Dreams and Dreaming

I am a dreamer, both in semi-unconscious states when I am in my bed and when I am awake. Dreams propel me to plan and do better things; to work and invest in the lives of others, to beat the vicious generational curse within my family, etc.

But I also have bad dreams (I guess they'd be called nightmares instead, eh?)

Dreams that wake me up in a cold sweat and tears in my eyes,
it's because of such dreams that woke me up at 5:45 this morning.

I dreamt that I was in my younger naive youth. I was riding shotgun with my father to a social outing for fathers and sons only, he was talking to me about the different things we would do; play baseball, go fishing, etc. I was so happy, but then he abruptly pulled to the shoulder of the road. He got out of the vehicle and grabbed me and dropped me in a garbage can! All the while telling me that he was coming back, he closed the lid on my head and drove off with no intention of coming back.

Damn, this dream was fucking horrible and quite an allegory to my own life; having promises made and broken by my father, him saying he'd be back and yet he never did.

I hate it so fucking much, to be discarded like if I were trash, God knows it has happened in my life and it still does. Being in the same house as my father doesn't do me any good and I am trying to get to that point where I can move out on my own.

God, I am tired of being discarded by my own father. I hate that I fruitlessly try to get him to look at me and what I am capable of, to have him acknowledge me and affirm me. It isn't happening and it might never happen, help me to move on and apart from him, even with me still being here.

I'm hurt.

I'm broken.

I'm in fucking pain because of him. Help me Father God, I need you to go and move on.

Bring restoration to my life.

Help me to never become like him, I honestly can't think of any traits I can say that are positive.

I need you in my life to sustain me. I need you in my life so that I can dream and take those dreams and make them a reality.

All these things I lay at your feet including me.

[n][v]