These are my thoughts for better or worse

A note I found at work, I call it "good spelling leads to salvation"

2010-09-08T08:06:00.001-05:00

Now here's a passive aggressive ~~arguement~~ discussion, between two individuals, I found it while cleaning up at the library I work at prior to closing.

I'm a follower of Christ myself, and honestly I don't read the Bible as much as I like to rather than I should, because we've all have been there at times with people in our lives who say you gotta read the Bible, you ought to read the Bible -- or else you're not a good Christian.

Now by those standards, a good Christian could also be the one who attends church every Sunday, and you know what, if that's a part of being a "good" Christian, I don't want to be good.

I personally would rather worship God out in my community by serving the homeless, or playing with the kids of the single mom and taking time just to hear her out instead of heap some unneccessary judgment on her head for having kids out of wedlock.

I would rather live a life outside the church (building) and live among the various children of God that God puts in my direction, that's my church. Serving God by serving others is what I love to do, it's my passion and it keeps me from growing complacent in my faith.

It keeps me from being a "good" Christian.

That's all I have to say,
Nathanael

Recap of the Gay Pride Parade

2010-06-28T13:32:00.000-05:00

The reason why my three friends and I were at this year's Gay Pride Parade could be summed up in the following quote, which actually is what The Marian Foundation's founder Andrew mindset is as follows; "...it's the Holy Spirit's job to convict, God's job to judge, and it's my job to love. And that's what I'm here doing." (Billy Graham)

Our job wasn't to judge, our judge wasn't to convict, but it was simply to love and share God's love with those we came into contact with. Here's some photos (not mine) of what we were expressing to the people in the parade and those around us:

Well it started with driving into Chicago and parking in the neighborhood of one of the guys from TMF, we arrived...and it started raining! We (my 3 friends and I) weighed out the pro's and con's of the weather, whether we should drive downtown and find a spot there or a parking garage or brave the elements and head over to the red line el, catch it and get off at Addison. We chose the latter.

It started clearing up a little as we headed to the el station, we weren't drenched but we were a bit wet. We actually boarded the right line but headed in the wrong direction! But thankfully with getting off at the next stop and waiting for the next el, it just put us back 5 mins, no worries.

After getting off at Addison we walked down to the IHOP, again we went in the wrong direction (this wasn't our fault) but after getting our bearings we finally met up with TMF. After getting our shirts that say "I'm Sorry" on the front and the website to Andrew's/TMF blog, we headed over to Starbucks.

On our way back from Starbucks our first (of many) conversations with people at the parade started. A lesbian approached us & asked what we were sorry about. I kinda was the leader of my 3 friends, so I shared with the woman that we were sorry for what she might have experienced directly or indirectly from other Christians, that God doesn't love them, that they're worthless or something of that nature. She was kinda taken aback by our apologies, but she sincerely offered up an "I forgive you" to my friends and I, and about that time her partner and a few of their friends met up with her and so she introduced us and what we were sorry about and this too stunned her partner and friends. From there they wanted a group photo, my friends and I but also the woman and her partner and friends! Our photos were taken and with mutual have a good day we made our way back to our spot outside the IHOP with TMF.

***

On a side note, my prayer of that day was "God give me a heart of flesh and nerves of steel", because I didn't know what to expect going to the Gay Pride Parade, I heard rumors from my mom which instilled some doubt and some fear into me.
I don't cope well with doubt and fear at times, but I didn't want this to break me from going to the Gay Pride Parade and bringing the love of God, bringing restoration to individuals who might have had some bad experiences with some very unloving and judgmental Christians...and my prayer was answered many times over at the parade.

***

So my friends, TMF and I watched the parade, and granted the shirt did get mixed signals from those in the parade, and yet for those that "got it" it was amazing (you can read some experiences Nathan from TMF experienced here). For those we interacted with as we walked around, we took the time to address what we were sorry about, I was quite pleased that we all shared from our perspectives (our talks were different and yet shared the same message) and it wasn't met with hostility, but most of the time people offered genuine forgiveness to what we were sorry about.

At the end of the parade there was a guy by the name of June who noticed our shirts and so we conversed with him as to what were sorry about. He "got it" and was happy and forgiving, he was also very loving and he shared how while I was his type he wasn't going to cheat, he did invite ALL of us to his birthday party this weekend coming up and what he said painted a picture to me of what the kingdom of God is like, June said;

"It's not a black thing or a white thing, it's not a gay thing or a straight thing. It's about coming together and having a good time together."

And for me that's the kingdom of God, there isn't segregation or ________'s only, it's for everyone!

I'm glad to have gone and sincerely apologized to those around me, I'm glad to have gone with friends who are sincere about what they believe and take it out to the streets, take it out to where the rubber meets the road because that is where it truly counts.

~Nathanael~

On the eve before the Gay Pride Parade I have a few questions for ya

2010-06-26T15:01:00.000-05:00

Just curious.

1) What are your personal thoughts about homosexuality
2) If you are religious, what does your religion have to say about homosexuality
3) If your views about homosexuality conflict with your religious views, why do they?
4) If your views about homosexuality don't conflict with your religious views, why don't they?

I'm interested in this because I know that Christians sit on both sides of the fence on this one, but I want to see what Muslims/Jews/Sikhs/and other religions have to say.

Thanks,
Nathanael

I have an unnamed phobia (maybe)

2010-06-26T14:59:00.000-05:00

it's not that I mean to, but I do.

I sometimes (in social settings) depart from the crowds without saying goodbye or see-ya-later to anyone...am I alone in doing this? I don't know where it stems, but I do know the hardest goodbye was the day my fiancee broke up with me, choking on tears as I made my way to her house, choking back the tears as I played with the boys who I called

my sons for the last time, choking on the tears as I left and she closed the door.

She closed the door on what was US, she closed the door on me being a dad, and so much more.

I am over her, I am capable and ready to love and be loved again...

Yet my settings, hmmm...

I could easily pick up a girl for a one night stand or a physical fling, yet I want neither.

I could meet your stereotypical Christian girl in one of the churches I attend or become a regular at a bar and strike up conversations with the ladies around me, but I want neither.

So I will keep on praying with my eyes open, looking for my June, looking for love in right places, not good-enough places.

*sorry for the sidetrack*

Anyways, I do seem to leave without saying goodbye, I don't know where this stems from and I don't know how to break this..any suggestions?

~Nathanael

Gay Pride is on my mind

2010-06-25T14:58:00.000-05:00

Well because I and some friends are meeting up with people of The Marin Foundation. I am excited to go and BE the church to individuals who may have not experienced Christ's love but the church's wrath towards homosexuals, directly or indirectly, and maybe they have experienced Christ's love through the church, but I can't say all or some in this matter.

The word of what I and my friends (including the pastor's son) are doing has spread around my church, and initially I was a little bit hesitant; okay, so what are they going to say about __________? My anxiety was self induced, because when I've open up to my bros and sissies in Christ at The Warehouse, I've received nothing but love and affirmation for what we'll be doing.

*sigh of relief*

Because in some of the church circles I've circled (and since exited) there was a mentality of US vs. THEM, us God fearing, Bible verse memorizing, flannelboard using heterosexuals...against homosexuals, because they surely don't love God because they're "walking in sin", right?

...Right?

...Right?

I never thought that way, I did at one time have Love the sinner hate the sin in my arsenal of things-Christian-guys-steeped-in-the-church say, I shudder when I think I said something as stupid as that.

Well I got better as they say on Monty Python, and in my growing I've gotten to know individuals who are like minded and like hearted as to getting out in the trenches and off their knees in church. It's not so much a battle of us versus them, it's a battle of what we hear versus what we should do. Definitely we should take in God's word, but we should ultimately apply it. It's a shame and a waste to learn and not do, I'm sure God nods his head and sighs when he sees his creation not loving as he loved, not showing mercy to those who are and aren't deserving of mercy.
Perhaps we love others as much as we love God? Perhaps we should love others as much as we love God.

I have learned a lot over my 25 and soon 26 years of life,
and I still have much to learn,
but I truly think that if we love the ones the world (and church at times) loves to hate, this thing of hate will no longer exist, and perhaps we'll make this world a better place. Let love ring loud and strong, let us love with not words or tongue but in action and in truth.

~Nathanael

An open apology to followers of Christ everywhere

2010-06-24T15:00:00.000-05:00

I wrote this a while back, but I don't think I ever posted it here...

I am sorry for those times you ask me "how are you doing" and I offer up a "fine" or "good" answer. I, in my cowardice, feel out of place sometimes when you (I'm writing to the whole, so I'm speaking as to the whole) ask me this question because one or more of the following;

1) Do you REALLY care about how I am doing?
2) Do you want the truth or do you want a FINE or GOOD answer?
3) How do I know what I say won't be gossiped about behind my back? Or how do I know it won't be shared and people will look at me with contempt as being "that guy"?

I have been burned by you all time and time again, but my focus isn't so much on you but rather on God. I pray to Him and talk to Him on a daily basis, like it was mentioned in my church today "communication builds relationships", I guess I don't have a relationship with as many of you as I would like...but I am getting there!

Please body of believers in Christ hear my apology, hear that I don't mean to give you the fake shitty answers, it is just a reflex after getting hurt from the past. I'm kinda shy and I'm kinda under the "once bitten twice shy" umbrella though my bites have been more than once, I'm still shy but I still try.

I'm reaching out to you, not all of you, but those of you who pose this question but follow it up with REALLY. I know some of you truly care for me and my welfare and you truly want to know, so I offer a truce and suggestion:

If you ask I will earnestly tell you the truth, but in return I ask that you mean what you're asking, truly mean the words that come out of your mouth as well as your heart. Human beings have the potential to love and destroy with the same mouth, love me, don't destroy me with your callous words, would you want that to be done unto you?

I will be real/authentic, it won't be pink pastel pretty but sometimes it will be rough around the edges and gritty, you have to accept that sometimes LIFE HAPPENS and it isn't good, but you know what? God is.

God is still good in my days where I feel like staying in bed all day,
God is still good when Fuck comes out of my mouth more than Love,
God is still good when I don't hear one encouraging word from another person in a day,
God is still good when I break down in tears and frustration because of events I cannot control and cannot get over the feeling of feeling so powerless...

Anyway, God remains good in all things. I will try my damndest to be real with you if you truly mean what you say and say what you mean.

Thanks, I love all of you.

~Nathanael~

It's been interesting

2010-06-24T14:56:00.000-05:00

to get my thoughts and emotions out on paper instead of out here in Xangaland.
I've been more honest to myself about the life I've lived, I've been more honest at pointing where blame lies; sure a good portion of the problems in my life have been caused by me, but by digging deeper I recognize so much of it is generational, so much of it is a hand-me-down I could do without.

In a moment of bravery perhaps instilled by the second pint of the evening last Tuesday, I let a guy I know into the real me, the ins and outs as to what really happens within my life. He handled the truth well, it was no suprise when he thought I had it together (or at least more together).

I don't have it together,
BUT-
But I think maybe, possibly, God is preparing me through all this shit I have gone through and still go through for something better in life. Something that gets me to where I need to be, something that to all the ones who may have scoffed at my potential I will give them a collective fuck you for what they said or for what they had done or for what they didn't do.

I think that'll be my pound of flesh extracted,
instead of taking it out against others in a violent manner as I've done in the past,
I will succeed, go above and beyond what ever they thought of me and to the mean people, the haters and the doubters -- fuck you!

That works for me, it honestly does.

***

Well back to life as I know it, I hope to drop in on my xanga birthday if not my real birthday, to which both are approaching quickly.

Have a good day and a better tomorrow,
Nathanael

I'm returning to writing

2010-05-30T14:51:00.000-05:00

As in blogging, but more so in pen and paper.

A lot has unfolded in my life and while I do like photography, sometimes writing is more therapeutic to me as for expressing what's really going on in my life. I won't bore ya with the details, but I just can't deal with my life surroundings any more, I will get out eventually but I can't afford to with the job I have...so I'm between a rock and a hard place currently. You take that and throw in the weight of some friends problems, I should learn to let go but I can't...

I hate the feeling of inadequacy,
I hate the feeling of progress made and yet slipping back down a slope,
I hate that I'm not where I want to be at in life at this time, if not for a few moments of life and shit hitting the fan, I think I'd be in a much better place but I'm not.

So I'm out of here as far as posting photos, if I write it'll be a bit more real as to what's going on in my life, I know I won't get slandered or judged here, but even if I were I really don't have anything left to lose.

I truly recognize that life for me is shitty but God is good to me and is helping me out even though there are some mornings I would rather just sleep the day away...In time I'll be on my feet and have a better life to wake up to, heck I might have a better camera by then!

So I'll continue to write and post photos...but with less frequency. I will cling to my father in heaven because he's been there through previous times in the valley, I will continue fighting this shit and not give up because it would cost me more to surrender.

Have a good day and goodbye for now,
Nathanael

This song kinda sums it up...

I got published again!

2010-04-30T14:50:00.000-05:00

This time around for a kids book in Brazil! Apparently publishing houses troll flickr accounts for creative common photographs, if they like they get in touch with you and they'll publish you. Granted I didn't get paid, but I did request two copies of the spot-the-errors and I guess that's my compensation. Yet it's still fun to be published, getting paid for my photos will happen, all in due time...

[n][v]

The ying to my yang, my goodness with my badness

2010-03-29T14:36:00.000-05:00

For myself personally, I like to do at least one random act of kindness per day, but also one random act of treason/social anarchy a day. Before you write me off as some crazy type of weirdo, I want you to know the acts of treason and social anarchy do NOT hurt anyone, in fact what I do is more good than bad, except for the store owners...but read on, will ya?

Well my random acts of kindness, I rather not disclose, because would they truly be random if I gave away what I did? I don't need a pat on my back for my kindness, I know that God smiles at me, that's all I need :)

When it comes to my random acts of treason/social anarchy, here's one example of what I do: If I am a grocery store and I am waiting to purchase my items, I will turn the front covers of all the magazines around so that the back cover faces out. You might ask yourself "so how is this treason/social anarchy?" Well think about the magazines that are for your purchasing "pleasure", for the most part they're enticing you with a way of life that not everyone can achieve: worldly wealth, products, a skinny body, etc. Yet it also says "that if you DON'T have this you're undesirable, you're ugly, you will not attract a significant other, you will grow old and lonely."

Now I know that women and their image can sometimes be distorted as a result of what the media says you should look like, what you should have, what your boyfriend/husband should be like...I digress, so this is why I do it, I do it primarily for the ladies! ;) But I also do it for the guys, the ones who get it locked in their minds that their S/O should look like Britney Spears, Madonna, Lady Gaga, etc.
Some guys can start saying to their S/O's "Hey, you should look like _______" and I find that demeaning to women, when the comparisons game takes place (and I do recognize this happens to both genders) and then you have two people who start loving less and start looking for that "perfect" person.

Here's the thing, the body breaks down over the years, the looks that one might have in their 20's won't be what stays around when that person is in their 70's. As many of you know, I am a follower of Christ, and here's a verse that sticks out to me in reference to inward beauty versus outward beauty;
1 Samuel 16:7
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
I find myself, after many years to look for someone who looks for someone who has a good heart, not too long ago I wrote out what I go for in a possible girlfriend, my top 3 were as follows; 1) Someone who loves God 2) Someone who loves others and 3) has a good sense of humor. Granted, dating someone who is not a follower of Christ is something I am open to as well, but to take it beyond dating is something I'm not too keen about, and so perhaps it's that reason why I look and pray with my eyes open in regards to relationships; to find my June, to fall in love again, to care for another individual in a way that only boyfriends/girlfriends can, to have someone I can share what I love with that person, to be real/authentic of what's really going on within my life without feeling judgement or timidity that I won't be liked by that individual any more, and I won't lie, I miss the physical aspect of being in a relationship as well.

So recognizing that looks are fleeting and yet that's what our culture sells as the "must have" for women (but also men) one of the random ways I commit a random act of treason/social anarchy without harming anyone except for those who aim to peddle such filth to the general public.

~Nathanael~

It all starts with LOVE...

2010-03-29T13:35:00.001-05:00

So today I decided to wear my LOVE shirt that I received from one of the churches I attend, I was to be in a skit but something came up last min and I couldn't...but I still got a shirt that says love on it.
Anyway, as I was driving to JU this afternoon, God...the Holy Spirit...a combo of the two, kinda spoke to me about the people in my life I don't actively show love to; oh sure I love a bunch of people, but sometimes due to circumstances on my part it's not an active visible thing, and that's when I started feeling God's presence in regards to a group of individuals I can share His love with in a tangible way AND perhaps patch up some of the partially destroyed bridge.
Get this, I intend and plan on going to the Gay Pride Parade in Chicago this year, June 27th I want to go withs some friends and hand out water bottles to those I come into contact with, to share with them a small token of love. I'm also thinking I'm going to bring along a "confession booth" of sorts, not for the whose who would come in to confess, but rather my friends and I taking turns at confessing and asking those who would come in for forgiveness on behalf of the church and how it has treated those who are gay, by treating them like second class citizens or worse.
I've been learning in my Integration of Psychology and Theology how the church picks on homosexuals as making it "the worst sin" or some other rhetoric as a result of perhaps excusing other behavior and yet adding to it by saying "well at least I'm not a homosexual" as if that were a better way to justify their behavior. That is wrong, morally wrong, and I intend to offer up sincere apologies for this behavior.

As I said, it all starts with LOVE; Loving one another as Jesus loved us, He was the best example of love this world has ever seen, and I intend to let his Love flow through me and out on the people I meet this year at the Gay Pride Parade.

[n][v]

Christian Girls are Boring*

2010-03-29T12:33:00.000-05:00

*Boring as a result of the stereotype that represents them, to which some Christian girls act the part and/or their environment says they should be a certain way. To the Christian girls who read this, this is somewhat satirical and somewhat serious at the same time, I'm sure you know of ways to say that Christian Guys are boring under the same or similar context.
I plan on getting back into dating (building stronger relationships with a girl prior to dating) and sometimes I wonder if to avoid the stereotypical boring Christian girl, maybe I should be looking for her outside of church/related environments that couldcultivate a boring girl, but that's just me...read on, okay?

Christian girls are boring to me because the ones that fit the stereotype are a bit too consumed in some areas that I don't find desirable, but what makes a Christian girl boring? Good question, well for me it goes as follows:

1) Someone who thinks her biological clock is ticking VERY quickly; as in, a good portion of her friends are young 20something wives and moms. It costs A LOT of money to support oneself, but to bring in another life and be dependent on it is another ordeal altogether, how many can say they're financially secure right after school? I mean, unless you married someone who's an oil baron who doesn't need a spouse to work, you and the guy you're married to will BOTH need to work to support each other, bringing kids into the world while not being somewhat financially secure is bad idea in my opinion. You will have plenty of time to make some kids, don't worry, until then get on some form of birth control.

2) Someone who reads Ephesians 5:22 out of context; yes, the verse that says wives submit unto your husbands, but to just take that verse and not look at verses around it as well as the context is no bueno in my book. Yes, wives are to submit to their husbands, but the following verse shares how husbands need to submit to their wivestoo. I do know the girls who read only v. 22, and sadly I also know the guys who read v. 22 as well and expect their girlfriends or wives to submit until them...the shame of it all is that girls buy this verse.

3) Someone who views things go in two different boxes; there's the God box and then there's the box for everything else. The breakdown of separating things in terms ofsecular and sacred gets to me, everything is spiritual, all truth is God's truth. No need to complicate things and make laws that aren't of God.

4) A girl who doesn't have views she claims as her own; well my pastor said... well my mother said... This really isn't cool to me, for what truly matters to you in your life, please express it in terms of well I believe... It makes me happy when anyone states opinions that they believe in terms of I, because even if I don't agree with you, the thoughts you just let me in on, they're your own, major propage to ya!

***

In a nutshell that's why I find Christian girls boring, yet I recognize these traits can be found in Christian males as well, so I guess the fight is on equal terms.
What do you think? Are Christian Girls (and Guys) boring or not?

[n][v]

My thoughts on Romance Novels

2010-03-29T11:35:00.000-05:00

Since I have a position now at the local library, I spend a lot of time shelving books that come in and I'm putting a lot of Romance Novels, here's a cover of one:

I have a lot of guff/issues with Romance Novels, to which it seems oxymoronic (more moronic than oxy) to even add romance to the title of the genre.
Even bringing it up to my coworker, she's with me when I say there's nothing romantic about such books, there isn't a healthy form of intimacy that is portrayed in the books and none of it is really realistic...yeah, I'm sure finding mutual attraction, a bit of wham bam thank you ma'am and you're good to go, but...hmmm...

Romance novels to me equate to emotional pornography
Romance novels will continue to be made
Romance novels will continue to sell fake intimacy/fake romance
***

I am a romantic, I like to the please the senses of the one I am with; whether that comes from cooking a homecooked meal or even just being with my SO. I believe in love and even though I've been burned by love in the past I know I will love again/be loved and fall in love, again.
Yet these books sell fake intimacy and fake romance, a flash in the pan compared to what could be a white hot flame that burns strong...tell me ladies, which would rather have?

[n][v]

Advice, Knowing when to speak and knowing when to keep silence and everything in between

2010-03-29T11:34:00.003-05:00

Now I'm kinda an advice guy; I give it, I receive it, I hear different views on subjects that interest me, I answer Yahoo Answers time to time, but one thing I can't stand is when people offer up advice that 1) they cannot follow themselves 2) they have no experience in the thing I'm asking advice for or 3) they've been outside the realm of said question and therefore they really don't know what it's like in modern time...

This time around, it was the advice from my father who shared with me his two cents on how to procure a job. Sure, he's quite successful at what he does (but at what cost? Another question for another day) and yet my relationship to him isn't father-son, it's more business/busyness than anything else, to which to say my father and I are distant, would be an understatement, but I digress...

Anyway, his approach on procuring a job is kinda radical and kinda dysfunctional, it's not the first time he's given me work-related advice, so it's kinda old hat the things he says. Well over the Christmas holiday I got an interview with a place I've been going to for a while now, the local library if you must know, and I met with one of the nicest librarians I know, so from the getgo, and the interview went smoothly. Guess what?

I got the job! *happy dance*
but to me the victory was more I didn't follow his advice at all.

Now it might seem wrong to rejoice in not following my father's advice for procuring a job, but I went in, spoke from my mind and my heart (especially what do you want to do when you're done with school and related questions) and sold my self well to the library peoples, and I was sold and I got the job!

***

Xangamigos, so often when advice seems necessary, silence might be the better option than talking. Advice should be given, but words should be limited and sometimes silence is all that is required, simply by being there might outweigh anything said in the moment.
- If you know your shit and advice can be given, go for it.
- If you know that words will outweigh silence in importance, go for it.
- If you know the person will be more responsive to words and you have some that'll help that person, go for it.

Yet remember silence, and use it if you need to.

[n][v]

Last night I feared for being a parent-to-be

2010-03-29T11:34:00.001-05:00

I'm currently single, but sometimes working with kids makes me wish I already had a few of my own, but last night I feared being a parent, to which my mind "shut off" at 3am because I was thinking A LOT about it...

***

Last night I was working with one of my church's youth groups, the newly appointed youth pastor and his wife, Pam and Jim*, also brought their kids, Elle and Jay*, two cute little kids who have a lot of energy and are honorary members of the youth group. I was playing with them, mostly with Elle, engaging him with bouncing a ball to him and him handing it back to me, and then out of nowhere he makes a beeline to Jay, grabs her by her neck and throws her down. Now Elle's little himself, but he is still the older brother and is capable of doing this, so I pull him off his sister, but he comes back to her again and again to try to throw his little sister to the ground. Pam and Jim help with stopping this from happening, but I saw Jay starting to throw herself on the ground before her brother could do it. I could see the fear in her eyes, ahelp me and hold me look of desperation, I held her several times just to keep Elle from getting at her and she normally doesn't like being held by me (still a little shy around me) but she let me because I was her escape, I was her protector.

...Did I mention that Elle has autism?

***

Now I know a bit about the Autistic Spectrum Disorder, through a class calledExceptional Child, through studying ASD on my own, through reading what other Psychologists have said, through watching documentaries on those who have it or featuring those who have it... needless to say, I have a bunch of head knowledge on ASD, but am willing to learn more, for Pam and Jim, but also for me, to which (I figure) my head knowledge kept me up to 3am, my body was asleep but my mind was playing over the night's scenarios between Elle and Jay, but also what I know...and for that I developed a bit of fear as a parent-yet-to-be.
I am by no means ready to be a parent (I thought I was, but that's a closed chapter in my life, moving forward...) but I was gripped by fear last night/this morning with thoughts of what if I have a kid who has Autism? What if he (more boys than girls fall on the Autistic Spectrum) is on the lower function end of it? What if I need to keep him from grabbing a sibling by the neck and throwing him/her down on a constant basis? These thoughts threw a curveball at my intentions to get a good night sleep, alas I struck out.

***

I don't know if my kids will have Autism (Is there actually a way to see if it is genetically locked within my DNA?) but I know that as a Psychologist and a father-to-be I will have to take more classes, learn more about ASD, but ultimately love my kids unconditionally and work with them and enforce positive reinforcement and help them to get out their frustrations (to which it's hard to release some of that for kids with Autism) in a positive way. I leave it entirely in God's capable hands, and I intend to learn more -- for my sake, but also for Pam and Jim's sake, it shows on their faces that they're a bit drained by Elle, I want to help them out as their friend first but as a Psychologist second.

[n][v]

*Not their real names

Why I'm here on Xanga

2010-02-28T11:31:00.000-06:00

I got on Xanga about 4.5 years ago, I had just started going to Judson University and at the time they had blocked a lot of popular websites including (what was) my online social network; MySpace. They blocked a few other known websites at the time, such as Facebook, Youtube, etc. As a blogger for close to 8 years I wanted to find a place where I could write, a place where I could build community, and Xanga was it.

My school actually has a Xanga group (it's still here) and for a while it was a place where I could read about what other JU students had to say; a few of the guys from my floor were on Xanga, as well as people I worked with at the campus library, a few of the commuters I talked to on a regular basis were on Xanga as well.

While I might have a lot of friends here on Xanga, this is what enters my mind when I befriend someone on Xanga: Perhaps this could spark a real life friendship, perhaps this person could help me out sometime and I could help out him or her.
Recently I've been going through some tough times; family shit that hit the fan- HARD. I was talking to one of my online to real life Xangamigos just when some of this was unfolding. She could hear in my voice how much it hurt me, how I felt lonely and perhaps even terrified at the events that were going down. She stuck it out with me even tho she was on one end of the phone and I on the other, she was kind, caring and concerned for my welfare in the midst of my trials and tribulations. Tell me this, is that not what a real friend does for you? Doesn't a real friend care for you and hopes life gets a bit more palpable?

From the getgo, I wanted to develop community and relationships with people on Xanga. I didn't know how but I'm glad to say that some of that has come to fruition, to go from online friends to being real life friends, to transcend the digital world and make real world friends. Some of the people who I got to know here on Xanga first have become some people I talk to on a regular basis, people who I truly consider my friends, Xanga should be about building community and yet the opportunity is also there for not doing that; if you don't want to interact apart from leaving comments and posting stuff, that's fine, that's your prerogative, I'm not gonna guilt trip you into to becoming more interactive.
Yet I recognize that we as humans have been designed for community, we are made to interact with others (maybe not all the time, but part of the time). There's a reason why there are groups of Xangamigos out there who plan get togethers and such, because even if we just know each other through this social platform, we're all human; we all share common themes, we all are all made of flesh, we all have our good days and we all have our bad days.

I'm not on Xanga merely to get out what I have to write, or to use this platform to share my poetry (it doesn't happen that often IRL as it is) or to show off some photos I take every now and then, it is about community and building relationships here that might become real life friendships. We're all in this thing called being human together, we all have our own dreams and desires that we want to take place. I was made for community and so are you!

This is why I am here.

This is why I am on Xanga.

~Nathanael~

No one talks about eating disorders pertaining to men...why is that?

2010-02-25T11:32:00.000-06:00

(This stems from thoughts I had while getting a mandatory physical and a drug test for a job I've yet to start...)

I don't suffer from an eating disorder, but I very well could have growing up...

You see, when I was in my preadolescence I was heavier, in my adolescence I was heavier, when I was in my early 20's I was heavier...see the trend? Yes, I am 218 pounds and only 5'8, I am fat, I am overweight, but as I try to fit working out into my daily routine, I don't have the time for it now.
Now it's not that I don't care, I truly do care about my body and my health, but juggling school/life/now work...yeah, I'm sure I have the time somewhere in there, but I'm not the best at time management, getting there, but not yet.
Yet when I was younger I wanted to be fit; I was involved in a lot of athletic extra curriculars in my schooling (home school, mind you, K to 12) but I still a bit of a gut. I did have some success in keeping my weight kind of in order back when I would workout an average of 2 hours a day, I was dedicated to it but I still had some girth I [wished I] could do without.
What made it worse was that some family members pointed out my weight; hey you should stop eating as much (true I cut back some, but really? Is that being helpful?), hey you're fat (I am, thanks for pointing it out )... Yeah, I didn't need that pointed out to me, but it struck me as a double standard when I was told never to ask a woman's age or weight, don't call women fat... Now I know I'm not bombarded by media saying I should look like ________ or if I don't weigh __________ I'm not attractive, but still it affects me some when girls go for guys or guys go for girls based just around looks, how shallow! I might be heavier, but I have a good sense of humor, I know how to take care of a lady well, I am polite and I have a lot of positive attributes going for me that makes me a good boyfriend and in time, a good husband. Yet when I was younger, I did eat less because some people labelled me fat, I didn't binge and then purge, but I heard a voice in my head (negative voice) saying I shouldn't eat as much and as a result I'd finish eating dinner early, I'm full when I wasn't...

***

Now I don't know the stats when it comes to eating disorders, but I can venture a guess when I say that for females that either every girl has had an eating disorder or has known someone who has had one at one time. I wonder what can then be said about men and eating disorders, I'd hate it if we're the odd ones out, the ones swept under the rug and forgotten, because it does affect men and how they think they should look and something should be done about it.

[n][v]

3rd Paper for Integration of Psychology and Theology

2010-01-28T15:29:00.001-06:00

Engaging God’s World – Chapter 2: Creation
When I think about creation I reflect on some vacations I have taken and what I have seen; the woods of Wisconsin, the Pacific Ocean in Florida, the mountains of Colorado and the glaciers of Alaska to just name a few. Being in the great outdoors is where I love to be and for me it is where I connect with God the best; whether it is in the midst of pine trees tall and richly scented or among flowers that are full of color and are full of intricate design. For as much as I love the outdoors, my first love pertaining to God’s creation, His handiwork, isn’t found in nature but rather in humans.
Oh humans; skin color, eye color, hair color, ethnicity, height…and so much more, for we are all made by God, we are all Imago Dei’s (images of God) and yet we are all created differently. Granted we share traits that stem from our parents, but our strands of DNA are all our own at the same time. God in his awesome creativity of mankind hasn’t some cosmic copier that he uses to mass produce mankind, but rather like a skilled artist who knows how to utilize the palette can make so many variances of one particular subject, God the artist knows how to make us all so very different and yet so similar.
Yet in the midst of creation and even the creation story found in Genesis, there’s the seventh day, where God rested. God’s example of taking time to rest is something us humans need to observe; for as we go through our routines of life, school, work, etc. I think we forget that we were not made for these tasks but these tasks were made for us. We also need to recognize that working is a part of our lives; it probably would have been an easier existence if Adam and Eve did not sin, but that’s just speculation.
In my desire to integrate Psychology and Theology together in the area of creation I would offer those who speculate if God actually created all of this, to which I would probably get loud and boisterous and simply state to the skeptic, “Have you ever been outside?” Life is covered with the fingerprints of God, all of life points to something bigger and better, something divine and otherworldly. I’ve watched videos from the perspective of scientists (particularly Carl Sagan) and it is bittersweet to hear him talk; from one end there is his series about the cosmos (simply titled Cosmos) and you hear him talk about universes, black holes, solar systems, galaxies, etc. and it brings me to tears to hear about how vast the universe is and how it is structured, but it also brings me to tears that Carl Sagan, a very intelligent man, still speaks of the cosmos as something that just happened. Life didn’t “just happen”, it wasn’t a fluke or a cosmic oops that made everything, there was divine purpose in the creation of everything.
God created this world and everything in it, he also created the cosmos and everything it as well, and when he was done creating it he said “it is good”. God is a creator and a redeemer, though we have missed the mark, he still sent Jesus to come and live among us and then die for not only our sins but for the sins of everyone who was and is and who will be here long after we ourselves have passed away.
My desire is to reach out to others; to serve others and help people recognize the beauty in all creation, that God made all this and that it is good. Through him is life, through him is goodness, through him we can know him and his plans for us.

[n][v]

2nd Paper for Integration of Psychology and Theology

2010-01-28T15:28:00.001-06:00

Engaging God’s World – Chapter 1: Hope and Longing
Hope is a four letter word, but the possibility of what it could mean goes so much deeper; the hope for success in “the real world”, hope for doing better where previous generations have not, hope for taking the gifts God has given me and to utilize them for his kingdom – both now and when I finish my degree. These are actually things I hope for and long for.
Hope is a dream that I believe all humans dream, but dreams do not come to fruition if they’re kept in an unconscious state, the dreamer needs to wake up and act upon his dream, the dreamer needs to see his slice of hope carried out to fruition otherwise what’s the point of hoping? Plantinga states that “people yearn for a time gone by” (p. 3) but I truly wonder if they long for the hope they once had which never came about or the naiveté of thinking those times were better times. I truly believe that we should take what we remember of the past – both good and bad – and dwell on it ever so briefly, but move on to the present, move into the future. We cannot go back in time to those moments in our lives, we move linear and we have to go forward but I am fully aware that there are moments where it is hard to move on.
When it comes to hoping and longing for me as a Psychologist, it’s for that time in my life where what I have learned in my classes, learned from studying, learned from applying finally thoroughly “clicks” in my mind, the light-bulb-above-the-head moment, where what I have learned makes sense in its entirety; I understand a lot of what I know from a Psychologist’s point of view, but some I figure I will grasp when I’ve been in the field a bit more, when I’ve experienced more of life. I truly enjoy what I have been learning for the most part, which makes the Masters Degree process difficult for me, but I will deal with that once I get there, for now I have to take care of my undergrad.
As a Christian I truly hope and long for the time when I get to live out my dreams and passions in regards to my calling (Youth Ministry). I have been doing youth ministry for close to 8 years now and eventually I want to get into doing it on a fulltime basis. My plans, dreams, hopes and desires for this year (as I’m school) is to make some contacts and present myself to some Young Life clubs in the southern California area, so that maybe once I finish my undergrad I can transition quicker with doing Youth Ministry out there, youth ministry in southern California is where I’d like to be at least for a while.
The reason why I have hopes and longings is because if I didn’t I might think less and do less; why put effort in if nothing will come of it? But I know that if I have some ideas, both ones of my own but also God given ones, I can do something with my life that transcends me from where I’m at right here andright now. I also recognize that my hopes and longing don’t only pertain to me, but they are for a larger audience as well; Youth Ministry is instructing and equipping kids, but also their parental guardians, their communities, etc. There are so many people who get influenced by the message of the Gospel that it goes beyond transforming someone’s life, but rather lives.
In my pursuit of my hopes and longings I know I will get there, but for what I trust in God but I also have to have an active role and to do what’s required of me to get there, I cannot be a bystander but someone who goes the distance to make these hopes and longings a reality.

[n][v]

First paper of the semester!

2010-01-28T15:27:00.000-06:00

I like writing, a lot, and for this class I'm taking (Integration of Psychology and Christianity) I will be writing, a lot.

This is kinda filler for the time being, until I finish my Christian Girls are Boring* post, so enjoy...or not...but do! Hehe.

Nathanael Vitkus
Engaging God’s World – pages IX to XIX
Cornelius Plantinga Jr. is quick to suggest that Christian individuals have the upper hand when it comes to learning, I couldn’t agree with him more. When it comes to learning, whether on our own or in classroom settings like this one, we who are followers of Christ are able to get a better sense of God’s creations, his purpose for all this, the meaning of life, etc. God in his infinite wisdom and intelligence has designed us humans with a brain that not only control different functions within our bodies, but the capability and capacity to think.
Thinking not only in regards to our own lives, but to life as it is around us. Thinking isn’t solely based upon what we know through the lens of others, but it is also about developing our thoughts and opinions. From a personal standpoint I am not only a thinker, but a questioner; I like to pose the harder questions at times because sometimes they’re not brought up but also sometimes they need to be asked even if an answer doesn’t come to the surface. To me, questioning is not a bad thing because it not only stirs the proverbial pot but it also helps people to take their thoughts and get them out there. Sometimes questioning is the catalyst to make people think more about what they believe on the subject matter.
I recognize that through this semester this class will help me to take the concrete ideas pertaining to Psychology and what I believe as a follower of Christ that are locked away in my head and to get them out in the open. As an introspective person this is a challenge that I eagerly accept, because there are times in my life where these ideas are caged up because I am continually mulling over them as to whether I’m right or not and sometimes they don’t materialize as a result of my thought processes. Yet within this class lies my chance, my opportunity to write them out and perhaps even expound even more on my thoughts and beliefs in both Psychology as well as Christianity.
As Plantinga said; “every Christian naturally speaks the faith with his own accent” (page XV), I too wish to develop my accent this semester even more than I already have. So when situations present themselves I can be better equipped when it comes to integrating Psychology and Christianity. Not just of what I believe, but why I believe, not just for my own personal betterment, but for the betterment of others as well.
[n][v]
P.S. The writing will be brief chapter summaries, quality over quantity, my thoughts on it, etc. I hope I don't make any enemies because I'm going to speak my mind...and sometimes even verbally, because the Professor wants us to share with the class 4x in the semester what we wrote.

No one talks about eating disorders pertaining to men...why is that?

2010-01-28T15:25:00.000-06:00

Against all Odds (take a look at ME now)

2010-01-12T17:35:00.003-06:00

'Twas the night before first day of classes...

Today I went back to school after taking a year off; some of it was financial reasons and some of it was personal, but I am damn happy to be back.

Why? you might ask, well it goes like this.

When I was very little my parents talked about college, about their experiences and what a college degree can do for you! Needless to say I wanted "in" on this college thing, I didn't know what I wanted to major in but I was already being indoctrinated in the ways of I want a college degree and I won't succeed in "the real world" unless I have a degree.

Now since then I have figured out what I want to major in (good thing to do btw, especially since I'm in my Senior year ) and what I will be doing with that degree (and very possible down the road -- Master's degree) and all the things that go with it, but here lies my crux. In my 25 of living, I have met plenty of individuals who are successful in what they do, and get this, without getting a degree whatsoever! It doesn't irk me that they're doing well without, it does irk me that my mentality has been get the degree = better job, life, et al. It can make a difference in one's life, but some things override that, such as experience.

I question even now if there will ever come a time where a degree counts, but experience in whatever field is weighed as something more valuable, take for instance me and Youth Ministry; I have 7 going on 8 years of working with jr. high and high school students, para-church and inside the church, upper socioeconomic statused kids as well as lower socioeconomic statused kids, I have experienced a lot in my time and I have what it takes to get into my calling full time...but I don't have a Youth Min degree (almost did, but that's another story).

Anyway, I've been in school on again and off again for close to 7 years, and I won't rationalize why it has taken me so long but some factors include not having the money (which was the case for me not returning to school last year) and taking care of my mom as she went through chemo therapy, etc. pertaining to her breast cancer (I was her primary caretaker).

I'm excited and nervous, but ultimately determined to do what I need to do, to take all the classes (4 left! w00t!) I need and finish up strong.

And as Slim Shady sang about me; Guess who's back, back again
and the theme song from that show in the 70's; Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back
I'm back at school,
I'm back at finishing my undergrad degree in Psychology,
I'm nearing the finish line and I'm not going to slow down for anything (God willing).

I'm glad to be back, I've already had some good conversations with Professors rather than friends, but all in due time.

And where to from there?

Well I aim to make connections to people I know and some Youth Ministries out in Southern California, get connected here and then plug in once I graduate out there. That's the plan and the goal for me! But first things first, my undergrad degree, damn it's good to be back on track!

[n][v]

Carl Wilkens: The last American to stay

2010-01-08T09:06:00.004-06:00

The other night I had the opportunity to hear Carl Wilkens at one of the local homeless shelters in my hometown. Now prior to hearing him speak I didn't know much about him, the extent I knew of him at that time was what was mentioned on Facebook; an adventist pastor, a speaker and then I saw something else the only American to stay in Rwanda during the 1994 genocide (underline for emphasis).

The only American to stay in Rwanda during the genocide, one of the worst genocides of the late 20th century, I had to hear him speak. One of my NYE/NYD resolutions for this year goes as follows; To be more active -- politically; whether it's by way of writing letters to state Senators or by protesting/marching against things the government stands for but I do not, I want to step it up more than just talking politics. Well I figured that part of my NYE/NYD resolution could be partially achieved with hearing Carl speak, since I have been learning more about genocides and how our government has been involved as well as not involved, plus I didn't know that much about the genocide in Rwanda apart from brief snippets in one documentary I saw as well as the movie Hotel Rwanda.

Well I arrived there a little late and I wish I didn't, there were more people than I expected and certainly more people than they expected. I talked a little bit to a couple I know and shortly there after Carl Wilkens was introduced and then he started his presentation.

Carl Wilkens was quick to state that the Rwandan genocide and genocides of past do not occur quickly, but rather they are planned and premeditated way in advance. He mentioned that some of the people who premeditated the genocide attended a university in Toronto, to which some people are trying to figure out the classes they took et al. but they're hitting some walls because of privacy rules pertaining to students in general. The genocide inflicted upon the Tutsis by the Hutus occurred as a result of differences that they themselves did not create, but rather the Belgian/French government stated differences which was put onto the I.D's of the Rwandans which stated whether they were Hutu or Tutsi.

The sad factor of the genocide was that there was a presence of foreigners; Carl expressed that the genocide probably could have been avoided by way of Americans and others just being there, he said that presence (and not a military presence) could have been the deciding factor whether that genocide occurred or not. Another factor to outside help that could have prevented this genocide was by simply standing up (metaphorically) and stating that no, we as a group of people will not let this happen, we will stop it...but it never did happen, there wasn't help from outside countries, but rather the UN and troops from outside governments came in to take out those who were foreigners to begin with, not to deal with the growing tension of the Hutus to the Tutsis.
As a result of what was done as well as what wasn't done, 800,000 people died in 100 days (the length of the genocide). As I listened to what Carl had to say, my heart was filled with pain as to what wasn't done by outside countries (especially the American government), but also just the sheer hatred among groups of people.

***

I don't know how the 21st century will be perceived, I don't know if the next 100 years will top the prior 100 years as being the bloodiest, but I will do my part to make it better. I am only one person, but it takes people like me and people like you to make this world a better place, not just for those you love and hate but also for those I love and hate. Genocide's stem from thinking that the world would be better without (insert group of people here), as an individual I aim to keep from thinking that and encouraging others not to think that way, to embrace difference no matter how different it is.

This is what I learned in more detail from Carl Wilkens, I'm glad he came to speak.

[n][v]

Her presence is known...by the evil one.

2010-01-03T22:16:00.002-06:00

As some of you know, my sister Hannah left for a missions trip today. She will be visiting 11 countries in the next 11 months, the countries she will be going to are as follows:

January: New Zealand
February: Australia
March: Malaysia
April: Thailand
May: Cambodia
June: Kenya
July: Uganda
August: ATL (Ask the Lord) in Africa
September: Romania
October: Ukraine
November: ATL in Eastern Europe

It was revealed to me in a dream last night that he, Satan, also knows of her plans.

***

I was recalling my day spent with my sisters in an unconscious state when my dream was paused and a voice interrupted me. Excuse me a dark voice said to me but I need to let you know something, it's up to you if you choose to tell her or not the voice said. My master knows of your sister's trip and he is going to do what he can to destroy her spiritually. We know she can handle the physical labor required of her on this trip, but we are going to do what we can in our power to damage her spiritually. This spokesdemon portrayed ways in which they are going to try to go after my sister, in ways that are environmental, in ways that are personal, and other ways as well.

I do admit that I have interacted with spiritual warfare in a more physical way than others, ultimately the presence of darker darkness and pure evil is what I feel, I have never felt the presence of Satan or demons to be good or welcoming, it is always dark and foul.
Yet with this visit last night I know they are planning a [spiritual] attack on someone I care for deeply, while my sister is a follower of Christ, I know she hasn't had many encounters with spiritual warfare...but I will be vigilant and pray for her spiritual welfare on this missions trip, Satan is going to after her with all he has, his power is limited but by no means will evil conquer good, my sister might slip and she might fall, but I know that with God's strength to protect her she will get up time and time again.

1 Peter 5:8
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

[n][v]

Giving Thanks: Life (part of my story)

2010-01-03T21:50:00.000-06:00

For this part of my giving thanks stories, I am going to reveal part of my story, now it's not the best as far as experience, but my circumstances put me into that mode and it is part of my story, so please...judge not, eh?

I am thankful to God for life, but maybe 10 years ago it wasn't so.

My parents don't have the ideal marriage and it was very visible for myself and my sisters 3 growing up. Work played a higher priority in my father's life (still does) than us his family, and so this and other things took a toll on our family dynamic.
I, the only guy in the family, surrounded by 3 sisters and my mom, made life difficult for me and I became (and was) the "wild child". Some of it stemmed from my mom taking on both parental roles, some of it was from watching how my father treated her and some of it was of my own doing. Anyway, I wasn't a good son growing up to my mom.

But within my trouble I inflicted upon my mom, I was also troubling myself; I was depressed, lonely (though it didn't seem like it) and sad (it didn't seem like it either). So I guess it was around 8 years ago that I tried to commit suicide for the first time.

I rummaged the medicine cabinet for all the pills I could find, I reckon I popped 70-80 specific health condition pills before I decided to call it a night, call it a life. Yet I woke up the next morning with a very bad stomach ache/hangover kinda feel, but I was alive.

The second time I tried to commit suicide I got out a razor blade and I intended to slit my wrists, but my conscious started speaking to me; Do you really want to kill yourself? Do you want one of your sisters to find you in a puddle of your own blood? You'll hurt your family more than you will ever hurt yourself if you go through with this. I dropped the razor blade and backed away from it to go to my room and just cry, I knew I couldn't go through with it but life still sucked.
In the time to come I became involved with the youth group of the church I attended, the youth pastor was new to his vocation, but still able to see through some of the facades I would wear around church.
He spent time with me, no, let me rephrase that, he invested time in me and asked the questions no one else would; whether peers or adults who had known me for a LONG time, I guess they thought everything was fine in my life, our family was considered the ideal family (but this was a life). My youth pastor helped me out, by providing me with council and helping me in my spiritual development, I got involved with the leadership team and I was loving it all.
Tragically my youth pastor and his wife left shortly into my Senior year of high school, no one will give me a definitive answer to why they left, but I am certain it was church politics and his "radical" approach to things -- nothing bad, but sometimes when you make waves in the church, the higher ups take such waves and treat them like tsunamis.
Yet what Dave instilled in my life did not necessarily require for them to be there, while it was sad to see them go, the changes God produced and they nurtured were able to continue even with them no longer in the picture.

It was also about that time that I felt my calling to Youth Ministry; knowing that I could relate to other kids and be relevant to them and have a good time among other things, I started on my road as a youth minister.
When I finished high school I found out that there was a new youth minister at my old church who needed help with the Jr. Highers. I shared with the leaders who took over for Dave if they'd like me to stay at our church and help them out, my loyalties were with my church first, but they gave me their blessing and said go for it at my old church.

So in 2003 I started youth ministry and it has been an awesome and sometimes painful road, but I don't regret any of it (well, besides breaking down a cabin door on my first Winter Retreat as a leader...but that's another story). I thank God for all the kids I have gotten to know over the years and for those I remain in contact with (my kids as I call them, I have seen them go on to do great things, we're all works-in-progress though ).

So for the time being I help out with one of my church's youth groups, I am a youth ministry consultant to another, and then there's a bicycle repair program I'm involved with and I am also part of a mentoring program at my other church.
My goal is to move out to Southern California when I am done with my undergrad degree next year, I know some people out there and I want to give California a try for a while, doing more of the same that I am doing here and hopefully it'll be full time youth ministry.

So that's a part of who I am, a part of my story. Have any questions? feel free to message me or if you want to email me my email address is NPVitkus@gmail.com I'd love to answer your question[s] if I can.

[n][v]

How much of this is believable?

2010-01-03T20:51:00.000-06:00

I don't buy into billions of years that it supposedly took to create the universe,
but when it comes to billions of stars/suns/solar systems...how much of that is truly believable?

[n][v]

Giving Thanks: Family

2010-01-03T19:52:00.000-06:00

Family; for me it is a big part of who I am and who I am becoming, though my family dynamic might look different than yours (which is true for anyone and who they define as family).

Family for me is my sisters 3 and myself. Sure I have a father and a mom, but because of different circumstances I no longer (at this point) consider us 6 a family. We 4 are getting to the point in our lives that we're moving out and away from our hometown in Illinois; some of us are away because of school and some have relocated elsewhere, I myself will be moving out to Southern California (God willing).

My sisters and I grew up in a house where we were very close proximity wise but maybe not as friends let along siblings. Each of us dabbled into each other's creative space, whether sports/music/writing/art, but we all reigned (and still do) in various areas.
It was easier to get along with some of my sisters than others, but I think at this chapter in our lives we all get along fine, different in some ways, but it all works out well.

While we are moving apart distance-wise, we are still in touch via phone/facebook/etc. I am glad we're still in touch because there are times where life just gets me down and sometimes it helps to talk it out with people who are closer than my friends, my family. We're already making plans for when my youngest sister is in her senior year of college; 7-9 days in the Bahamas on a cruiseboat. We've already laid down the groundwork for it; we are doing this adventure ALONE, without parental units, without spouses (if any of us have them), just us 4, just us family.

[n][v]

A visit to the local mosque

2009-12-15T22:49:00.000-06:00

I'm not questioning what I believe as a follower of Christ, I am not wavering in my faith and "experimenting", it's just that I have Muslim friends and I know how they worship and do different things based on what they have told me but also what I have learned pertaining to Muslims and Islam.
I contacted the local mosque and they invited me, so I went...read on, eh? :)

Two Fridays ago I had the chance to visit the local mosque. I arrived early and I am glad I did, because it gets really crowded in their "sanctuary". There are no seats except for at the back of the sanctuary, perhaps for visitors like me and maybe those who cannot pray as a Muslim does because it requires a lot of serious face-to-the-floor praying and then in the next instant they're back on their feet facing heaven.
The Imam spoke spoke from the Koran that day, sharing how when we are a blessing to others, our blessing in their lives might encourage them to be a blessing to others themselves! He spoke from the Koran in Arabic, but he spoke plenty in English as well.

One thing I will say about the service and the Muslims that were gathered, they were more hospitable to me than the practicing Jews at the local Synagogue (I too went there to learn how Jews worship by way of observing); less eye daggers and more greetings of salam alaikum which is kind of like the passing of the peace some of us followers of Christ share with one another, I know this phrase so I in return shared alaikum salam which is returning their peace be with you with peace be unto you as well, those that I returned this too smiled without a facade of what is this guy doing?

After the service I met Jim* and we started talking casually, how nice the weather has been, how it's great to see the changing of seasons, etc. Jim is originally from Jordan, and he shared how in his country it is desert, there is no visible sign of change like here in Illinois.

I then ventured to ask Jim a pertinent question, I asked him how he carried out his beliefs as a Muslim on a day-to-day basis, to which he shared with me how he treats others with respect, how he treats others as he himself would like to be treated.
Jim then asked me if I were a Christian, to which I honestly shared that I am, HE then started asking ME questions!
He shared with me that his boss is a Christian and recently they started talking about what it means to be a Christian and from Jim's perspective what it means to be a Muslim. Jim asked me what did Isaiah refer to Jesus as being god (a lesser god than God)? I explained a little bit to Jim about what Christians believe in regards to the Trinity, I broke it down as easy as I could because it's an unfamiliar concept for Muslims.
He then shared with me how it found it to be very odd but amusing and cool that God would come to earth to and wrestle with one of his own, Jacob wrestled with God, and Jim thought it was interesting that God, creator of everything, came to earth to pick a fight with one of his own I too find that interesting.

After our conversation we shook hands and were about to go, but I stopped Jim and asked him how I could pray for him, he was a little suprised that I would ask this (but this is becoming more of who I am, thanks be to God) but he shared with me that needed prayer for guidance and then Jim asked how he could pray for me, I shared how I was in need of a second job because of the economy. Our handshake became more of a hand embrace if you will, it lasted till we parted ways, it was definitely a God moment inside a mosque.

***

I aim to return to that mosque, to hear what the Imam has to say but to also build community with some of the Muslims in my area. I don't aim to convert them or anything, but to love on them and build friendships. True love has no agenda is something I say now and then, and this is an area where it is true, to be their friend and let what I believe flow out of me. St. Francis of Assisi said it best; "Share the Gospel at all times and use words when necessary." I do use words, but sometimes me being there or just listening speaks larger volumes than I ever could. Thanks be to God for opportunities for his love to flow out of me even in a mosque among Muslims.

[n][v]

*not his real name

The Love List - Things I love

2009-12-15T22:47:00.000-06:00

Things I love:
- Photography
- Writing
- Sunsets
- Pints of Guinness with my theology bro's
- French kissing
- Holding hands
- Giving back massages
- Snuggling
- Laying in bed with the blankets over my head
- Smiling kids, waving to kids
- Good communication
- Puns
- Documentaries
- Sleeping in
- Waking up to a chill song (my mp3 player doubles as my alarm clock).
- Art by Van Gogh
- My family; my sisters 3 and I
- Dreams that I have
- Dreams that will come true
- Her *swoon* I love her so much already

What's on your list?

[n][v]

Dreams are for dreamers (and I am one)

2009-12-15T22:46:00.000-06:00

2 nights ago this is what I dreamt:

I was on my way to Nashville with my 2 of my sisters to visit my other sister for Christmas. We were entering into Kentucky from Indiana which happens by crossing over a large bridge. I dreamt we were rear-ended by a semi and he knocked us off the bridge! We fell 50-60 feet into the water and my car started to sink, I was able to get out but my sisters were having difficulties getting out, they were in need of help but I didn't help either of my sisters not out of selfishness, but because the moral dilemma questioned which sister would I save over the one I did not and I didn't want to have to deal with people saying well you saved ___________ instead of ____________, why is that? So (in my dream) I saved myself only, I watched as my sisters pounded on the rear window looking at me forlornly, as my car faded into the deep and I swam to the surface.

Yikes!

This actually started off 8 hours of bad dreams

Though last night, I had a good dream, it lasted me 6 hours

If any of you have seen the movie Across the Universe, take that plot for the most part but replace the music with that of Bob Dylan and that's what I dreamt about. I remember for part of my dream I was chasing a cute redhead

(not this girl, but I had to find a picture for reference or something like that...)

I was chasing her in a way lovers do sometimes, it was fun and enjoyable, I like being the pursuer at times and sometimes I like being pursued myself. Another aspect of my dream was that Bob Dylan actually had a cameo in the movie/dream! Someone I was with said Look there's Robert Zimmerman! He corrected my friend saying his name was Bob Dylan and don't you forget it!
Oh dreaming, finding her in my unconscious state is easy, but I need to find her in real life...and I will! For better or worse, I like dreaming, but there is a time for that and a time for also interacting with others.

[n][v]

Starting to write my Christmas cards

2009-12-15T22:41:00.000-06:00

This is a song for my Xangamigos who are down and out on love, love will return to you :)

***

I have all I need to start writing my Christmas cards, and some of those I am sending cards to are people I know through here (I wish I could send you all one, but my budget is quite tight this year ). I've decided even though I am down and out on love as far as boyfriend-girlfriend relationships go, I will do my best to spread a bit of Christmas cheer with those around me, not as a facade but as an encouragement to others as well as myself. I admit that this Christmas season I've been a little Grinchy (having a sour disposition on life, being a bit of a jerk to different people, maybe some anger towards others as well -- not that they deserve it);

Being single isn't necessarily a bad thing, but there are times where it absolutely sucks, now is one of those times where it sucks to be single. I enjoy spending holidays with SO's, but I haven't one and while I am looking and praying, I know I can't rush things this time around and I know I will have to take it slow. But moving slow and forward works for me.

On another note, I've decided that among the people I will send cards to this year, I will include the President as well as his family. Sure a LOT of people are probably doing this, but I want to be a voice that says to President Obama and family Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Don't forget He (Jesus) is the reason for this season. I also want to encourage him from someone who voted for him, that regardless of what 2010 has to offer, I will continue to pray for him and for those who help run the country with him.
As a follower of Christ I believe wholeheartedly that we should pray for those who are politically in charge, even if we don't align ourselves with some of all of their views. As some of you followers of Christ know, there are some followers of Christ who are anti-Obama and they say pretty rotten things pertaining to the President, do NOT act like they do, God is in control so don't fret.

That's all I have this evening,
[n][v]

Thoughts about church

2009-12-15T22:39:00.000-06:00

Now I've known this for a while now, and some of you already know this already, but I'm sharing it anyway;

This is a collage of 615 photos I took [when it was nicer outside] for the church I attend, I was going with church architectural designs, I could talk about it but not right now.
What you see might seem like church to you, but really it isn't. For you see, the church isn't the building itself but the group of individuals, followers of Christ, "saints and sinners", believers, Christians, etc. who gather within the building.
This past Christmas Eve I attended 3 different Christmas Eve services, my pastor at The Warehouse actually invited my father and I up to partake in lighting the last Advent candle prior to the Christ candle, it was great to be with all those individuals, for better or worse, to worship and praise God in our distinct ways -- this is the church.

When I was at each of these 3 buildings surrounded by followers of Christ and those who want to be more like him, I related to the people around me, opening up to the real/authentic Nathanael, which I feel comfort, trust and security with letting people in with who I really am, when I do this people, more often than not, reciprocate the feeling and they themselves become real/authentic with me -- this is the church.

Singing songs, praying together, praying for one another and lifting one another up -- this is the church. It's about living together, building communal, intentional, relational, emotional friendships that can last a lifetime. With my intent on moving out to Southern California next year I've been pondering some things, one of them being when I move out there what will say about me pertaining to my family and friends? Sure I will keep in contact with a lot of them via facebook/email/phone/snail mail/et al. But what does it say about me? I've been a downer to myself about it all, but I've made up in my mind that if God is the vine and we are the branches, I can take leave and graft myself anywhere and continue my journey and story as a follower of Christ, the see-ya-laters won't be forever, I'll still visit IL now and then (preferably when there's no snow on the ground ), this is just a part of growing up and making roots and a life for my own.

We who are followers of Christ are the church, we need to remember that; for the times when we walk out the doors of a building we're not walking away from all, we have a chance to take root elsewhere and grow into whom God is shaping us to become.

[n][v]

I think I have a television character based alter ego...

2009-12-05T22:45:00.000-06:00

Tonight I was at a social function with my mom, people were required to wear name tags so that we could meet and greet a little bit easier, but I being my creative self (or deviant, you choose) did this with my name tag;

Now so you don't get stumped, I wore a name tag that said Hello my name is House M.D. Dr. House, the guy from House M.D. is someone I'm starting to see myself as, in some weird way I am kinda like Dr. House to some people in my life -- for better or worse.

In case you don't know much about the character, Dr. House is a very intelligent doctor but his quirks and personality drive people to him but equally or a bit more it drives people away from him. His fellow doctors are constantly being at their wits end over this guy, the girl Dr. House pursues is someone he repels away by him simply being himself, I think that's how I can be at times -- repelling and appealing to others based on me being me, I know some girls are fascinated by my knowledge, my noticing the little things, my attention to detail, my love for God and others. This flows out of me sometimes because that is who I am, but then there's the ME that pisses people off. It's not a I'm-doing-this-because-I'm-a-shock-jock-wannabe scenario but I do know and sometimes use stronger language (i.e.4 letter words) because something affects me deeper and worse than mere "clean" words as it were can accomplish, but I have stipulations around my swearing:
1) Not around little kids, they wouldn't grasp my reason as to why I swear
and
2) I'm working hard at not swearing around my sister, she GETS me and what is troubling me IS serious, I've cut back A LOT of what I say around her, but she gets my plight.

I swear for good reasons, I have even been able to find reasons in which to say God damn (which if you want to know the basis of that, email me) fill-in-the-blank. My mom would say I swear just to swear, but if she would listen to me instead of just hear me, my thoughts and ideas would make sense to her and her holier-than-thou thou-shalt-not-swear-th attitude would leave and there would be less tension between her and I.

I also seem to repel people at times because I am blunt, I sometimes tell it like it is and that's not always kosher in today's society, too often we're supposed to play nice with others and not talk about the large pink elephant in the room which is there, but I see it and I talk about it! It's called having balls, it's called loving on others and sometimes that requires a verbal smacking around.

My repelling of others continues in the form of being very protective of those I call my own and that coincides with my savior complex; I sometimes feel like I need to protect and save some people in my life, as if they can't on their own OR if I don't help no one else will.
This is not a good place to be, and I'm fighting it and not going it as wholeheartedly and with much zeal as I once did, but it is still there, sometimes knawing at me do something it whispers in a silky voice if you don't no one else will it beckons me...but if I start saving or protecting one individual, it will lead to another which will lead to another and I am only one guy! I can make a difference, but I need to think it out and plan, do what I can and entrust God with the rest.

So I guess maybe this is my version of Confessions, I'm no ancient church father but I do have my share of gifts and faults which I bring to the table wherever I go to whomever I am with. I'm Dr. House, I am me, but guess what? There's no one I rather be than myself and I am satisfied most of the time with the person God is making me become; chip by chip, layer by layer, this statue of a man that lays before will be completed in God's time not my own.

[n][v]

My thoughts about leadership (pertaining to me, can't say only but can't say everybody)

2009-12-05T22:44:00.000-06:00

This past year I have come to this conclusion about leadership pertaining to me;
If I am somewhere in need of a leader because where I'm at lacks one, I will be that leader & if I am somewhere in need of a better/more efficient, I will take over.
I've been to a few places (prior to this change of mind) where it wasn't my scene, in particular some church functions that occurred in churches that I don't attend, and the leadership (or lack thereof) was pretty bad; unorganized, scatterbrained, dysfunctional and kids wanted to know what they wanted to do, but they bleated like lambs without a shepherd and I didn't do anything because it wasn't my church.
But after recognizing this in hindsight, I shared with a woman who is the youth director at my church who was at this church function my thoughts on this and she thought this was a good idea; to step up when everyone seems to be sitting down, to be a leader even though it isn't my 'flock to lead' as it were.

Now I know some people's reaction to this might be how dare you do something like this, you're not the boss! I know I'm not, but if no one is stepping up and calling the shots, I as a leader will step up and be that leader; not being cocky or bossy, but just taking charge for a while.

Being a leader comes very naturally to me, I have charima and passion to get people/ideas/the ball rolling. I sometimes chide that it has to do with my last name (Vitkus) which translates from Lithuanian into English as one who leads to which my sisters 3 and I all have different roles of leadership.

I am a follower as well, which I admit has been pretty humbling at times because it's about submitting to authority (not blindly on my part) and doing what they request of me even though I rather not, submitting to authority figure is something I struggle with from time-to-time because I question their intents and I have WHY questions, to which because I said so answers don't work for me (just ask my parents).

But I'm getting there, being a better leader and being a better follower, something for me to further expand upon in the not so distant future of 2010

[n][v]

P.S. A quote about leadership; "I’ve been involved in a number of cults both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower but you make more money as a leader." -- Creed from The Office

A call to leadership on my part: Hat & Glove drive

2009-12-05T22:43:00.000-06:00

Now I want to thank God in advance for equipping me to acting on this in the now, some things in life I have mentally thought it can wait till I'm older, it can wait till I have more financial resources but this thing I have got off the ground was without resources of my own, but just a desire to see a need get taken care of.

***

When I was working at the local soup kitchen last Thursday a young woman approached me as we were just getting the place cleaned up. She asked me if we had any hats and gloves, I didn't know so I asked Pam* (my boss kinda sorta) if we did and she sadly told the woman that we didn't.
Finding out that we didn't have this to offer the people who come through our doors saddened me, we do have food, winter jackets, toiletry kits, even sleeping bags to give away to those who come, but the absence of hats and gloves in weather likes this got the gears in my head moving.

Pam I asked my boss What if I get a hat/glove drive with the churches I'm involved with? She thought this was a good idea and so I text messaged both of the lead pastors at my church, I got the approval! I was asked by one of my pastors to give a short plug about my intentions and the need that's there at the soup kitchen, I also realized that the anxieties that I sometimes have when talking in front of people was gone, but that's because I knew my audience, I knew what I was going to talk about and I have a desire and a passion to help others...thanks be to God.
I received an email from my church's secretary, she told me I have a bunch of hats and gloves waiting for me to pick up! I'm excited that people heard what I had to say and are doing what they can to see my hat/glove drive happen. My goals for the rest of the day besides the usual is to talk to some more churches I've worked with and see if I can do more of the same.

[n][v]

*Not her real name

I'm a rebel

2009-12-05T22:42:00.000-06:00

Hello, my name is Nathanael, I am a rebel.

Not my intro, but if you invest time in me you will find that this is true.

I can identify with these guys:

(James Dean, Marlon Brando and Hans Solo respectively)

I'm a soul rebel like Bob Marley
I'm a rebel rebel like David Bowie
I have a rebel yell like Billy Idol,

***

Paying heed to authority figures has been a life long struggle, to simply do something as a result of it being the law causes me to think that the ones who say these things are keepers and enforcers of the law i.e. cops, but to see these keepers and enforcers of the law break the laws they supposedly uphold leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth and I see double standard and liar stamped on their foreheads for doing so.
Yet I don't break all of the laws, I have common sense and more sense to boot, so you won't see me with a bottle of Jack in my hand while driving 55mph in a 30. I know better than that though some people might say if you're gonna follow laws might as follow them all, but that isn't me, I excerise some things that don't affect people, such as going 5mph over the limit on country roads or 10mph over while on the expressway, it's all about balance.

Yet as I think about being a rebel, not all of it has been bad; I think for myself, I make views that are my own, I don't cling to the tenants and beliefs of my parents for their sake but for my sake.
Being a rebel has made me step up and say what I think, so it has made me bolder. Being a rebel has made me generate thought ideas that differ from the groupthink that I'm sometimes a part of.

***

But being a rebel has its downsides; I'm not as easily convinced on somethings, I need to be "broken down" a little bit before I comply with things [such as the status quo etc], I argue a lot and I honestly think too much at times with certain people i.e. the parents <--- but it also stems from having a mom who fights like me and having an absent father in my life is hardcore passive aggressive.

But God is working in me through all this, to be a better leader and to be a rebel where its needed. I like how God works through me and I have the desire to change and bring about change, but to also retain parts of who I am.

[n][v]

Take time to make time: Jim's story

2009-12-01T22:54:00.000-06:00

   Today I meant to meet up with some people at the place I work, but I happened to have arrive when the people I intended to meet with were out.
   I had my camera on me because I was out and camera-in-hand-itis is what I am afflicted with and there's no cure!
    Anyway, I walked out and a guy who was eating lunch at the local church (where they serve a free meal on Thursdays) asked me you're not going to take my photo, are you? I said to him, no sir, not if you don't want to, I myself photograph so I don't have to be photographed.
    He smiled at that and he and I started talking. Now this happens a great deal and I earnestly think God flicks off my fear switch and I approach people, face-to-face, eye-to-eye, and just talk and listen where needed be.
   Jim* starts talking to me about life and what's going on in his life, he also starts cracking jokes about the other people gathered, some in fun but also some of what they're addicted to. I start talking soccer with Jim and I share how much a mutual friend of ours loves his country's soccer team to the point that I had a verbal argument about soccer in church! He shared how that's how some people are, him being half Brazilian, he knows and I know! Brazilian soccer is pretty kick ass, plus they had Pele...back to my story.
   Jim starts asking about my vocation, I share how I am a senior in the field of Psychology, he starts asking what I plan to do when I am done with my degree, I share I really don’t know and he starts giving advice to which the best part of what he shared was to not be intimidated by people who might have gone to a more prodigious school than I have, paper is paper, show them what you have to offer. I share with Jim how I find that my calling is Youth Ministry, he perks up on that and asks if he can give me a “three second interview” pertaining to Youth Ministry, the “why should we hire you” and related. At the end of all this he shakes my hand and wishes me a good day, I ask him as he rises “Jim, how can I pray for you?”
   Jim sits back down, he’s more quiet and reserved now, he responds in close to a whisper; my addiction is alcohol, I listen and he shares with me some of the things he went through; how he was once in school himself, how he majored in Business and Linguistics but he dropped out in his 3rd year. I listen to what he has to say and then he shares how our conversation wasn’t fueled by alcohol, that what he shared with me was real, to which I do believe him when he says it wasn’t the booze talking.
   He goes back to being lively and talkative and he gets up again and says Nathanael, I might be an alcoholic but I am a judge of good character, you have it and you have a good heart, you will make it and you will succeed. We shake hands and we part ways.
   I smiled as I walk to my car because of God working within me to BE with someone, to listen and talk, to love on the ones the world loves to hate, to take time to make time. I also smiled because a guy who I never met, a guy who dropped out of college, who is addicted to alcohol, who has gone through some rough times – affirmed me in what I find to be my calling, to work with youth and aid to their spiritual development.
   I am thankful to God for the many opportunities to go and BE, I enjoy investing my time instead of spending it in the lives of others, including strangers who are aware of their brokeness.
   As my friend Justin says; "My worldview includes you." To which I hope I do see the broader picture, to see the other-worldly, to include everyONE in my scope of life and to love on everyone including those that world loves to hate.

[n][v]

*not his real name

Is "Putting Up" with someone healthy?

2009-12-01T22:53:00.000-06:00

Last night I was was watching my sister play indoor with my mom, we got to casually talking and she told me how she spent some time with *Pam earlier in the day. Now Pam is someone my mom has known a long while, but the friendship (or so my says it is) has always been give-and-take; my mom gives and Pam takes, there's no sharing, plus Pam has a few kids I've worked with in the context of Youth Ministry, they might have grown up and started a life of their own, but we keep in touch...
Anyway, I hate and rarely call women this, but Pam's a real bitch to my mom. EVERYthing has to be run by Pam, while my mom can suggest things, that's as far as it gets, suggestions. My mom is smart, educated, but those she chooses to call her friends sometimes boggles my mind, because for most of us we have friends who are more like us than those who are different, and yet Pam is WAY different than my mom... To some degree she has attributes that remind me of my father, perhaps that's another reason why I don't like her so much.

Anyway, we started talking about her time with Pam and she mentioned to me that this is the first time they hung out in 3 months, and then she says Pam is my best friend...

*jaw drop*

So Mom I ask her You haven't hung out with her in 3 months and you still consider her your best friend? Yes I do. I was absolutely perplexed at my mom's statement, and in some ways I still am.

Thing is, I don't have a best friend (I did, but she broke my heart and ended our engagement, but that's another story), I do have a good friends who are very similar to me; we're social justice minded, we're not in it for the money, we're in it to serve God by serving others, we also like to discuss Theology over a pint or two of beer (hence my love for Guinness).
One of these good friends of mine I work with in the context of Youth Ministry at one of the churches I attend, I see him 2-3 times a week! The lines of communication are very open, it also helps that I've known this guy for 14 years. Time and trust has forged a great friendship, if he was here I'd let y'all know about Ben even moreso.

***

After the soccer game I was driving my sister and I back home, we started talking about the game and then I transitioned into talking about mom and Pam and how she puts up with her and still labels her best friend. My sister shared how she finds this very possible, how she and her best friend only hang out 30-40 minutes a week, how they don't always see eye-to-eye, she too puts up with her friend and it works out well according to my sister.

I can't help but think that putting up with someone's little foibles, as long as they're not endangering themselves, someone else and myself, okay I can put up with that. Yet how far is too far with putting up with someone? I mean, if I were dating someone who was a drug user, I wouldn't gloss over their drug use or put up with it, I would help them out where I could.

***

So maybe this is a gender thing, maybe us guys aren't too keen of putting up with more than the little things, but I really don't know -- this is where you the reader, if you're still here, can add your 2 cents to this.

[n][v]

*not her real name

Yes I might be a bit more liberal than you, so what?

2009-11-12T10:01:00.001-06:00

I was originally thinking of calling this something similar to "No, I'm not as conservative as you think I am" but that paints conservatives in the negative, to which I don't have a problem with y'all (but there ARE some conservatives I have problems with...read on)

Disclaimer: this might piss of some of you homeschoolers that know my family and me, you might say "isn't that Phil and Nancy's son and wasn't he homeschooled?" Yes, it is I, Nathanael, and yes I was homeschooled from K-12, but I have changed some views of my homeschooled days since I've been to College AND started thinking for myself.

I was talking to a friend of mine earlier and we were discussing one of those "hot buttons" that exists within our culture, especially among Christians. Now I won't get into it because I know a lot of you won't see eye-to-eye on it and instead of discussing it like civilized human beings some of you are going to raise hell and act like little children. Anyway, my friend realized and exclaimed "wow you are more liberal" to me, not in a bad way, but just in a way to say "hey, you're thinking for yourself, you're a winner" or something close.

See, that's where my guff lies with some people, it's not in reference to whether you're conservative, liberal or somewhere in the middle, it's that these views aren't yours, they're someones elses. Now I'm fine with conservatives, liberals, middle peeps, etc. but when I hear you open your mouth and say something similar to "Well my Mom says or well my Dad says..." it just floors me, haven't you a mind? (yes) haven't you a heart? (I hope so) So come out and state views from YOUR perspective, no need to ride on the coattails of your parents anymore.
So if you say "well I am a conservative/liberal/etc. because ________ and __________" and these things you share with me are from your perspective, bravo! I am happy that you have opinions that are your own, more power to you.

Now another issue I might face with some of you might be wrapped around Christianity; saying “Well God won’t ___________” or “God doesn’t love ___________” and I’m going to hell in a hand basket because I’m a bit more liberal than you, so what? Since when do you know the mind and heart of God COMPLETELY to the extent that you think God doesn’t like the same stuff you do, Anne Lamott said something in this vein of thought; “You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.” Ouch fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, doesn’t that sting you, at least a little bit?

Now lastly if you're reading this over and just nodding your head in disagreement, okay, let's discuss this like adults...but if you're reading and nodding your head AND questioning whether I am a follower of Christ, I just gotta say God loves you even if I do not. Because seriously, we are not called to be Cookie Cutter Christians! We all have different thoughts, ideas, backgrounds and so much more that makes us an odd family (yup, putting the FUN in dysfunctional at times). There are some things that remain the same, to my brothers and sisters, John 14:6.
But don't question my salvation based upon my liberal stances, you don't see me judging and poking and prodding you over some difference from my own, now do you?

Love God, Love Others, nothing else matters.

I might be more liberal than you, so what? "nothing else matters" as I said above.

Think and make your opinions from what YOU believe, don't ride coattails, okay? :)

[n][v]

Dreams and Dreaming

2009-11-12T10:00:00.003-06:00

I am a dreamer, both in semi-unconscious states when I am in my bed and when I am awake. Dreams propel me to plan and do better things; to work and invest in the lives of others, to beat the vicious generational curse within my family, etc.

But I also have bad dreams (I guess they'd be called nightmares instead, eh?)

Dreams that wake me up in a cold sweat and tears in my eyes,
it's because of such dreams that woke me up at 5:45 this morning.

I dreamt that I was in my younger naive youth. I was riding shotgun with my father to a social outing for fathers and sons only, he was talking to me about the different things we would do; play baseball, go fishing, etc. I was so happy, but then he abruptly pulled to the shoulder of the road. He got out of the vehicle and grabbed me and dropped me in a garbage can! All the while telling me that he was coming back, he closed the lid on my head and drove off with no intention of coming back.

Damn, this dream was fucking horrible and quite an allegory to my own life; having promises made and broken by my father, him saying he'd be back and yet he never did.

I hate it so fucking much, to be discarded like if I were trash, God knows it has happened in my life and it still does. Being in the same house as my father doesn't do me any good and I am trying to get to that point where I can move out on my own.

God, I am tired of being discarded by my own father. I hate that I fruitlessly try to get him to look at me and what I am capable of, to have him acknowledge me and affirm me. It isn't happening and it might never happen, help me to move on and apart from him, even with me still being here.

I'm hurt.

I'm broken.

I'm in fucking pain because of him. Help me Father God, I need you to go and move on.

Bring restoration to my life.

Help me to never become like him, I honestly can't think of any traits I can say that are positive.

I need you in my life to sustain me. I need you in my life so that I can dream and take those dreams and make them a reality.

All these things I lay at your feet including me.

[n][v]

War is NOT Sexy

2009-11-12T10:00:00.001-06:00

I've been thinking this over in my head (I'm introspective) and I think instead of saying "Give peace a chance" or "I support the troops but not the war" I think I will say War is not SEXY.

Think about it, so much of our society is based upon sex and sexiness; we use it in our commercials, we say "look like this and you too can be sexy", etc. The advertisment world knows that Sex Sells, so I think that if we portray this war out to be NOT sexy (I never thought it had sex appeal from the getgo), maybe our sex driven culture will think about it and we can end the unjust wars we fight!

Just a thought...:) *wishful thinking*
[n][v]

Who are my brothers and sisters?

2009-11-12T09:59:00.001-06:00

A lot of times as we go through this thing called life we build friendships that get better with time, and as I develop these friendships my siblings increase.

For the record, I have 3 biological sisters, I am the oldest so it works out well. My feminine intuition skills are better than the average male, so I don't mind NOW (when we were all younger and educated in the same environment, yeah...it wasn't the best of times).

So back to friends who have become my brothers and sisters...

I have older brothers and sisters, I have younger brothers and sisters. Y'all are important to me and I am thankful to God to label you as my brothers and sisters, while we might not hang out a lot of the time because of where we are located, I still care deeply for the lot of you.

I have brothers and sisters I haven't met IRL; sure we talk/email/IM/etc, I have yet to meet some of you but give me time and dinero, I shall with you if you want me to.

Much love to y'all
[n][v]

We're all odd and we're all negative..

2009-11-12T09:58:00.002-06:00

We're all odd and we're all negative,
we're the Fantastic Four
I - Writer
Hannah - Artist
Abbey - Athlete
Charity - Musician
We're the Royal Tenenbaums too,
we're dark and we have secrets.
We are leaders, we will follow if we need to,
we smile and we mean it,
we pursue our dreams and goals relentlessly,
we will be better than THEY were,
we will make an impact, we will be where we are needed,
we will tell you it is like it is,
we will strive to make this world a better place.
You will never be able to stop us,
we are stronger and better than you can image.
World 0, Us 4
Game over, you lose.

[n][v]

"It is well with my soul"

2009-11-12T09:58:00.001-06:00

Today worship and the message at The Warehouse was rocking! If you were there you caught Stephen on the drums and Benjie on the guitar and Jeremy (?) on the bass. Well they busted out an oldie-but-a-goody, one of my old favorites back in my days of pews and sermons that seemed to go on forever...well anyway, I dig that song, and as of late I have new areas in my life that I can truly say "It is well with my soul."

Over the last few weeks, talking it out to God and praying for release...well, I got it. For the longest time I had a hard time giving up my past relationship, the one where I was once engaged, to God. I mean, I could give him SOME of it, but some areas I was all "Thanks for your help God, but in this area, I can handle it" and I knew it was a lie and God knew it was lie, I could not release her completely from my heart.

Well I finally 'fessed up to God (but he knew the truth of the matter already) and said "Father God, I cannot do this on my own, my heart still has some shapnel from that relationship, and I cannot move forward until you remove the rest of it from me."

And,
well,
I got what I prayed for. :)

I am over my ex fiancee and I am ready to start connecting with ladies again, getting to know them, pursuing another relationship and all that pertains to relationships of this kind. I will take it slow, cautious, but not cautious as in worry that I might get screwed again, but I think that relationships can be delicate and really shouldn't be rushed. I will BE who I am, but I am not going to wear my heart on my sleeve, in time I will to "her" (referring to whomever I date next), but it's a process.

Anyway, this facet of my life I can say out loud that "It is well, it is well with my soul."

To release the pain and agony up to God, the shapnel that was in my heart, to lay it at the foot of the cross at cry out to God to help me from that which hurts me emotionally. To not give God SOME of what hurts me in this area, but to give it ALL to Him, to surrender it to him and to find comfort in His arms of love.

[n][v]

Love shocking and humbling: How a little girl warmed my heart today

2009-11-12T09:57:00.002-06:00

As church was starting at The Warehouse, and as I was getting ready to get my praise on, a little girl who was being held by her grandmother made eye contact with me.

"Up Up!"

What? I thought to myself.

"Up Up!"

Now her grandmother noticed this, that her granddaughter wanted to leave her arms and wanted to be held by me, a complete stranger.

Now I have never seen this little girl let alone hold her, but she entered my arms trusting me from the start. She sang and talked (I reckon she was 10-12 months old), she even extended her little hand when I extended mine to pray over a few people.
In the 30-40 minutes of holding her safely in my arm, I was shocked and touched by her love; who but young children love so easily, who leave the arms of grandmothers and make their way into the arms of strangers? I was shocked and humbled by her love, it warmed me to my very core.

***

It's been a while since I've been in love, it's been a little longer still that I have held a little child in my arms. Yet safely and securely this little girl was in my arms, and I can't help but think about how God is my Father in Heaven, and how he holds me safely and securely in my arms. I trust in Him, I trust in Him when I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, I trust in Him when all of life's shit has hit the fan. I am learning to let go of things completely, to move forward, to know that I have loved before and I will love someone again.

***

Well the little girl stayed in my arms for most of the service, when her grandmother asked her if she wanted to be held again in the arms of familiarity, the little girl resisted! I was shocked again, but this time by the girl's desire to stay in MY arms over her grandmothers.

That pretty much made my Sunday, to feel the warmth of someone loving me :)

Here's hoping that next Sunday I formally introduce myself to the grandmother, they left the service early before I could make small talk.

[n][v]

Who are the "Least of These"?

2009-11-12T09:57:00.001-06:00

I'm rethinking my view on who this applies to, because maybe you (and definitely I) thought "the Least of These" were the guys and gals who were down on their luck, the homeless, the starving and related, right? Well...maybe not.

On Saturday night I hung out with a friend and his friends in downtown Naperville, dining at the awesome Ted's Montana Grill. Afterwards we just walked around the downtown area, talking and relaxing, it was near the end of our walking when we met Doug.

Doug was dressed in formal attire; it was evident he had a few too many to drink, his language was slurred and his wife made sure to take the car keys from him as he decided to talk to us for a while. He went on to talk about how he remembers when he was our age, it came across as a drunken spiel, but the heart of the matter was that even in his booze fueled nostalgic moment, something was missing in his life.

So maybe being the least of these actually has to do more with depravity or the absence of something or someone bigger in one's life, whether cognitively recognized or not, perhaps that makes someone the least of these.
As a result, my ideas as who the least of these are has expanded, yet I think for people who are in the same boat as Doug we overlook them because either they hide it well or they're the kind of characters that come out on the weekends only.
So I guess I will continue to help out the least of these, to which some hide their problems better while others wear it on their sleeves.

Friday Night's Lucid Dream: Youth group retreat 747 jumbo jet

2009-11-12T09:56:00.000-06:00

Last night I dreamt that I was invited to go with my wife to help chaperone with a youth ministry retreat with The Orchard headed to London. Apparently after some pretty large donations given to the church, the youth group had their own Youth Ministry retreat 747 jet (you've heard of vans used for youth group retreats, well same concept but in jet form)!

I boarded with my wife, found a place for my stuff and buckled in. Taylor and Chris were seated ahead of me, but Sarah, Dan, Alex, Ben and Anna were also on this flight. There was no flight attendants, so the captain just went over protocol as well as instructions; how to buckle the seats, what to do in case of an emergency, et al.

From the get go it was a fun trip; there was a lot of music playing (mostly Kings of Leon), some of the youth brought hair dye and so they approached Ben and asked him if they could dye his hair black, he declined, so they made their way to me and I accepted, figuring it's only hair.

Well after I got my hair dyed, I snuck back, I made my way to the seats behind where my wife and I were sitting, to surprise her with my newly dyed hair and just to observe her. I found her sitting and singing along to True Love Way and then I decided I wouldn’t scare her. Instead of sitting right back down, I made my way to the cockpit and knocked on the door, the copilot opened the door and I started making casual conversation as I watched the flight from their view, Great day for flying to London the captain said, Great day indeed.

Post Dream Observations

Besides being quite ridiculous (youth retreat 747 airline jet?), I never saw the face of my wife, I only heard her singing in a southern belle drawl. :)

[n][v]

My stance on being Pro Life

2009-11-12T09:55:00.000-06:00

Now this might get under your skin, but keep in mind I rock the boat, I like to think for myself. So as I like to think for myself, here's my take and stance on being Pro Life.

For me being Pro Life doesn't have a starting point or an ending point. I don't limit myself to saying "I am Pro Life for unborn babies and their moms", I DO say that...but I continue on down the line;
- I am Pro Life for those locked up in jail serving life sentences and who are on death row
- I am Pro Life for our soldiers who are fighting, but I am also for the ones who are fighting back
- I am Pro Life for the ones the world loves to hate
- I am Pro Life for the ones some Christians choose to hate

Pro Life means for life, it should not be asterisked, it should not be limited, it should be for ALL life.

It does irk people when I raise the question "are you Pro Life?" Because in some of the circles I tread that's as much as a given as if I were to ask "is the Pope catholic?" Yet I take it a bit further and ask people to define what their stance is, and much to my chagrin it is limited instead of unlimited.

Why must so many people make boxes in which to compartmentalize who should live and who shouldn't? Are we not ALL Imago Dei's (Images of God)? Who are we to end life and call it just?

It irritates me (which either shows on my face or through my following words to said person) when people make the claim to be Pro Life.

Be Pro Life,
Be Pro Life for ALL of those who are made in His likeness.

[n][v]

My life is not like a sitcom

2009-11-12T09:54:00.000-06:00

I don't don a happy face 24-7,
I don't have arguments which get resolved after 30 minutes with some moral lesson learned,
I don't have "serious" problems such as getting my bike stolen or that I won't be able to go vacation because it conflicts with something going on with a friend of mine...

I could go on, but what's the point?

I am reminded of the haunting lyrics of It's Sick by Daniel Amos:

"Our trial is which car to buy
Temptation is that extra dessert
In the land of orange juice
You're better off with the right kind of shirt"

To me it points at a utopian society that has its priorities out of wack, that the supposed problems the characters in shows have somehow reflect ours as a society...but it is bullshit! No one really has it as "good" as TV sitcom families do, why do they sell us visions of something that will never become reality? Why do they show us a life that will never be? Why do they tidy up and compartmentalize everything?

Apart from the fact it sells.

It sells, it sells, God knows it it sells. To have and to hold a flickering flame of the ideal American dream if only for a moment SELLS, it's why I am disenchanted too much of the time, to which King Solomon beat me to the punch in Ecclesiastes where he's constantly describing how it is "meaningless meaningless, everything is meaningless, a chasing after the wind."
I don't know any longer if I should stay or should I go, do I pack up my bags and say "see ya" to America or do I help out when the bottom of all bottoms falls through?

I know I diverged from my initial statement, but I knew that I would end up back over here with my rant about the so-called "American Dream". I'll get back on this subject another day, okay?

Anyways...

Yeah, so my life isn't a sitcom, I have pain and I have suffering, some my own and some in the lives of people around me. I don't always learn the lesson, heck I have a knack for learning things the hard way, it hurts to learn things this way and if you can avoid the pain and turmoil, DO IT!

I have rough times ahead of me and I have rough times behind, but all the while God is pulling me closer to Him and I have to get close. I don't do this out of "for the Bible tells me so" but because He is God, He is the maker of EVERYTHING, He is the changeless unbound-by-time-for-He-created-time Father whom I love very much. He watches me and guides me, my cup doth overflow! ;)

I can get by, I can survive another day to sing His praises, I can do this in the midst of all my pain and suffering.
My life can be downright shitty at times, but God is good, why do I need to worry when he is in control of everything? No sitcom life for me, no thanks, I rather trust and believe in God to sustain me and to help me to make it all the way to the finish line.

Looking back retrospectively from an introspective lens: Living for Christ, Dying for Christ and me.

2009-10-12T09:53:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about this before I went to bed, and all I can do is thank God I didn't dwell on it TOO much because I easily could.
I'm a very introspective extroverted person and sometimes I'm not good at quick draw, think-on-your-feet scenarios, but I am getting better at it. This being said, the following thoughts come from introspective thinking, they're not something I copied and pasted in a deadline rush, they've been marinating in my head for a while...

I recall my younger years, particularly around the age of 16 of 17, a great deal of my reading material at that time were the books Jesus Freak 1 & 2, kind of a modern easier-to-read Fox's Book of Martyrs. As I read the book I was inspired, but in some freaky self-centered way I was inspired for the wrong reasons...

The allure of DYING for Christ was something that was on my mind most of the time. It wasn't a "how cool would it be to be burned out the stake while singing Psalms to God" kinda thing, but in all honesty it was in some ways.
I thought about how my death might influence others to live for Christ, how maybe it would be something that would get a lot of press and so wherever I was when I was martyred would be changed on a national level, and yet...
All of my reasons were about ME and not about God, they were about how I could reap the benefits of martyrdom post mortem, it was more about my glory instead of God's.

I rationalize that it my mindset then was screwy, I was depressed and felt lonely and that no one could relate to me or what I was going on in my family (I found out that wasn't so, but at the time it felt like it was Me VS. The World). I look back at my writings of them and it is almost like a Christianese suicide letter which freaks me out even though I still write dark and haunting things, but that's because I was trying to DIE for Christ then and now I am LIVING for Christ.

Another facet to all of this is that I wanted to take the easy way out, dying for Christ is easier than living for Christ. Sometimes living for Christ IS dying for Christ, but for us who aren't exposed to persecution on a day-to-day basis, we really can't grasp getting killed for our faith. Those people who are going through persecution are living for Christ but they are aware that death might very much be a possibility in their walk with God, they live for Him and they're reading to die for Him, but for the rest of us our mindsets aren't there.

Living for Christ takes time, being in community with other believers, growing in God's word, talking to him aka Prayer, etc... It's a lot of "work" but it is work we shouldn't view as such, they are tasks that we should be and do willingly and we should take what we know and share it with others.

Living for Christ isn't something that has a deadline, a "to be done by *insert date here" event, it is an ongoing process because there is always something to be learned or relearned, it's awesome! I love to learn and this past summer has been a time of much learning of spiritual practices and such, I'm moving forward in my living for Christ, I was feeling like a stunted plant for the longest time ;) But I am growing and I am seeing some fruit grow :)

Living for Christ is for us who have Christ living within us! Let us keep on running this race that is before us, step by step, till we cross the finish line.

Nostalgia can be a pain in the ass sometimes...

2009-10-12T09:51:00.001-05:00

The other day I decided to go traipsing in my neighborhood down by the tracks, with my headphones on with Thousand Foot Krutch and Mute Math's new tunes blaring, I was having a pretty good time.

I like walking along the tracks, which are rarely used at all and even rarer are they used on the weekend, it's an interesting way to get around. Anyway, I was just minding my own business when I decided to cut back to my house. From the tracks to where I was and to the way back to my house wasn't far, but on my way back to my house I did notice something that brought back memories:

"Free Concord Grapes", 6 boxes full of this delicious fruit, free for the taking...good times. After I sampled a bunch or two, nostaligia kicked in and it kicked my ass.

At the house I lived at before the one I'm at now we used to have a sizeable backyard for us 4 kids to have fun in, and at the end of our backyard was, you guessed it, concord grape vines and grapes. Whether it was just running back and forth, picking pussywillow buds in the spring, playing in the sandbox, drinking alcohol with one of my sisters...all these memories and more came flooding back to me.

I miss my old house, but actually I miss my younger self; when I was naive to what was happening to my family, when I was full of childlike wonder and mystery, when my grandfather Eddy whom I still miss was alive... It was also in that time a lot of shit hit the fan that was unbeknownst to me, a lot of bad occurred and I was unaware of it all, I guess I was too young to actually grasp what was happening in and to my family.
I DO thank God for all the memories I have been able to retain over the years, who knows I might take on the role of the family historian someday (I do love history).
Nostalgia's a pain in the ass because how memories work; we don't have single memories, so much of what we remember is tied to some other memory which is tied to another memory and soforth...

All this to say that I am glad for the times God gave me back then and the times he's giving me now, but sometimes I just wish I could retain the good without the bad.

[n][v]

P.S. I was looking up the origin of the word "Nostalgia" and it is a word that actually comes from a Greek and Homeric compounded word. There's nóstos which means returning home and álgos which refers to pain or ache, so Nostalgia's the ache or pain of returning home. Just a little tidbit on that word's origin, I dig it.

Aggressive much? Passive-Aggressive not so much?

2009-10-12T09:51:00.000-05:00

I think when I was born I didn't come out like other babies did; in place of just coming out of my mother's womb I am sure I was aggressive even then and so I probably punched my way out, heck I might have even been the one to tie my own umblical cord.

Hi, my name is Nathanael, I'm aggressive much and passive-aggressive...not so much.

Lately my aggressive nature has gotten me in "trouble", I say trouble with quotes because it wasn't really trouble, but more like me speaking out in truth (albeit without love) on some things that are going on within my household, and as a result my father has verbally shat all over me, great imagery right?

I aimed to keep my cool, but once he started giving me the "but...but" answers, I had enough, stop shifting the blame off of yourself and on to me! If you're at fault and you know it, grow some balls and admit it!
It hurts my heart and my mind to be the one picked on, even at my age of 25 I can't take it when people are being picked or even I'm the one who's being picked on. I cannot let laying dogs lie, especially if they've been there rotting away on the ground for a while now.

So why does it seem like I am airing my dirty laundry online and not real life with others? Well I have and those who do know my plight have been kind, loving and supporting. I say it here as well because it is stuff that is bottled up inside of me STILL, and while I don't see a counselor, writing is about as helpful as it gets for me (outside of praying and pouring my heart out to God on all this).

I recognize that if I were Passive-Aggressive in my trials and tribulations, ALL of this would be gone, I wouldn't have to deal with a father who only opens his mouth to bring me down, who treats me less than human at times, et al.
If I shut up and let what happens in my house happen, then maybe he and I would "get along", because no conflict and no strife equals no problems, right? WRONG!

Yet through all these rocky times that I have gone through and am going through, I am trusting in God and praying for it to end. Maybe it won't end while I'm still here, maybe the restoring power of God will happen when I'm long gone out of this house, and I do pray that God willing it will happen in such a timeframe! I also pray for him, as much as I want Romans 12:21 to send shapnel into him, I pray to God that even if I don't love the guy, that I will still try to return evil with good, to OVERCOME evil with good :)
It does me well to pray to my Father God, He hears me and he knows me through and through. He knows I will speak out on behalf of the enjustices I see in the world around me, perhaps this is training ground for harsher conditions? God only knows, and I trust Him for those times if they come but also now time.

I will not be quiet, I will not become Passive-Aggressive. Even though it costs me dearly, it would cost me more if I just let things go (that shouldn't be let go) in silence.

I love talking to strangers: Ezra

2009-10-12T09:50:00.000-05:00

While I was in Chicago the other day, I was just chilling on a picnic bench near "The Bean". I could have taken photographs, but it was more interesting to people watch:

- I spied 4 different wedding groups
- I listened in on 5 different foreign language conversations
- I saw people who had better cameras than my own, and I cried (jk)
- I saw little kids being hugged by grandparents
- I saw people of many different nations gathered...

Anyway, I watched and listened on, and then I met Ezra.

Ezra was the guy who was sitting across from where I was at, in a moment of spontaneity and curiousity, I asked the guy (Ezra) across from me how he was doing. Ezra was loud from the getgo! He shared how he was fine and how nice it was in Chicago. I agreed with him and then we started making jokes about the wedding groups we were watching, we both wanted the brides to toss us their bouquets instead of the garter belts, just casual and amusing jokes like that.
Ezra then went into detail about his name, how Ezra was a minor prophet from the Old Testament and pretty much every other aspect about Ezra! "Wow" I kept thinking to myself "he knows it well!" I'm not sure if his knowledge of the Bible was head knowledge or heart knowledge, but God knows where he's at nonetheless.
I started talking to him about my recent travels down to Nashville, he seemed interested more about my journey there than actually what I did there. He went off on a tangent about Georgia and out of nowhere he just started belting out "Georgia on my mind" by Ray Charles...this, among other verbal loudness made people move away from him and I, but still I stuck with him and conversed with him.

When I had to go I wished him a good day, he gripped my hand tightly and gave it a good shake, and off I went and Ezra went back to watching people at The Bean. All in all, I enjoyed my conversation with a stranger.

***

We're all strangers from the getgo, but when we cross the bridge of relationships, the move from stranger to friend occurs. I enjoy being intentional/relational with those around me, not just friends but strangers and given invested time those strangers become friends to me :)

An open apology to the body of believers in Christ

2009-09-22T15:08:00.002-05:00

Shout at the Devil: Doesn't anyone do that any more? Personal thoughts about Spiritual Warfare

2009-09-22T15:08:00.001-05:00

Some of this stems from what a few bro's and I were joking about what I should fill under OCCUPATION (to which I wrote Demon Hunter - Full Time), some of it also stems from Jehovah Witnesses visiting my house again today in which I discussed Spiritual Warfare with them, they left kinda shocked that I cast out demons and that I call upon the name of GOD to rid satan and his minions from places and people... I'm shocked too, doesn't anyone cast out demons any more?

I recall my first time evoking the name of God in which I pissed off satan; I was at the Brookfield Zoo when I was 5 and I was over at the lions cage, I started quoting 1 Peter 5:8

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

As I was doing this, a woman who was possessed by a demon or more got angry, she sneered and shook, I could visibly see I wasn't looking at her but rather that which controlled her and it wasn't good.

These days I still cast out demons, from people's lives and places which seem to be saturated with the prsence of the evil one. I rebuke them and cry out "In the name of God I command you to _____________."
To which they do flee and go elsewhere for a while...

***

Jehovah Witnesses have come to my house lately, their time at my house last week was to find out what I believed and to try to witness to me from what they believe, today they visited again to discuss spiritual warfare with me. While I didn't aim to come across as nonchalant about spiritual warfare, the woman who led this conversation with me seemed kinda shocked that I do this, in retrospect I am shocked that maybe she doesn't do this.

So now I am wondering does anyone call upon the name of God to cast out demons or the devil himself besides me? Does anyone recognize his presence in people and places and just cry out "In the name of God I command you to leave this person/place"?

[n][v]

I tweet therefore I am(?)

2009-09-22T15:07:00.001-05:00

Descartes said:

I think therefore I am..

I say:

I tweet threfore I am(?)...

But I do leave it as a question; am I truly what I tweet? Am I truly wrap-upable in 140 characters or less?

Well...Yes AND No.

To the few that actually follow me on Twitter (which is not open to everyone) I might seem bipolar; I am using words that aren't part of everyday vocabulary (unless you're a sailor or you're, well, me) and I offer up TweetPrayers, Father God...and 130 characters of praise or concern, prayer but in tweet form.

But, while that is me in a nutshell, I am not contained to the nut. For as you get to know me I am pretty "out there" will a bunch of my passions; people, Youth Ministry, communal/intentional/relational ministry, social justice, photography and cars to name a few.

Just so I don't throw you for a loop if I happen to meet you and you ask me some questions, I won't shy away, but being blessed with being extroverted and very introspective, I might take some time pondering and thinking out my answer (I look inside before I answer). I'm not socially shy, but I want to make whatever I say count for that which really does require some thinking about.

I am those 140 characters, but I am so much more.

[n][v]

Looking back retrospectively from an introspective lens: Living for Christ, Dying for Christ and me.

2009-09-22T15:06:00.000-05:00

Nostalgia can be a pain in the ass sometimes...

2009-09-22T15:04:00.000-05:00

The other day I decided to go traipsing in my neighborhood down by the tracks, with my headphones on with Thousand Foot Krutch and Mute Math's new tunes blaring, I was having a pretty good time.

I like walking along the tracks, which are rarely used at all and even rarer are they used on the weekend, it's an interesting way to get around. Anyway, I was just minding my own business when I decided to cut back to my house. From the tracks to where I was and to the way back to my house wasn't far, but on my way back to my house I did notice something that brought back memories.

"Free Concord Grapes", 6 boxes full of this delicious fruit, free for the taking...good times. After I sampled a bunch or two, nostaligia kicked in and it kicked my ass.

At the house I lived at before the one I'm at now we used to have a sizeable backyard for us 4 kids to have fun in, and at the end of our backyard was, you guessed it, concord grape vines and grapes. Whether it was just running back and forth, picking pussywillow buds in the spring, playing in the sandbox, drinking alcohol with one of my sisters...all these memories and more came flooding back to me.

I miss my old house, but actually I miss my younger self; when I was naive to what was happening to my family, when I was full of childlike wonder and mystery, when my grandfather Eddy whom I still miss was alive... It was also in that time a lot of shit hit the fan that was unbeknownst to me, a lot of bad occurred and I was unaware of it all, I guess I was too young to actually grasp what was happening in and to my family.
I DO thank God for all the memories I have been able to retain over the years, who knows I might take on the role of the family historian someday (I do love history).
Nostalgia's a pain in the ass because how memories work; we don't have single memories, so much of what we remember is tied to some other memory which is tied to another memory and soforth...

All this to say that I am glad for the times God gave me back then and the times he's giving me now, but sometimes I just wish I could retain the good without the bad.

[n][v]

P.S. I was looking up the origin of the word "Nostalgia" and it is a word that actually comes from a Greek and Homeric compounded word. There's nóstos which means returning home and álgos which refers to pain or ache, so Nostalgia's the ache or pain of returning home. Just a little tidbit on that word's origin, I dig it.

I love talking to strangers: Ezra

2009-09-22T15:03:00.002-05:00

Lessons from the "L" -- Everyone wants to be remembered

2009-09-22T15:03:00.001-05:00

I was riding on the "L" from Chicago back to Cicero, just taking photographs and talking to my mom in between. There was a guy who boarded the "L" and from the get go he kinda seemed out of it; maybe it wasn't drugs, but maybe from actions to follow it was because he wanted to be remembered.

I say this because it wasn't too long from the time he boarded the train that he busted out a paint marker and started doing his tag (what us graffiti artists call our signature/etc. to let others know about us, an "I was here....ever so briefly" message).
It was a cool design, I'll give ya that (tho I'm in support of graffiti in legal forms only), but still he defaced property that wasn't his and I bet if he was caught there'd be a lot of money and paperwork to be filled out...anyway, whatever the true reason behind his reason to tag then and there I will never know, but the basis of tagging at times -- to be remembered -- makes a lot of sense to me.

Some of us will have an "original idea" (John Forbes Nash anyone?) in which we do that thing that changes life as we know it and we get acknowledge for it long past our days; Alexander Graham Bell with the Telephone, Henry Ford with a car that was built off an assembly line, Marie Curie discovered Radium etc al... These men and women of old and new did something and they were remembered.

But what about us who don't come up with an original idea? What about us who live the life of a 9-5er, a punch-in and punch-out live-for-the-weekend kinda life? What about them...what about us?
For us it is to do what we can with the time God has provided for us, even if you don't believe you truly can't say "I will live forever!" in a loud and proud voice, because it is not true, our days are limited. It is about taking the time we're given and using it wisely, because once this time you and I have is gone, it's G-O-N-E, no money can buy one more minute of life.

For me personally, it is the way I live out my life to God's glory though times I stumble and the people I invest time in. The showing-up-when-it's-not-in-traditional-parameters moments, the 'I beat the vicious cycle that has cost my family dearly for the past 4-5 generations', the 'I was there for my wife and kids' -- that is how I want to be remembered, and I'm okay with that!

But sometimes we don't see it that way, we're in the now and we're looking up but we're not necessarily looking forward. We can plan all we want, but God ultimately knows how it is all going to unfold ("For the plans I have for you" Remember?) and His will be done in all things.
So look for ways to be remembered, (notice that I said BE over DO things, yeah that was intentional *wink*) While you go through these great journeys that equals YOUR life, remember that everyone likes to be remembered, everyone counts, so do what you can to make your life and others count!

[n][v]

I wish Romans 12:21 was a bomb

2009-09-22T15:02:00.000-05:00

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good"

I wish it was a bomb, and I wish that some people in my life would be at ground zero when it would explode. I wouldn't want them to die, but I would want the shapnel to enter their bodies, to tear through viscera and muscle and to hit them in a vital way. Shapnel that no matter how hard doctors tried they could never remove it all...

The verse says DO not be overcome by EVIL,
but to overcome EVIL with GOOD.

It shouldn't be just read or thought of as a "nice Bible verse", but it should be a way we carry out our actions, it should grip us and hit us where it matters. Let the words hit, let them sink in and strike our hearts, let us be affected and change and live it out with everyone we meet.

[n][v]

8 years looking back

2009-09-22T14:58:00.000-05:00

Now that the towers are down,
and as a nation, complacency has settled into our bones.
We wave that "grand old flag" today and on the 4th of July,
out of obligation and tradition...like creasters.

But I don't let it settle in my bones,
I don't waveany flag out of obligation, let alone tradition.
I miss those towers,
but I miss Jeffrey more.
It's not that I value his life above the rest of those who died that day,
but I knew him and not them,
he was my friend.

Go visit your grandma who lives across the street,
come visit my sisters, mom and me
Chase me, play tag, play hide and go seek,
leave for work,
leave again,
leave for the last time.

8 years looking back,
the tears still flow,
the pain still hurts,
I guess I am alive
I AM ALIVE!

[n][v]

If God tells you to do something, you damn well better!

2009-09-09T17:39:00.000-05:00

A few Sundays ago I was along the bank of the Fox River with a few friends and some people from other churches of the Aurora and surrounding area, it was 5th Sunday.

I was invited to come out and partake, as a follower of Christ but also as a photographer (it's my thing and I'm getting known for it). I took a few pictures of the worship band as well as the people gathered, when out of the blue one of the people who came to be at a friend's baptism, it was evident that he was distraught as he walked away.

"Go and BE" I heard in my mind and heart, "What?" I pondered internally, "Go and BE" it/He said again, this time I gathered that it was God and so I went to the guy who wandered away from the group.

I sat down next to the guy (Kevin), and I just stayed motionless and silent, not doing or saying, just BEing with him. Observing Kevin from the outside I could see pain; his scarred worn hands, clearly a guy who made his livelihood using them. His eyes were bloodshot, to which I don't know whether they're from crying a lot or perhaps some addiction, but regardless Kevin's condition on the outside grabbed at my heartstrings.

Eventually he spoke, he swore and cursed to the Heavens, crying out to God and telling me about his life all in the same breath. "I don't have a job" he told me a few times, from loud whispers to a scream, "I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING JOB!"
As Kevin shared with me about his on and off relationship with God but also going to church, followed up by his situation involving his girlfriend and her 4 kids...I found more in commonalities with Kevin than differences, after a while he decided to get up and go back to the group, but not till I embraced him.

I embraced him because he needed touch,
I embraced him because he made in the image of God, the one I believe in
I embraced him regardless of his stench, for no stench could keep me from loving Kevin

He walked back to the group, to his friend who was recently baptized, his voice loud and strong regardless of what was going on, it might have had the effect of being rude but I saw it as the tax collector in the temple who beat his breast and cried out to God "have mercy on me a sinner!" Jesus shared this parable to express how the poor will be uplifted and the proud will be humbled, then and there I recognized Kevin being uplifted, Kevin reaching out to someone bigger and better and God reaching back to Kevin...it was beautiful.

Kevin's friends did see it as public interuption, to which they were embarrassed and tried to get him away from our assembly so he would be a "problem" to the rest of us. He ignored them, even to the point of them driving off without him!

After the service some of us prayed for and over Kevin, I offered him a ride back to where he's staying at but he declined, he did thank me for BEing there with him and to listen to what he said. "Anytime Kevin, Anytime" I told him as I embraced him again. He walked off and my gaze stayed with him till he left, all the while my heart in prayer and my eyes welling with tears.

To speak of loving "the least of these" is NOT enough, we need to put our words into actions. God convicted me and I acted on what he told me to do, I am thankful I did, I am thankful I listened to God instead of ignoring him. It would have been easier to shrug off God, but if God calls you to do something, you damn well better.

Love "the least of these" in words AND actions,
BE instead of DO,
Go instead of Stay.

~Nathanael~

God doesn't need our help*

2009-09-09T17:35:00.000-05:00

*But he does invite us to be apart of something bigger than ourselves at times, but sometimes he does it on his own WITHOUT us doing anything...

I was reminded of this last Saturday at The Orchard, when we were having our little "meet and greet the person in front of you" time. The person I greeted was actually someone I know, someone who was akin to a boss 6 years back. The guy was a gruff, Army strong, kind of rude and drill sargent-esque. He was still someone who pushed me along, encouraging me but from a "tough" perspective, I absolutely did not like the guy completely.
Getting to know him then a part from the activity I was apart in which he was the boss, he seemed cold and calloused, distant and made sure to keep work at work and regular life separated from the task that was at hand.

When I greeted him on Saturday evening, I saw a glint of excitement in his life, a sense of 'something-in-my-life-has-changed-for-the-better-for him' vibe came over me, be it God or having an intuition of knowing when someone has changed for the better...believe it or not, it brought me to tears, not out of sadness but out of happiness for God moving in this guy.
God did not need me in this situation, he may have used another brother or sister in Christ, but the fact remains he doesn't need our help but he does invite us to be a part of it.

~Nathanael~

Personal Soliloquy (I am strange) part 3

2009-08-20T20:28:00.003-05:00

I am strange, let me be
there's nothing wrong with me,
am I a freak for learning to read at the age of 3
is it odd that I sometimes climb trees?
Act my age so I'm told, but what does it mean?
Get the job, socialize and get in the scene?
My route is not defined by what others tell me
I do listen to them, but some can't sell me,
this American dream, the 401K
Would life be really better if I walked this way?
So I love the outdoors, I hike and explore
trying new things and opening new doors,
because within reason I like to test my limit,
I don't fall in line, brainwashed like a dimwit.
I am kind and I'm loving, I've got plenty of grace
but you piss me off I'll be verbal mace,
but it's my differences that bother people even when I'm not trouble
too many people trapped in their conformity bubble,
but what does it come down to, are they full of eNVy
do they secretly wish they could act just like me?
I'm a little off kilter, but I'm not deranged
for I am not "normal" for I am strange.

[n][v]

Personal Soliloquy (I am senstive) part 2

2009-08-20T20:20:00.004-05:00

I am sensitive, hear me OUT
this thing called love, I have my doubts
It's not love itself that frights my heart
it's wondering if something starts to grow, will you dart?
Will you run out of the scene and out of my life?
Will you leave me with hurt that cuts like a knife?
I've been down that road and it hurts like Hell
I lose my heart and cannot tell,
where my heart goes and where goes my love
if it doesn't get returned, and to the dust I'm shoved,
I'm discarded, abandoned, no one to care for me
I'm left all alone, no one to offer up a prayer for me
Because internal repair takes a lot of time
and I'm left without reason, let alone rhyme,
So please if you will, take, receive and give
but remember that I am sensitive.

[n][v]

Personal Soliloquy (I am man) part 1

2009-08-20T20:08:00.003-05:00

I am man, hear me ROAR
and you might ask, we want more
well I'll tell you this, I'm Mr. Fantastic
Plasticky and Mr. Elastic
I am egotistical and I am proud
I am a loner in this ever growing crowd
But I speak my mind and I do rock the ship
I aim for the heart and I shoot from the hip
I keep you guessin'
and your head I be messin'
is he for real or is he not
is he genuine or is he snot
you ask this of me and it's true
I'm the lovely sky of blue
but here's the thing is this really me?
Is this the one God has says I should be?
Or am I selling myself to you as a label
am I a story, some childish fable?
Am I the Hollywood American dream
Am I calm and collected, do I never scream?
HELL YEAH I scream, at the top of my vox
I am unkosher, uncouth and out of the box,
because I can't stand it when people define me
look at me and start to bind me
with ways they say the ideal guy should be,
but I can't be that way, I'm not sorry
I am who I am, for better or worse
and sometimes I can write this out in verse
I will make you laugh and maybe make you cry
I will be transparent and be real (or at least try)
Don't treat me like trash, I've played that game
and then I come across as someone lame,
and for some of my views well they might be banned,
but I stand in front of you for I am a man.

[n][v]

I hate news*

2009-08-15T09:04:00.000-05:00

*Except for when it really is news...

I like to know what is happening in the world around me, whether by picking up and reading the newspaper or by seeing what's on the news stream via Yahoo, but when Yahoo has in bold print KELLY CLARKSON AIRBRUSHED OFF POUNDS FOR MAGAZINE COVER or JON AND KATE PLUS 8 (FILL IN THE BLANK) I just want to pick up my laptop and throw it out the widow.

Seriously folks, that isn't news; kids starving to death of malnutrition, AIDS and Dafur in Africa affect many... That IS news, that is what should capture our hearts and our minds and our attention.

Yet we buy into the false news, it sells and it weighs less on our conscience than having to actually do something about what we read and learn (oh no). I do believe as a human being first and a follower of Christ second, WE need to bring about change to this world, and not entirely from An Inconvenient Truth angle (although going green and using our resources wisely is a good thing), it is about working to help out our brothers and sister human beings in their plight, to help make life for them good and sustainable for them.

Lately I have been doing research as how to tackle Nike shoes for next year, no joke, I have been learning what has been bothering the people of Indonesia, China and Vietnam (where Nike shoes are made). A lot of what I read is that what they need is better treatment from their employers and better pay.

The latter is kind of obvious, that they need more money for what they do (and rightly so), we as a consuming capitalist society (as a nation, but as individuals I suppose) take advantage of our brothers and sisters overseas; don't say that the prices at Walmart or Old Navy are that low out of the kindness of both companies heart's, they are that low because they can do so after ripping off poorer cultures of the world.
God has been nudging me in a direction where I am not consuming as much, but in the wake of not buying what I want I was left with a NOW WHAT remaining in my head. My answer came in the form of talking out some of this with a guy I met in Tennessee, he informed me that a big part of it is reinvesting in the countries and the people to continue what they're doing, but helping them out with better treatment and pay (right on with what the workers of Nike ask for!), to bring about change for an area from the ground level up. He got me thinking and now I am working at what next summer could hold for me to help out where I can.

If I truly want to be a global citizen, if I truly want to reflect God's love outwards to those around me both near and far, I will take notice to news that is really news and find ways to help out where I can. It might not be a case of stepping out of one's comfort zone, but it might just have to mean expanding the size of one's comfort zone. Bringing change is doable, it might cost a lot but the rewards are worth more than one can imagine.
Let's bring about change, let's care for our fellow man. Let us get concerned about news and events that really matters in the long haul.

[n][v]

I fell in like at first sight

2009-07-29T14:00:00.001-05:00

While I was in Nashville I met a girl while I was out there, she and I fell in like at first sight.

By this I mean there was a connection between her and me from the get go, she and I discussed our passions, plans for the future, India (this was a biggie, I love the country/culture/food/peoples/etc), the way God is working in our lives...

We talked for nearly two hours and it was awesome, she is one cool girl I won't ever see again unless we work out something via facebook, but even if I never see Lillianne again I will say it was awesome and has inspired me to invest more in future relationships with girls and to find my June.

By "finding my June" I mean as in June Cash, Johnny's wife, if you don't know much about them I suggest doing some research and watching Walk the Line afterwards...

It wasn't love,
It wasn't lust,
It was like at first sight. Pure amazing goodness that made me blush, made her blush and made God smile (I am sure of it).

[n][v]

What God has been teaching me about prayer

2009-07-29T13:59:00.000-05:00

In a way, God answered one of my prayers this past week. My friend who is a practicing Muslim came to my church this past week, for the 20somethings group that meets every other Tuesday. I have never tried to "convert" her, but rather share the Gospel message in a relational way, I believe in sharing the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words (ala St. Francis of Assisi).

Yet did my prayer of God to move in my friend occur overnight? By no means! Our friendship is about 6 years young and from the start we seemed well aware of the others belief systems and we broke down some walls along the way (mostly the extremist sides to Islam and the extremist sides of Christianity).

God spoke revelation to my life about prayer, and this is how it all came together in a divine "Eureka" moment:

There are times when we come to God with our prayers and petitions, we pray to God and we off him "bamboo prayers". By bamboo prayers I mean that we want to see results that spring up very quickly (bamboo is a quick growing grass), we want God's timeframe to match our timeframe.
Granted God sometimes answers our prayers in a very timely matter, we get what we ask for with a Yes/No/Wait answer quickly... and yet sometimes...

And sometimes we need to be persistant, sometimes we have to have the patience to wait on God and his timeframe over ours, we need to pray "sequoia prayers". Sequoias are massive trees! Yet they didn't get that way nearly as quickly as bamboo, they've taken literally hundreds of years to get that large. In the same way, sometimes we need to pray a long time before we see results. We should pray earnestly and never for reasons "because I have to" or "this is what I am doing" because it isn't us, it is God working through us, it is God's doing.

This is what God has revealed to me about Prayer. Prayer should be a continuous process that flows out of us, we might see results right away but sometimes it takes time. In all things, pray!

[n][v]

Sexual Education - Am I setting a double standard?

2009-07-29T13:58:00.001-05:00

Lately I have been thinking about the future eduation of my future children pertaining to sex. I am thinking this over now so that when the time comes I might have a better answer to give...

I am a virgin, it is not a religious thing, it is not a because-God-told-me-to thing, but in my opinion I find that sex will be best between me and my future wife, to her I will give my virginity. Now if I marry someone who isn't a virgin, I am fine with that, but from a personal standpoint I am waiting.

Yet when I think about how I will go about teaching sex ed to my kids, some things come to mind:

- I will teach my kids the very basics at a younger age than I
- I want to open and honest where I can be with my kids pertaining to sex and sexualty
- When they're of age, I am considering teaching teaching them both abstinence AND safe[r] sex

The last one has me thinking, am I setting a double standard? Granted my sexual education was vague and somewhat of a joke, but in some ways it was my parents who taught me to save sex for marriage (but it is not their views that I reflect in my sexuality, but my own).
But thinking about kids in this present day and age, and some of the things I struggle and what my future kids might struggle with, I can't help but think that I might approach sex ed from both standpoints -- not as a save-sex-for-marriage-but-if-you-can't standpoint, but faced with sexuality in their own ways, I rather have my kids better prepared by use of different safe[r] sex methods.

I'm sure that some might question What if your daughter gets pregnant? What if your son gets someone pregnant? Yes, this is on my mind as well, and honestly I believe if I set the roots of trust and honesty in a lot of things at an early age, nurturing it like a plant, when kids are older they will remember and what might be deemed awkward might not be too awkward because the plants of trust and hoensty has been constantly nurtured and have grown into awesome plants (my kids in case you got lost in this metaphor).

I want to teach my kids about sexuality, that it is a gift from God, that is an awesome gift and should not be treated cheaply. I don't want to raise kids who run around sleeping with everyone, but if I seem maturity in them, sexual/emotional and even spiritual, I might be more comfortable handing them condoms and birth control than if I never set the groundwork (it has to be set down, but still it is maturity from the groundwork that my wife and I will have to resolve if we should hand them better protection than none).

With abstinence I want it to be something they claim, I don't want them to go about as virgins from a standpoint of that their mom and I told them to. I want it to become they either accept or reject on their own, same thing with being raised in a Christian household, I want what they hear and learn to be something they claim as their own, as the quote goes; "God has no grandchildren". It has to be something they think out and call their own, thinking for oneself is a part of growing up.

Still with all this, but mostly the latter, my wife will have a say in this. I will not go behind my wife and hand out better protection if she says NO in abstinence taught along side safe[r] sex. Yet maybe she will see my point of view and this is how we will teach our kids about sex and sexuality.

[n][v]

Fixing myself from the inside out

2009-07-29T13:56:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been having a lot of anxiety attacks combined with recluseness that could almost make me out to be Enochlophobia - Fear of crowds, but I am realizing what has caused these triggers to suddenly spring out of nowhere...

It started with losing my job; oh the heartbreak of losing such a wonderful job; I loved working with the kids, I liked interacting with my coworkers on and off the clock, and the custodian is my brother in Christ, Henry I miss ya bro.

So I started looking for a job, something similar, something with kids, a win-win-win situation I think; I'm good with kids, I love working with kids and if I get paid for it, everyone goes home happy.

*silence from those places I applied to*

Then I started filling out applications at places I wouldn't normally applied to, but still jobs I find to be to my liking.

*silence from those places I applied to*

Then my worst fears of the job hunt were realized; I need somewhere, and outside the few unethical ones, it would have to be anywhere in my area. Much to the chagrin of me, a mental kick in the head...

*suprisingly...silence from the places I applied to*

***

So that is where my second break occurred, and my anxiety and stress made a lot of easy things difficult for me. Yet I continued to get passed it all, but it was hard and my answer came from my subconscious during a nap. I don't think the mind can fix everything, but there are times the unconscious mind works better to solve things than the conscious mind.

And so I managed to fix myself from an unconscious state of being,
My anxiety is gone, my panic attacks are gone.
I know and am acting on what I have to do

The catalysts of an ear infection

2009-07-09T13:29:00.000-05:00

I got an ear infection when I was out in Phoenix, it isn't a painful feeling per se, but I have little to no hearing in my left ear. Back in IL as a result-
- I am having anxiety attacks
- I hear myself eat
- I hear myself when I talk
- and I am getting a little stir crazy as a result...

I don't think it is going to be a long term thing, but it sucks nonetheless. It is weird to have a right ear to balance sound out in a logical way even tho it fails at doing it with one ear, it tries but alas sounds and voices come out a bit distorted as a result of hearing through one ear.

Can I complain about this....well...yes and no;

Yes - Because it hurts to hear out of only one ear, it hurts that I am trying to look for a job and try to take in what they're saying to the best of my ability, it hurts that I am having panic attacks (never have had them before) and the problems that stem from them.

No - Because there are people out there who can't hear at all. One ear that hears is better than none, but I guess that might be contested by the deaf community.

So I guess as much as this is annoying, it won't be forever.

P.S. If you're the praying sort, please pray that my ear infection goes away. Thank you :)

[n][v]

Sexual Education - Am I setting a double standard?

2009-07-09T13:19:00.002-05:00

Why I rather hangout with young followers of Christ over old

2009-06-07T15:52:00.000-05:00

*This is about the circles I am in, whether at my school or on a day-to-day basis. I'm referring to how long they've been followers of Christ, "young" in the sense that they're rather new to the faith, this isn't an age thing*

Among the followers of Christ I interact with, my preference is to hang out with newer believers than older. Yes older followers of Christ have wisdom with years and experience, but from what I have found in the groups I interact with, the older ones speak of the valleys, but seem to gloss over them or forget them.
The valleys as in the darkened places we all tread every now and then, it is the lowpoints of our lives that are bleak and hopeless but far from Godless. God is present on the peaks as well as the valleys, but as I happen to be in the winter of my discontent, I need a brother or sister of Christ who can relate to the valleys because either they're entering one or on their way out. My good bro in Christ is someone who is in the valley with God and myself, life is dark, life is hard, and yet we struggle and toil and question many of the same things. It is far more rewarding for me to relate to this brother in Christ than someone who speaks to me of it but without actually being in the valley.

I rather walk this path with someone who is on the same part of it as me, if one is further along than I, that's fine, but don't talk about the part I'm on if you have forgotten what the terrain and surface is like.

[n][v]

Chick Flicks don't do it for me

2009-06-07T15:47:00.000-05:00

Pondered about in my mind from last night, but I'm writing it out today...

I am sitting here at my laptop drinking a pint of Guinness after recently finishing watching my favorite chick flick (wait, what?)

My favorite chick flick of all time...

Anne of Green Gables series

Yet the movie does me a disservice as it does for you girls who enjoy them. Sure they're funny, hysterical, makes you laugh and they make you cry, but they also create unrealistic expectations for you. It works both ways, both unrealistic expectations for guys but also for girls, and so I will say my 2 cents about both.

Guy Perspective:

Us guys cannot be the ideal guy in these movies, but in the same way we cannot get the ideal girl in chick flicks. The girl who might avoid us in the now, but given time and different changes we eventually get the girl we always wanted and it's hunky-dory and we live happily after... Not true! I would like to wait for a particular girl, but if it's not working out now I can't hang on to the moments that were awesome and hope they'll sustain me. I have to move on, as painful as it is, I can't drag my feet. It is Hollywood telling us that there is an ideal girl for every guy, and if we buy into this lie it will cost us in time and emotions.

I don't intend to be rude to the particular girl I am talking about, but you already know some of this stuff from the note I gave you last Friday. I'd like to stay, but I cannot, it hurts too much.

Girl Perspective:

For those of you who know the series, the guy who fancies Anne (even when she doesn't fancy him back) is a young guy named Gilbert. Gilbert constantly annoys Anne, but it is his way of flirting with her. Anne sees no flirting, but just childish immature behaviour. Yet all the while Gilbert waits for Anne, pines for her and before you know it the tables have turned and she's the one trying to get his attention.
Yes, Gilbert is the ideal guy for Anne and she's the ideal girl for him. But once again it is Hollywood saying A GUY SHOULD BE LIKE THIS. There are no real Gilbert's out there, sure you might be blessed to find a guy with a few of his qualities, but you won't find a carbon copy of this guy.

In conclusion, I am hesitant about chick flicks and the ideal guys and girls they churn out (well, it's not my only issue, but the only one I'm covering here); there will be never be the ideal guy or girl. I hope that all of us find someone we can relate to and share interests with and someone we can truly love for who they are -- all flaws included.

[n][v]

My perspective on being Pro Life

2009-06-07T15:40:00.000-05:00

I stir the pot, I create controversy, I make waves, I didn't get dressed up for nothing...

When it comes to being Pro Life (which I am), I think about what that means for me. Yes, I am supportive of the mother of the unborn child and the unborn child, but it doesn't stop there, for I am pro life for all. By this I mean that I am Pro Life for those who are on death row (life without parole is a much better option) and also for those who we deem America's enemies. The soldiers who do defend our freedoms and liberties, I support what them but not the war itself, there is a time and place for war...this, this isn't the time or the place.
I am also supportive of the ones who fight against us as well, they are fighting for what they deem as right themselves, they are human beings made in the image of God and they deserve lie as much as the next person.

When it comes to murderers and other prisoners who are condemned to die, I support their right to life as well; granted it might be life without parole behind bars and not in society as you and I know it, but it is life nonetheless. Who are we to play God and state who should live and shouldn't.

My peers (not all, but some) have a mindset that limits them to define being pro life as to only being the unborn child[ren] and the mom...that's all. It irks me a little bit when they they limit themselves to these set terms, a life is a life, whether you're unborn or you're in jail for killing someone else.

Now some people have given me extreme examples, recently someone mentioned those who were warlords during World War 2, the ones who mistreated and murdered Jews. I am partially Jewish and yet my response hasn't changed, we should have gave them life with parole in jail, give them the lesser evil instead of killing them. I'm sure I pissed off the person I was talking to about my stance on being pro life, she even mentioned to me that they "deserved it". My heart cried at this, they deserved it? I wondered in my head, are we then no more the monsters then they were? Are we no more guilty then they were?
We are all made in God's likeness, it is not for us to decide who lives and who does not.

[n][v]

Tug of War

2009-05-07T00:05:00.001-05:00

I am caught in the middle of a tug of war,
between you my mind and heart,
I feel (mind) that I should leave and go far
and yet (heart) I'm looking to restart

***
You fight and bicker constantly
reminding me of how my parents used to be
and now between them it's a cold war
and all I feel is cold.

I deserve better so I am told,
but you once separated all my dross from the gold,
I was shining brightly, or was I blind
was it just fools gold that I did find?

This war of my heart,
this war of my mind,
this war of a rare jewel that God did find,
but you hocked our love and broke my heart
I'm broken and I need a restart
but I want to make all the dreams we had come true,
I pledged my life and my love to you
and now I sit here feeling blue,
sorting out what I should do.

[n][v]

Do you remember...

2009-05-07T00:04:00.000-05:00

Do you remember when we shared common dreams?
Do you remember when I held you as you screamed?
Do you remember watching the stars late at night?
Do you remember me caring for your sons when they were in fright?
Do you remember when I was wished a happy father's day,
by a complete stranger and I felt proud to say
that I once was a daddy, that I once had sons
that I was finally fixing all the damage done
to me and to all the generations behind me
that finally I found what I've been trying to be
but dashed to the rocks like a boat
and now I'm facedown trying to stay afloat
and hopefully in time I will drift to the sea
and start over at whom I'm meant to be.

[n][v]

Titles

2009-05-07T00:01:00.000-05:00

Being in a library doesn't make you a book
being in a kitchen doesn't make you a cook
Being in a school doesn't mean you can teach
Being in front of a pulpit doesn't mean you can preach
Loving flowers doesn't make you a bee
Doing what you want doesn't make you free
Being able to keep a beat mean you can dance
Being in love or lust doesn't equal romance
Being superior doesn't means you're above
Being attracted doesn't mean love
Being humble and kind doesn't mean you're weak
Being quiet mean you're unable to speak
Being angry doesn't always mean you're mad
Being the other half doesn't make you a Dad

[n][v]

The 411 about Shutter Speed[s]

2009-05-06T23:00:00.002-05:00

Now I know you're a smart bunch of people, but still I want to share some of what I know about photography with all of you. So I will start off NV's Photo Tips and Etc. 101 with discussing shutter speed[s] with some examples from my camera, tips about shutter speed, etc...okay? Okay!

Shutter speed is the amount of time between clicking to taking a photo and the shutter opening and closing, the faster the shutter the speed the less amount of light coming in to develop the photo and in the same way, the slower the shutter speed the more light comes into the photo, see examples below:

This was taken at 1/3200 of a second

This was taken at 1/4 of a second

As you can see with the first photo there's a rough quality to it, the water's flowing but it is dark and choppy. Yet with the second photo the water looks smooth, but it is lighter.

Now these were extremes of what shutter speed is all about, I recommend that if you do want to have longer shutter speeds, do it when it is darker out and with a tripod. For photos during the day time I would say find a setting between 1/100 and 1/400 of a second, again shorter shutter speeds will produce darker photos and sometimes there will be no photo at all as a result. Yet while I say this, have fun and experiment, you never know if you never try.

Shutter speed is important; whether is to get a clear photo with a fast shutter speed or to have a nice night time exposure with a slow shutter speed.

I will be covering different software you can use for editing your photos next.

[n][v]

But wait there's more!

Here are some additional photos (and if you wanna see the rest they're on my flickr account), these were faster shutter speed photos, there was plenty of light for taking them without fear of them being full of light, enjoy!

So excited

2009-04-30T23:58:00.000-05:00

I have purchased another camera lens, 28-135mm for closer range photos. It seems that too often I have to step back a few paces. I also purchased a backpack for my camera, enough space for lens/film cameras/film/batteries and all those basic photography necessities.

And I ordered a radar detector and GPS device...

So why do I bring all this up?

Well God willing this April and into the summer I will be going on some long weekend photo and camping trips by myself or with some friends who are also interested in said things. It'll be great to get outta the city and out on the open road and far far away from my everyday surroundings.

I can't wait, I'm so excited!

[n][v][the road goes on and on]

I'll Fly Away

2009-03-29T13:29:00.000-05:00

I'll fly away old glory,
I'll fly away,
When I die hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away...

[n][v]

Self Image/Self Worth

2009-03-29T13:28:00.002-05:00

It may seem that we are a society driven by how one looks, the contents of their being on the outside rather what really matters, the inside.

I am someone who has suffered with how I look, as some of you might know from my photo blog there really isn't a clear photo of me, and that's more of a self-conscious opinion about my looks from the other end of the lens, but where does it come from?
For me it was when I was younger, my mom would comment about my weight; she wouldn't say I was fat, but she came close. I didn't think I was fat until she made an issue about it and then I'd question myself in front of the mirror am I really fat? I am heavier than I should be, but I still work out and make it a habit to eat moderately (hunger pangs due to skipping meals -- work related -- gets me at the end of the day).
So, does me (a guy) get affected by how society determines ones correlates self image with self worth? YES!!! It does sadden me when scrawny boney anorexic girls and guys feel the pressure, that they're fat, that they're ugly and they have to get rid of the extra pounds. I know the reasons why people become anorexics, so I won't touch that one, but again it's a projection of image; what they see, how they feel and what they must do to get to looking like that.

Here's the point I want to drive home, it is the inside of a person that matters, the outside fades with time and it is the inside that lasts. If you just examine yourself from the outside, you will be let down time and time again, because looks are fading and how society views what's socially "in" is also changing.

Some of you read the Bible, so I'll post a verse I'm sure you've read or heard:
1 Samuel 16: 7
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

I know you might find that it's hard to come to terms with how you look sometimes (maybe even all the time), but trust me, it's what's on the inside that matters MOST!

[n][v]

Memento Mori

2009-03-29T13:28:00.001-05:00

Memento Mori: Remember that you are mortal, Remember that you too will die...

Death might be one of the most talked about subjects, but it might also be the one people avoid. People want to know where do I/We go when we die? Do we come back? Do we just chill underground forever or what? Yes, death holds many mysteries, but I'm not scared of the topic or death itself, tho I admit that I hope to accomplish all that I'd like to before I die, and yet if I go before my time is done (based on my agenda) I'm cool with that too.

As a follower of Christ I truly believe there is a Heaven and a Hell; no we don't come back/reincarnate, no we don't chill underground and do nothing, no we don't float around aimlessly... The Bible is specific at saying that unless one doesn't accept Jesus Christ as His personal Lord and Saviour, he or she will not go to Heaven. It is also specific at stating that there is only one way to God, and that is through his son Jesus (John 14:6)
...
Yeah you might ask but isn't God MEAN for only allowing us to get to Heaven by only one way? Yes, it does sound mean, but that's what is written in the Bible, the only word of God, ONLY.

As far as Hell is concerned, I truly believe that place exists too; it is a separation from God, from good and the best God has in mind for us. I'm sure it's the worst place possible, being separated from God forever! I don't want to go there, I don't want my friends to go there and I don't even want my enemies to go there!!!

We're all in transitions in this life; we're coming we're going, but we're also living and dying; death is as much a part of life as life is a part of death.

Death is also something I don't fear, when I go I plan on having a big party, everyone is invited, drinks on me! I want my death to be celebrated because even tho it will be sad that I'm gone from this earth, I've gone to somewhere better.

[n][v]

Something to think about: Wealth

2009-03-29T13:26:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I went to a Lithuanian Museum. While I was there I saw plenty of cool things from one of the countries where my ancestry originates, while there I also saw some things made out of amber.

Essentially amber is fossilized pine sap, Lithuania was part of the Amber Road a long time ago, because of it Lithuania was wealthy because the amber could be traded for weapons and other things... What strikes me as odd is that people found that this hardened sap as valuable, but then I started pondering;

How is wealth defined? Is it supply and demand?
How do I define wealth? Am I "rich"

...

I am rich, I am wealthy, I am a billionaire! Yet my wealth is not defined by what I have but who I have in my life. I have my family and friends, my Xangamigos and holding us all together in this thing called life -- I have God as well.

While I do have wealth in material things, these things are fading and they lose my interest at times. My family and friendships are lasting things, they're things I take seriously even if I'm not in contact with them on a day-to-day basis.

Just something to think about...

[n][v][makes][bill gates][seem][broke]

My Heart

2009-03-29T13:25:00.001-05:00

This might seem goofy/rediculous/weird... but that's me in a nutshell, but also remember, you have a heart too, don't mess with mine. Discuss, ask me questions, don't put me down for me being me.

My heart:

up left to right, down left to right.

Over all things, God holds my life together, without Him in my life I would be nothing, I wouldn't even have an existance.

Others -- I am constantly in environments where I am working with others, whether it is side-by-side with coworkers or even the kids who come through the doors of the Boys and Girls Club. I aim to do my job not well or suffient, but BETTER, to provide an environment of safety, fun, belonging and etc. Also others in general; more of God, more of others, less of me.

Johnny Cash & Mr. Rogers: These two guys, one a musician, one a Presbyterian minister who was known as a beloved TV personality, both followers of Christ in unique ways.

Johnny's music was awesome, his message was the Gospel message most of the time and plus he was The Man in Black, which I am akin to since I wear mostly black. He was rude, hardheaded, strong willed a lot of the time...yet his message rang true, and I'm like him in that way as well. Lastly, Johnny had a wife by the name of June, they saw a lot of good times but they saw a lot of bad as well, and for the time being I am a Johnny looking for my June. Sure I am rough around the edges (some might speculate that's all I have) but I mean well and I hope that is known.

Mr. Rogers was a show I watched when I was younger and if given the chance I would still be watching it! He made people feel special, he had guests who had disabilities and he was loving and caring. He dealt with real life issues, I recall the episode on death, he explained it in a great way and perhaps he drove away some of my fear of death at a young age. He did share the Gospel message too, he was a loving man to all, I dig his relational/communal relationships and his morals too. I too want to be a neighbor to my neighbors, not just to the left and right of where I live, but with whomever I come into contact with.

Steak & Sushi: Where do I begin? I love a good steak and I dig good sushi, two great eats that God has made...enjoy!

Etc: I have a lot of passions in this life, they fall in the "etc" catagory because while I have enough room in my heart for all of them, I don't have enough room to write them in the heart diagram. I want to live my life to the fullest, I want to take it all in, I want to try just about everything. I am small, this world is big, but God is bigger, so I shouldn't fret and worry as much as I do. God is in control of it all.

What does your heart look like?

[n][v]

I left my church

2009-02-16T09:25:00.001-06:00

I enjoyed my time at my church, many of my peeps that I worked with still attend there and I still am pursuing Youth Ministry with several of the high schoolers. The people I got to know, the people I still fellowship with will always be a part of who I am. It's not the barrel of rotten apples that made me switch (tho it did have a part), I'm changing and I need to be fed and feed others...which isn't really happening except with the above people mentioned.

It's not the first time I have left the church of my youth; I left in my high school years because I was still in the feed me/serve me mode so often followers of Christ go through. I left for a local church where I knew a great deal of people (I guess an upside to being homeschooled), but as I got involved with that church, I also got plugged into their high school youth group. The youth pastor of that church was very instrumental in my life, we didn't just chill on Sunday mornings and night, but also a few times in the week (communal based ministry is what I'm about even to this day).

When I finished my high school years, I had a gleam in my eyes and a fire in my heart (thankfully it hasn't left): I also knew what I wanted to do with my life and that was to be a youth minister (tho I'm not sure what setting -- God's presented several opportunities). I talked to my high school leaders and youth pastor, telling them I'll stay here or I'll return to the church I attended prior to attending this church. They gave me their blessing and I returned to my original church, in which I met and got invited to work along side the new youth pastor of the middle school group (talk about God's timing and not my own), and so I started my first leg of youth ministry...that was 6 years ago.

In the last 6 years I have connected with many middle schoolers and high schoolers, some of them more than others but an overall good experience. Yet I have fallen into a pit that some youth ministers get themselves into and that's spiritually feeding others but not themselves. My small flock (for which I don't care about the numbers game) has comprised of some of the most awesome high schoolers anyone could get to know, I have been there for them in good times and bad times, times where life takes unknown turns, I've been there for them and it's been good.
I don't write this to puff me up, I'm not egotistical, I'm just stating that I've been able to provide a pretty decent communal/relational youth ministry on my own

...

Back to feeding others but not myself; as much as I've tried to plug into my former church with their 20somethings/college student groups, I tried to connect with people my own age at my church, but there was/is a divide between my lifestyle and theirs. I am not a latte sipping, young upcoming professional (yuppie). I share many of the same responsibilities as they do, but the differences add up and I need something more similar to help me grow as a follower of Christ.
It also doesn't help that for a while when I was engaged, the lecherous Pharisees of my church started spreading the news of the woman I was engaged to. Oh did you hear she has two kids and she's not even married! This is true, the woman I was engaged to has two kids, so evidently she has had sex, but did that stop me from loving her and her sons? NO! But the people who pat their own backs, who smile fakely and are some of the worst people I have encountered in my life had a heyday and for what was said and done, only God can forgive them because I my heart is hardened to them and I will NOT forgive them.

It also doesn't help that when my father and mom were still together that some advice and so-called "help" they received was absolutely horrendous. I am certain that the advice that passed on to my mom was something along the lines of the man is the head of the house and he alone is the one in control, something about WASP paternal hiarchy spins my head, um...equality for both husband AND wife? I like that idea more.

So for lack of help for my parents (as a couple and as individuals), 20somethings that are from a part a different lifestyle than I and for people who are Pharisees and cannot mind their own business...I've left my church.

The church I currently attend...a small slice of what God intended, I don't say that because I'm the new guy, but the church is essentially along the lines of how Christians and nonbelievers were meant to worship together, if you're ever in my area on a Sunday I'll invite you and we'll go :D

I still am working with high schoolers from my former church, most of them are going off to college and other, but I still have a foot in the door and I will continue on working there. God has made me relevant to youth, I'm still a young guy who's immersed in culture, I know some of these things that goes over older people's heads.

Thank God for past experiences,
Thank God for the experiences of now!

[n][v]

Everything I hate

2009-02-05T09:12:00.000-06:00

Smalltown Poets - Everything I hate - Lyrics

It's quite simple really; I do what I should not do, I love what I should hate, I aim for success and when I don't come close I retreat and dig a deeper pit for myself.

I started writing this on Jan. 25th, and now I am picking it back up again with the intent of finishing what I started.

I am in a boat I don't like, I am at home because my school has been screwing with me and it looks like my degree finishing is put on hold. I am just 3 classes shy of graduating, because of the closeness I am pissed and burned badly. I am also in a place where I am making some bad choices, but I am getting better at finding positive outlets for myself in my community and there's a chance I might have a second job (working with adults who have disabilities).

God why is that I do what I shouldn't? Why is it that I am spreading myself too thinly in my opinon? I ask my father in heaven this, because I am my worst enemy, no one'll say anything (although it isn't too noticible), so my apathetic/lazy behaviors continue on
I am glad however that God loves me for who I am, where if I were religious I'd have to garner God's goodness and grace by doing stuff to please him, but here I am, a fallen being, loved by God all the while...I don't know how he does it thoroughly (I don't mind) but I dig it, I dig it a lot.

I am getting back in touch with my Christian music roots, heh, so that's why the theme of this blog comes from a 10+ year old song that I used to listen and now I rock out to it on my CD player as I drive. More to come, a lot of who I am and person revelation is brought to the surface through these old tunes.

Stay tuned!
[n][v]

Well...it goes like this:

2009-01-21T17:45:00.003-06:00

Right now I am trying to get back into my school, I am being given the run around and it seems like the powers that be respond only by way of the Pony Express.

If this falls through, I will be bitter/pissed and SOL for the time being, I will start to look for a second job.

I don't like writing here as of late because it seems I only come here to piss and moan about shit that's going down in my life, but apart from school and my work situation, things ARE actually starting to look up!

The best is yet to come,
Nathanael

Girl to English: She said, what it meant, I thought, but now...

2009-01-16T14:32:00.000-06:00

I am somewhat speechless for some events that unfolded this past weekend. It all started about a month ago when I received some nice texts from my ex fiancee, to which initially I was a little shocked that she was texting me (I do think it is communication to a certain extent in this day and age).

Rewind 9 months ago, she broke up with me over reasons that are none of your business, I was heartbroken, devastated, depressed, etc. over losing my fiancee, my best friend, the one I could tell anything to and with kids also involved -- yeah, I lost probably the biggest chunk of my life apart from being a follower of Christ... Anyway, she used the line Let's just be friends and somehow I assumed that was another way of saying I don't want to see you or talk to you ever again. I know it might mean that for some girls, and I thought so with her, she sent me a few texts over these past 9 months, but they hurt me because it took me back to when she and I were an US.
So when I start receiving texts, nice ones from her, and then a note saying I never wanted to stop being your friend...my head started spinning; To not hear from her, to not seeing her or her sons, it messed with me.

So we casually started texting and then she and I worked out a time in which she and I could hangout, this too threw me for a loop initially. On Saturday last week, we hung out at a place we used to go when we were friends (I have known her for close to 4 years), when we dated and when we were engaged. I thought it would be awkward for me to chill with her, but it really wasn't! Her younger son joined us, and her late owl friends weren't able to, so it was her and her son and I. 9 months without spending time with her or her sons, dang blazes time goes so quickly, I won't delve into memories about her son because I might start crying...but he's talking now, he was a little shy at first but he loosened up (so did I) and we had a blast playing in the McDonalds playground...good times! Even talking to my friend (she is) it wasn't awkward, we talked about some stuff that's been going on in our lives and it was groovy.

She and I spent nearly 6 hours with each other, I enjoyed her and her son's company, we hugged, said we'll hang out soon and parted ways.

I earnestly will try time to hang out with her, I know she's being honest with me when she says she wants to spend time hanging out too.

9 months...I'm glad to have her as a friend again.

[n][v]

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-25T12:31:00.002-06:00

Last Sunday

2008-12-17T13:52:00.000-06:00

Last Sunday was the third week in the Advent season, I attended the Warehouse church in my hometown of Aurora, if you're from that area and you're in need of a good welcoming of everyone kinda church, this could be a good fit for you. Anyway, I was chilling with some people I kinda-sorta know, mostly through mutual friends, but also at the table I was sitting at there were some young teenagers. When it came to lighting the 3rd candle, one of the pastors invited two of the teens up to talk about a bit of a ministry they helped out last week, and what caught my attention was that one of of the teens invited up to talk was 15 years old and pregnant.
This interested me, because here in front of me and everyone out is this petite girl, a baby herself, pregnant with child. The pastor asked for her to light the third candle while the other guy was going to pray, however she couldn't disable the child proof mechanism on the lighter and so her role was switched and she offered the prayer while the 3rd candle was being lit. As she prayed my eyes welled with tears...
You see, church isn't for the proper, the ones who have it together, the pious and the perfect. Church is for downtrodden, the weak in spirit, the helpless and defenseless. A guy named Brendan Manning wrote a book called The Ragamuffin Gospel and time and time again I read it or listen to it on my MP3 because so often I forget that it's about grace. There is abundant grace for you as well as for me, God gives it to all, there isn't one person who God doesn't love -- GOD loves everyone.
My eyes also welled because the other church I attend since I was young wouldn't have let a pregnant 15 year old girl offer up her prayer or light the 3rd Advent candle. Such realities of life aren't shared and experienced in my other church, if this girl was to go to my other church she would get stares and the gossip would start, there's also the modern day Pharisees who might say things that are not Christ-like. This small act has unraveled me, because this is the church as it should be, this is the church I want to be a part, not apart, of. After taking it all in I texted some friends to give their 2 pesos whether their church would allow a girl like this to play a role in the Advent season, I got mixed results; some friends said yes and others said no because their churches shelter people, I was encouraged and discouraged at the same time for the above reasons.

***

For me:

I want Christ's love to flow out of me thoroughly, I want it splash and soak those that surround me. I want to stop religion when I see it happening, stop do and don'ting God, who are you to make coming to God a thing of work? I want people to realize that all you have to do is come as you are, because too often I find that WASPs are in the mindset that you have to earn favor with God to actually approach God. I want people to realize that prayer is communication is with God, but what does that look like? It's not about bowing your head and closing your eyes and saying words (unless that's your method), there are so many ways to pray! Personally I talk to God when I'm chilling in the great outdoors, I heart it! I also talk outloud while driving (thanks to Bluetooth technology, I don't look crazy!) and even when I am speeding along listening to loud music and thanking God for being alive and experiencing life...this too is prayer.

God isn't contained in a spiritual box, he is in all because he has made all. Everyone that lives, lived or will live is made in the image of God. Not everyone will get to Heaven because not everyone will believe. I want to share what I know to be true with those I come into contact with, words if necessary, but all the while I want to be me, I don't want to be a phony with who I am or with what I believe, I don't want to be seen as a cookie cutter Christian, because there are too many of them out there...the world has seen enough! It's not working, I am here to make a difference in the lives of others with God's help.

~Nathanael~

I'm still here!

2008-12-16T16:12:00.003-06:00

I have been pretty busy lately, just finishing up a semester but still working all the while. I am also adjusting living with family, my house...yikes...it was a pretty big mess when I dropped in the few times during the school year, but now... Yeah, home strange home.

I was over in Nashville over the weekend, my sister Hannah graduated from Belmont University. I am proud of her for finishing up with school, I'm a wee bit jealous that I'm not done with my Psych. degree, I'm getting screwed a little bit, but I'm not going to succumb to the crap they've put me through.

I am working about 29 hours a week with the Boys and Girls Club, I love it but come January my hours go down to 21, I am miffed by this (but they'll come back to me as numbers of teens goes back up).

I'm going through a quarter life crisis; so much is swarming in my head at this time, it's like a beehive in my head. Buzzing thoughts are getting to me, thoughts about now and thoughts about after school. In all I have a few plan b's up my sleeve.

I'm sorry this is scattered, I am scattered, I'm broken and in need of change. I will not prepare myself for God, I will come as I am as I always do. So often I see WASPs making their salvation, their beliefs, etc. as a thing-to-do or a thing that requires a work ethic.

Come as you are...come as you are.

[n][v]

2008-12-03T21:16:00.000-06:00

What Peter said...(friend, not Apostle)

2008-12-03T21:12:00.001-06:00

Being a student in Chicago, seeing people smoke cigarettes or cigars is a daily occurrence and annoyance; whether it’s on the streets, in an alley or at the bus stop, there’s always the bright, flicker of a flame from a lighter and someone puffing rings of thick smoke out of their mouths and unpleasantly into mine. As I start to cough and feel lightheaded from these secondhand fumes, I curiously wonder to myself how many of these classy people could actually be believers, knowing now that there were probably more than I assumed.

But is smoking sinful and can it be backed up by the truth of the bible? Answering this question with a “yes” invites the need for answers to several other questions pertaining to our lifestyles as well. Is it okay to drink coffee, soda and energy drinks habitually? How much is too much? There is a terrible inconsistency among the way Christians view these activities and something like smoking in regards to sin.In order to make the claim that smoking is indeed wrong, it must be examined objectively without prejudice that it also causes these other factors in our lives to be questioned and put under scrutiny as to whether they are truly within the guidelines of God’s word and authoritative truth. This can be difficult, but it must be done if we are to distinguish smoking as sinful behavior or not.

Smoking is one of those things that I always thought looked inherently wrong, but that doesn’t mean it is necessarily judged by the bible as such. It seems that due to its implicit connection to some general teachings from several scriptures and along with support from external scientific evidence relating to the addiction and damaging diseases it causes, it is certainly viewed as both sinful behavior and unhealthy for our bodies. However, the only way to denounce smoking as biblically sinful as many Christians popularly assert, is to also denounce the other essentially “less-wrong-looking” things Christians do regularly that the bible still defines as sinful, which is usually not met with the same enthusiasm as you can imagine. Excessive materialism, addictive caffeinated beverages, unhealthy foods and diets, lack of exercise and becoming overweight are all relevant, everyday examples that Christians should condemn if their claims on smoking as sinful are to be met with any credibility and taken seriously. We are hesitant to admit it, but Christians are slowly discovering that the fingers we so quickly thrust at smokers with are being directed right back to ourselves, uncomfortably pointing out our own immoral blemishes. And when it becomes personal, and we see that our daily lifestyles and habits are put on the same chopping block, proving smoking as wrong suddenly isn’t that important.

To someone like me, smoking may look wrong and sinful, but a person being addicted to caffeine or excessively buying tons of clothes can be argued to be just as sinful, even if it does seem more innocent and ordinary. The problem then ultimately lies not in proving smoking as a sinful act, but in the manner Christians are using scripture to form hasty accusations and make crooked judgments in their condemnation of it without realizing the hypocrisy their lives ironically fall into because of those very same scriptures. In the strict western Christian setting for example, smoking is readily biased against as being immoral because of the nasty health problems it incurs. Paul says our bodies are living temples of God that belong to him and he ultimately demands our respect in what we choose to put into them. Nonetheless, other activities practiced in American society among Christians and unbelievers like unnecessarily eating junk food, not exercising, and being overweight are both detrimental to our health and therefore, just as sinful by the same biblical principle to honor God with our bodies. However, because of their association with the cultural norms in our modern society, they are easier to accept and overlook among the Christian realm. This act of nitpicking the extent of the application of God’s word and choosing which verses in the bible are to be taken more seriously in our daily lives as believers is leading to a wobbly double-standard mindset in Christians.

Smoking is blown up and dramatized to become such a big deal, yet the other things the bible teaches against related to the same values are quietly swept under the rug, never to be discussed because Christians selfishly don’t want to justify smoking as sinful if it means having to put that same label on all the other things they love to do that are equally biblically questionable, but widely and publicly acceptable. I would almost go as far as to say that Christians are fully aware of this loophole, but choose ignorance out of convenience, rather than to practice what they preach or apparently claim the bible preaches (when it suits them of course). Instead, the Christian crowd casually participates in these “lesser” and seemingly more “ordinary” sins that are culturally pleasing to the eye, and says they are simply common to the times when compared to the ultra scandalous topic of smoking. While I do whole-heartedly condemn smoking as wrong and immoral through scripture, even if the bible does not explicitly say to not smoke, I understand that it means I must then hold the other overlooked sins that have become a part of our normal routines with the same regard and not be partial in my judgment; the major point to keep in focus is simply this: smoking is sinful and because of that definition, many other immoral things we get away with in today’s society, no matter how much we try to dress them up to be acceptable, are sinful as well.

The bible teaches against smoking and other activities that damage our God-given bodies, both physically and spiritually. The main verse Christians always seem to reference the most in response to smoking is Romans 12:1, in which Paul writes: “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God –this is your spiritual act of worship.” In conjunction with the previously mentioned scripture from 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 pertaining to our bodies as living temples to honor God, this verse further affirms that Christians should please God by presenting their bodies as holy and in full devotion to him. In keeping the bodies graciously given to us, we need to be responsible in maintaining them and smoking severely hinders our response and obedience to that task. Physically, smoking is proven to cause cardiovascular cancer, lung disease and a higher risk of heart attacks. With these harmful results, it’s plain to see that our human bodies are just not designed to inhale the cigarette smoke and function properly, but many people still sacrifice the slow decay and damaging effects inside for the temporary pleasure and release from stress that a cigarette provides for them. In 1 Corinthians 10:23-34, Paul states that while everything is permissible, not everything is necessarily beneficial or constructive, like smoking for instance. Though Christians who smoke may seem okay, they and unbelievers cannot deny the adverse health effects from smoking and the fact that it is guaranteed to shorten their lives, if not make it absolutely miserable as they grow older. Spiritually speaking, smoking can alter a person’s mind and eventually ensnare them into the trap of addiction. The cravings for tobacco can seriously harm our ability to discern God’s will and because of the addictiveness of the substance nicotine that is found in cigarettes, it can wrap up our lives in the habit, getting in the way of our relationship with Him. It is then impossible and foolish for Christians to claim they can smoke leisurely and not fall into dependence. Christians and unbelievers possess the same bodies, with the same features, weaknesses and ultimate end: death. If Christians could argue they won’t get addicted, what’s their reasoning for wanting to be teetering so close to temptation anyway? But even if Christians believe that smoking leisurely does not constitute as sin, they cannot deny the clear implications of the addiction that smoking is guaranteed to lead to, which is a sin because it obviously breaks the 2^nd Commandment: “You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them…” The spiritual effects of smoking on our minds are just as serious as the physical effects on our bodies.

As it can be clearly seen, smoking is both physically and spiritually bad for our bodies and gets in the way of God’s commands for our lives. However, Christians put plenty of other things in their bodies that are just as unhealthy without giving it a second thought. I see an example of this everyday among the majority of the people at Moody Bible Institute right here in Chicago. These people who participate don’t necessarily look like sinners or evil rebels as smokers are often depicted as, but they do resemble normal, law-abiding citizens. They can be students, teenagers, adults, employees, teachers, professors, pastors and basically anyone consisting of your average Joe, holding a cup of Joe, which brings me to my next point. Coffee has always been popular, but for college students especially, its caffeine reigns supreme as the law of the land for those last minute crams for writing papers into the wee hours of the morning. And students aren’t just turning to coffee or simple soda for their caffeine fix anymore. While coffee continues to be the staple source, energy drinks are now the advent of this caffeine-powered generation and are becoming more commonly consumed. But even though coffee drinkers and the like are usually viewed more positively than cigarette smokers, they are still measured crooked by the holy standards of the bible. The caffeine in these beverages is still physically and spiritually bad for our bodies, but it gets less of a reputation for being sinful because it simply looks normal. Surprisingly then, caffeine has the greater potential for leading to sinful behavior because the addiction or health effects aren’t as negatively seen or discussed, as in the case with the college crowd where it is viewed with a lighter connotation. Smoking however, is fiercely advocated against and campaigned early on in schools and to kids in health classes for the secular reasons of it just being physically bad for you. So while smoking is seen among most Christians and unbelievers to be bad for you (at least physically), caffeine is more widely accepted for both because of its lesser effects, causing a deception for those that are Christians that stress the bible’s commands, as opposed to those who don’t care about the spiritual aspect anyway. Mildly drinking coffee can’t be warranted as sinful, but when it becomes an everyday routine and you can’t fully wake up without a cup, then it becomes the same issue as with being addicted to smoking. In a way, the physical repercussions of caffeine are directly connected to the spiritual side effects; once someone’s diet becomes heavily involved with the caffeine from coffee, soda, or energy drinks, their body will physically grow dependent on them and show withdrawal symptoms of fatigue, headaches, lack of concentration, restlessness, and sleeping problems if they don’t continue to feed their caffeine cravings, which leads to the spiritual problem of using caffeine as a crutch that hinders their devotion and relationship with the Lord, making it sinful. When it gets that far, and people can’t even get out of bed without depending on their morning coffee rituals or always have bloodshot eyes from the caffeine keeping them up on those late nights, it’s obvious that there’s a problem. Nonetheless, this bias of treating caffeine differently causes Christians to be hypocritical when they judge smokers as sinful by the bible, for the bible seems to condemn both activities.

In closing, we Christians now more than ever, need to be consciously aware of our faith and value our obedience to God more than we value certain activities or lifestyles that may seem normal because of our culture, but are still sinful in God’s eyes. In a fast-paced, changing world that can easily trip us up in these situations and cause us to be hypocrites, we need to humble ourselves and continually seek God. We should not seek the temporary comfort from the material things of this world or put them off as just easier to accept than to make a fuss about, but we should test everything by scripture and glorify God in all that we do. Indeed, in Romans 12:2, Paul further urges to not conform to the pattern of the world, but be transformed by renewing our mind so we can properly see and discern God’s will. Smoking and coffee may be some of the things we have to give up even if our surroundings tell us it’s normal, for as believers, we are not made into the image of the world, but designed in the image of God’s.

Th-Angst-giving Day

2008-11-24T00:36:00.002-06:00

This year I am angsty about Thanksgiving; it's been nearly 2 years since I've celebrated Thanksgiving or any other major holiday with family, last few (not including Independence Day) was spent with my now ex-fiancee and her family. This year for Thanksgiving I will be spending it with my relatives in Wisconsin (yea!) but up to a few days ago I was been given a lot of family drama.

Ugh, I hate family drama, it is probably the #1 form of drama I hate with a passion, here's how it went down:

Initially I was going to visit the relatives with my mom (this is her sister's family), but somewhere along the line my father contacted that bunch of relatives and mentioned that he would like to go up to have Thanksgiving with them. Somehow my mom got word on this, and because of my parents split that happened 2 years ago, they told him NO you cannot come up...but he intended to go up even though he got a no.

My mom, panicky and timid as she is in regards to my father, tells me no, that she's not going up there if he is -- her drama is non-rational; he's not going to go up, it is just a scare tactic to keep her from going to visit her sister and other relatives, he's just saying he's going to piss her off.

"Fine" I tell her, "I'll go celebrate Thanksgiving with them ALONE", then she tells me that my uncle and aunt won't let me or any of the "kids" go visit them for Thanksgiving if none of our parents are going; this is utter BS in my opinion, I am 24 years old, I have been up to my relatives house without my parents before, so have my sisters...

This is the stupid s*** family related drama I have to go through, that WE kids are exposed to. In my mind, I have a mom, I have a father, but my family is defined by my 3 sisters and myself, in fact most of my sisters have this mentality.

But I received good news; I have the go ahead, the green light, to have Thanksgiving with my relatives! :D

So as far as things are concerned, it all looks good -- even though I will be asking my mom some questions that have been lingering in my mind and hanging in the air, I pray that I get honest answers, I pray I find out the truth.

[n][v]

I like the darker things in life...part one

2008-11-04T11:36:00.001-06:00

Disclaimer: I am a follower of Christ and I like the darker things in life, I'm no ball of sunshine, I am me(which means I'm a realist and I'm chock full of melancholy). I enjoy the darker things of life...questions? Feel free to ask them.

I like Guinness (oooh! Sinful! )

I like cigars (oooh! Sinful! )

I like dark movies

I like dark music

etc...

Liking the darker things in life isn't a bad thing, but it does get a bad rap sometimes. I am a follower of Christ, I am angsty, I get pissed off, I have bad days I rather stay in bed and sleep, I hurt, I ache I scream obscenities into the darkened sky because life sucks.
All the while, God provides grace and love and mercy and tenderness and characteristics that I will never possess on my own, take love for example. I truly believe that mankind is not capable of loving itself and others, love is not an innate quality of man. I believe that I don't possess one drop of love on my own but God, working in me and through me, has given me love that I cannot contain, I want the love God has given me to splash out on everyone I come into contact with. Love is defined in so many ways, a while back I even posed the question of defining love and everyone I responded shared a different facet of love, which is good, because that's how love is!
Another not innate but in Nate quality is patience; I am a patient person, when what I am waiting for takes place right away, but if I have to wait, say I'm expecting something in the mail or planning life apart from school...yeah, I'm not patient then. I want right away at times, I can be childish and immature for what I want and cannot have right away. I am learning and relearning time and time again that I need to wait on God's perfect time and direction, to wait and not to take things s-l-o-w-l-y, which is a very difficult task for me, especially since I'm a college student. I want the degree to get the job to get going to get the future I want I want I want! Me Me Me! God hurry up now! *sigh* I digress at how impatient I can be at times, but I'm getting where I need to be and waiting and being patient

***
Back to darker things: I guess I like the darker things in life because I have seen a lot and I have been a part of a lot of things where I see God at work, but all the while (from a human perspective) it just sucks. I have worked with my church's middle school group for close to 6 years now, they're a great bunch of kids but I have seen the kids go through the crap of parents getting divorces, parents getting on their kids for not getting better grades than their already good grades, kids just feeling lonely and apart from what's going on, kids who don't have a lot of friends, kids who aspire to be the popular ones, etc... This is life and this sucks! I wish I could bring the kids through this dismal life, but what would that really do, it would probably get them dependent on me for helping them through, I can't risk it but I can offer up hope and encouragement and sometimes the-hey-let's-grab-a-bite-to-eat and say what you need to say. In my high school years my Youth Pastor was influential in my life in this area, he let me vent where I needed to, he was the adult I could go to and let him know what was really up.

I think some other Christians might have a problem with my dark side (it's not all encompassing, but it is noticeable), they might be like cheer up! God is good! Be happy! blah blah blah... Yes, God is good, but to those who have this tone of I should "cheer up", have you stepped outside your Christian bubble/fortress to see what's going on in life today? There are wars, genocides, national pandemics, hate crimes, crimes carried out because "God told me to", brother against brother, poverty, destruction, chaos, turmoil and apathy...How I can be thoroughly cheerful in a broken world? How can I consciously go through life in a everything's-A-Ok mode? I cannot, but more importantly, I will not...

To be continued

[n][v]

I think God's trying to get through to me...

2008-11-03T13:25:00.000-06:00

In regards to my consumer whorish ways; I went clothes shopping today, I spent 45 minutes looking for some cool new threads and then, I starting thinking and feeling different -- do I really NEED new clothes even though it won't affect me monetarily? Why do I need more?

I walked out of the store empty handed...

More on my thoughts about this later.

:::EDIT:::

So lately I've been thinking about my spending habits and the spending habits of others, extremes in particular; take rap/hip hop music videos, they're predominantly about cash girls cars and more cash, some even throw money literally in their music videos, like yeah I have it and I will do with it as I please and then I think of people who wire money back to their families (it seems commonplace with some Mexicans in my area), and then there's me, I have bills to pay and yet I'm still a bit of a dependent (changing even now) on my parents, but I still have a bit of change that I can spend as I'd like to...or can I?

That's where God has been talking to me, I have and I want, but do I truly need MORE stuff in my life? I so desperately want to use less and give more and I think I am getting to that point where I want to act out accordingly. I'm also thinking missionally; that if I'm not going to places and friends are, I def. can help them out, I don't need it but they def. can use it for something bigger than I, than themselves, no sweat off my shoulders, I want to help even if I'm not the direct one who's helping.

Money is not a bad thing, 2 years ago I might have said so in my Walden and Into the Wild period of my life, plus you throw in jokers like Joel Olsteen who preach a Gospel of God wants you to be rich and etc... I do want to be successful, I do want to make some money in my life, but I don't want to throw it around and away. I want to invest in the lives of others with the money I make, give them the money and then have them give me a report of what they've been doing but more importantly what they have being.

So, the planner in me has thought out a few things:
1) Pay up what I owe sooner by putting more money out
2) Start saving more for later/post college/etc.
3) Invest in the lives of others, directly or indirectly, w/o expectations of reimbursement on a monetary level
4) If investing indirecly, get involved directly -- perhaps not to see the task to completion, but to have a hand in
5) Start investing in the one's the world views as unlovely
6) Pay it forward; the concept of the movie works for me
7) Start spring cleaning; I have too much, I am a consumer whore, I can give away stuff...free garage sale anyone?

God, I hear you and I want to be less of a consumer than I am. Thanks for getting through to me.
I love you father, I want to do and be more, for your glory and not my own.

[n][v]

Always have a Plan B*

2008-10-27T13:52:00.002-05:00

In all things, have a Plan B*

This has been an internal mantra of sorts, whether work or where I will move out to once I'm done with school, I have a Plan B...for most things. I did make it a faulty clause that isn't so faulty by saying that out of the things I never have a back up aka Plan B for is LOVE.

Yes, the girl I was with, Cassie...broke up with me :( It's stuff in her life, a really complicated mess (the things, not her life). She knows what she has to and how she'll get there, it's just a case of time in her life. Everything I said was true, my love for her was real and was for her and her alone...never did I have a girl to the side or 'that girl' to fall back upon in case Cassie and I didn't work out.
Love opens you to a lot of good and a lot of bad, you have to take both, there's no separating how you love and what comes with love. Cassie was someone who found out about the real me and the shit I have to go through on a daily basis and also what my family dynamic is really like. I thought she would have left me that day and never spoke to me again...but honestly and earnestly she grew close to me, we fell in love...and now...49 days after I asked her out, she broke up with me. I am hurt, I admit it, but I am glad we still can talk and discuss things and yet I am brokenhearted all the while.
She said Love is seeing an imperfect person perfectly and I could say that I saw Cassie in that light too, it's just a shame that it was a relationship that lasted only 49 days. 49 days doth not make a relationship...She didn't want to have a short unreal relationship, sadly we did.

***

In all this, I never had a Plan B. Love should never have a Plan B.

***

I'm thinking once again what I am going to do when I get out of here aka graduate ;)
I think I might go back to my thoughts about moving to SoCal, mainly because it is a nice warm environment but selfishly...selfishly because no one knows my name, no one knows me, staying here right now is a drag. Cassie's a local girl, so I'm sure I would see her a lot if I stayed in my area, and I don't mind seeing her and hanging out with her, but I might be resorting to what I do when I get burned by individuals or some other setting; I never return, never. I hope I'm not going back to how I did things, but right now I don't know...I just don't know what I am going to do.

[n][v]