Monday, September 11, 2006

The bad post...

Well...


There's a downside to this story; not that this overflows too much into today, but, just read on...

After finding out that Jeffrey was on the first plane, my life went into a dark and downward spiral; I already was depressed and lonely at times, but I soon became more of both.

I did some things in that time frame that I am not proud about, I did things that I will never do again and it's by God's grace that he brought me this far...

My mind started running with the question as I tried to sleep, is Jeff in Heaven or is he in Hell? This question kept tearing at me, kept haunting me and I was an insomniac for 5 to 6 months.
It all changed dramatically when I went on a winter retreat in February and on the last night I was bombarded by too much media in regards to 9/11; the Towers, Pentagon, etc... It was flipping nuts! It was in that instant that I broke down hard. I proceeded to cry my heart out to God for the next 2-3 hours, in which I just kept on crying and feeling the pain of losing a friend such as Jeffrey.

God met me where I was and he healed me...

Now I will give you the reality of then and now;
I still hurt when I see 9/11 footage and I also get aches and pains that affect my body, like stabs that happen. It's usually on this day that I'm probably most down, I might smile, but if I do that, there's a 50/50 chance that it might be a facade.

Today I told some people what I was going through, and guess what? They cared and said they'd pray for me! I'm happy because of those folks who had a kind heart to hear about some of my story in regards to 9/11.

I am no longer depressed and lonely in regards to 9/11,
I still hurt and I just wanted to throw my tray of food at the wall in the cafeteria just because my mind was looping Fire and Rain by James Taylor to the music video of Best Day by Carpark North and I wanted to just let emotions run amok, this was a very short lived idea...

Later on tonight I will be sharing some of my story with the Young Lifers I know, I may cry and I might not, but God has used this day for more good than bad.

[n][v]

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