I feel a bit like Jesus and his 40 days in the desert: The part about being tempted by satan and perhaps the lonliness of being alone from others. Sure, Jesus was fully God and Man, so I am certain that he had bouts of lonliness...
*sigh*
It's not that I feel lonliness on a person-to-person level, but my mom spent some time talking to me about past&present areas of hurt -- in her life, but as well as mine. She did not mean to draw so much out, but because of it the hurts are closer than they ever should be. The big area of hurt was in reference to my father; he avoids me like the plague and he hasn't had a decent conversation with me since last summer (or so I believe). Sure, he does talk to me in a look-at-me-I-am-a-good-father tone to me, but that's only at church! Outside of that...silence...how it tears me up inside at times (tonight, it's weighing heavy on my heart) and I know longer believe that it isn't me, but when I think about it from a logical and rational point of view (which I shouldn't) I question why would someone in their right mind not talk or have anything to do with their ONLY son? Then I start loathing him and poisoning myself to get at him, it inflicts no pain to me, but it leaves me hurt and saddened.
***
I'm calling it a night, and while the nightmares haven't returned, the wounds of life leave me open to infection.
[nv]
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