Implications for the "straight and narrow"

I am back, but soon I too will leave Judson College for home... but that's besides the point. My blog post has to deal with what I started thinking about 2 weeks ago as I was trying to get some sleep; *note to self* I was trying and yet I was awoken and I started writing and writing... well, you get the picture.

As I was trying to get some sleep in, my mind started thinking about the metaphor of the Straight and Narrow; this being the path that followers of Christ tread, which differs from the path everyone else walks upon. As I thought about it, I started wondering if an opposite road exists, a road that is Crooked and Wide, a road that leads to death and destruction.. For me, I think of the straight and narrow to be a road that followers of Christ walk upon in a single file line, a road that has highs and lows, a road that takes a lifetime to walk upon and yet for those who remain faithful followers of Christ, they neither waiver to the left or to the right as the road does not either.

On the other hand, those who trod upon the crooked and wide, march and stomp, shoulder-to-shoulder like soldiers off to war. This road is twisted beyond belief, and since it is a shoulder-to-shoulder march, it is very self-seeking and serving, a kind of race that everyone is out to win and claim the role of victor... But alas, this road only leads to death.

What a contrast these roads are! The life of a follower of Christ and the life of someone who does not follow- Within this statement I've made, I want to make it clear that there is no alternative, there is no third road to take - Either you follow God or you don't, it is that simple in an ironic way.

The straight and narrow is a long and difficult road, but it is the road that leads to life everlasting, "through many dangers, toils and snares I (being Jesus) have already come - Amazing Grace."
We as followers of Christ can have the strength to carry on, and when we are weak from the journey, He will carry us.

A poem...

Play through me... *I guess this is the poem you write when you're feeling sentimental and down while doing homework and listening to Records/Vinyl/Big CD's...enjoy!*

Lord, play through me,
play through this B Side of a Record,
I have grooves that are worn
and yet I need your needle to play across the scratches.
Make me your song,
your music, your voice-
Let this old record of yours be played over and over without end,
may it never be put in its case and put back on the shelf,
let it be a classic, a tune everyone gets to hear-
May this old record be a gold or platinum,
a tune that gets better with age.
And when the record comes to an end,
may it get its place among the other records of old-
When the tune ends, may the song play on
and be made known by playing it forward,
may it never be known as a backwards message... :)

[n][v]

One down, three to go...

Finals, that is.

Professor Currie's Final for Adolescent Development was good and rather easy in my opinion. Now I just have Missions and Evangelism, New Testament and Hero and Anti-Hero.

Not much going on besides this, oh except for a catlyst/trigger in my life that could mess up some things for the Fall. *sigh* Just pray for me if you would, this item in regards to the Fall could definitely 'domino effect' some other things in my life/school life/ministry life when the next semester starts up...

So, back to the grindstone called Finals!

Chao and God bless,
[n][v]

This morning, I heard one of the best sermons EVER!
I am greatly encouraged by what Walt talked about, it was a message that offers me and other followers of Christ hope...

Walt talked about the 3 in 1, the Trinity, the Godhead- And he talked about how we can learn a lot about we will never know everything that there is to God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit- We enter the shallow end of the pool and yet before we know it, we're in too deep and over our heads. Don't fret about the depth, the water is fine.

Walt shared how God has never has had a beginning and he will never have an end, and even though there was a period where nothing existed, God did exist- and He wasn't alone! Because the 3 in 1 coexisted...

Each of the 3 parts of the Trinity work together, but they are all have different roles, they all have different distinctions from one another. He mentioned that the 3 coexist in a divine dance of sorts, He mentioned this quote by C.S. Lewis: "God is not a static thing ...but a dynamic, pulsating activity, a life, almost a kind of drama. Almost, if you will not think me irreverent, a kind of dance."

Some other key points from Walt's sermon:
*God did not design us humans to be in alone (Genesis 1:27, 2:18)
*We only become fully human in relational community
*Marriage reflects the image of God
*Our sexuality is tied to God's image
*We are not meant to journey alone
**All spiritual growth stems from personal relationships
*Christianity is not a game of solitaire - that is, to be carried out alone.
*The Christian hero is not Robinson Curose

And Walt ended the sermon with a question - How many true "spiritual relationships" do you have?
For me, I can only think of one or two people who I am connected in such a way as this. I am thankful to God for those people and I am glad that it is reciprical - them to me and me to them.

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

I have an itchy trigger finger,
I occasionally aim with the best intentions and sometimes I miss the mark-
I am the grey steel,
the .44 Magnum,
I am the Dirty Harry and yet I am the punk...
I don't need to pull the trigger,
I don't even need to pick up the gun-
this gunfight starts with me
and it will have no winners if I keep shooting.
So I put away my gun with the safety on
and ask that you forgive this son-of-a-gun.
Because I need to stop shooting,
I want to live without all this ammo,
I'll control my gun
and I will do so without a shot being fired.

I would like to make an online apology...

I have already done it in person, so here it goes:

If you read my blogpost from a couple days ago, I was rather pissed because I thought my roommate was being academic dishonest, that is, I thought.
It was brought up last night between me, my roommates and one of the RA's, and my roommate acknowledged that he did not do anything that was academically dishonest...

I feel pain for making my roommate something he wasn't,
I let my feelings, my rant/rave get the better of me
and he (my roommate) wished I addressed the subject with him moreso,
I did, but then again I did it from the 'way we do it' back home, which is a combination of telling someone, but not in a long conversational kind of way.
I won't blame how I was raised, but in some situations if you decided to tell someone the errors of their ways, it was a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" kind of scenario.

I hate confrontation,
and in my zeal to settle this thing (or not settle - rather blog out my frustrations)
I have wronged my roommate,
I have sinned against God and Man-
Stating someone as dishonest and not having facts to lead into that directon, or even talk to my roommate directly ABOUT it.
There's guilt on my heart and it pains me greatly,
I apologized to my roommate, and even though there is only one week of school left
and we'll be roommates again in the Fall, there is a need for sincere and honest healing.

I have come to realize how much of a Christian community it is at Judson,
and when this was addressed in front of one of my RA's, I started thinking
If only the various circles of fellowship of believers was like this
Because this here at Judson, from my perspective would be great to live out in the real world apart from the Judson bubble. In my own family as well, but it is a process...

Another thing I realized is that I need to be careful what I blog,
to rant/rave is one thing, but to blog it for all of Judson and the world to possibly read is another. I guess I've forgotten how public blogging is, even when it seems it's not. I need to be careful with my words, I need to be careful with what I blog.

So, that's all I have to say, except that I am so sorry to my roommate and God for this route of communication that I decided to do, I should have brought it up thoroughly to my roommate, instead of just collect bits and pieces and write it off as a whole truth, again I am sorry and please forgive me for my actions that have taken place on this blog.

*Nathanael*

On a serious note, today marks the 7th anniversary of the Columbine High School shooting in Littleton Colorado. This was the tragedy that took place when two teenage guys by the names of Eric and Dylan went into their high school with guns and explosives and proceeded to kill 12 students and 1 teacher.

This day is a painful one to family, friends, survivors and etc. It also happens to be part of my Christian story...and here it is.

On April 20th 1999, my sisters, mom and I were getting ready to go on a field trip, my mother wanted me to turn on the TV to see what the weather forecast was going to be like. Instead of seeing weather reports, there was live footage of high schoolers running for their lives, fleeing from Columbine High School, where earlier a horrible school shooting took place.
This did not have a huge effect on me until I found out later that there were students who were killed at Columbine because they stated they were followers of Christ. Now up to this point, I was a follower of Christ, but a hidden/quiet/closet type; I kept what I believed to myself and I didn't really give much thought to people and where'd they go if they were to die... that is, Heaven or Hell. After finding out that Rachel Scott and Cassie Bernall died for what I (supposedly) believed, I questioned my heart and what I truly believed.
I started thinking this: If someone was to approach me and ask me with a gun pointed at my head, DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD? How would I respond?

I prayed it over and I talked/prayed to God that I was willing to step forward and be ready for whatever life through my direction, that I too was willing to lay my life down for what I believed as a follower of Christ...

Over the 7 years that have passed, I haven't had a gun pointed at my head to make a point on what I believe, but by no means has it been easy. The hardships that I face vary, but as a follower of Christ, I am ready- If I am questioned if I am a follower of Christ or not, and it's a matter of life and death, I know how to answer and I believe with my whole heart, I am a follower of Christ.

And so 4/20/99 will remain in my heart forever,
even though it will remain a tragedy, God has used it and made it a triumph for me.

[n][v]

This life is my jail,
I am serving out a sentence everyone else does,
because of sin, I am serving time.
Imprisoned from day 1,
imprisoned I will always be-
This life, this sin, this that is not of you
I am in shackles...
You come to my prison cell,
You who hold the key,
You come and grant me release
no parole, I walk out.
I am informed someone has come to take my place,
someone in my stead behind these steel bars,
a replacement for my crimes...
I leave behind these solid walls,
and I walk out a free man.

photos from easter weekend...

can be found at Photobucket

Search NationYell
and look under Easter 06 in Lavalle

Thanks!

To the person who reads my blog who has had a hard life (you know who you are) and a hard past... This poem is for you.

I am sorry,
I didn't know-
Your life is fragile as glass
and
yet you wish it were better,
I'm sorry that it is not...
As a flower blossoms under placid skies and spring sun,
so too your life must have been:
But those days have gone, the sun has set and your skies are now grey
and you're left standing alone and afraid.

What can I say to bring you peace?
what can I do to restore you to your former beauty?
Let me know, let me help...Please?
I am in need of healing myself
and
I want to help you out...
Don't take this to your grave,
you have better years to live,
I will help you if needed,
let me if you will-
I am here to be your friend.

I want to help you,
to bring you back from the grey
and into the blue,
to make this flower wilted restored
to make this broken heart healed...
I care for you...

sheddingXtheXmortalXcoil

As a follower of Christ- I am grasping (albeit at a slow pace) how much we who are ministers (profession wise, not necessarily the Great Commission - the call to all followers of Christ) need to have our spiritual batteries recharged now and then.
For me, I am plugged in spiritually by reading the Bible (now and then), Prayer, Being in Christian fellowship in church and amongst those who are fellow leaders in my Youth Ministry practicum.
Now it is not set in stone yet, but I am thinking of going to a monastery for a couple days after school gets out- A place where I can go, pray, write and read... It would be a bit more quieter than going directly home and finding a place where I can recharge. By no means am I saying that everyone should go to a monastery to reboot, but I am saying that everyone needs to recharge their spiritual batteries... It is God who powers us and Satan loves to drain us.

Recharge and be renewed by God.

shedding^the^mortal^coil

change of tunes...

The song I have selected is Spartan by Five Iron Frenzy... It is ska and I enjoy it, but in case you don't, here's why I selected this piece...

I am, Spartan
close my heart so tight
Jesus
Save me
from myself tonight

This... This is my heart's message; I am my own worst enemy and only by God's strength I can proceed through life.

Short, Simple, Sweet - *sigh* :D
[n][v]

So... Easter weekend or as I rather title this blog I am a procrastinator... at this time.

I left on Thursday an hour later than I expected, but I enjoyed the nice warm weather and talking to friends. When my mother did arrive (I rode up with her), she got some water and we were off!

Traffic... wasn't as bad as initially thought, with a couple of stops along the way, 150+ miles went by quickly. Upon arriving at the Olson's home, we were greeting by my cousins Fred (14), Jason (12) and Cory (11). They were happy to see my mother and I, but they questioned where everyone else was. The rest of my family backed out in some way or another shortly before Thursday, that was disappointing for them, but also for me. Since it was rather late, we couldn't do anything away from their house, so I played several games of PS2 football, motor cross, basketball against my cousins... I was suprised at how badly I schooled them, even though most of the games were new to me! Video games by osmosis? I don't know...We also watched a movie in the evening, King Kong, but since I already saw it *yawn* I left and did some other things... I went to bed early (for on campus standards) and slept well.
I used to get woken up by my cousins at 7-8ish when they were younger, but age has caught up and they [thankfully] sleep in now. When I woke up, they did as well, but shortly after. It was good to be outside in the great outdoors, my cousins and I hiked in the woods on their property and the fields that are above their property as well- We chilled at an old barn, I took photos and told jokes, they seemed to like hanging out in the fields... We went rock climbing as well; but this is due to the rocky bluffs surrounding the areas, and from there we headed back.
We also went to Devils Lake... but later on, that was fun, but I think it was partially disappointing to the boys because they couldn't climb the rocks as we usually do- the ratio isn't 3 to 1 when we do it, and I didn't want it to be as such... So they did a little, but not enough by their standards. It was very nice outside; a pine-scented sanctuary of sorts (how poetic...) and it was good. When we got back, the light was leaving the sky, but my oldest cousin Fred decided to join me on a bike ride down the empty street adjunct to their own, it was fun and I enjoyed watching that sunset... We ate some dinner, in which the boys wanted some of my food- I shared even though I was picked on for still being a vegetarian, but whatever...

Again I watched a movie; I watched 2 Fast 2 Furious with my cousins, I enjoy that movie for the cars only. My cousins enjoy it, but... They were tired and they fell asleep while watching the movie! Shortly after the movie, I caught some shuteye as well.

In the morning I was awakened by Jason who was checking to see if I was asleep, I was, but even in my uncounscious state I felt that I was being observed in some manner, and I was. The 2 youngest cousins - Jason and Cory - went to an Easter egg hunt, which is a tradition of sorts... It has been something we've done for several years now and everytime we go (EVERYTIME!) my cousins are reminded not to beat up the Easter rabbit, because... once they did, and, well, long story or another blog post... My cousins had fun; they met their quota and enjoyed the candy/cookies/etc. We (as a group) came up with alternatives to an Easter rabbit-
*Gary the Easter snake
*Jim the Easter tiger
*Bob the Easter bluegill

We're a creative bunch I tell ya.

From there we headed back...

(more to come, but I feel a wave of productivity, I'm going to catch it before I bury myself deeper...)

[n][v]

Two things come to mind on such a beautiful day... The first is that the weather is nice, birds are singing and flowers are blooming. But regardless of what day it is and what condition the weather is, each day is beautiful in it's own way.
I am a Northerner by birth, ILLINOIS has been my home since I was born, but being born in a warm month does weird things for you, at least for me it does. I simply hate winter/cold through and through, there are only 3 favorite seasons in my book and while people look forward to snowmen, snow angels and other snow related things- I simply dread them and I cannot say I like it here in the wintertime, the Midwest, that is. Several Christmas breaks back, my family and I went to Florida from the 25th of December to the 8th of January: And in my opinion, there is no greater feeling for January than to be on the beach while it is 80+ degrees out and the ocean is available for swimming in.
Now when my family and I arrived back to Illinois on the 8th of January, there was a fifty degree difference from the weather in Florida to that of Illinois! I was so disappointed to be back in the Midwestern wintry weather. The point I am trying to make is that each day is blessed by God, and each day should be treated as such- I wouldn't be the person who complains at God for the weather being cold or something, but I am certain some people would...

The other thing that is on my mind is motorcycles: Now I am a fan of motorcycles in someway's, to feel the breeze and to enjoy that kind of freedom that my car does not allow (unless I choose to put all my windows down). Some people in my class and I were discussing motorcycles and whatnot, and I started thinking... I am a person who likes to use metaphors for various things, it is this part that I like adding to my poetry amongst other things, but here's my two bits about God and Motorcycles.

We as followers of Christ do not live a life that is our own, our lives our God's and we are His instruments. So if we are followers of Christ, shouldn't we be clingers as well? In the sense that Christians should hang on for dear life to God, motorcycles no matter how expert will hang on to their bike for dear life. You may say they cling on, and that's it, but if you loosely hang on to a motorcycle, you have the chance of falling off. We need to hang on to God as if our lives depended on it and our lives do depend on it. He should be our everything, we need to put all of our trust in God- through good times and bad times as well. So those are the metaphorical views of being a follower of Christ and motorcycles.

Following Christ should be a lot like motorcycling, hang on securely and for dear life... He is all that we are and he should be all of who we are.

Prayer is a very important part of my walk with Christ. I pray for many things and many reasons; for petition, for help, for guidance and direction, for other people, for communication, etc. I find that I love talking to my Heavenly Father, He does not seem far or distant, though I admit a while back I was a having a spiritual drought. My spiritual drought came from being immersed in helping out with my church's Jr. Highers, being in fellowship with them and service on Sunday morning, but there was not an outlet for me to plug-in the same way my Jr. Highers could.
I spent a great deal of time in prayer, asking God to be close and dear to me, but even though I was not alone, it sure felt like it at times. I then became connected with my friend from school's church out in Downers Grove and it was what I needed. I also learned more of the Pentecostal movement, her church being charismatic and all. I also learned more about Russian culture, language, etc. Because the church is comprised of a lot of Russian and Belarusian immigrants! It was a wonderful experience and I have found this to be an excellent place for me to recharge spiritually.
God is so good to me.

This is the good life
I've lost everything
I could ever want
And ever dream of
This is the good life
I found everything
I could ever need
Here in Your arms... Good Life by Audio Adrenaline...

As I sit here doing my homework I listen to this song, and I am reminded that losing my life (to Christ) was crazy, different, radical and it was exactly what I needed.
You see, even though I committed my life at a very young age, I did not always walk the line of a follower of Christ; For a while I was discouraged at witnessing to me, lifestyle and otherwise, due to being turned down by some of my neighbors who were catholic... They were not able to join me at a Christian club called AWANA.
To make a long story short, I gave up... I may have been young, but I did not care too much or even at all for the souls of others. At another time I will share of the pain that life threw my way and how God used the pain, the hurt and the many questions I had to his glory...

I lost it all to gain something better, something of eternal value. I have no regrets for following Jesus. Nothing is going to make me walk away from Him.

The God-shaped hole, does it exist? I question this sometimes, in regards to the lives of those who are not His. Because if we are predestined before the world began of whether we will become followers of Christ, would the God-shaped hole throw some other theologies out the window?
This is what I think, not because it is right or wrong, but just to let myself work out some of the details for my benefit before anyone else's, but feel free to add your two cents.

I believe that we are shaped with a unknown desire at the beginning of our lives that there must be something more, there must be something bigger than this life. I am someone who loves watching sunsets and sunrises, I see more of the setting of the sun because I am up at that time, I am no early worm and so I seldom see the sun rise. I am someone who loves the great outdoors; I go camping, hiking, collecting leaves, observe the Heavenly hosts and walking on beaches. I could go on what I like, but the point I want to make is God's handiwork is known in nature, and because of this I could never doubt the existence of God even if I were not a follower of Christ.
Realizing that there is so much to prove God's touch in the world, I think that the God-shaped hole is there, but we as human beings try to cram so much into that hole that it becomes block and we are 'satisfied' and 'happy' and we're doing great... But like a square peg in a circle hole, it doesn't fit well or doesn't fit at all! In the same way, the things we fill into the emptiness of our lives that is not God, it gets clogged and it doesn't fit well. God is the circle peg in the circle hole; He fits perfectly in our lives and we as followers of Christ need to guide those to Him, so that their lives may be filled to overflowing with the life God gives us.

So yes, I do believe we have a God-shaped hole, a hole that can be filled with anything, but only God is the perfect fit.

God is good, and he proved it once again by speaking to my heart and situations in New Testament...

Professor McKeever shared James 4:17 - Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins... After he read this I felt like I was being slapped in the face by my actions and thoughts in regards to people who don't have such a high priority or are not up to par to my standards. I have sinned against my roommates by hating on them for what they do and don't do, I will apologize to them for my actions...

I still will care about what they do and don't do, but not as much.
[n][v]

As this semester comes to an end, I have come to the realization that parts of me wants to have justice where there is none- I want people to act their age and do what is assigned to them... It is frustrating to take on my load and expect people to be at the same bar as I carry myself.
Life is not fair, and I am becoming a bit hardheaded and obstinate, but I am starting to grasp that people will not always do the right thing. I am realizing that and in a fury of self-righteousness, I am letting go. Letting go of the things that people do (but more they don't do) and so I am stating with no remorse... Oh well, if they don't do it, tough for them- It is a bad attitude, I know, but I cannot carry people through life on my coattails, I am not obliged to expect them to do what they don't do, it will be their own fault...

If you would, just pray for me: I am becoming indignant and centered upon myself... I will give people a hand, but not a hand up- The roommates would cop me out on some of my foibles and how I am not a organized/tidy person, I admit to be somewhat sloppy, but I really need to stop looking at the speck in other people's eyes and remove the plank from my own...

Feeling...I don't know what I feel,
[n][v]

2 poems... one old and one new

Sunday Preacher
Sunday Preacher,
One day Preacher,
You with the fake enormous smile,
hiding behind it makes you seem vile,
Sunday Preacher...
You share about God's love,
but they soak it up and buy your bluff,
And isn't it a clever scheme and way,
to share this and live it, but only on Sunday?
You may be a Christian, but so to speak,
I see it on Sunday, just one day of the week.
You know the quote, "practice what you preach"
Do this before you start to teach,
'cause we're all lost sheep who need a master,
God of course, and you as a pastor,
So Sunday Preacher,
One day Preacher-
Be careful of what you do,
because there will be one day, Preacher
and perhaps not on a Sunday, Preacher
that you're life's message may be revealed as untrue.

Body of Christ
I am a part of the Body of Christ
I am apart of the Body of Christ...
We who greet each other
as if we are but Brothers,
why do we hide behind sickled smiles,
facades they set in and all the while,
we see that there is no place,
for different views, ideas and race,
the brokenness of this body, where there should be a whole,
where once was a fire, now lays a cold coal.
All for one and One for all,
this should be our call,
to unite and not to fight,
to bring together and not irritate,
others with trivialities that separate,
We who our followers of God's only Son,
We need to work together as a body of one.

[n][v]

So Missions and Evangelism was rather good today, it usually is, but with a change of teachers... I don't know, but I'm a Sanders Fan!

Talking to Chuck DeRolf, I got the answer to the question in regards to the dysfunction in the body of Christ overseas in Japan; Apparently (which I already knew about Japan) the Buddhist beliefs tied to Japanese culture provide a family/unity feeling... He explained that because of the Western and/or American missionaries who come on their own, come as an individual - it is this that the Japanese pick up and this is one of the things that hinders missionary work in Japan. He told me that the church is growing in Japan, but this is one of the barriers...

I completely understand where he is coming from: Those who are followers of Jesus (including me) have different stances on different views, and because of this, there is a brokenness in the Body of Christ.

I am looking forward to this Easter, because I get to hangout with my cousins... But I've realized (for several years now) that I also dread going up... The catch-22 lies in the relatives outside of my cousins - My Uncle, Aunt and other cousin: Not to speak too ill of those who are family, but, I am worried about the mixed messages given, between my Uncle the days outside of Sunday. You see, He's a pastor, but the way he is prior to Sunday is... well... unPastor like. I sometimes recognize hypocrisy and it really gets to me sometimes, especially when my Uncle is rude to me (when he's around) and on Sunday he puts on his Sunday best... He shakes my hand and smiles like I am worth something to him, but... Because of such actions I dread interacting with that group of family members with the exception of my cousins...

I think I will write a paper of sorts describing the ways I feel about the body of Christ and then in conclusion I will write how I and others who are followers of Jesus can change the flow of this disunity, this dysfunctional lifestyle.

I, for one, am sorry for anything I have done that has caused disunity in the body of Christ - I have differences that are not accepted, and I am sorry if I have not looked past the differences and recognized - Hey! Why I am doing this? This person is a follower of Christ, why should I view them any different.
I need to be more unity-centered with those who are my Brothers and Sisters in Christ.

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

What a wonderful day God has made! It is so nice and even though it is a bit chilly, it is finally Spring!

I decided since Mad World was not working, I'd have a background song...

It is a cover of Daniel Amos - Shedding the Mortal Coil
It's falling off
It's unraveling
It's come undone
It's disintegrating
Shedding the mortal coil
I'm shedding the mortal coil
Shedding the mortal coil
It's out of date
It's unnecessary
It's breaking down
It's all over
Shedding the mortal coil
I'm shedding the mortal coil
Shedding the mortal coil
Watch me now, I'm shedding the mortal coil

It is a rather humorous song that I enjoy because, well... This life is not the end! When I die I will go home to my Heavenly Father forever! So, this life may seem long, but I realize how short it really is.

Enjoy!
and get out if you can.

P.S. www.filelodge.com is the website in which I am playing this song, they allow you to have 500mb of free upload storage space!

back to homework...but only 3 weeks remain in the school semester, which is both exciting and scary at the same time!
[n][v]

Yeah, they're pretty self-explanatory and the second one has been truer than ever with all the things that is occurring in my life and those around me, I look to God- because that is where my strength comes from.
[n][v]

2 things I should have blogged about on Friday:

1) Even though chapel was good, and dare I say... I don't know how to say it in nice terms, this being a reaction from it being Open House for newbie Judsonites-to-be; I was one of those visitors once, I guess I have a different take since I am here and no longer a visitor...
What stuck out to me was the message that pastor delivered; I am one of those people who studies and studies AND studies a bit more, and yet my grades are mediocre and sometimes I am frustrated with myself and the why's that are school-related come out... I feel as I am being treated unjust by the system and that (thought to self) I deserve to get better grades!
I am also that person who is waiting for her and because of that, like the pastor mentioned, my Friday nights are usually spent alone - either homework and/or a movie, but such is life for a single person such as me on campus here at Judson...
I feel I deserve more and better,
and that those who...well... 'play the edges' should be punished by the authorities that be...

That message put such things as I have mentioned into perspective,
thank you God for the cool breeze and slap in the face, I needed both.

2) Chuck DeRolf in Missions and Evangelism - At the end of the class period, he spoke about being a missionary in Japan and one of the major conflicts wasn't a battle of followers of Christ vs. Buddhist/Shinto/Confucianism/other, but it was followers of Christ vs. other followers of Christ! It was sad to hear about such disharmony between people in the SAME GROUP! I go through that sometimes within my church in a few areas, but it is mostly about politics and political parties and other things...
Apparently, I cannot be a follower of Christ if I am not a Republican and/or a Bush supporter (gasp!), to those followers of Christ who have different political views... STOP IT! This should be the least of your worries in regards to what makes (or doesn't make) a follower of Christ. I am not a one-party voter, I vote based on the views and beliefs I stand by; so if I vote Democrat, so be it, I don't care about your opinion if you see this as being 'unChristian.'

And that...
That's it.
Props to people like Justin who share their views, beliefs and other things WITHOUT shouting at me because I have different views than some people have... You know who you are...

I'm gone...for real...bye and God bless!
[n][v]

Out into the world and back into the Judson bubble...

I am out in the real world often enough, but on weekends I am usually here on campus... homework can be such a drag.
Anyway, I went to Mitsuwa for 2 hours or so, it was awesome to pick up buy it to try it items- I am not afraid to try anything new, but I have to be careful what I buy because I am a vegetarian... So I bought some seaweed (oldie, but a goodie) and some green tea and taro pastries... Very different, they are good... I guess, but they each look like fat grubs instead of pastries... Green tea grubs anyone?

I also bought some Pocky, but that is a very common staple for us Gaijin. I also bought some different kind of add-hot-water-and-seal-it-for-3-minute-and-it's-done kind of meals... I had one for lunch and it wasn't that bad; it included some sauces and mustard, it improved the dish greatly, I think that even if you don't like the seasoning in such a meal, use it- It's there for a reason...

I also bought some Nori Hineri Norisuke which translates to Horseradish sticks, not bad, but I got a hankering for Wasabi Peas and they were out!

And I also bought some Green Tea hard candies, no word on this yet, but I am sure they'll be good...

Now I like to try and buy, and I have only bad memory - last time I bought preserved tofu in a can, and it was preserved... but for too long! I almost lost all the contents of my stomach after eating this...gross!

And on the way back I braked quickly behind this guy because he did as well, but because of this he put his car into park and hopped out and flicked me off and called me a flipping flipper...Some people are so...yeah, I don't need to lower myself to his level.

Alrighty then,
back to homework and reality...
[n][v]

Okay, this is making me mad... My sister has borrowed my camera and she has yet to return it, and I just viewed a handful of very well done naturalistic photographs...
I want to take some photos!
I have the bug and yet no camera, *sigh*

To those who have cameras, please take a picture of a daffodil or a sunset for me, I am deprived of this pleasurable thing called photography.
On another note;
I am going to Mitsuwa's tomorrow and it is the next best thing to going to Japan... I will be back with so much JDM Goodness, I will make Hieroshi look more of a Gaijin than I! Ha!
And when Chuck DeRolf spoke today in Missions and Evangelism, I told him Nihongo Wakarimasan which translates from Japanese to English as I speak Japanese and he went off into a full blown conversation with me in Japanese, sadly and somewhat embarrassed, I told him I was joking...
Well, that may change in time!

Sayonara,
[n][v]

As I sit here doing some schoolwork,
I am listening to a new tune of Derek Terbeest's called Expectations and it is good!

I also have a new poem:

Sleeping with one eye open

As you lay there asleep and undisturbed,
how I wish this was me-
I, try, to sleep at night,
but sometimes I sleep with one eye open
and
I wait...wait...wait...and then I fall asleep.
You see,
I am someone who looks for a way out,
just in case,
I don't fall asleep as easy as I once did-
when life was easy...or so it seemed.
In my 21 years of living, I have seen and felt a different life,
A life full of ups and downs,
A life I'd hope not to deja-vu to the next generation-
And so I do sleep at night,
but sometimes...
Sometimes with one eye open.

[n][v]

In the business of this day and the weeks to come, due to Finals and all that jazz... I am reminded of Psalm 139: God is aware of all my emotions, feelings, doings, etc. Before I do them! God is in control of all and I am comforted by that fact, because right now all I can do in the midst of the suffering and pain that surrounds me is to praise God for everything.

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

 1 O LORD, you have searched me
       and you know me.

 2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
       you perceive my thoughts from afar.

 3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
       you are familiar with all my ways.

 4 Before a word is on my tongue
       you know it completely, O LORD.

 5 You hem me in—behind and before;
       you have laid your hand upon me.

 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
       too lofty for me to attain.

 7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
       Where can I flee from your presence?

 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
       if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
       if I settle on the far side of the sea,

 10 even there your hand will guide me,
       your right hand will hold me fast.

 11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
       and the light become night around me,"

 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
       the night will shine like the day,
       for darkness is as light to you.

 13 For you created my inmost being;
       you knit me together in my mother's womb.

 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
       your works are wonderful,
       I know that full well.

 15 My frame was not hidden from you
       when I was made in the secret place.
       When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

 16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
       All the days ordained for me
       were written in your book
       before one of them came to be.

 17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
       How vast is the sum of them!

 18 Were I to count them,
       they would outnumber the grains of sand.
       When I awake,
       I am still with you.

 19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
       Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

 20 They speak of you with evil intent;
       your adversaries misuse your name.

 21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
       and abhor those who rise up against you?

 22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
       I count them my enemies.

 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
       test me and know my anxious thoughts.

 24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
       and lead me in the way everlasting.

O Heavenly Father,
Thank you for today, thank you for bringing me close to you in the midst of pain and hardships; both mine and others. Please be with those who are affected by the loss of friends and family, be with Mike Z and those who are friends and family as he lays in a coma. If it is your will, please use these events to your glory.
Your jar of clay,
[n][v]

For those who were praying for Matt, Justin and his Family, Herbie and I- In regards to Matt who was in a coma thanks... He passed away last night...

That combined with several other things have left me thanking God for being so good and wonderful to me, it is hard at times to thank God through tragic events, but I am coping and God is good...

Please continue to pray for Justin and his Family, Herbie and I- The first 3 moreso, because right now their world is really rocked and affected by Matt's death.

Pray without ceasing...

And I thank God for Jeff Maulding: He is praying for me and it is good to be prayed for and it is also good to know that people pray for you... I don't hear the latter as much as I'd like, Jeff has been a good friend to me out here in the Judson bubble.

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

Making plans, making plans...

I am figuring out what some of the courses I plan on taking in the fall semester... It seems, decent, but... I feel like concentrating on that later, like when I am not bogged down by this semester and life iu general...

Here goes something,
what? I don't know...Yet.



This... This is an Evangelcube. If you want to know how it works, ask Mike Badriaki, he's the leader of the evangelcube movement.
For this and who Mike is, I pick on him and so does Dr. Sanders... It gets mentioned every class period of Missions and Evangelism... Good times!

[n][v]

I am reminded how much I am blessed by wonderful people who I call my friends and how my circle[s] of friends are expanding, and some overlap, and how I am a first name person to some and a last to others...
The value of friends who really/truely/honestly friends is very important to me: In general there are 3 types of people-
1) Those who think they know me, but they don't
2) Those who know me, but don't really 'know' me
3) Those who really/truely/honestly know me
I am sorry for the people in group number 2 the most, mostly because I deceived such people with the intentions of keeping me safe, but them as well.
In my life, I am an ocean... How deep do you want to go? and then... How strong is your lifevest? I... I am complicated, and the honest/real person (Myself) is complex...

I am thankful to God for those who fall in group 3,
I feel bad for the poseurs in group 1, but... You think you ACTUALLY know me... please, I am not someone who should be treated in such a way.

And thanks,
I thank those who have let me into their own version of group 3; I would never make you vulnerable in the areas that you are, I would never prey on your weaknesses... I've been that person at times, and I know the feeling of being exposed in a negative way...


[n][v]

Ah yes... The Royal Tenenbaums... I am writing not about how good this movie is, but I am opening a window that current circles of friends don't realize.
I am the oldest child of 4 siblings; I have 3 younger sister - Hannah (just turned 20 on the 21st), Abbey (18) and Charity/Kasey who is 15... My sisters and I have been blessed by God with various talents, in which, we are The Royal Tenebaums in some ways. I am blessed with the gift of writing and languages: I am currently (albeit at a slow pace) working on two books and I am writing more and more poetry, some I may publish for various anthologies who I may save them and find a publishing house to print up a lot of them. Another item of expertise for me is foreign languages; now foreign languages are easier, if not easy for me. I plan on being octolingual - and so far English and Spanish are down and only 6 remain... I am working on Mandarin Chinese on my own and perhaps Japanese in the Fall, the other 2 languages I wish to learn are French and Italian...
My sister Hannah has been the family artist; her art is known in small circles and could expand if she put more into it, she is also gifted in the area of Law, which (in time) she will become a lawyer, but perhaps a paralegal... She knows the details better than me.
 My other sister, Abbey, she has been actively involved in soccer and basketball, she is the athlete in the family, even though we all do sports... She could be successful in this way, but I think she will be entering the field of child psychology or something like that.
My other sister Charity is the family musician; She learned how to play the piano before she could read, she picked up the trumpet and violin and she is wonderful in both, she was teaching herself guitar for a while... Though she is a freshman in High School, she loves horses and perhaps she'll do something horse related when she gets to college.

Even though we are gifted in many ways, I thank God that my sister know God. I rather have them know God and have such talents than to not know God and be gifted... But God has given them these various gifts, and some of them are shaping and turning into something new and different. For example, my sister Hannah is spending her second semester in Spain as a student missionary of sorts, she spent last Fall in Spain and decided to continue on for another semester! This semester has been tough for her, but God is blessing her in what she does even though the road is rather rocky at this time.

God can use anyone's gifts to help others - as I've learned in adolescent development, "recognize potential and label it positively" - how has your gifts been labelled? How have you used your talents unto God and others?

May God bless you in what talents you have,
may you use them...

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

"I am, Spartan
close my heart so tight
Jesus
Save me
from myself tonight"
Spartan by Five Iron Frenzy

Saving... I need saving from myself; the doubts, the uncertainties, the facades, the scars and so much more... How I poison myself with things I can not rid myself easily, but by God's grace I can rid myself of those things that hinder me...
There is nothing I can do to solve the problems I have, but it is God who can take this broken shell of a man and restore him.
I am my own worst enemy at times, and sometimes I wish I could just go home (Heaven) and let have all the pains of life cease; But my work is not complete and so I go on by God's strength alone (What other strength do I have?)

[n][v]

Hypocrisy, self-hypocrisy...

Scenario: Last Week

After the meet/greet of Elias Chacour, as we were leaving, I spotted a Bentley and initial thought was Wow! A Bentley! and second thought was a 6 figure car while people still live on the streets, and people go starving...
Of course I wasn't struck by lightning or smited (smoted?) by God, but I did get reprimanded by the Holy Spirit about my comment while I live a rich lifestyle of my own... I don't drive a Bentley, but there is so much in my life (possession-wise) that I don't need, but it definitely keeps me 'happy', or so in theory.
Anyway, I don't go starving, I don't live on the streets and I don't get roughed up by people who don't believe what I believe - i.e. I am not persecuted for being a follower of Christ.
I live the 'good' life and yet I hate it...
I pick on 6 figure car owners and lash out at them,
but I am guilty too, if not even moreso, because I know, I recognize and yet I do NOTHING! I tithe, but that is a measly 10 percent pre-tax... God demands my all; both in life/actions/words/etc. It was a rich man who turned away from Jesus because he had to give it ALL up! Jesus pointed out that it would be easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than that rich man... I am that rich man in many ways...

I don't have any plans of what I will do to change from this self-craving nature, except I will pray and seek out council in regards to what I should do next.

Pray for me
and the areas in my life that are hypocritical,

Going on by God's strength alone,
[n][v]

A soliloquy to sanity...

lashing out in from the bind called my mind,
being bound and unwound without sound-
wanting change from this deranged and rearranged life,
to lie in bed in a deep sleep,
to let the comatose be a boast
to this mired, tired, wired and uninspired soul,
be free...
***
I've had it and I am fed up, set up, put up and shut up
I try to flee this enemy but the mirror reveals it is me
Up on the pyre, flames get hotter and hotter
revealing the mask of the past has done its task
and I am afraid and alone, a dog without bone
for once in my life there is no strife,
So here's the deal,
I'm becoming real.

[n][v]

*sigh*
I am in that state of being that is half conscious and yet work needs to be done, would it be better to get an hour nap in than to just study and not grasp what I am learning?

Yeah,
I think an hour nap will do me good.


Weird...naps, that is- I never took naps as a child and sometimes when I would have a babysitter who wanted me to take a nap and I did not oblige, the babysitter would lock me in my room...
Yeah, my life has been...um, interesting to say the least.

P.S. only one person (thanks Justin!) guessed on the truths and the lie in my life, oh well... I don't care too much, but, whatever - Xanga is not real life, it is just a momentary lapse of reality in which anything could be expressed if one felt like it, but, that's how I think. I'll post the truths/lie answers...later.

I do love reading blogs,
but perhaps not as much as reading them,
but I have scriptophelia and so I write...

[n][v]

3 things...

1) A prayer, but more of a poem...

Oh for a heart that's not dyslexic,
and for a soul that's not anorexic,
and for a life that is changed,
and for a desire to be rearranged,
for a strong and sound mind,
for a persona that is real and kind,
all these things I ask out of love,
change me Father, God above


2) Dr. Rob Currie pulled a Professor Seeman (That is, a semi-sexual/candid story/joke - this is so like Seeman, but every now and then, Currie pulls one too!)
*When he was questioned by a 7th Grader about what he calls out during sex, Currie responded "I quote Shakespeare!" Oh my gosh... funny, hahahahaha... You had to be there.

3) This day feels like Spring, I hope to get out an enjoy it before the day is through.

That is all for now...


Chao and God bless,
[n][v]

I am sick of the price rising on gas... For the second time ever, I have paid for gas over $2.50 a gallon, it is getting ridiculous! Even though my car is not a gas guzzler, it is not a gas sipper either- 20 to 25mpg is not what I should be getting, if anything, I'd settle for a Prius or some new car that has better gas mileage than what I am currently getting...








*drool*
yeah, I'd drive that!
(great... I am going through a [car] midlife crisis, and I'm only 21!)

I rather drive a Acura/Honda NSX tuned to 500 something HP, I've heard that with the tuning, that 35mpg is what it cranks out... Not bad, not bad.

Dreaming/hoping/wanting a better car with better mpg-
[n][v]

C.S. Lewis was (among other things) a poet,
This is one of his poems - it is my favorite and was made into a song by Phil Keaggy...

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: ' For Your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:35-39)

Prayers for March 28, 2006 From The Voice of the Martyrs

AFGHANISTAN (ASSIST News Service and VOM sources) Abdul Rahman, who converted from Islam to Christianity and was prosecuted in a Kabul court, has been released. He could have been sentenced to death. Rahman was arrested last month after his family went to the police and accused him of becoming a Christian. Such a conversion violates the country's Islamic laws. During the hearing, the defendant allegedly confessed he converted from Islam to Christianity 16 years ago when he was 25 and working as a medical aid worker for Afghan refugees in neighboring Pakistan. Afghanistan's constitution is based on Shariah law, which states any Muslim who rejects their religion should be sentenced to death. The prosecutor, Abdul Wasi, said he had offered to drop the charges if Rahman changed his religion back to Islam, but the defendant refused. International publicity put pressure on the court to release him, but he will be in grave danger as long as he remains in the country. Muslim extremists view Rahman as an apostate who must be killed according to Islamic law. Thank our merciful Lord that Rahman was released from custody. Pray God will protect him and provide a safe haven for him outside of Afghanistan. Pray the exceptional worldwide publicity covering this case will awaken the world to the true nature of Islam, and bring about a spiritual revival in Afghanistan. (Compass Direct) Compass has confirmed the arrest of two other Afghan Christians. Another Afghan convert to Christianity was beaten severely outside his home by a group of six men who finally knocked him unconscious with a hard blow to his temple. He woke up in the hospital two hours later. "Our brother remains steadfast, despite the ostracism and beatings," one of his friends said. Pray international media will continue to publicize the persecution of Christians in Afghanistan and other countries. Pray God will protect and strengthen His faithful followers. Pray those who are suffering for their steadfast faith will bring forth a harvest of souls finding true peace in Jesus Christ. CHINA (China Aid Association) CAA learned 24 house-church leaders are still missing following a police raid on a house-church leader's meeting in Henan province. According to an eyewitness report, at noon on March 13th, a number of public security officials raided a house-church meeting at Wen county, Henan province. Eighty Chinese house-church leaders from different counties of Henan province were attending a co-workers' meeting. All of the leaders were then taken into custody after the police searched their bodies and confiscated the cash on them. While 36 from Wen county were released within 24 hours, 24 of those from other counties are still missing. None of their whereabouts are known. Last week CAA also released a Defense Statement prepared by the defense lawyers of a controversial religious group leader, Xu Shuangfu. Xu Shuangfu stated he had sustained an extortion of confession by severe torture, including denial of sleep for long periods and pouring hot pepper, gasoline and ginger juice into his nostrils. He was hung for long periods with his armed stretched and bound, shocked with electricity applied to copper wires bound around his extremities and hit with clubs on a helmet worn on his head. After seven days and nights of severe torture, he finally confessed to the unsubstantiated charges of authorizing the killing of members of the Eastern Lightning sect. Pray the 24 Christians still in custody will know the comfort of Jesus' presence. Pray they will be released soon. Pray Xu Shuangfu will remember the apostle Peter and know Jesus' love and forgiveness. INDIA (Compass Direct) A Hindu extremist group planning centenary celebrations in April hopes to "reconvert" as many as 10,000 tribal Christians to Hinduism during the event. The Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS) will hold the Dharma Jogna in Orissa, India April 8th – 10th. Given the recent trend of mass "reconversion" ceremonies organized by the RSS and its sister organization, the Vishwa Hindu Parishad (VHP or World Hindu Council), Christian leaders fear many tribal people may be persuaded to reconvert against their will. "We are extremely worried," said the Rev. Dandia Basi Hrudaya, secretary of the Orissa chapter of the All India Christian Council (AICC). "The AICC and other Christian leaders are meeting this week to finalize plans to protect the tribals during this event." Pray our powerful, omnipotent God will protect all those who have chosen to believe in His Son. Pray the Holy Spirit will send a spirit of confusion among the Hindus attending the "reconversion" ceremonies. Pray Christians worldwide will join in fervent prayer that our one true God be glorified in this event. (Compass Direct) The Rev. Tongkhojang Lunkim was released at 1:00 p.m., on Saturday (March 18th), after being held captive for two months by the Kuki Liberation Army (KLA) in Manipur state, northeast India. Before handing him over, the KLA forced Lunkim to apologize for and stop his alleged "anti-KLA activities." The Rev. M. Haokhothong, Lunkim's son-in-law, told Compass he was grateful for those who have prayed for the release. "I met Lunkim this evening in his home, but unfortunately he is too weak and unable to speak," Haokhothong said. "He is on a glucose drip, and a nurse is attending him." Lunkim--a missionary and human rights activist--was a key spokesman for the people of Manipur. Give thanks to God for the release of Rev. Lunkim. Pray he will know the presence and healing power of Jesus as he recovers from the trauma of imprisonment. Pray God will give him supernatural peace of mind as he forgives his captors. TURKEY (Compass Direct) On March 11th, a Turkish Muslim shouting insults against Christianity pulled a long butcher knife on two priests and a group of teenagers at a Latin Catholic church in Mersin, threatening them and their families. In a 30-minute standoff in the town on the southern coast of Turkey, Erdal Gurel entered the parish convent of St. Antoine's Catholic Church while 25 of the church's young people were rehearsing for an Easter passion play. After threatening Hanri Leylek, a priest, with a knife, cursing Christianity and chasing the youths, the 19-year-old Gurel was apprehended by police. It was unclear, however, whether he remained in custody. In a country where media often portray the tiny Protestant community negatively, some news organizations here took notice when Muslims threatened Christians at a recent book fair last week. Normally, Turkish nationalists threatening to hang local Protestants for operating a Christian literature stall at the Bursa annual book fair wouldn't have raised an eyebrow. But it wasn't long before Turkish television video and newspaper commentary were running. Some of the commentary only further fanned anti-Christian sentiment. Give thanks and praise to God that the threatened priest and teenagers weren't harmed. Pray God will soften the heart of Erdal Gurel, bringing him to repentance and the desire for forgiveness by the blood of Jesus. Pray moderate Muslims in Turkey will not allow their country to be governed by Islamic extremists.

part 1...

part 2...



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