the "L" and from the get go he kinda seemed out of it; maybe it wasn't drugs, but maybe from actions to follow it was because he wanted to be remembered.

I say this because it wasn't too long from the time he boarded the train that he busted out a paint marker and started doing his tag (what us graffiti artists call our signature/etc. to let others know about us, an "I was here....ever so briefly" message).
It was a cool design, I'll give ya that (tho I'm in support of graffiti in legal forms only), but still he defaced property that wasn't his and I bet if he was caught there'd be a lot of money and paperwork to be filled out...anyway, whatever the true reason behind his reason to tag then and there I will never know, but the basis of tagging at times -- to be remembered -- makes a lot of sense to me.

Some of us will have an "original idea" (John Forbes Nash anyone?) in which we do that thing that changes life as we know it and we get acknowledge for it long past our days; Alexander Graham Bell with the Telephone, Henry Ford with a car that was built off an assembly line, Marie Curie discovered Radium etc al... These men and women of old and new did something and they were remembered.

But what about us who don't come up with an original idea? What about us who live the life of a 9-5er, a punch-in and punch-out live-for-the-weekend kinda life? What about them...what about us?
For us it is to do what we can with the time God has provided for us, even if you don't believe you truly can't say "I will live forever!" in a loud and proud voice, because it is not true, our days are limited. It is about taking the time we're given and using it wisely, because once this time you and I have is gone, it's G-O-N-E, no money can buy one more minute of life.

For me personally, it is the way I live out my life to God's glory though times I stumble and the people I invest time in. The showing-up-when-it's-not-in-traditional-parameters moments, the 'I beat the vicious cycle that has cost my family dearly for the past 4-5 generations', the 'I was there for my wife and kids' -- that is how I want to be remembered, and I'm okay with that!

But sometimes we don't see it that way, we're in the now and we're looking up but we're not necessarily looking forward. We can plan all we want, but God ultimately knows how it is all going to unfold ("For the plans I have for you" Remember?) and His will be done in all things.
So look for ways to be remembered, (notice that I said BE over DO things, yeah that was intentional *wink*) While you go through these great journeys that equals YOUR life, remember that everyone likes to be remembered, everyone counts, so do what you can to make your life and others count!

[n][v]

I wish Romans 12:21 was a bomb

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good"

I wish it was a bomb, and I wish that some people in my life would be at ground zero when it would explode. I wouldn't want them to die, but I would want the shapnel to enter their bodies, to tear through viscera and muscle and to hit them in a vital way. Shapnel that no matter how hard doctors tried they could never remove it all...

The verse says DO not be overcome by EVIL,
but to overcome EVIL with GOOD.

It shouldn't be just read or thought of as a "nice Bible verse", but it should be a way we carry out our actions, it should grip us and hit us where it matters. Let the words hit, let them sink in and strike our hearts, let us be affected and change and live it out with everyone we meet.

[n][v]

8 years looking back

Now that the towers are down,
and as a nation, complacency has settled into our bones.
We wave that "grand old flag" today and on the 4th of July,
out of obligation and tradition...like creasters.

But I don't let it settle in my bones,
I don't waveany flag out of obligation, let alone tradition.
I miss those towers,
but I miss Jeffrey more.
It's not that I value his life above the rest of those who died that day,
but I knew him and not them,
he was my friend.

Go visit your grandma who lives across the street,
come visit my sisters, mom and me
Chase me, play tag, play hide and go seek,
leave for work,
leave again,
leave for the last time.

8 years looking back,
the tears still flow,
the pain still hurts,
I guess I am alive
I AM ALIVE!

[n][v]

If God tells you to do something, you damn well better!

A few Sundays ago I was along the bank of the Fox River with a few friends and some people from other churches of the Aurora and surrounding area, it was 5th Sunday.

I was invited to come out and partake, as a follower of Christ but also as a photographer (it's my thing and I'm getting known for it). I took a few pictures of the worship band as well as the people gathered, when out of the blue one of the people who came to be at a friend's baptism, it was evident that he was distraught as he walked away.

"Go and BE" I heard in my mind and heart, "What?" I pondered internally, "Go and BE" it/He said again, this time I gathered that it was God and so I went to the guy who wandered away from the group.

I sat down next to the guy (Kevin), and I just stayed motionless and silent, not doing or saying, just BEing with him. Observing Kevin from the outside I could see pain; his scarred worn hands, clearly a guy who made his livelihood using them. His eyes were bloodshot, to which I don't know whether they're from crying a lot or perhaps some addiction, but regardless Kevin's condition on the outside grabbed at my heartstrings.

Eventually he spoke, he swore and cursed to the Heavens, crying out to God and telling me about his life all in the same breath. "I don't have a job" he told me a few times, from loud whispers to a scream, "I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING JOB!"
As Kevin shared with me about his on and off relationship with God but also going to church, followed up by his situation involving his girlfriend and her 4 kids...I found more in commonalities with Kevin than differences, after a while he decided to get up and go back to the group, but not till I embraced him.

I embraced him because he needed touch,
I embraced him because he made in the image of God, the one I believe in
I embraced him regardless of his stench, for no stench could keep me from loving Kevin

He walked back to the group, to his friend who was recently baptized, his voice loud and strong regardless of what was going on, it might have had the effect of being rude but I saw it as the tax collector in the temple who beat his breast and cried out to God "have mercy on me a sinner!" Jesus shared this parable to express how the poor will be uplifted and the proud will be humbled, then and there I recognized Kevin being uplifted, Kevin reaching out to someone bigger and better and God reaching back to Kevin...it was beautiful.

Kevin's friends did see it as public interuption, to which they were embarrassed and tried to get him away from our assembly so he would be a "problem" to the rest of us. He ignored them, even to the point of them driving off without him!

After the service some of us prayed for and over Kevin, I offered him a ride back to where he's staying at but he declined, he did thank me for BEing there with him and to listen to what he said. "Anytime Kevin, Anytime" I told him as I embraced him again. He walked off and my gaze stayed with him till he left, all the while my heart in prayer and my eyes welling with tears.

To speak of loving "the least of these" is NOT enough, we need to put our words into actions. God convicted me and I acted on what he told me to do, I am thankful I did, I am thankful I listened to God instead of ignoring him. It would have been easier to shrug off God, but if God calls you to do something, you damn well better.

Love "the least of these" in words AND actions,
BE instead of DO,
Go instead of Stay.

~Nathanael~

God doesn't need our help*

*But he does invite us to be apart of something bigger than ourselves at times, but sometimes he does it on his own WITHOUT us doing anything...

I was reminded of this last Saturday at The Orchard, when we were having our little "meet and greet the person in front of you" time. The person I greeted was actually someone I know, someone who was akin to a boss 6 years back. The guy was a gruff, Army strong, kind of rude and drill sargent-esque. He was still someone who pushed me along, encouraging me but from a "tough" perspective, I absolutely did not like the guy completely.
Getting to know him then a part from the activity I was apart in which he was the boss, he seemed cold and calloused, distant and made sure to keep work at work and regular life separated from the task that was at hand.

When I greeted him on Saturday evening, I saw a glint of excitement in his life, a sense of 'something-in-my-life-has-changed-for-the-better-for him' vibe came over me, be it God or having an intuition of knowing when someone has changed for the better...believe it or not, it brought me to tears, not out of sadness but out of happiness for God moving in this guy.
God did not need me in this situation, he may have used another brother or sister in Christ, but the fact remains he doesn't need our help but he does invite us to be a part of it.

~Nathanael~

Personal Soliloquy (I am strange) part 3

I am strange, let me be
there's nothing wrong with me,
am I a freak for learning to read at the age of 3
is it odd that I sometimes climb trees?
Act my age so I'm told, but what does it mean?
Get the job, socialize and get in the scene?
My route is not defined by what others tell me
I do listen to them, but some can't sell me,
this American dream, the 401K
Would life be really better if I walked this way?
So I love the outdoors, I hike and explore
trying new things and opening new doors,
because within reason I like to test my limit,
I don't fall in line, brainwashed like a dimwit.
I am kind and I'm loving, I've got plenty of grace
but you piss me off I'll be verbal mace,
but it's my differences that bother people even when I'm not trouble
too many people trapped in their conformity bubble,
but what does it come down to, are they full of eNVy
do they secretly wish they could act just like me?
I'm a little off kilter, but I'm not deranged
for I am not "normal" for I am strange.

[n][v]

Personal Soliloquy (I am senstive) part 2

I am sensitive, hear me OUT
this thing called love, I have my doubts
It's not love itself that frights my heart
it's wondering if something starts to grow, will you dart?
Will you run out of the scene and out of my life?
Will you leave me with hurt that cuts like a knife?
I've been down that road and it hurts like Hell
I lose my heart and cannot tell,
where my heart goes and where goes my love
if it doesn't get returned, and to the dust I'm shoved,
I'm discarded, abandoned, no one to care for me
I'm left all alone, no one to offer up a prayer for me
Because internal repair takes a lot of time
and I'm left without reason, let alone rhyme,
So please if you will, take, receive and give
but remember that I am sensitive.

[n][v]

Personal Soliloquy (I am man) part 1

I am man, hear me ROAR
and you might ask, we want more
well I'll tell you this, I'm Mr. Fantastic
Plasticky and Mr. Elastic
I am egotistical and I am proud
I am a loner in this ever growing crowd
But I speak my mind and I do rock the ship
I aim for the heart and I shoot from the hip
I keep you guessin'
and your head I be messin'
is he for real or is he not
is he genuine or is he snot
you ask this of me and it's true
I'm the lovely sky of blue
but here's the thing is this really me?
Is this the one God has says I should be?
Or am I selling myself to you as a label
am I a story, some childish fable?
Am I the Hollywood American dream
Am I calm and collected, do I never scream?
HELL YEAH I scream, at the top of my vox
I am unkosher, uncouth and out of the box,
because I can't stand it when people define me
look at me and start to bind me
with ways they say the ideal guy should be,
but I can't be that way, I'm not sorry
I am who I am, for better or worse
and sometimes I can write this out in verse
I will make you laugh and maybe make you cry
I will be transparent and be real (or at least try)
Don't treat me like trash, I've played that game
and then I come across as someone lame,
and for some of my views well they might be banned,
but I stand in front of you for I am a man.

[n][v]

I hate news*

*Except for when it really is news...

I like to know what is happening in the world around me, whether by picking up and reading the newspaper or by seeing what's on the news stream via Yahoo, but when Yahoo has in bold print KELLY CLARKSON AIRBRUSHED OFF POUNDS FOR MAGAZINE COVER or JON AND KATE PLUS 8 (FILL IN THE BLANK) I just want to pick up my laptop and throw it out the widow.

Seriously folks, that isn't news; kids starving to death of malnutrition, AIDS and Dafur in Africa affect many... That IS news, that is what should capture our hearts and our minds and our attention.

Yet we buy into the false news, it sells and it weighs less on our conscience than having to actually do something about what we read and learn (oh no). I do believe as a human being first and a follower of Christ second, WE need to bring about change to this world, and not entirely from An Inconvenient Truth angle (although going green and using our resources wisely is a good thing), it is about working to help out our brothers and sister human beings in their plight, to help make life for them good and sustainable for them.

Lately I have been doing research as how to tackle Nike shoes for next year, no joke, I have been learning what has been bothering the people of Indonesia, China and Vietnam (where Nike shoes are made). A lot of what I read is that what they need is better treatment from their employers and better pay.

The latter is kind of obvious, that they need more money for what they do (and rightly so), we as a consuming capitalist society (as a nation, but as individuals I suppose) take advantage of our brothers and sisters overseas; don't say that the prices at Walmart or Old Navy are that low out of the kindness of both companies heart's, they are that low because they can do so after ripping off poorer cultures of the world.
God has been nudging me in a direction where I am not consuming as much, but in the wake of not buying what I want I was left with a NOW WHAT remaining in my head. My answer came in the form of talking out some of this with a guy I met in Tennessee, he informed me that a big part of it is reinvesting in the countries and the people to continue what they're doing, but helping them out with better treatment and pay (right on with what the workers of Nike ask for!), to bring about change for an area from the ground level up. He got me thinking and now I am working at what next summer could hold for me to help out where I can.

If I truly want to be a global citizen, if I truly want to reflect God's love outwards to those around me both near and far, I will take notice to news that is really news and find ways to help out where I can. It might not be a case of stepping out of one's comfort zone, but it might just have to mean expanding the size of one's comfort zone. Bringing change is doable, it might cost a lot but the rewards are worth more than one can imagine.
Let's bring about change, let's care for our fellow man. Let us get concerned about news and events that really matters in the long haul.

[n][v]

I fell in like at first sight

While I was in Nashville I met a girl while I was out there, she and I fell in like at first sight.

By this I mean there was a connection between her and me from the get go, she and I discussed our passions, plans for the future, India (this was a biggie, I love the country/culture/food/peoples/etc), the way God is working in our lives...

We talked for nearly two hours and it was awesome, she is one cool girl I won't ever see again unless we work out something via facebook, but even if I never see Lillianne again I will say it was awesome and has inspired me to invest more in future relationships with girls and to find my June.

By "finding my June" I mean as in June Cash, Johnny's wife, if you don't know much about them I suggest doing some research and watching Walk the Line afterwards...

It wasn't love,
It wasn't lust,
It was like at first sight. Pure amazing goodness that made me blush, made her blush and made God smile (I am sure of it).

[n][v]

What God has been teaching me about prayer

In a way, God answered one of my prayers this past week. My friend who is a practicing Muslim came to my church this past week, for the 20somethings group that meets every other Tuesday. I have never tried to "convert" her, but rather share the Gospel message in a relational way, I believe in sharing the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words (ala St. Francis of Assisi).

Yet did my prayer of God to move in my friend occur overnight? By no means! Our friendship is about 6 years young and from the start we seemed well aware of the others belief systems and we broke down some walls along the way (mostly the extremist sides to Islam and the extremist sides of Christianity).


God spoke revelation to my life about prayer, and this is how it all came together in a divine "Eureka" moment:

There are times when we come to God with our prayers and petitions, we pray to God and we off him "bamboo prayers". By bamboo prayers I mean that we want to see results that spring up very quickly (bamboo is a quick growing grass), we want God's timeframe to match our timeframe.
Granted God sometimes answers our prayers in a very timely matter, we get what we ask for with a Yes/No/Wait answer quickly... and yet sometimes...

And sometimes we need to be persistant, sometimes we have to have the patience to wait on God and his timeframe over ours, we need to pray "sequoia prayers". Sequoias are massive trees! Yet they didn't get that way nearly as quickly as bamboo, they've taken literally hundreds of years to get that large. In the same way, sometimes we need to pray a long time before we see results. We should pray earnestly and never for reasons "because I have to" or "this is what I am doing" because it isn't us, it is God working through us, it is God's doing.

This is what God has revealed to me about Prayer. Prayer should be a continuous process that flows out of us, we might see results right away but sometimes it takes time. In all things, pray!

[n][v]

Sexual Education - Am I setting a double standard?

Lately I have been thinking about the future eduation of my future children pertaining to sex. I am thinking this over now so that when the time comes I might have a better answer to give...

I am a virgin, it is not a religious thing, it is not a because-God-told-me-to thing, but in my opinion I find that sex will be best between me and my future wife, to her I will give my virginity. Now if I marry someone who isn't a virgin, I am fine with that, but from a personal standpoint I am waiting.

Yet when I think about how I will go about teaching sex ed to my kids, some things come to mind:

- I will teach my kids the very basics at a younger age than I
- I want to open and honest where I can be with my kids pertaining to sex and sexualty
- When they're of age, I am considering teaching teaching them both abstinence AND safe[r] sex

The last one has me thinking, am I setting a double standard? Granted my sexual education was vague and somewhat of a joke, but in some ways it was my parents who taught me to save sex for marriage (but it is not their views that I reflect in my sexuality, but my own).
But thinking about kids in this present day and age, and some of the things I struggle and what my future kids might struggle with, I can't help but think that I might approach sex ed from both standpoints -- not as a save-sex-for-marriage-but-if-you-can't standpoint, but faced with sexuality in their own ways, I rather have my kids better prepared by use of different safe[r] sex methods.

I'm sure that some might question What if your daughter gets pregnant? What if your son gets someone pregnant? Yes, this is on my mind as well, and honestly I believe if I set the roots of trust and honesty in a lot of things at an early age, nurturing it like a plant, when kids are older they will remember and what might be deemed awkward might not be too awkward because the plants of trust and hoensty has been constantly nurtured and have grown into awesome plants (my kids in case you got lost in this metaphor).

I want to teach my kids about sexuality, that it is a gift from God, that is an awesome gift and should not be treated cheaply. I don't want to raise kids who run around sleeping with everyone, but if I seem maturity in them, sexual/emotional and even spiritual, I might be more comfortable handing them condoms and birth control than if I never set the groundwork (it has to be set down, but still it is maturity from the groundwork that my wife and I will have to resolve if we should hand them better protection than none).

With abstinence I want it to be something they claim, I don't want them to go about as virgins from a standpoint of that their mom and I told them to. I want it to become they either accept or reject on their own, same thing with being raised in a Christian household, I want what they hear and learn to be something they claim as their own, as the quote goes; "God has no grandchildren". It has to be something they think out and call their own, thinking for oneself is a part of growing up.

Still with all this, but mostly the latter, my wife will have a say in this. I will not go behind my wife and hand out better protection if she says NO in abstinence taught along side safe[r] sex. Yet maybe she will see my point of view and this is how we will teach our kids about sex and sexuality.

[n][v]